No apologies necessary; thank you for sharing what you did.
I think a great number of things in your post collectively point to the fact that you're eventually going to need to seek help from others in order to save yourself. I would hope that that time be sooner rather than later, and yet I need to allow myself to be satisfied with suggestions, instead.
I'm just so afraid to hurt them more when there isn't anything they can do to help.
Are they not already helping - Providing you a home away from home that may spur rest and restorative communication? Additionally, they are inadvertently providing you with motivation to meet a healthier quota which, without having accepted this invitation from them, it sounds like you would have felt little reason to pursue otherwise.
Starting as early as I can remember taking drugs I've always been kinda solitary about it.
Strangely enough, so was I. And you know what? That conditioned mentality poisoned my efforts to address the problems I'd created for myself and get help. It is extremely difficult to get help from others solitarily
Re-routing your ingrained ways of thinking could prove invaluable as you attempt to identify the underlying issues in your life that spur those self-defeating addictions and ways of thinking about and relating to your external world.
They have no idea what the high or the dependency feels like. So I don't talk to them.
It sounds as though you may greatly benefit from locating and involving yourself with people who have experienced their own Dark Side and with whom you can meet eye-to-eye. From your words, I would make the assumption that, although it is unfamiliar (and quite likely a bit intimidating), you might just greatly benefit from such a situation. No one
has to suffer alone.
So I try to hide it harder - which is obviously more suspicious looking. But they have seen that behavior from me so many times.
Continuing to hide things from others who already knew what it was I was hiding from them was a classic manifestation of my pride and ego. Both are cancerous growths in the minds of those struggling with addictions, and must be excised if one hopes to ever achieve steadfast serenity. Consider letting yourself be exposed - You'll be very surprised by the non-lethal reactions you'll get from others who see that you are now being honest with them.
Now I've recently started dating an ex-junkie.
Without being invasive, I'd like to urge you to reconsider this decision you've made. If it began recently, then there aren't years of companionship to be broken. And if it means the difference between a real life or a life doomed to opiate and methamphetamine dependency, the choice ought to be obvious.
And started lying to him... for his own protection of course. :/
This is codependency, yet another covariant factor in a web of issues it appears you ought to address once your head is cleared of all the intoxicants you've been doing!
That should be motivation enough for me to quit. But it's not.
Do you think that, governed by your own free will, you will ever be able to do this yourself?
Using others as motivation rarely, if ever, results in long-term sobriety.
He wants me on Subs right away.
Not an awful idea. But by no means a long-term solution. It may be a necessary first step, however.
Mull this stuff over; I would encourage you to seek the advice of other Dark Siders, too, elsewhere in the forum. Maybe do some forum searches for phrases relating to your dilemma and read over what has been posted before - we have quite an extensive library of threads with some wonderful advice.
All are here to congregate, share, give and take. Don't be a stranger
With
~ vaya
