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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

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Hello everyone. Just to introduce myself a bit and perhaps learn from you all. I found your website by doing a search, and I'm really glad I found you.

I'm struggling right now with the loss of three very important people in my life. All in ten months. The last was my baby sister, and I really miss her. It's not so much that they passed away, it's my own selfishness, feeling that I am so alone. I'm doing okay, just one day at a time.

Thanks for listening!
 
jones-in_J said:
Benzoheadplus that was a good read in that it kept me entertained lol you were tweaked out of your mind haha[/]
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jones-in_J said:
thank you

as an now.... im always tweaked out of my mind or you will know by the short or 0 posts....... means no speed left...


im coming down i woke up at 12 only took 5 today with sodium bicarbonate half 000 capped.. im gonna redose something 3-4 sooon here im stoned... just took lorazepam 4mg... 4-6 is my dose 3 or 2 if able times a day.... while i wait for my klonopin... hope i make it...


took 3 or 4 i think 3... so im at 80 right amt until i go over my rxed amount daily is 2 10mg tabs 4 times a day 20 20 20 20 = 80... i jump up to double in a day sometime.... like yesterday... but today the extra baking soda lasted longer ativan is barely felt at all..... 4mg level... 2-3 times a day till i get my kpin...
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Hi I'm FM,
I found this search through some random search online and have been addicted since which is a problem as I have a bit of addictive personality LOL.
I have BPD, anxiety and psychotic episodes since I was a teenager but was mis diagnosed with depression for years.
Have been hospitalised for it.
I try my best to be logical (when I'm not too ill) and realise that it's the BPD talking in my head and fight it as much as I can.
I have some good friends in my life but I lost my career because of my illness which sucked because I loved my job. I miss the routine in my life. There's some major shit going down in my life at the moment which is soo stressful and I have also come to the realisation that my family don't give me any support and haven't for years. I think part of my sadness is the fact that I am coming to that realisation now.
Anyway, that's me.
<3
 
welcome to all of you to tds :) no matter what your condition may be, borderline personality disorder, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, substance abuse/addiction, you will be graced with unconditional love :).
 
Hi, I'm new to bluelight I posted in the new member introductions, but I have a feeling I am going to be spending most of my time here... Lets see I have ADHD, a very addictive personality and I self medicate. I am just realizing that I am addicted to drugs, I have chronic pain in my back and ankle from longboarding accidents, I learned to mostly ignore the pain at first, but then started using it as an excuse to get high. I have (had) a rule of no hard hard drugs (meth heroine crack pcp) but I broke that rule which prompted me to think maybe its time to cut back on my drug use. For that last 4 years I have been using anything that presents itself and seeking out drugs that don't. I am a almost daily drinker. I was living with my parents up until about 3 months ago and because I was able to mostly hide my use from them I believed I had it under control, but they don't know I smoke cigs and I am obviously addicted so I know now that I was wrong. Living away from my parents, I'm in a different town, has just given me the opportunity to be high all the time. I am trying to convince myself to quit, but I'm still having fun. In my old town I have some friends who don't do drugs, but here all my friends do drugs. I am scared of being alone, but I need to not hang out with others who do drugs because I have no self control. I deal with negative emotions by taking risks, putting myself in dangerous situations, purposefully making the wrong decision, doing things I know will probably hurt me, because I think I deserve to be hurt, and maybe I'm secretly hoping next time I crash I won't wake up, I can't kill myself because of how it would affect my family especially my younger brother, but I think if I died in an accident its not my fault and they will be able to accept it and move on with their lives. Wow this got long and dark, but it feels good to be totally honest. Guess I'm looking to talk/vent thoughts and advice are always appreciated.
 
Welcome aaccnntt :) I'm Heather.

We sound similar in several ways; welcome to TDS. I hope you find comfort, friends, and everything you're looking for here.
 
aacnntt,

Welcome to Bluelight :) I'm Vaya, one of TDS moderators. If, at any time, you have questions or comments about how things tend to run around here, I'm more than willing to field that type of communication!

We have a lovely and dedicated member-base here in TDS, and you touched on one of the keystones that attracted me to The Dark Side in the first place way back when - namely, the unwavering capacity for one to be utterly honest and complete within the confines of this forum.

Again, welcome, and I do look forward to seeing you around the board....

<3

~ Vaya
 
Hi Im Henry and I am a junkie plain and simple. I no longer want to live this life but, don't have the coping skills needed to live a drug free life. I'm in my early 40's and am nearing the end of a 2.5 month 150mg Oxy habit a day. I was on Suboxone for almost five months, tapered down to .5mg for a month or so and couldn't jump. I tried to use a few Oxys to help with the Sub withdrawal but you know how that worked out for me now! Anyhow my life is a complete mess. Probably the best thing that has happened in these last three months was that my toxic girlfriend left me and not because of my drug use. She left me for other reasons which one is that I didn't allow her to drink in our house while I was trying to stay clean...even though I was on such a small dose of Suboxone at the time. Well the week she left instead of using the Oxys to detox from the subs I used them to cope with losing her and now being alone and broke and unemployed. I was going to get back on my sub regimen today and lasted 18hrs until I found an Oxy in my drawer. Instead of just throwing it away, I did it and said I would start this process all over to tomorrow. What a joke I am!

I decided to come here since I need help. I attend AA meetings daily. I'm just one of the unfortunate ones that can't seem to want this bad enough. I do believe that this time I do want it bad enough and will go to any length for it. I just know that I need to be on Suboxone until I get a stable living environment which I haven't had in many many years. I posted a thread earlier. Maybe you can read it and comment.
 
Dick
3rd post
From south florida. Was a poly-substance abuser now i'm just a poly-substance addict. Addict in general. Been clean for almost 9 months. I randomly stumbled upon BL again due to an interesting thread about the delights of one's body odors. Thought i'd jump up on here because there's a lot of fun stuff to read an i could use some extra ways to branch out.
 
Hi everyone.

Although I've been active on this forum for quite some time I've never browsed this subforum. Unfortunately now it's the time.

I've been a benzo addict for 9 years. I started tapering from 3 mg clonazepam / day this summer. The tapering went quite well until I started using alcohol and to a lesser degree stimulants. After a nasty Ethylphenidate comedown I started drinking and unfortunately couldn't stop. First I drank beer 24/7 but as tolerance grew I had to switch to vodka. I was even drunk at work and at some point my co-workers and clients started suspecting me. So my boss sent to a doctor for evaluation. My blood alcohol level at work was 2%, but 4% when I drank at home.

In the short time I drank I managed to:
- Lose my job
- Lose my flat
- Lose my partner
- Destroy my benzo tapering

The doctor I first saw sent me to a detox center for alcohol. I was there for 3 days until I got sent to a hospital (the only hospital in this country exclusively for addicts) for benzo detox. I was in hospital for 7 weeks and got through benzo withdrawal, which was hell on earth. Several times I thought I'd quit.

Last sunday I got out of hospital. It was scary because it was comforting being in hospital. So 3 hours after I got out I drank 2 bottles of vodka. I had been at my parents place because I didn't wan't to be alone right now. I found 2 bottles of vodka that belonged to my dad and drank them. And got caught. I sweared I never do it again.

And so on Tuesday I again used Ethylphenidate and took 5 mg clonazepam for the comedown. I'd also taken 350 mg quetiapine. Stumbling around on 5 mg clonazepam (with no tolerance anymore) and 350 mg quetiapine was hard, I couldn't walk straight, stumbled into walls and had problems speaking. So, I got caught again after my mother saw me in that shape. She also found my bag with Ethylphenidate.

So I managed to relapse 2 times in 3 days after getting out of hospital. And now I have to go to detox again next week because my relapses.

How fucking stupid can a human be?

Anyway, I think I can give some advice to people quitting benzos because I've done it two times.
 
^^ Relapsing immediately after vowing to never use a certain substance again seems to be a common occurance with addicts. I've awoke in the morning swearing to never do whatever had gotten me feeling so terrible that morning. Yet, I would be doing that very thing only hours later or worse.
 
At times I wonder why I even quit benzos. I've used so many different antidepressants and other meds and benzos just are far superior to all of them. Extremely effective for panic disorder and anxiety, with very little, if any, side effects. The meds I now take (7 meds) don't even combined work nearly as effective as clonazepam alone, and the meds I now take have lots of side effects.

I'm more often and often having regrets about quitting benzos. They saved my life. Without them I couldn't have gone to school, graduate, find a job etc. They have done much more good things than harm for me. I can live with being addicted if they really help my life as much as they have done.
 
Hi All,

welcome to TDS.

Relapsing may look stupid from the outside and feel stupid from the inside but in fact it is simply a part of the disease. Addiction is is a trickster psychologically and a slave driver physically. Cyanoide, it sounds like you weren't ready to be out or didn't have enough support once you were out. Don't feel stupid, but do take the time and courage to feel humbled by the strength of your foe and to remind yourself every hour of the day why you cannot sustain the drug use. Going to meetings every day is helpful. Have you met people there that you can get close to and get support from outside of meetings? Did the hospital offer any kind of after care outreach?

@DickDeoreo, I wonder how many people that thread has brought to Bluelight?:\
 
herbavore, what do you think about my reflections about why even quit benzos when they have been a huge help for me for so many years? Granted, addiction is a bitch but I can live with that if the medicine really improves my life quality. And frankly, benzos have done just that. Now I'm taking quetiapine, escitalopram, propranolol, mirtazapine and melatonin and they all combined are nowhere near as effective as clonazepam alone, not to mention all the nasty side effects I get from them. I had no side effects from clonazepam. If I have a better life quality continuously using a benzo, why quit?
 
One of my best friends is addicted to benzos and he describes it as a living hell. The problem is you need more and more, they don't end up working well at all for the anxiety or sleep after a while and then coming off them is worse than any other drug with the possible exception of alcohol. Not only that but the anxiety that you experience once you do come off is even worse. They really were never intended to be a long term drug medicinally. I totally understand the frustration of finding a drug that works for anxiety --and it certainly does work well in the beginning--but long term it is so counter productive.

I had horrible anxiety as a child and as a young person and I find that Mindfulness mind training has helped me more than anything. You can read Buddha's Brain for the science behind it. Medical solutions are a trap IMO. Firstly, they convince you that you are doomed to live with your current thought patterns rather than understanding that the brain can be rewired and retrained. Further, it creates the impression that there is something different or wrong in your make-up when in fact it is more common than not for humans to suffer social anxiety. and anxiety in general. This may sound religious or like spiritual nonsense but it really isn't. I am probably one of the most anti-religious people in the world. It is certainly spiritual but unless mind, body and spirit are all addressed no balance is ever really possible for long.

Are you in any kind of therapy? If so, ask about mindfulness. There is a ton of info on the web as well. feel free to PM me anytime. I know how hard it is to be in your position. You just want relief. <3
 
Im thinking that you have your work cut out for you , There are so many people , Can u single handelly take on the job of hello for each member.??
 
Well, there are 6 of us mods here so I don't do it singlehandedly...but I watch this one a lot because I was raised in the old school way that says when someone walks up to your door you welcome them in.=D The best thing is that it isn't only the mods that greet people--Captain Heroin and Serotonin are just as likely to make their way down the messy hallway of our communal house here at TDS street to say, c'mon in!

So welcome! Sincerely.<3
 
heh I've been slacking these past few days :P. welcome everyone to tds. we are a warm welcoming family here. if anything probably the most close knit family I really got. I look forward to seeing all of you post and make threads. never hesitate to make a thread, we're all here for ya. :) <3
 
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