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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
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Hi painenduser!
I've seen you post around BDD quite a lot - very glad you have found your way to TDS. This is definitely the right place to come when you have no one else to talk to - there are so many lovely, supportive people in here. It sounds like you have been through more than any one person should - huge congratulations on making it through!
TDS has helped me through some tough times, and I am sure it can do the same for you.
Welcome!
I've seen you post around BDD quite a lot - very glad you have found your way to TDS. This is definitely the right place to come when you have no one else to talk to - there are so many lovely, supportive people in here. It sounds like you have been through more than any one person should - huge congratulations on making it through!
TDS has helped me through some tough times, and I am sure it can do the same for you.
Welcome!
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
yeah overdone, took me a while to look at the stickied thread :D
Fixed5217
Bluelighter
DT's
hey guys, new to posting over here and there are some heartfelt stories. I've actually been awake for 30 hours now[actually might not fall asleep this week...not because of any drugs but because I stopped taking one: alcohol.It's not my DOC but it's the drug i choose. The first one I tried was some sort of meds for surgery, which I've written about...and my mom said then that i'd be a horrible alcoholic. It's taken me 5 years to understand what she meant by that, I drive well, do homework, etc, etc--but all perfectly fine under the influence. I'm not the raging douche at the party or the obnoxios soroity girl, when I drink I'm on a pretty even plane (gave people complex directions one night, woke up and realized I had been arrested because i found a breathylyzer piece in my pocket from my own bed a town over). Since then I don't go crazy with my drinks and have a moderate amount (most nights) most nights is the problem I ran into yesterday.
I would have otherwise said life was normal, not great, but certainly not bad. I awoke with a normal malaise, and got slammed with withdrawal symptoms late in the evening. It was so out of the blue, i mean I wasn't drinking tons, certainly not nicolas cage drowning in ethanol in vegas. I swollowed shards of pride and had my friend take me to the er when I realized what was happening. I would have driven, could walk but could barely sign the form the gave me or hold on to anything. and my arms went numb. The effects manifested so quickly and reading about the seriousness of delirium tremens, I truly became scared for so many things.
Wait times didn't make anything better as uncontrollable tremors and palpitations trove my organs and limbs. I was smiling the entire time with the most enormous sense of peace. I still feel like shit today. I never felt an ounce of the lorazepam they iv'ed me but my heart rate dropped from 130 to 75, yet nowhere near my normal resting of 40 (thank you athletics). It was the first time I wasnt excited to try something new
It was and still is a pretty awful thing. most people don't ever get there, but alot of people know what it's like. And because of my tolerance levels to different things, the mg/kg dose given to me has little if any at all effect.
I think I made every nurse or doctor smile that night, and am really glad it happened when it did. I could have functioned for years and actually left las vegas.
I have great friends to show support, i mean j dropped everything when I told him what I had going on. and the coolest part about it is Amidst all the storm of things that should have made me flustered and miserable, I finally figured out what I want to do. I have 49/50 of a physics degree, but I want to be a ER pharmacist and with the drive to do it I'll get there.
The other thing That made the evening memorable was a man who walked in as i was waiting on a ride; suffering from some ailment unbeknownst to me. It exhibited symptoms like delirium tremens and now that the ativan had taken most of my shakes away i offered to help the guy fill out his form. He kindly accepted the offer
I've tried and or been burned much quicker by nearly every substance that one can consume. I'll probably use some of them from time to time as had been my natural flow anyways. Right now I'm finding work, loans and going back to school that isn't just a functional layover spot.
I mean I've been much closer to death and many times, but I think I figured it out finally. I sure as hell dont remember when I had my last sip of beer or liqour, but i vividly remember when I decided to give it up.
and i see a silver lining in the ativan dosage i was prescribed, it helps, but i'll take the symptoms as a seal on that reminder
hey guys, new to posting over here and there are some heartfelt stories. I've actually been awake for 30 hours now[actually might not fall asleep this week...not because of any drugs but because I stopped taking one: alcohol.It's not my DOC but it's the drug i choose. The first one I tried was some sort of meds for surgery, which I've written about...and my mom said then that i'd be a horrible alcoholic. It's taken me 5 years to understand what she meant by that, I drive well, do homework, etc, etc--but all perfectly fine under the influence. I'm not the raging douche at the party or the obnoxios soroity girl, when I drink I'm on a pretty even plane (gave people complex directions one night, woke up and realized I had been arrested because i found a breathylyzer piece in my pocket from my own bed a town over). Since then I don't go crazy with my drinks and have a moderate amount (most nights) most nights is the problem I ran into yesterday.
I would have otherwise said life was normal, not great, but certainly not bad. I awoke with a normal malaise, and got slammed with withdrawal symptoms late in the evening. It was so out of the blue, i mean I wasn't drinking tons, certainly not nicolas cage drowning in ethanol in vegas. I swollowed shards of pride and had my friend take me to the er when I realized what was happening. I would have driven, could walk but could barely sign the form the gave me or hold on to anything. and my arms went numb. The effects manifested so quickly and reading about the seriousness of delirium tremens, I truly became scared for so many things.
Wait times didn't make anything better as uncontrollable tremors and palpitations trove my organs and limbs. I was smiling the entire time with the most enormous sense of peace. I still feel like shit today. I never felt an ounce of the lorazepam they iv'ed me but my heart rate dropped from 130 to 75, yet nowhere near my normal resting of 40 (thank you athletics). It was the first time I wasnt excited to try something new
It was and still is a pretty awful thing. most people don't ever get there, but alot of people know what it's like. And because of my tolerance levels to different things, the mg/kg dose given to me has little if any at all effect.
I think I made every nurse or doctor smile that night, and am really glad it happened when it did. I could have functioned for years and actually left las vegas.
I have great friends to show support, i mean j dropped everything when I told him what I had going on. and the coolest part about it is Amidst all the storm of things that should have made me flustered and miserable, I finally figured out what I want to do. I have 49/50 of a physics degree, but I want to be a ER pharmacist and with the drive to do it I'll get there.
The other thing That made the evening memorable was a man who walked in as i was waiting on a ride; suffering from some ailment unbeknownst to me. It exhibited symptoms like delirium tremens and now that the ativan had taken most of my shakes away i offered to help the guy fill out his form. He kindly accepted the offer
I've tried and or been burned much quicker by nearly every substance that one can consume. I'll probably use some of them from time to time as had been my natural flow anyways. Right now I'm finding work, loans and going back to school that isn't just a functional layover spot.
I mean I've been much closer to death and many times, but I think I figured it out finally. I sure as hell dont remember when I had my last sip of beer or liqour, but i vividly remember when I decided to give it up.
and i see a silver lining in the ativan dosage i was prescribed, it helps, but i'll take the symptoms as a seal on that reminder
Hi fixed5217, welcome to TDS!
Really sorry to hear about your alcohol WDs.. I'm so glad you went to the ER and got some treatment. I hope you start to feel better soon.
It's really great to hear so much positivity in your post, despite what you are going through - making people smile, helping others, your friends, your degree, future career plans and motivation are all fantastic. Hold onto those things when times are hard
Good luck getting through the WDs. There are a lot of people on here who have had alcohol addictions and who I am sure can relate to what you are going through, and we're all here to lend an ear if you need to talk it sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness now, and the desire to quit, which is really great!
Take care of yourself
Really sorry to hear about your alcohol WDs.. I'm so glad you went to the ER and got some treatment. I hope you start to feel better soon.
It's really great to hear so much positivity in your post, despite what you are going through - making people smile, helping others, your friends, your degree, future career plans and motivation are all fantastic. Hold onto those things when times are hard
Good luck getting through the WDs. There are a lot of people on here who have had alcohol addictions and who I am sure can relate to what you are going through, and we're all here to lend an ear if you need to talk
it sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness now, and the desire to quit, which is really great! Take care of yourself
I've been around for a few weeks but never get around to this bit...
But here I am!
I've had varying levels of depression over 15 or so years, with some occasional anxiety symptoms...
I spent the last three years sliding down a slippery slope of meth use, but have not used it for the last 4.5 weeks. Previously I was a chronic pot smoker for some 10+ years, but now I just have the occasional little bit socially and I like that. it would be lovely to do the same with meth again one day, but for now I'm on the abstinence train... plan to ride it for 3-6months and then... who knows??
I've worked in healthcare/medical on and off for around 8 years, in an administrative capacity, and I have some education in both science and fitness. This has all been really helpful in getting started on a cleaner, tidier path again, and in minimising the damage when I was misbehaving. Thankfully, there is no long term physical damage, and even dentally I have escaped unscathed... grateful is an understatement.
I hope that I can both get support and give support in here. You'll probably also see me around a bit in Healthy Living and Non-electronic music discussion... among others
Love to all, and what ever it is you're trying, just keep trying xx
But here I am!
I've had varying levels of depression over 15 or so years, with some occasional anxiety symptoms...
I spent the last three years sliding down a slippery slope of meth use, but have not used it for the last 4.5 weeks. Previously I was a chronic pot smoker for some 10+ years, but now I just have the occasional little bit socially and I like that. it would be lovely to do the same with meth again one day, but for now I'm on the abstinence train... plan to ride it for 3-6months and then... who knows??
I've worked in healthcare/medical on and off for around 8 years, in an administrative capacity, and I have some education in both science and fitness. This has all been really helpful in getting started on a cleaner, tidier path again, and in minimising the damage when I was misbehaving. Thankfully, there is no long term physical damage, and even dentally I have escaped unscathed... grateful is an understatement.
I hope that I can both get support and give support in here. You'll probably also see me around a bit in Healthy Living and Non-electronic music discussion... among others
Love to all, and what ever it is you're trying, just keep trying xx
Hi Adelady, welcome to TDS!
Good work on the abstinance thing, that's brilliant you'll find loads of support for that here, as well as for your depression and anxiety.. always lovely having someone else helping support others too! Fantastic to have you here
Good work on the abstinance thing, that's brilliant
you'll find loads of support for that here, as well as for your depression and anxiety.. always lovely having someone else helping support others too! Fantastic to have you here veinville
Greenlighter
Hi im Veinville, a benzo abuser, a alcoholic, a iv drug user, and ex methhead been clean about 5 years. i suffer from Gad and depressions and insomnia. if anyone would like to get to know me pm me
Hi Veinville, welcome to TDS!
Congratulations on getting clean and staying clean for so long - that is fantastic!
There are a lot of people here with similar issues to yours and we have threads on depression, anxiety, alcoholism etc which can all be found in the TDS directory link in my sig it can really help to speak to people who understand and are in the same place as you..
If you need any help here, feel free to pm myself or any of the mods. Take care of youself
Congratulations on getting clean and staying clean for so long - that is fantastic!
There are a lot of people here with similar issues to yours and we have threads on depression, anxiety, alcoholism etc which can all be found in the TDS directory link in my sig
it can really help to speak to people who understand and are in the same place as you..If you need any help here, feel free to pm myself or any of the mods. Take care of youself
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
Welcome to TDS!
Gnarles Bronson
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2011
- Messages
- 21
Mind Destroyed
I don't mean for this to be a diary, or anything, but this is something that I haven't really been able to talk about in my life, because most people haven't gone through it.
Also; after finishing this thesis I realize how self indulgent it is. I thought about deleting the first part, but out of laziness I left it. So if you just want to skip to the titular part, find the *****, and the real nitty is bolded.
To start at the very beginning; I started smoking weed at seventeen. And when I started, I started hard. I lived, just by happenstance, with a Colombian drug dealer, (boyfriend of my sisters), and just used to plow through the weed. Blunt after blunt after blunt after blunt. I'm sure that is not that abnormal, at least around these forums, but, just to say, during my weed-heyday I was easily in the top .1% smokers of weed by volume in the world.
It kind of fucked with me. I had always been a mopey kid. Introverted, sensitive, emotional. And basically over the next, say, four years destroyed most of my relationships, including my family.
At twenty one I fell in love with this girl and got her pregnant. I had been sober at the beginning of our relationship, but then, with the stress of everything, and the fact that her family gave me a quarter pound of weed for some reason, started smoking again. Some time later I told her that I thought about killing myself everyday. She broke up with me later that night. I always thought that was kind of funny for some reason.
I moved back to my old city, an emotional wreck--hyper stressed about looming fatherhood, until she called me a few months later to tell me that she had a miscarriage. I felt guilty for all the times I wished it, but more than anything I felt a feeling beyond relief.
Afterwards, with the weight of looming responsibility off my shoulders, I went off the darkside pretty hard. I wound up doing drugs I never would have done before, just because, well, fuck it.
And actually, now that my head is clear, there was about a year, maybe a year and a half afterwords that was good. Really good. The best I've ever been. I rode my bike 20 miles a day, had an omega juicer and was getting fucking crazy healthy. Doing all sorts of pushups and meditating and working and going to school hanging out being happy. It was all really good.
But then shit just happened.
Started getting high all the time again and fucking up all the relationships that I had grown.
Anyway, long story short--I wound up homeless.
********
I moved in with a guy I worked with, onto his couch. He was cool. DJ'd, smoked herb, did good drugs. But then he started with the nitrous, and, I'm not sure, but that may have been a contributing factor to my subsequent mental state.
At first I looked at him and his roommate while they were doing it like they were fucking joking. I passed on it for the first few times, but then eventually caved. Really the only drug I've ever done that I regret doing.
Anyway, things got tense living on his couch, I was spending all my money on drugs, and so didn't have the money to move out, and it was winter so I was kind of fucked. Anyway, I had the brilliant idea that: since weed was the only drug I consider myself addicted to, other than tobacco, and the hardest part of quitting weed for me is falling asleep--I would not smoke weed, buy some sleeping pills, konk myself out, and try and get sober enough to improve my living situation.
Well, it didn't work is the short end of that story. And I just wound up adding OTC sleeping pills to the menagerie of drugs I was already doing.
So here's what happened. Although I can't be sure which were really in my system that night, it was any mixture of the following: Oxycontin, Cocaine, MDMA, Nitrous, Tobacco, Weed, Alcohol, and of course, over the counter sleeping pills.
As I took that first cherry flavored pill, I can't really describe it, really, other than in metaphor. It felt like something between, my brain, or parts of my brain, popping like a balloon, melting, and or combined with being sucked into a black hole.
I always considered myself something of an artist, that I had a story to tell, or some burden, or some torch to carry for the world or something. And I remember what I thought right when it happened: that someone else is carrying that torch now. That was the last really clear thought I ever had.
For the next probably six months afterward my whole consciousness was really fucked. It felt like my brain was divided into these little bubbles, and each little bubble was experiencing reality in its own way--I think that this is actually the way your brain works, you have certain areas that remember faces for example, and certain areas that process certain information--My brain was just divided. It was in little segments that weren't working in harmony.
This happened about three or four years ago, so I've had time to process it all. But its interesting how people responded at the time. I remember telling this girl I worked with that "I've always identified myself by my mind, (whether art, or whatever) and now that's taken away," and she grinned.
I think that grin did more to destroy my opinion of humanity than anything else in my life. Like, my life was just destroyed and she got a little schadenfreuden kick out of it.
I remember smoking weed some time after this, maybe a year, and it literally felt like my brain was being raped by demons. Weed, once my favorite thing in the world, my most loyal friend, and now it tortures me. When I smoke weed it feels like my brain has these little tentacles that flail like electric wires, or something. It feels like these electric tentacles make up a little nest, a little coil when they are calm and happy, and then I smoke weed and it feels literally like my mind is being ripped apart. I don't think my "raped by demons" metaphor is too extreme either. That's exactly what I thought when it happened. I don't know if you have seen the movie Ghost, but it reminded me of those little black shadow demons that pull people down to hell. That's what it felt like.
Probably a year or more later, when my brain had at least calmed down a little, I found I could like move my jaw in a certain way and I could feel little bubbles moving along the side of my brain. That's pretty disconcerting. It still happens at times, not right now, but maybe when I drink too much or something.
Now, three or four years later, I can tell you my brain feels sore, like its been raped. Which might be offensive, but you'll have to excuse me for the sake of trying to express something intangible.
If I could describe the evolution of my brain since the incident as a balloon, it would be the first night everything except for maybe 5% was dissolved sucked into a black hole, the next week a series of little balloons started to pop up, then it was like a balloon that had like a vine wrapped around it and was being squeezed--like, have you ever grown a watermelon where this has happened and you can see where the roots and vines wrapped around the melon, restricting its growth. Anyway, now it feels like some retarded something balloon. The top part of my brain feels like it has a really bad sunburn, it still feels like it has little vines wrapped around it restricting its growth, and part of it feels like a big paper cut thats been peeled back and then laid flat, you know? Like an open sore basically. It's fucked.
As far as my mental operations go, the worst thing is that I don't feel like an artist anymore. So weaksauce. Like, before, when I would fuck myself up and get all depressed, I would feel kind of good in my depression. Just self indulgent, you know? Now I don't have any of the same artistic feelings I used to have. Hard to describe I guess.
I also used to get really emotional, but now more than anything I just get angry. And angry doesn't even really do justice to the way I feel. I remember a few years ago I got so pissed at this stupid bitch I nearly passed out. No fucking joking. Like, did you ever see a clockwork orange when the old guy freaks out when he realizes alex is the one that raped his wife? Well I put that motherfucker to shame with my fucking godless rage.
And maybe because I'm so emotionally unstable, I just can't trust my thoughts anymore, which is maybe the worst part. Like, one day I will feel really strongly one way or another about something, and then the next day I'll feel the complete opposite. Fucked.
My whole ability to form coherent thoughts or opinions is fucked.
The worst part about this whole thing is how stupidly it happened. To me its kind of like if Superman slipped on a bar of soap and died, you know? Like, if I would have gotten addicted to oxy, thats one thing. I could accept that. If I od'd on oxy I'd be like, well I should have known better. But over the counter sleeping pills? Are you fucking kidding me? And I know that they were the main culprit because I had taken them only one other time later and felt the same kind of mind-melting-being sucked into a blackhole feeling. Fucking fuck.
So thats that.
Other than that things are going pretty good though, how are you?
I don't mean for this to be a diary, or anything, but this is something that I haven't really been able to talk about in my life, because most people haven't gone through it.
Also; after finishing this thesis I realize how self indulgent it is. I thought about deleting the first part, but out of laziness I left it. So if you just want to skip to the titular part, find the *****, and the real nitty is bolded.
To start at the very beginning; I started smoking weed at seventeen. And when I started, I started hard. I lived, just by happenstance, with a Colombian drug dealer, (boyfriend of my sisters), and just used to plow through the weed. Blunt after blunt after blunt after blunt. I'm sure that is not that abnormal, at least around these forums, but, just to say, during my weed-heyday I was easily in the top .1% smokers of weed by volume in the world.
It kind of fucked with me. I had always been a mopey kid. Introverted, sensitive, emotional. And basically over the next, say, four years destroyed most of my relationships, including my family.
At twenty one I fell in love with this girl and got her pregnant. I had been sober at the beginning of our relationship, but then, with the stress of everything, and the fact that her family gave me a quarter pound of weed for some reason, started smoking again. Some time later I told her that I thought about killing myself everyday. She broke up with me later that night. I always thought that was kind of funny for some reason.
I moved back to my old city, an emotional wreck--hyper stressed about looming fatherhood, until she called me a few months later to tell me that she had a miscarriage. I felt guilty for all the times I wished it, but more than anything I felt a feeling beyond relief.
Afterwards, with the weight of looming responsibility off my shoulders, I went off the darkside pretty hard. I wound up doing drugs I never would have done before, just because, well, fuck it.
And actually, now that my head is clear, there was about a year, maybe a year and a half afterwords that was good. Really good. The best I've ever been. I rode my bike 20 miles a day, had an omega juicer and was getting fucking crazy healthy. Doing all sorts of pushups and meditating and working and going to school hanging out being happy. It was all really good.
But then shit just happened.
Started getting high all the time again and fucking up all the relationships that I had grown.
Anyway, long story short--I wound up homeless.
********
I moved in with a guy I worked with, onto his couch. He was cool. DJ'd, smoked herb, did good drugs. But then he started with the nitrous, and, I'm not sure, but that may have been a contributing factor to my subsequent mental state.
At first I looked at him and his roommate while they were doing it like they were fucking joking. I passed on it for the first few times, but then eventually caved. Really the only drug I've ever done that I regret doing.
Anyway, things got tense living on his couch, I was spending all my money on drugs, and so didn't have the money to move out, and it was winter so I was kind of fucked. Anyway, I had the brilliant idea that: since weed was the only drug I consider myself addicted to, other than tobacco, and the hardest part of quitting weed for me is falling asleep--I would not smoke weed, buy some sleeping pills, konk myself out, and try and get sober enough to improve my living situation.
Well, it didn't work is the short end of that story. And I just wound up adding OTC sleeping pills to the menagerie of drugs I was already doing.
So here's what happened. Although I can't be sure which were really in my system that night, it was any mixture of the following: Oxycontin, Cocaine, MDMA, Nitrous, Tobacco, Weed, Alcohol, and of course, over the counter sleeping pills.
As I took that first cherry flavored pill, I can't really describe it, really, other than in metaphor. It felt like something between, my brain, or parts of my brain, popping like a balloon, melting, and or combined with being sucked into a black hole.
I always considered myself something of an artist, that I had a story to tell, or some burden, or some torch to carry for the world or something. And I remember what I thought right when it happened: that someone else is carrying that torch now. That was the last really clear thought I ever had.
For the next probably six months afterward my whole consciousness was really fucked. It felt like my brain was divided into these little bubbles, and each little bubble was experiencing reality in its own way--I think that this is actually the way your brain works, you have certain areas that remember faces for example, and certain areas that process certain information--My brain was just divided. It was in little segments that weren't working in harmony.
This happened about three or four years ago, so I've had time to process it all. But its interesting how people responded at the time. I remember telling this girl I worked with that "I've always identified myself by my mind, (whether art, or whatever) and now that's taken away," and she grinned.
I think that grin did more to destroy my opinion of humanity than anything else in my life. Like, my life was just destroyed and she got a little schadenfreuden kick out of it.
I remember smoking weed some time after this, maybe a year, and it literally felt like my brain was being raped by demons. Weed, once my favorite thing in the world, my most loyal friend, and now it tortures me. When I smoke weed it feels like my brain has these little tentacles that flail like electric wires, or something. It feels like these electric tentacles make up a little nest, a little coil when they are calm and happy, and then I smoke weed and it feels literally like my mind is being ripped apart. I don't think my "raped by demons" metaphor is too extreme either. That's exactly what I thought when it happened. I don't know if you have seen the movie Ghost, but it reminded me of those little black shadow demons that pull people down to hell. That's what it felt like.
Probably a year or more later, when my brain had at least calmed down a little, I found I could like move my jaw in a certain way and I could feel little bubbles moving along the side of my brain. That's pretty disconcerting. It still happens at times, not right now, but maybe when I drink too much or something.
Now, three or four years later, I can tell you my brain feels sore, like its been raped. Which might be offensive, but you'll have to excuse me for the sake of trying to express something intangible.
If I could describe the evolution of my brain since the incident as a balloon, it would be the first night everything except for maybe 5% was dissolved sucked into a black hole, the next week a series of little balloons started to pop up, then it was like a balloon that had like a vine wrapped around it and was being squeezed--like, have you ever grown a watermelon where this has happened and you can see where the roots and vines wrapped around the melon, restricting its growth. Anyway, now it feels like some retarded something balloon. The top part of my brain feels like it has a really bad sunburn, it still feels like it has little vines wrapped around it restricting its growth, and part of it feels like a big paper cut thats been peeled back and then laid flat, you know? Like an open sore basically. It's fucked.
As far as my mental operations go, the worst thing is that I don't feel like an artist anymore. So weaksauce. Like, before, when I would fuck myself up and get all depressed, I would feel kind of good in my depression. Just self indulgent, you know? Now I don't have any of the same artistic feelings I used to have. Hard to describe I guess.
I also used to get really emotional, but now more than anything I just get angry. And angry doesn't even really do justice to the way I feel. I remember a few years ago I got so pissed at this stupid bitch I nearly passed out. No fucking joking. Like, did you ever see a clockwork orange when the old guy freaks out when he realizes alex is the one that raped his wife? Well I put that motherfucker to shame with my fucking godless rage.
And maybe because I'm so emotionally unstable, I just can't trust my thoughts anymore, which is maybe the worst part. Like, one day I will feel really strongly one way or another about something, and then the next day I'll feel the complete opposite. Fucked.
My whole ability to form coherent thoughts or opinions is fucked.
The worst part about this whole thing is how stupidly it happened. To me its kind of like if Superman slipped on a bar of soap and died, you know? Like, if I would have gotten addicted to oxy, thats one thing. I could accept that. If I od'd on oxy I'd be like, well I should have known better. But over the counter sleeping pills? Are you fucking kidding me? And I know that they were the main culprit because I had taken them only one other time later and felt the same kind of mind-melting-being sucked into a blackhole feeling. Fucking fuck.
So thats that.
Other than that things are going pretty good though, how are you?
Last edited:
monkeyemergency
Bluelighter
Wowee. Were you taking these OTC tablets in high dosages? and what chem were they? I'm glad you've become coherent enough to think and process what happened to you. Do you attribute it mainly to the sleeping pills or any other drugs in particular? Or just the general combination from that night?
Do you feel like your making progress in recovery? Or not really?
Do you feel like your making progress in recovery? Or not really?
elemenehei
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2010
- Messages
- 17
You look coherent too me.
I think you are stuck in a loop. Believing you are mindfucked and constantly thinking about it will only make you feel that way . Forget it, you are what you are and who you are .Can't change that go on with your life.
You have Abused substances . Our mind i think has ways to protect us from ourself .The part of you that know you are in shit produced enough fear to make you change your lifestyle be happy this happened one way or another cause if you continued abusing like that only worse could happen .
I think you are stuck in a loop. Believing you are mindfucked and constantly thinking about it will only make you feel that way . Forget it, you are what you are and who you are .Can't change that go on with your life.
You have Abused substances . Our mind i think has ways to protect us from ourself .The part of you that know you are in shit produced enough fear to make you change your lifestyle be happy this happened one way or another cause if you continued abusing like that only worse could happen .
suessmayr
Bluelighter
Gnarles Bronson - it definitely was not OTC sleeping pills that did this to you. It was either the weed or the nitrous, without question. They are the culprits in these sorts of things. Opiates no way, alcohol unlikely. Inhalants like nitrous oxide and amyl nitrate are the worst worst worst shit a person can do. That said, I did a fair amount of amyl around the age of 19-21, and often felt like I'd destroyed myself, but I'm essentially past that now (I'm 24).
It's hard with these things to know for sure that it was some particular drug itself that caused the issue. It seems possible that especially dangerous drugs (in terms of paranoia and psychosis) like weed and nitrous could just trigger a change to which you were already predisposed. Either way, I think you need to avoid nitrous at all costs and weed also. Also it may comfort you to know that posts/threads of the sort you made are extremely common here.
It's hard with these things to know for sure that it was some particular drug itself that caused the issue. It seems possible that especially dangerous drugs (in terms of paranoia and psychosis) like weed and nitrous could just trigger a change to which you were already predisposed. Either way, I think you need to avoid nitrous at all costs and weed also. Also it may comfort you to know that posts/threads of the sort you made are extremely common here.
Hardcoreprawn
Bluelighter
Hi, I'm fairly new to posting but I've been reading posts for some time. I've now realised I have become addicted to bath salts, or rather the MDPV they put in there.
To be honest I am addicted to stress relief and the confidence that stimulants bring. It took 18 months or so for me to get to the point of realising I can't enjoy life or relax without a hit.
I didn't dose during the week because I have a high pressure, academic science job but I became increasingly emotionally numb and irritable during the week, especially with my other half (and child!!!). I used to do so much on the weekend with my family but since MDPV, we stay at home watching TV while I recover. I feel so ashamed and guilt that I've neglected my child like this. No more as of now!
On the weekend, even though my other half participated, he never took as much as me and put it away. I don't believe he has this psychological need and he'd been trying to encourage me away from it in the last months but I wouldn't listen. Making excuses. I love my husband and child and looking back I'm so ashamed I've let it get to this point but I'm glad I got here before it was REALLY serious.
At the moment, I don't think anyone at work knows but if I'd continued, I am sure it would have been obvious to anyone. I'm hoping to use this site for support though the months ahead. I know that when the comedown fully subsides, I am likely to go looking for something to help "take the edge off" and I want to avoid that. I want to enjoy the little things again. Enjoy my allotment.
If I could ask advice of you guys is this. I am now on "holiday" from my job for 2 weeks. Should I tell my GP? Go on sick? Go back to work after 2 weeks? The job is a major MAJOR source of stress and Im afraid this will make my recovery more difficult but I don't know what else to do to keep me occupied? I've even wondered if I should quit mu job but what to do with money in the recession? I'm in the UK BTW.
To be honest I am addicted to stress relief and the confidence that stimulants bring. It took 18 months or so for me to get to the point of realising I can't enjoy life or relax without a hit.
I didn't dose during the week because I have a high pressure, academic science job but I became increasingly emotionally numb and irritable during the week, especially with my other half (and child!!!). I used to do so much on the weekend with my family but since MDPV, we stay at home watching TV while I recover. I feel so ashamed and guilt that I've neglected my child like this. No more as of now!
On the weekend, even though my other half participated, he never took as much as me and put it away. I don't believe he has this psychological need and he'd been trying to encourage me away from it in the last months but I wouldn't listen. Making excuses. I love my husband and child and looking back I'm so ashamed I've let it get to this point but I'm glad I got here before it was REALLY serious.
At the moment, I don't think anyone at work knows but if I'd continued, I am sure it would have been obvious to anyone. I'm hoping to use this site for support though the months ahead. I know that when the comedown fully subsides, I am likely to go looking for something to help "take the edge off" and I want to avoid that. I want to enjoy the little things again. Enjoy my allotment.
If I could ask advice of you guys is this. I am now on "holiday" from my job for 2 weeks. Should I tell my GP? Go on sick? Go back to work after 2 weeks? The job is a major MAJOR source of stress and Im afraid this will make my recovery more difficult but I don't know what else to do to keep me occupied? I've even wondered if I should quit mu job but what to do with money in the recession? I'm in the UK BTW.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Are you in counseling? That is my first thought because you are obviously so ready to make a change and you should capitalize on that right now. As far as telling your GP, that seems like it depends on whether s/he is a person that you trust has the knowledge to actually help you or simply judge you and make you feel worse about yourself (in other words harm you). Quitting your job is a decision that seems to have a lot of variables and that decision could become clearer in counseling as well.
The shame you feel has propelled you to the knowledge that you have to make a change. Make the first step towards that change and then do everything in your power to stop beating yourself up for the past use or any slip-ups along the way. You are so wise to come here to ask for support; you need that in your real-life as well. It sounds like your partner can be a great support but counseling and groups might help with your sense of isolation.
Good luck and do keep posting---that is the key to getting the most out of TDS support. People really do care, have lots of experience and can really help you through the rough patches.
(Full disclosure: addiction to MDVP precipitated my son losing his life.)
The shame you feel has propelled you to the knowledge that you have to make a change. Make the first step towards that change and then do everything in your power to stop beating yourself up for the past use or any slip-ups along the way. You are so wise to come here to ask for support; you need that in your real-life as well. It sounds like your partner can be a great support but counseling and groups might help with your sense of isolation.
Good luck and do keep posting---that is the key to getting the most out of TDS support. People really do care, have lots of experience and can really help you through the rough patches.
(Full disclosure: addiction to MDVP precipitated my son losing his life.)
Hardcoreprawn
Bluelighter
I'm definitely ready to get myself back together. I've seen a counsellor at my university and mentioned about substance abuse but it was only a first session and I didn't disclose everything. I don't know my GP as its a new one and I don't know how I feel about telling her. Although I know I have a tendency toward misuse I feel I've come to this "I need to stop" place before it got completely out of control. I don't know if I want to go to a rehab but I know I need long-term support.
In my day-to-day life, no one would understand and I would definitely be marginalised. To anyone looking in from the outside, I am a regular person, living in the suburbs, living a normal life with a good career but things couldn't be farther from the truth. I am very concerned about being open about my situation.
As uncomfortable as it was, I am so glad I opened up to my other half yesterday. He knew really and he's been very supportive. I believe I would have gotten much worse if he wasn't there for me.
I agree about not beating yourself up. I do that anyway, regardless of the drugs. I have always been my harshest critic but this has made it worse in the long run rather than better. I grew up in a neglectful, abusive single-parent home and I have no love for my family. I've always beaten myself up inside and been careful to never really let anyone in, including friends. Oddly, aside from recently, I've always been what you'd consider sociable. If only people really knew. Been with my other half for 10 years and I still struggle trusting him, letting him in at times. MDPV made that worse on that front to be point of saying nothing at all. I want to open up to him now. Counselling is to learn to like, accept myself first.
I used to think if I gained success, I'd like myself more. The successes (there have been many) never really changed how I viewed myself. So I achieved more. Still no self-love. More achievements. Bad cycle really.
On the job front, I do need the time off. I have had an incredibly stressful time with my work and I'm afraid of it ruining any progress make. On the other hand, I love science. Rock/hard place situation.
That said, there is a part of me that started to wonder I do it because I really want to or I need to do something "impressive". In perfect world, I could take 6 months to try a different career (I used to grow things; ran an allotment at my son's school and did lot of landscape ecology).
In my day-to-day life, no one would understand and I would definitely be marginalised. To anyone looking in from the outside, I am a regular person, living in the suburbs, living a normal life with a good career but things couldn't be farther from the truth. I am very concerned about being open about my situation.
As uncomfortable as it was, I am so glad I opened up to my other half yesterday. He knew really and he's been very supportive. I believe I would have gotten much worse if he wasn't there for me.
I agree about not beating yourself up. I do that anyway, regardless of the drugs. I have always been my harshest critic but this has made it worse in the long run rather than better. I grew up in a neglectful, abusive single-parent home and I have no love for my family. I've always beaten myself up inside and been careful to never really let anyone in, including friends. Oddly, aside from recently, I've always been what you'd consider sociable. If only people really knew. Been with my other half for 10 years and I still struggle trusting him, letting him in at times. MDPV made that worse on that front to be point of saying nothing at all. I want to open up to him now. Counselling is to learn to like, accept myself first.
I used to think if I gained success, I'd like myself more. The successes (there have been many) never really changed how I viewed myself. So I achieved more. Still no self-love. More achievements. Bad cycle really.
On the job front, I do need the time off. I have had an incredibly stressful time with my work and I'm afraid of it ruining any progress make. On the other hand, I love science. Rock/hard place situation.
That said, there is a part of me that started to wonder I do it because I really want to or I need to do something "impressive". In perfect world, I could take 6 months to try a different career (I used to grow things; ran an allotment at my son's school and did lot of landscape ecology).
Gnarles Bronson
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2011
- Messages
- 21
Lol. No wasn't taking them high doses. The box said something like safe for children 12 and up to take 2, so I took 3. I think I took two different brands/chems. One was unisom tho. I think it was a combination of drugs. My suspicion is that it was a combination of the nitrous and the sleeping pills.
Recovery? I don't really do anything anymore.
I mean this is definately not just a mental thing. I had been a regular drug user before that night with at least all of the drugs listed, minus the sleeping pills. And it was a drastic and marked difference that happened.
This is a physical thing as much as a mental thing. Like, my brain feels hurt, not like a headache, but like a sunburn or a big cut or a sore.
Glad to know I'm common.
(seriously). I think no one should do nitrous, fucking terrible. And I appreciate your post but I'm almost positive it was a combination of the sleeping pills and the nitrous/ but mainly the sleeping pills. I had taken nitrous before that night, and though I felt shitty, was no where near this. And like a said, I took sleeping pills one time after this, and had the same brain melting feeling I had before, except this time I hadn't done nitrous in at least a month.- Status