Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

[herbavore]

^

 

[Serotonin101]

a lil snipet for those just joining. I was a daily IV heroin user and lost everything. full ride to a great university, a career in the army lined up after graduation, a great family, my home, my car, everything. I contemplated suicide and attempted a few times and "failed". TDS helped support me through these bad times and gave me the support, love, and outlet for my feelings. I'm almost 11 months clean, back in school, sitting in my pickup listening to music on my $700 stereo (not including speakers or anything), waiting on take out pizza ($30 worth), smoking newports, about to drive home to my family after I get the food. I'm still broke pretty much but I got everything back pretty much in a year that I lost. TDS helped save my life, thanks to a very special moderator , and the kind souls here who showed they loved me no matter what. I'm actually tearing up a bit due to how much gratitude I have. no matter how hard things get, never give up. things can and do get better. if you need to talk to someone, you can PM me anytime and the mods here as well. so much love for the people here in tds :')

 

[BurroughsTheCat]

hmmmm where to start! 28 year male old opiate addict from Ireland. On heroin IV for maybe 5 years. Lost quite alot to it. A relationship of 4 years that was really special to me. She had a 7 yr old son that i adored and adored me, and she was going off the pill to have a baby for me, but through a series of heroin related episodes, she had no choice but to kick me out. So i lost her ,the house, her son,a potential child of our own even my 2 cats all in 6 months. Also we worked in the same place and i had to leave that. We had the same friends and i lost many of them who just saw me as a fucked up junkie. The last time she saw me i was overdosed, on purpose, after breaking into our house, a week after she kicked me out for an accidental overdose, because in my infinite wisdom i thought she deserved to find me dead. What a fucking asshole eh? Ive a long history of self harm, i started cutting myself at about 13 and never really stopped.
i would buy 20 cigarettes, i dont smoke, and put the whole pack out on myself. ive been hospitalized for anorexia and self harm when i went on a binge of heroin and crack binge for a few days and cut myself so deep i could see the bone. When i was being stitched up, a nurse recognized me from being brought in previously for an overdose and they asked me to stay for a while. I've been hospitalized for overdoses 4 times, guess im a bit lucky because i alwys think about the people that didnt make it and always think they are better than me and they deserved to live and i deserved to die.

I remember walking around just before i tried to kill myself and thinking about how it was the last time i'd see this, and last time i'd hear that and i felt like i ws saying goodbye to everything more than i felt when i was writing the notes.

i still use opiates, both legitimately and recreationally and still secretly :-( i abuse my scripts more than i should and i spend alot of cash on heroin when i shouldnt. ive tried with methadone and suboxone to completely quit, but i just love junk too much...way too much.
my favourite writer was Richey Edwards, a member of the Manic Street Preachers(who wet missing at 27 and i planned out a suicide attempt to make sure i wouldnt see 28 but things changed and i didn't do it) and he wrote in one song ' I hurt myself to get pain out' and I guess I feel the same. ....so thats why i'm posting all this in the dark side!

There are some really brave and beautiful people here and it seems like a good place to come to if you need to talk to someone or shoot the breeze. i'd hate anyone to go through anything I did, but if they were i'd help them any way i could. because when you are in pain and everything is getting too much, even a stranger's kind words can make you think twice.

 

[hthr007]

Welcome to BL, Burroughs.

You sure have been through a lot in your life to say the least. I can relate to several things you have said, and the part about you walking around just before you attempted suicide really hit home because I have done that same exact thing.

I hope you can find BL to be a source of encouragement and help to you. Our family at TDS is amazing; they've saved my life in multiple ways both directly and indirectly.

Enjoy your stay

 

[DarkRift_89]

@Herbavore- Thanks for addressing my problem i really appreciate the support of all fellow BlueLighter's. I'm currently in the process of sobering up (Although it has not been an easy task) the point is though that I am trying. J just wish i could get more support from family N friends luke the support i get from my fellow BlueLighter's. Anyways, thanks again and i will continue to update on my ''Current Situation''

 

[BurroughsTheCat]

Welcome to BL, Burroughs.

You sure have been through a lot in your life to say the least. I can relate to several things you have said, and the part about you walking around just before you attempted suicide really hit home because I have done that same exact thing.

I hope you can find BL to be a source of encouragement and help to you. Our family at TDS is amazing; they've saved my life in multiple ways both directly and indirectly.

Enjoy your stay

Thank you sincerely for that message, it made my day
i guess i found the weirdest and most memorable thing about that day was the little things that you remember. I'm always nice to people working in shops etc, i always say 'thank you' and always smile and always be as nice as i can...but that day I was really aware that i was never going to see that shop checkout girl again...i was exiting this life and i felt a compulsion to let it all go...it sticks out so much to me.

I already find BL a good help and what i'm replying to means so much to me. Thank you sincerely. I know it's the internet and its well...the internet...but sometimes it feels like you are the only one talking in a foreign language around you.

thank you for making me smile so much i hope i can return the favour someday.

 

[herbavore]

“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”

from a poem by Ellen Bass

 

[badfish45]

Welcome to TDS Jack Congratulations on deciding to quit, considering you have been using since the age of eight, this will have remarkeable effects on your overall wellbeing. I hope you find a lot of happiness from this girl and I hope you find all you need here on TDS. Send me a PM if you have any questions.

 

[endlessnameless]

...sometimes it feels like you are the only one talking in a foreign language...

I certainly hear you on that one brother. Speaking in a foreign tongue in a frequency no one can hear in order to even feign an understanding.

Welcome to BL mate; pleasure to have you aboard.

 

[DopeAllah]

I am the prophet mohammad and i am a stoner who got addicted to heroin, trying to stay clean

 

[Laurieann]

Hi everyone,

My name is Laurie and I am the mom of a teen who smoked synthetic marijuana 11 months ago. I joined the site because I am trying to gather info on how to help him, he is having adverse reactions since he OD on it. Any info will be appreciated

 

[herbavore]

Hi Laurieann,

I don't have any experience with that but I do know that lots of people complain about some pretty serious symptoms that can last a while. The best thing you can do probably is to start a thread here asking for information and support. If you have any questions about how to do that, don't hesitate to send me a PM.

 

[gingergirrlOR]

Hi, Ginger here. Portland, 2-4 bag H daily. Trying to wean. Have Sub script, never taken it. Never can get there...Sigh.
I love this forum, I'm learning a lot. Nice to meet everyone.

Oh yeah, I used to think I use H because I'm lonely. But I think I'm lonely because I use..I dunno fuck it.

 

[Serotonin101]

Hi, Ginger here. Portland, 2-4 bag H daily. Trying to wean. Have Sub script, never taken it. Never can get there...Sigh.
I love this forum, I'm learning a lot. Nice to meet everyone.

Oh yeah, I used to think I use H because I'm lonely. But I think I'm lonely because I use..I dunno fuck it.

you use for both reasons and thus the cycle is born. I used because of some issues and those issues were linked to my using. I wish you the best friend. welcome to all of you to tds

 

[gingergirrlOR]

thank you, nice to know I'm not the only one I suppose..;-)

 

[Serotonin101]

thank you, nice to know I'm not the only one I suppose..;-)

you're far from the only one after almost a year clean I've found why I use and other methods of coping. I hope you find the support you seek here, we are all here to help. feel free to PM me, the mods, or hell, anyone else here and we will help

 

[mocat]

Hi, I'm Kitty and opiates are my DOC. I used to use for pleasure (vicodin and percocet) then in 2006 I got a stomache ulcer that ruptured and caused a big old mess. Well , long story short and 5 additional abdominal surgeries in the same spot in the last 6 years and I am RX'd MScontin 45mg a day and MSIR up to 90 mg. a day and Gabapenten 1200mg a day. I get no buzz at all anymore and have been trying to cut the MSconntin (have reduced from 90mg a day to 45 since I started the Gab) But this is a hazardous site cause I'm reading about plugging and other methods for what I haave at my fingertips. So, not sure what I want from this site but heere I am. Thanks for having me. By the way, the meds are for chronic nerve pain from the multiple surgeries.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

I'm Nate and I'm going through a painfully protracted withdrawl (I'm from the south, rim shot) from methadone after 8 years at 100mg's a day. I'm on day 23 no 'done. Other than the weekly 4-pack of Mickey's or High Life to get some sleep I've been clean. Thing is the RLS doesn't seem to want to go away. The other symptoms are annoying but I cannot abide the RLS. It makes me want to hack off my legs. Brief history forthcoming. Opiates were love at first Oxy at 16, daily heroin user from 19-23 with nominal periods of sobriety generally woman induced. Bad drinking (5th of rot gut vodka a day, mostly during periods of sobriety), a bad spell or two of coke. Thing is I recall the first oxy I did as being the moment I felt like I was being reborn whole. I'd always been a weird kid. Socially anxious, alienated, I felt like an observer, never quite understanding how these other beings were able to do what they do so naturally. I dropped out of high school the day I turned 16 due to constant alienation and loneliness. Like any good junkie I'd always been compelled to do the opposite of what I was told so drugs had a certain allure. Pot just heightened my anxiety to ridiculous levels then one day a guy I bought dimes of weed from (I like to beat my head against walls) was out but had a couple of perc 10's for the same price. I've never been very spiritual but from what I've read of religious epiphanies the metaphor seems unavoidable. But I digress. So I'm at a bit of a crossroads at the moment, though I'd love to live in a country that has heroin maintenance like Switzerland the methadone is an acceptable substitute. I've done a bit of research on endogenous opioid deficiency and am pretty sure it applies to me. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I've lurked on Bluelight for a few years but felt compelled to start posting a few days ago to attempt to alleviate my gnawing loneliness. I'm 30 now, unemployed and living in my parent's garage. All my old friends have moved away so I'm left with this board and emailing my ex that lives with her dude and whom I haven't seen in person in five years. She's rightfully trying to distance herself politely. Thanks for listening(?) -Nate

 

[herbavore]

Hey, Nate. Welcome. You are a good writer. Do you write at all? Just to do it, I mean. I think it is interesting that Switzerland is so progressive in some ways and such a conservative country in others. As far as I know they are the only country that offers voluntary euthanasia--no one else seems willing to touch that but meanwhile they have been offering that for years.

 

[Serotonin101]

Hey, Nate. Welcome. You are a good writer. Do you write at all? Just to do it, I mean. I think it is interesting that Switzerland is so progressive in some ways and such a conservative country in others. As far as I know they are the only country that offers voluntary euthanasia--no one else seems willing to touch that but meanwhile they have been offering that for years.

I believe Washington state still offers barbiturates to terminal patients to pretty much keep them doped up til their death. also some hospitals will do morphine overdoses to some dying patients who request it. undocumented but heard it from the mouth of a nurse who did (does) it.