hit that 50 post mark and you'll be alright :D. I've been slacking in this thread. welcome all of you to bluelight especially to tds. if you haven't heard it yet, I love each and every one of you, and there's nothing you can do about it 
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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0
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THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
Hi, I have become everything I have always hated, aka I have become a cliché
Since I was 17 now, early 30's I was always interested in the intelligent/smarter drug use, its culture, etc. you know what I mean, succesful student (who had untreated ADD/anxiety)/psychonaut who would do LSD, shrooms, dxm powder, pcp, and obviously tons of weed, as awesome weed is more plentiful than wood around here, eh. Psychedelics helped me overcome, or so I thought, anxiety and ADD, which they did somehow, and I did obtain a degree in networking and another in chemistry (both BA's), but I never really worked more than for 6 months, since I was plagued with trigeminal neuralgia since about 2005, which is triggered by anxiety etc. Once I was fed DOB blotters around that year, and I had psychosis and didn't feel like myself until way late in my chemistry BA,I was getting by, but acting like a robot etc. because I was soon put on xanax .5mg x 2 a day, then it was Rivoril 1mg X2 a day then X3 then X4, then 2mg X 4 a day then....
I got sick of feeling like that. Emotionless, everyone thought I was a weirdo, all the tricks I had managed to learn from real psychedelics (fuck DOB, it is shit and really ruined me for some time, it is NOT worth a shit, at least, when you have it thinking it is LSD) I wasn't able to apply in real life life anymore which helped me to cope and somehow even love all human beings, even those I totally think are wastes of flesh now, and the pain problems would not be addressed by doctors appropriately other than with clonazepam, which has some value in nerve pain somehow (it's true, check it out).
So after 2 years of disability and idiotic doctors putting me on neurontin which made me feel even dumber during my DOB related psychosis, then Topamax, which made me feel like I had a full frontal lobotomy and didn't do shit for pain, then Tegretol, which turns out, I was allergic to and almost developed Stevens-Johnson Syndrome from, and also did make me feel dumb, but to a lesser degree than the previously mentioned anti-epileptics, I found a guy that was selling some opiates, at first it was Oxycontins 40mg, which i would split in 4 and just 10mg at a time of crisis would help. For about 2008 to 2010 it's all I would take, rarely and I felt better, and did actually manage to find a job that didn't drug test me (it's a bit more rare in canada companies do so, most of american tests would be illegal here). But then I was dumped by a woman I loved out of nowhere, for no valid reasons.
Since then, the trigeminal neuralgia got worse HARDCORE. And my Oxy guy started to not have oxycodone for sale ever, which sometimes was oxycontin 10-20-40mg or sometimes Supeudol 20mg (canadian Sandoz made oxy IR). So all he had was Dilaudid, which, as we all know is completely worthless orally and just okay when snorted.
So in spring 2011 I picked up the needle, sometimes, I would inject a 4mg brand name dilaudid every time i would have a pain crisis. Then, yeah, I gotta admit I also loved how it made me feel. So it became not regular, but a little more than just once a week. Then this summer it became a 32 to 56mg IV thing. Everyday. I managed to stop myself about twice with ADD meds, which I gave in and decided would put me out of the daze those anticonvulsants I had used for years put me in. Which they did by the way, the DOB psychosis went away in 2008, I'd say, just with the help of benzos. Which was 2 x1 10mg Valium a day since summer 2010 and Dexedrine, which helped me gain my brains back, sort of.
Today I have left the alcoholism/drug abuse detox where I chose to go to, in my remote shit northern canada city (it's about the 10th largest and last metro area of canada to give you an idea). They don't have methadone clinics here. They throw all kinds of drug abusers together. Seeing piece of shit alcoholics who are 55 who seem to enjoy being there for the free food, little idiotic cunts in their early 20's claiming cocaine withdrawal was just as bad or worse than my problem ( I was the only person there who was an opiate "abuser", these people have really no fucking idea how INHUMAN opiate withdrawal is)...just like BENZO withdrawal. Because apparently, methadone is SO DANGEROUS that those mere 20mg of valium i was taking a day for anxiety since 3 years were SUPER DUPER DANGEROUS to mix with methadone, they cut me to 10mg valium a day...and next week, and tomorrow i'm falling to 5mg a day, then the week after 2.5.....Let's be serious here, it is A LOT MORE dangerous to play with me like this and cut me from 20 to 10mg of valium a day. Maybe if they did 20 to 15, then 10 to 5. But no, TOO DANGEROUS. Also, same thing as if I had chosen subs, which aren't free which is why I have not chosen to take, unfortunately.
Here I am in my 2 room and a toilet apartment, too expensive, alone, with papers to bring, not the pharmacy which is just in front of my apartment, methadone scripts and everything else they scripted me before leaving (the mere valium 5mg of valium a day script, ibuprofen, fiorinal (5 whoppin caps) for my headaches), clonidine, oh and also only 30mg of methadone which I thought was at least convenient to have, but no, they don't have methadone syrup there, I have to go another pharmacy which is 10 mins on foot to go to,for 3 months, after that I get so called "privileges where I will be able to bring some home (a week's worth I think), that pissed me off so badly just before I left, I was informed of this. Can't wait to walk there during -30 celcius january days). I was started at 15mg....then was titrated to 25..in 6 days, BECAUSE IT IS SO HARDCORE, YOU MIGHT DIE!oneoneeleven. I hated my stay there, I hate methadone, which is weird, maybe if i had only levo-methadone, i'd like it, but the d-methadone and it's NMDA antagonism is not helping the depersonalization I'm feeling from the benzo tapering. I'm hating life. I'm yelling at everybody and I every single thing that irritates me, does so several times more now.
I have become a clichéd, methadone junkie. I haven't even seen heroin in my life in person. Is it normal I want to die ?
Since I was 17 now, early 30's I was always interested in the intelligent/smarter drug use, its culture, etc. you know what I mean, succesful student (who had untreated ADD/anxiety)/psychonaut who would do LSD, shrooms, dxm powder, pcp, and obviously tons of weed, as awesome weed is more plentiful than wood around here, eh. Psychedelics helped me overcome, or so I thought, anxiety and ADD, which they did somehow, and I did obtain a degree in networking and another in chemistry (both BA's), but I never really worked more than for 6 months, since I was plagued with trigeminal neuralgia since about 2005, which is triggered by anxiety etc. Once I was fed DOB blotters around that year, and I had psychosis and didn't feel like myself until way late in my chemistry BA,I was getting by, but acting like a robot etc. because I was soon put on xanax .5mg x 2 a day, then it was Rivoril 1mg X2 a day then X3 then X4, then 2mg X 4 a day then....
I got sick of feeling like that. Emotionless, everyone thought I was a weirdo, all the tricks I had managed to learn from real psychedelics (fuck DOB, it is shit and really ruined me for some time, it is NOT worth a shit, at least, when you have it thinking it is LSD) I wasn't able to apply in real life life anymore which helped me to cope and somehow even love all human beings, even those I totally think are wastes of flesh now, and the pain problems would not be addressed by doctors appropriately other than with clonazepam, which has some value in nerve pain somehow (it's true, check it out).
So after 2 years of disability and idiotic doctors putting me on neurontin which made me feel even dumber during my DOB related psychosis, then Topamax, which made me feel like I had a full frontal lobotomy and didn't do shit for pain, then Tegretol, which turns out, I was allergic to and almost developed Stevens-Johnson Syndrome from, and also did make me feel dumb, but to a lesser degree than the previously mentioned anti-epileptics, I found a guy that was selling some opiates, at first it was Oxycontins 40mg, which i would split in 4 and just 10mg at a time of crisis would help. For about 2008 to 2010 it's all I would take, rarely and I felt better, and did actually manage to find a job that didn't drug test me (it's a bit more rare in canada companies do so, most of american tests would be illegal here). But then I was dumped by a woman I loved out of nowhere, for no valid reasons.
Since then, the trigeminal neuralgia got worse HARDCORE. And my Oxy guy started to not have oxycodone for sale ever, which sometimes was oxycontin 10-20-40mg or sometimes Supeudol 20mg (canadian Sandoz made oxy IR). So all he had was Dilaudid, which, as we all know is completely worthless orally and just okay when snorted.
So in spring 2011 I picked up the needle, sometimes, I would inject a 4mg brand name dilaudid every time i would have a pain crisis. Then, yeah, I gotta admit I also loved how it made me feel. So it became not regular, but a little more than just once a week. Then this summer it became a 32 to 56mg IV thing. Everyday. I managed to stop myself about twice with ADD meds, which I gave in and decided would put me out of the daze those anticonvulsants I had used for years put me in. Which they did by the way, the DOB psychosis went away in 2008, I'd say, just with the help of benzos. Which was 2 x1 10mg Valium a day since summer 2010 and Dexedrine, which helped me gain my brains back, sort of.
Today I have left the alcoholism/drug abuse detox where I chose to go to, in my remote shit northern canada city (it's about the 10th largest and last metro area of canada to give you an idea). They don't have methadone clinics here. They throw all kinds of drug abusers together. Seeing piece of shit alcoholics who are 55 who seem to enjoy being there for the free food, little idiotic cunts in their early 20's claiming cocaine withdrawal was just as bad or worse than my problem ( I was the only person there who was an opiate "abuser", these people have really no fucking idea how INHUMAN opiate withdrawal is)...just like BENZO withdrawal. Because apparently, methadone is SO DANGEROUS that those mere 20mg of valium i was taking a day for anxiety since 3 years were SUPER DUPER DANGEROUS to mix with methadone, they cut me to 10mg valium a day...and next week, and tomorrow i'm falling to 5mg a day, then the week after 2.5.....Let's be serious here, it is A LOT MORE dangerous to play with me like this and cut me from 20 to 10mg of valium a day. Maybe if they did 20 to 15, then 10 to 5. But no, TOO DANGEROUS. Also, same thing as if I had chosen subs, which aren't free which is why I have not chosen to take, unfortunately.
Here I am in my 2 room and a toilet apartment, too expensive, alone, with papers to bring, not the pharmacy which is just in front of my apartment, methadone scripts and everything else they scripted me before leaving (the mere valium 5mg of valium a day script, ibuprofen, fiorinal (5 whoppin caps) for my headaches), clonidine, oh and also only 30mg of methadone which I thought was at least convenient to have, but no, they don't have methadone syrup there, I have to go another pharmacy which is 10 mins on foot to go to,for 3 months, after that I get so called "privileges where I will be able to bring some home (a week's worth I think), that pissed me off so badly just before I left, I was informed of this. Can't wait to walk there during -30 celcius january days). I was started at 15mg....then was titrated to 25..in 6 days, BECAUSE IT IS SO HARDCORE, YOU MIGHT DIE!oneoneeleven. I hated my stay there, I hate methadone, which is weird, maybe if i had only levo-methadone, i'd like it, but the d-methadone and it's NMDA antagonism is not helping the depersonalization I'm feeling from the benzo tapering. I'm hating life. I'm yelling at everybody and I every single thing that irritates me, does so several times more now.
I have become a clichéd, methadone junkie. I haven't even seen heroin in my life in person. Is it normal I want to die ?
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herbavore
Bluelight Crew
hit that 50 post mark and you'll be alright :D. I've been slacking in this thread. welcome all of you to bluelight especially to tds. if you haven't heard it yet, I love each and every one of you, and there's nothing you can do about it
this guy means it.
@THE_REAL_OBLIVION--I can certainly understand why the idea of death looks comforting. Where you are now is a temporary place--both physically and mentally. If you can hold on to that idea maybe it can help as well. Figuring out how to undo our own mistakes while living under the idiotic institutions those mistakes led us into is no picnic. At least you don't have the criminal "justice" system to deal with on top of all the other stuff. Is there any chance of getting hooked up with a more understanding addictions specialist (doctor)?
THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
Unfortunately, no. Here how things work is very unlike how it is in america or elsewhere. Since opiate "abuse", okay I admit injecting 56mg a day of dilaudid might have been a problem, well, no fuck it, it was only a problem because I wasn't scripted them, which would be free obviously here. I never got abcesses etc. Zero complications from IV use, just a little scar on my right hand which will go away with this vitamin E cream he prescribed me apparently.
There are no such things as opiate addiction clinics here, they toss all "toxicos" under the same umbrella, hence my 6 day stay with scum of this world, welfare leeches on antipsychotics, 60 year old alcoholics, stupid cuntish coke bitches (the stereotype of cocaine abusing whores appeared to be true at my stay there). When I tried to explain my problems to these idiots, it was like "I'm against methadone, I quit that cold turkey before when I was doing heroin in Montreal". Well fuck you, I quit dilaudid IV several times cold turkey which was most likely much worse than his heroin habit. The worst insult to injury was cokehead bitches saying their "withdrawal" was worse than mine. When I asked how come, when I managed to place a word during her fucking disrespectful cokehead behaviour of cutting others as they speak, that she didn't get anything to make it bearable other than a lame little 2mg Ativan at night and how everyone here had no business in detox except for me and the, yeah, i'll admit the alcoholics who shake all the time who need 20mg of ativan a day just to get by, at least i was seeing most of them were in a sort of different hell than me, but hell nonetheless. I questioned the nurses how come these people were not getting Librium 25mg caps instead, which I know people who did go to detox for alcohol who obtained, and that stopped their delerium tremens and shaking. The coolest person in there was that non judgemental guy who used to be a high ranking functionnary working at a university who was now reduced to that state. And he understood how horrible I felt, just like he did.
I'd say 50% of the nurses had some for of humanism, the others treated me like dirt, even when I explained I didn't become a junkie because I intended to shoot dilaudid all of my life and because of the crippling trigeminal neuralgia and that I had degrees demanding much more than their dumbass nurse degrees, I was still feeling like I was in a place a little more free than prison.
Luckily I'm out now. I feel a bit better tonight.I'm mad at the fact the doctor took the liberty to take all my scripts, even the non methadone script and moved it to that pharmacy which is farther away, so, the fact I have a pharmacy right in front of my apartment is almost useless.
I had a script of atarax 50mg with 6 renewals from my family doc, he took the liberty to remove all renewals. Had I brought them to detox when I entered the place, he would have had them seized, like the valium 10mgs i brought in, which i shouldnt have in retrospect at, I still have the full of bottle of atarax here, like how I'd still have the valium if i didn't bring them.
I had no idea they could do this. Honestly right now this is what angers me the most. I wonder if I take an appointment with my psychiatrist to have the regular script renewed and have it filled in front of my apartment, would I get fucked ? I don't think so, but these guys would say, hey stuff was moved over to the other place. I'd need to go to a pharmacy that has no idea of what happened...which I will no doubt try, there is a 4th one i know I have a dossier at. I will also try to get xanax from my GP, which shouldn't be very hard since he is the GP who scripted me dexedrine since 2004 and I never talked to him about getting benzos for sleep cos of my legal speed...So yeah, not all is lost, i can probably slip in through the cracks of the metaphoric prison they are trying to put over me.
As for the trigeminal neuralgia...I can maybe get surgery for it sometimes, micro-vascular decompression seems to be the only thing I'd go through, cos, I passed an MRI for them to see if there was actual compression, had no news from the neurologist, so I imagine the neuralgia isn't caused by that. I refuse to undergo any sort of rhizotomy.
Methadone right now, if i use this opiate converter I trust very much, they have an option of chronic methadone dosage. So apparently, what I take right now is equal to 5.62mg of dilaudid IV'd....sure it lasts longer...but i dont feel good, sleep is still difficult unless i knock myself out with Seroquel which I HATE.
They want me to be on 30mg for a week now, then 40, etc. and aiming to 60, and absolutely zero use of benzos. He says the methadone should treat my anxiety but it does not, at least, it doesn't cover the crippling pain of benzo withdrawal, yesterday I had crazy TICKS IN MY BED AND THIS RLS I ALWAYS HEARD ABOUT. I never had RLS ever, even from opi w/d. Benzo tapering done quickly like this is criminal.
What do you guys suggest me to do about the benzo tapering which is obviously botched? Canadians chiming in would be awesome. Also if mods find that parts of my post could go in other threads/boards, happily move that shit where it belongs, but I am clearly venting and in tl;dr territory right now....
I'm 30 and I have to have my mom bring me to that farther away pharmacy tomorrow..and single fucking day for 3 months where I need to gulp the methadone in front of the pharmacist...i hope i dont have to do it in front of everybody and that they bring me somewhere private, I cannot stand this humiliation anymore.
Have a good night crazies.
There are no such things as opiate addiction clinics here, they toss all "toxicos" under the same umbrella, hence my 6 day stay with scum of this world, welfare leeches on antipsychotics, 60 year old alcoholics, stupid cuntish coke bitches (the stereotype of cocaine abusing whores appeared to be true at my stay there). When I tried to explain my problems to these idiots, it was like "I'm against methadone, I quit that cold turkey before when I was doing heroin in Montreal". Well fuck you, I quit dilaudid IV several times cold turkey which was most likely much worse than his heroin habit. The worst insult to injury was cokehead bitches saying their "withdrawal" was worse than mine. When I asked how come, when I managed to place a word during her fucking disrespectful cokehead behaviour of cutting others as they speak, that she didn't get anything to make it bearable other than a lame little 2mg Ativan at night and how everyone here had no business in detox except for me and the, yeah, i'll admit the alcoholics who shake all the time who need 20mg of ativan a day just to get by, at least i was seeing most of them were in a sort of different hell than me, but hell nonetheless. I questioned the nurses how come these people were not getting Librium 25mg caps instead, which I know people who did go to detox for alcohol who obtained, and that stopped their delerium tremens and shaking. The coolest person in there was that non judgemental guy who used to be a high ranking functionnary working at a university who was now reduced to that state. And he understood how horrible I felt, just like he did.
I'd say 50% of the nurses had some for of humanism, the others treated me like dirt, even when I explained I didn't become a junkie because I intended to shoot dilaudid all of my life and because of the crippling trigeminal neuralgia and that I had degrees demanding much more than their dumbass nurse degrees, I was still feeling like I was in a place a little more free than prison.
Luckily I'm out now. I feel a bit better tonight.I'm mad at the fact the doctor took the liberty to take all my scripts, even the non methadone script and moved it to that pharmacy which is farther away, so, the fact I have a pharmacy right in front of my apartment is almost useless.
I had a script of atarax 50mg with 6 renewals from my family doc, he took the liberty to remove all renewals. Had I brought them to detox when I entered the place, he would have had them seized, like the valium 10mgs i brought in, which i shouldnt have in retrospect at, I still have the full of bottle of atarax here, like how I'd still have the valium if i didn't bring them.
I had no idea they could do this. Honestly right now this is what angers me the most. I wonder if I take an appointment with my psychiatrist to have the regular script renewed and have it filled in front of my apartment, would I get fucked ? I don't think so, but these guys would say, hey stuff was moved over to the other place. I'd need to go to a pharmacy that has no idea of what happened...which I will no doubt try, there is a 4th one i know I have a dossier at. I will also try to get xanax from my GP, which shouldn't be very hard since he is the GP who scripted me dexedrine since 2004 and I never talked to him about getting benzos for sleep cos of my legal speed...So yeah, not all is lost, i can probably slip in through the cracks of the metaphoric prison they are trying to put over me.
As for the trigeminal neuralgia...I can maybe get surgery for it sometimes, micro-vascular decompression seems to be the only thing I'd go through, cos, I passed an MRI for them to see if there was actual compression, had no news from the neurologist, so I imagine the neuralgia isn't caused by that. I refuse to undergo any sort of rhizotomy.
Methadone right now, if i use this opiate converter I trust very much, they have an option of chronic methadone dosage. So apparently, what I take right now is equal to 5.62mg of dilaudid IV'd....sure it lasts longer...but i dont feel good, sleep is still difficult unless i knock myself out with Seroquel which I HATE.
They want me to be on 30mg for a week now, then 40, etc. and aiming to 60, and absolutely zero use of benzos. He says the methadone should treat my anxiety but it does not, at least, it doesn't cover the crippling pain of benzo withdrawal, yesterday I had crazy TICKS IN MY BED AND THIS RLS I ALWAYS HEARD ABOUT. I never had RLS ever, even from opi w/d. Benzo tapering done quickly like this is criminal.
What do you guys suggest me to do about the benzo tapering which is obviously botched? Canadians chiming in would be awesome. Also if mods find that parts of my post could go in other threads/boards, happily move that shit where it belongs, but I am clearly venting and in tl;dr territory right now....
I'm 30 and I have to have my mom bring me to that farther away pharmacy tomorrow..and single fucking day for 3 months where I need to gulp the methadone in front of the pharmacist...i hope i dont have to do it in front of everybody and that they bring me somewhere private, I cannot stand this humiliation anymore.
Have a good night crazies.
mdmayhem
Greenlighter
Hello everyone, I hope people are coping out there, things get tough as winter creeps in; but just remember that we're not alone!!! Or at least that's what in counting on. I haven't posted here in a while because I've been caught up in starting uni... Hectic, loads of work, loads of new situations ... Which have inevitably led me back here. I cannot risk being in possession of any illicit substances ever again, and frankly / they would not be aiding the end goal and the way I want to be either. But in lying here in bed plotting ways for me to reintroduce it into my life. My new friends understand my situation but equally they are not going to avoid something that is fine for them just because I fucked up. I don't want to get left behind. I really want to do this . I really don't want to do this. Send me tr answer angels. Stop this insatiable hunger for bliss x
mdmayhem
Greenlighter
I only like saying things when I really have things to say! I lurk occasionally but I'd say I'm sporadic. I had time for here after my first drugs experience, then I got so involved I didn't really have time for anything for over a year, and now I'm back ...
get in the lounge and troll people or post some bullshit for like an hour. I can make probably 100 posts/hour in the lounge. shit look at dex and lonewolf. they have mad post count.
impfish
Greenlighter
Also longtime lurker here that only posts during rare bouts of confidence-infused mania. Now is not one of those times but I'm desperately trying to overcome my lurking ways (in day-to-day life as well) and get down to existing in plain sight of others. That's some scary shit for us shadow-dwellers. So be gentle at first, and I promise the same in return!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Hey impfish and mdmayhem, nothing wrong in lurking!
It's a pretty gentle sub-forum generally. I hope to get to know both of you better.
@mdmayhem: use this time to stay strong and still be with people that are using. I made that transition and it wasn't easy at first but got easier with time. That was many years ago but I know some of my sons friends that don't do any substances and party right along with the rest that do. You can do it. Remember why you stopped and what your ultimate goals are.
It's a pretty gentle sub-forum generally. I hope to get to know both of you better.@mdmayhem: use this time to stay strong and still be with people that are using. I made that transition and it wasn't easy at first but got easier with time. That was many years ago but I know some of my sons friends that don't do any substances and party right along with the rest that do. You can do it. Remember why you stopped and what your ultimate goals are.
Tarnum
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2012
- Messages
- 102
Hey everyone im Tarnum and my DOC is opiates. Except now its harder because i associate foil with H and love the whole ritual. I was off for a week while being addicted to opiates for 5 years and slipped for another week and today is one day of no H and i had to take the dirty many side effects, loperamide. I have no access or money for anything else sadly. I hope to help everyone here and find support also.
welcome to tds. lope will help ease a lot of the physical issues. wish ya the best of luck
lope will help ease a lot of the physical issues. wish ya the best of luck 
1lost
Bluelighter
1lost, 1000 won, this place is where for the first time I feel like I belong, thanks everybody for being a part of my new addiction , Bluelight ,-)
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
^yeah, it definitely has a way of becoming that!![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Welcome! Tell us a little about yourself.
Welcome! Tell us a little about yourself.
Furry mouth
Bluelighter
Hi, I'm 41 year old.
Spent my first stint in psychiatric hospital at 14 years old. Was treated for depression for years. Finally got diagnosis of BPD nearly 4 years ago after having a fairly serious mixed state episode. I was in a bad way and Lost my job but they were screwing me anyway. In the last 3 years my paranoia has shot through the roof. Can't make new friends, don't trust anybody, second guess everyone and think my phones are tapped.
All told, I feel lonely. I have only met one other bipolar person in my life and that was in hospital 3 years ago. Apart from that I have not met another person that I can talk to about BPD.
Phew, glad I have somewhere to come and talk to like minded individuals.
Not sure what else to write about myself but I'm sure I'll learn as I go along.
Thx
Spent my first stint in psychiatric hospital at 14 years old. Was treated for depression for years. Finally got diagnosis of BPD nearly 4 years ago after having a fairly serious mixed state episode. I was in a bad way and Lost my job but they were screwing me anyway. In the last 3 years my paranoia has shot through the roof. Can't make new friends, don't trust anybody, second guess everyone and think my phones are tapped.
All told, I feel lonely. I have only met one other bipolar person in my life and that was in hospital 3 years ago. Apart from that I have not met another person that I can talk to about BPD.
Phew, glad I have somewhere to come and talk to like minded individuals.
Not sure what else to write about myself but I'm sure I'll learn as I go along.
Thx
anarchy747
Greenlighter
hey all..
I'm anarchy747 -- I am a writer/musician/counselor by trade.
I have lived a very colorful life, let's say..
I am intrigued by the idea(s) of subtlety, nuance, spirit, art, "para", depth, mystic...and really anything/everything that possibly meets that criteria.
long-time reader of BL, and for whatever reason, today was the day I decided to register. cheers.
I'm anarchy747 -- I am a writer/musician/counselor by trade.
I have lived a very colorful life, let's say..
I am intrigued by the idea(s) of subtlety, nuance, spirit, art, "para", depth, mystic...and really anything/everything that possibly meets that criteria.
long-time reader of BL, and for whatever reason, today was the day I decided to register. cheers.
opium
Bluelighter
hi im victor and im a shopaholic
I'm B and I like sex and <snip>
Last edited by a moderator:
benzoheadplus44
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2008
- Messages
- 317
Hi, im chris, im a polysubstance abuser.... or more now of an amphetamine addict with benzos more rxed highly on the side... plus subutex
well heres my story
17 i did drugs first time... dxm daily really... but hydrocodone is my first drug... weed wasnt first... i loved vicodin pain killers quickly were my fav...
then i took adderall hated it
took it again, then got a RX 75 mg daily, now i get 80mg dextrostat tablets daily rxed... 25yrs old in january... got my first tattoo.. im a huge alkaline trio fan... so i got the heart and skull and guess who is blasting now..... mr chainsaw mother fuckers.... then comes take lots with alcohol....
but anyway
so heres a long one
i had the best gf michelle my fav name for a chick it was a 4 1/2 year relationship.... broke up before i turned 21... never since well 3 times since have i gotten laid... gf might save me.... any girls wanna be my buddy.... like in a love love way... im not into one night stands tho i just fucked a 38 yr old whore.... lol... im into love i want that feeling again... i dream of michelle a lot... having that girl in my life was nice... any girl i mean love... oxytocin.... that feeling..... love is A good feeling...
when i was 20 i moved back in to my parents after 2 years bouncing around... my nickname was nigga chris, and had a lot of friends, partied drank, drugged my ass off (im white btw it was a all white area so nigga chris no offense was a joke but ppl still call me that myyy nigga and shit lol...
those who read this and saw this know who i am... if u do thats awesome...
anyway after i moved back in at 20... i was a mess.... tweaking, out 4 days straight drinking partying benzoing then came heroin.... i was fucked...
my dad died when i was 20 we were in a verbal argument... and i had no add meds just in me was 40mg klonopin and 140mg oxycontin approx i lost a chunk while breaking it down... i nodded out on the wheel in the park where i bought it cops woke me up said to them i was just sad... lol worked... worked delivering pizzas i was so fucked up tho they sent me home and i basically passed out on the steering wheel in my driveway... 2 talll cans in the back, half an oxy under the right seat, benzos to the side...
weed seeds everywherre the cops searched it all said they thought it was crack the piece of oxy that went flying lol....
stupid fucks
anyways yeah me and my dad wrestled, i had choke marks and shit red marks... from him too i wouldnt hit him tho im not gonna hit my father... went up the stairs to leave... (they made me come in from the car when found in the condition while it was storming like tornado shit storming) they yelled at me i wanted to just leave or lay in my room.... but went back down the stairs forgot my shoes... lol.. 3 times... then he came up after the last time grabbed my wrists... and i said no not here he fell i pulled as hard as a 110 lb person can he tripped thru the baby gate on the basement steps 15 to be exact he crushed his skull blunt force trauma shit.... went outside cops had guns poiinted at me i laid down they slammed me against the car i broke the cops ribs he was a fucker and slammed me when i was cooperating...
lived homeless till someone took me in... went to jail in 09 a year later for a 06 and 08 felony 2 months in with 2 years probation... arson and the busted ribs got felony resisting... arson was when i was 18 19 something like that... drunk not on my add meds again no weed jose cuervo and my ex's bf now my ex best friend (aint that fucked up they been 4 yrs dating, we are cool i guess i talk to them but idk fuck em)
went back to the ladies house after jail i spent 2 days on xanax and booze and fucked up then came back smoked weed... i was 30 miles away the lady and my grandfather had to get me... crystal lake to grayslake il...
and now... well then i mean i moved in witth my grandpa till he went into a nursing home this july, and i just now got off probation from a heroin dui, started talking to my mom and it was 4 years damn near since we spoke... i did the 110 mg methadone taper to the 2mg-4mg subs subutex which i abuse sometimes but not so much i dont wanna mess up a taper... its easy idk whyy methadone sucked the 7 days off it on uppers no benzos i was so fucking ill my heart and bp was blown away...
then my grandpa went to the nursing home i was alone there for a while tweaked out went into psychosis very bad called the police thinking i was tricked into calling them for killing a rabbbit with iv drugs that never happened.... bugs all over, friends in my house no one ever was there....
heard my mother next door.... it was fucked upi thought i was tricked...the er i thought was going to overdose me i was so scared.... i plugged 100mg dex ate 100mg snorted 30 or 50mg then two days later plugged (just shoved them in there no water so imagine those two days all the shit was simply XRing itself) took two more when the cop that didnt really come over with my friend mad who wasnt there either over me lying about being off dexedrine so he couldnt get any im selfish lol....
again all that was psychosis.,,
i got out was 11 days.... then i got into a motel in july last week my mom went ballistic over some stupid text we talked before this too....after the text which said ill ride my bike to meet u or to u to get my script, it was mailed to her, it was more a joke... 20 miles i think not.... well now i got 3000 dollars which 800 got fucked on me, i spent 1000 and basically payed 700 to stay a month in this persons house.... a different person....
ill have a room soon should be now but hes still here this is bullshit im on their couch but i have a roof over my head.......
ill be leaving soon so fuck.... i mean to go out today not move out... 25 days i have left about till im either fucked or alaska a friend from a military school is gonna take me in and help me.... i am technically legally clean, theyll dispense my meds to me... merchant marines, or him idk.. hes in the merchant marines... i may have to wait to january tho till this happens if it can... working for a third time on disability and free money, then get cash jobs... idk i got link card.... my mom responds in texts but only cuz i need her to pay my dr and subs one more time.... im that fucked... what happens when i move out... where will i be.... im fucked.... 2 months outside i dont think so,,, she needs to come to her senses and see my text of the 20 she read after telling me in voice shes coming to get me and take me to the pharmacy like no ones business.... nothing bad nothing bad at all... then i go to walgreens steal a benzedrex... ride out of there my phone gets blown with all these texts saying never again fuck me im a horrible person, when really im a good person.... i just take meds abuse the stimulants especially now with all this going on... im ok tho but if i dont have the dex illl panic and cry and shit...
or not able to stay awake...
crawl from alk 3 is playing right now thatts a good way to put it..
im at 130mg dex i woke up at 530pm its 13 hours later thats like one an hour hahaha no it was 6 3 4 oo shit yeah 130... im not nervous really... i got phenibut no benzos till later today i should make her go immediately to the pharmacy and get the lorazepams.... i got kava kava l theanine and phenibut in bulk with a scale... im ok.... valium is last taken like last night well about 28 hours ago so im ok..... i took 80 mg that day to keep it a high ass level knowing id be out for one day.... im ok feeling.... kava i take 2 more than the recommended but it has to be cuz the shit works so whats up everyone this is me...
chris
in a nutshell.... hello and thank u for reading... but basically thats it i thought my dad was healing after i got out of jail bonded out then he got worse and was in a coma for 2 weeks they pulled the plug on the best high day of my life the suboxone lyrica day with dex and shit... i found out from a friend who read a forum that he died...... now my mom hopefully will come to her senses without her im fucked she was my only hope.... she helped me with the stock money that my dad left.... thousands he had a million fucking dollar job just retired.... God is up there although i listen to a band who is blasphemist as all hell i basically know someone is watching me i should have died 8 times or so.... cats have 9 do i have one more or am i invincible.......
only issue is the amphetamines but my tolerance allows it and it makes me feel normal and stable, the benzos help anxiety and sub kills desires for opiates.. i took 50mg norco yesterday to keep opiate in my system i forgot about that i have to go 11 days no bupe to get more, and thats a bitch.... im ok tho i didnt need those norco just thought i better do it.... didnt feel it didnt do anything im not sick yet its day 6... 19th i get it back..... i dont know i think my shit was stolen along with 100 bucks in cvs cards specifically for them i have 25 in my pocket 80 almost on a card from walmart unless my order for 30 dollars for noopept on amazon was not cancelled it should be though till i know shes gonna pay him... i want to try noopept to see if it will help me if its "that strong" maybe i can lower my dose and shit.... or just idk i doubt it... ill just use it when i run out of this dex probably if i do order it.... or ill be so sleepy 400mg caffeine wont help, benzedrex will i do have muriatic acid and can turn it from cotton to powder paste, crystal whatever it turns into i forgot i gotta read up on that but id feel safer and cheaper per dose using noopept......
one gram 30 bucks 5 is 50....
idk fuck man... homeless sucks but then having a seizure from not having meds or something for not affording kpin ill be shit fucked... i wont sit in the outdoors with stims, i mean without them ill be asleep in the woods somewhere lol..... or seized up jet travolta style without money... i need one bottle but all 3 of subutex would be the greatest amount get off it... tho its probably a bad idea.... benzos i need sorry... they work for anxiety im dependent and too late too bad ill have a dr taper me when i wanna taper fuck em.... i know they work... i have migranes from my mom maybe fibromayalgia beginning.... she did at my age about... started anyway.... so i want gabapentin or lyrica but in reality 2mg kpin in am and the 2nd dose rather be 30mg temazepam maybe id sleep every night... probably not... benzos dont put me to sleep phenibut sure as hell does tho....
but what do you all think.... o and in illinois disability will take a while and even with a lawyer... the psychosis shit summer time helps a lot.....but still.. its gonna be hard to get.... in their eyes im clean i cant get into a rehab nor do i want to... i get out then what get my meds back... i am legally suppose to take the 3 meds and illegally take my weed lol..... but shit my dr is vice pres of the psychiatric board.... hes the top no insurance covers him... nothing.... im out guys thank you... plz rd... ill put this into a thread of its own too....
well heres my story
17 i did drugs first time... dxm daily really... but hydrocodone is my first drug... weed wasnt first... i loved vicodin pain killers quickly were my fav...
then i took adderall hated it
took it again, then got a RX 75 mg daily, now i get 80mg dextrostat tablets daily rxed... 25yrs old in january... got my first tattoo.. im a huge alkaline trio fan... so i got the heart and skull and guess who is blasting now..... mr chainsaw mother fuckers.... then comes take lots with alcohol....
but anyway
so heres a long one
i had the best gf michelle my fav name for a chick it was a 4 1/2 year relationship.... broke up before i turned 21... never since well 3 times since have i gotten laid... gf might save me.... any girls wanna be my buddy.... like in a love love way... im not into one night stands tho i just fucked a 38 yr old whore.... lol... im into love i want that feeling again... i dream of michelle a lot... having that girl in my life was nice... any girl i mean love... oxytocin.... that feeling..... love is A good feeling...
when i was 20 i moved back in to my parents after 2 years bouncing around... my nickname was nigga chris, and had a lot of friends, partied drank, drugged my ass off (im white btw it was a all white area so nigga chris no offense was a joke but ppl still call me that myyy nigga and shit lol...
those who read this and saw this know who i am... if u do thats awesome...
anyway after i moved back in at 20... i was a mess.... tweaking, out 4 days straight drinking partying benzoing then came heroin.... i was fucked...
my dad died when i was 20 we were in a verbal argument... and i had no add meds just in me was 40mg klonopin and 140mg oxycontin approx i lost a chunk while breaking it down... i nodded out on the wheel in the park where i bought it cops woke me up said to them i was just sad... lol worked... worked delivering pizzas i was so fucked up tho they sent me home and i basically passed out on the steering wheel in my driveway... 2 talll cans in the back, half an oxy under the right seat, benzos to the side...
weed seeds everywherre the cops searched it all said they thought it was crack the piece of oxy that went flying lol....
stupid fucks
anyways yeah me and my dad wrestled, i had choke marks and shit red marks... from him too i wouldnt hit him tho im not gonna hit my father... went up the stairs to leave... (they made me come in from the car when found in the condition while it was storming like tornado shit storming) they yelled at me i wanted to just leave or lay in my room.... but went back down the stairs forgot my shoes... lol.. 3 times... then he came up after the last time grabbed my wrists... and i said no not here he fell i pulled as hard as a 110 lb person can he tripped thru the baby gate on the basement steps 15 to be exact he crushed his skull blunt force trauma shit.... went outside cops had guns poiinted at me i laid down they slammed me against the car i broke the cops ribs he was a fucker and slammed me when i was cooperating...
lived homeless till someone took me in... went to jail in 09 a year later for a 06 and 08 felony 2 months in with 2 years probation... arson and the busted ribs got felony resisting... arson was when i was 18 19 something like that... drunk not on my add meds again no weed jose cuervo and my ex's bf now my ex best friend (aint that fucked up they been 4 yrs dating, we are cool i guess i talk to them but idk fuck em)
went back to the ladies house after jail i spent 2 days on xanax and booze and fucked up then came back smoked weed... i was 30 miles away the lady and my grandfather had to get me... crystal lake to grayslake il...
and now... well then i mean i moved in witth my grandpa till he went into a nursing home this july, and i just now got off probation from a heroin dui, started talking to my mom and it was 4 years damn near since we spoke... i did the 110 mg methadone taper to the 2mg-4mg subs subutex which i abuse sometimes but not so much i dont wanna mess up a taper... its easy idk whyy methadone sucked the 7 days off it on uppers no benzos i was so fucking ill my heart and bp was blown away...
then my grandpa went to the nursing home i was alone there for a while tweaked out went into psychosis very bad called the police thinking i was tricked into calling them for killing a rabbbit with iv drugs that never happened.... bugs all over, friends in my house no one ever was there....
heard my mother next door.... it was fucked upi thought i was tricked...the er i thought was going to overdose me i was so scared.... i plugged 100mg dex ate 100mg snorted 30 or 50mg then two days later plugged (just shoved them in there no water so imagine those two days all the shit was simply XRing itself) took two more when the cop that didnt really come over with my friend mad who wasnt there either over me lying about being off dexedrine so he couldnt get any im selfish lol....
again all that was psychosis.,,
i got out was 11 days.... then i got into a motel in july last week my mom went ballistic over some stupid text we talked before this too....after the text which said ill ride my bike to meet u or to u to get my script, it was mailed to her, it was more a joke... 20 miles i think not.... well now i got 3000 dollars which 800 got fucked on me, i spent 1000 and basically payed 700 to stay a month in this persons house.... a different person....
ill have a room soon should be now but hes still here this is bullshit im on their couch but i have a roof over my head.......
ill be leaving soon so fuck.... i mean to go out today not move out... 25 days i have left about till im either fucked or alaska a friend from a military school is gonna take me in and help me.... i am technically legally clean, theyll dispense my meds to me... merchant marines, or him idk.. hes in the merchant marines... i may have to wait to january tho till this happens if it can... working for a third time on disability and free money, then get cash jobs... idk i got link card.... my mom responds in texts but only cuz i need her to pay my dr and subs one more time.... im that fucked... what happens when i move out... where will i be.... im fucked.... 2 months outside i dont think so,,, she needs to come to her senses and see my text of the 20 she read after telling me in voice shes coming to get me and take me to the pharmacy like no ones business.... nothing bad nothing bad at all... then i go to walgreens steal a benzedrex... ride out of there my phone gets blown with all these texts saying never again fuck me im a horrible person, when really im a good person.... i just take meds abuse the stimulants especially now with all this going on... im ok tho but if i dont have the dex illl panic and cry and shit...
or not able to stay awake...
crawl from alk 3 is playing right now thatts a good way to put it..
im at 130mg dex i woke up at 530pm its 13 hours later thats like one an hour hahaha no it was 6 3 4 oo shit yeah 130... im not nervous really... i got phenibut no benzos till later today i should make her go immediately to the pharmacy and get the lorazepams.... i got kava kava l theanine and phenibut in bulk with a scale... im ok.... valium is last taken like last night well about 28 hours ago so im ok..... i took 80 mg that day to keep it a high ass level knowing id be out for one day.... im ok feeling.... kava i take 2 more than the recommended but it has to be cuz the shit works so whats up everyone this is me...
chris
in a nutshell.... hello and thank u for reading... but basically thats it i thought my dad was healing after i got out of jail bonded out then he got worse and was in a coma for 2 weeks they pulled the plug on the best high day of my life the suboxone lyrica day with dex and shit... i found out from a friend who read a forum that he died...... now my mom hopefully will come to her senses without her im fucked she was my only hope.... she helped me with the stock money that my dad left.... thousands he had a million fucking dollar job just retired.... God is up there although i listen to a band who is blasphemist as all hell i basically know someone is watching me i should have died 8 times or so.... cats have 9 do i have one more or am i invincible.......
only issue is the amphetamines but my tolerance allows it and it makes me feel normal and stable, the benzos help anxiety and sub kills desires for opiates.. i took 50mg norco yesterday to keep opiate in my system i forgot about that i have to go 11 days no bupe to get more, and thats a bitch.... im ok tho i didnt need those norco just thought i better do it.... didnt feel it didnt do anything im not sick yet its day 6... 19th i get it back..... i dont know i think my shit was stolen along with 100 bucks in cvs cards specifically for them i have 25 in my pocket 80 almost on a card from walmart unless my order for 30 dollars for noopept on amazon was not cancelled it should be though till i know shes gonna pay him... i want to try noopept to see if it will help me if its "that strong" maybe i can lower my dose and shit.... or just idk i doubt it... ill just use it when i run out of this dex probably if i do order it.... or ill be so sleepy 400mg caffeine wont help, benzedrex will i do have muriatic acid and can turn it from cotton to powder paste, crystal whatever it turns into i forgot i gotta read up on that but id feel safer and cheaper per dose using noopept......
one gram 30 bucks 5 is 50....
idk fuck man... homeless sucks but then having a seizure from not having meds or something for not affording kpin ill be shit fucked... i wont sit in the outdoors with stims, i mean without them ill be asleep in the woods somewhere lol..... or seized up jet travolta style without money... i need one bottle but all 3 of subutex would be the greatest amount get off it... tho its probably a bad idea.... benzos i need sorry... they work for anxiety im dependent and too late too bad ill have a dr taper me when i wanna taper fuck em.... i know they work... i have migranes from my mom maybe fibromayalgia beginning.... she did at my age about... started anyway.... so i want gabapentin or lyrica but in reality 2mg kpin in am and the 2nd dose rather be 30mg temazepam maybe id sleep every night... probably not... benzos dont put me to sleep phenibut sure as hell does tho....
but what do you all think.... o and in illinois disability will take a while and even with a lawyer... the psychosis shit summer time helps a lot.....but still.. its gonna be hard to get.... in their eyes im clean i cant get into a rehab nor do i want to... i get out then what get my meds back... i am legally suppose to take the 3 meds and illegally take my weed lol..... but shit my dr is vice pres of the psychiatric board.... hes the top no insurance covers him... nothing.... im out guys thank you... plz rd... ill put this into a thread of its own too....
- Status