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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

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I truly genuinely hate myself

When I was 17 I was the fuckin man, anyone who's anyone knew who I was and respected me. I could've gotten whatever I wanted whenever and there was never a lack of people to chill with. When I spoke people listened

Then I ripped off my friends. All my friends, one by one, I robbed all of them so I could afford my pills. And slowly now I have no one. I started using drugs to be accepted and to make new friends and now it's helped me lose all of them. I used to have a bunch of money, a beautiful girlfriend, a sweet car, and a killer physique. And I gave it all up so I could get high all day

My mom donated my car after having it for 6 months, I spent all my money on pills, and the one girl who really truly meant something to me left for college while I stayed home wasting my life away. Now my reputation is the dope head scum bag which no one likes and no one can trust. I see pictures of all the people i could've been, with all the people I could've done it with, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I can honestly say I don't have one real friend in my life. I talk to some people, but my self confidence sucks and I know they can tell. I'm afraid to go out because I'm scared I'll see the people I ripped off

I'm basically a prisoner in my own house, everyones moved on and I'm the kid that peaked in high school. If there was no one I'm responsible for I'd probably have killed myself a while ago. I think of my past every day, a lot, and it just makes me more and more depressed. I've never thought about just saying fuck it and drowning myself more than I have in the past year. Even if I had the balls to do it I couldn't do that to either of my parents, so I just get to suffer. Sulking in my shit. Smoking as much as I can to try and make me temporarily forget just how much I screwed up. Keeping myself up at night cause my mind can't relax enough to sleep. Sitting here typing this for no one

I tried making amends to those who mattered, I know things can never go back to the way they were, and I can't stand feeling as if everyone's laughing at me behind my back...literally. People don't answer my calls, or call me back, or call me. I've become a cancer that no one wants a part of. And the worst part is the only people who understand are the ones who've been there

I'm not this person...I'm a loyal, happy, honest person. But heroin turns me into someone I'm not. It causes me to stop caring about people...whoever they are. I don't think...I just do. I don't care...until it's all said and done and I can step back and look at all the damage I just caused. I went to rehab at 15, 16, 17, and jail at 18. I'm almost 22 and going to community college. And despite how much I've fucked things up I can't stay off dope for more than a week. This wasnt how my life was supposed to be.

This doesnt even begin to serve justice to just how badly I fucked up and just hoe much I dislike the person I am. only reason I'm writing this is b.c I have to tell somebody, anybody what's been going on in my mind the past 3 years. I've never been 100% truthful of everything that's wrong
 
Hi ax, many of us here can relate to your story. I'm sorry you got sucked in as well.

Have you considered getting into treatment? This has worked for many folks who truly wanted to put the shit down for good. For me, it allowed me a safe place to be away from the shit but, when I was discharged, I had to make a lot of changes and feel some things. It was well worth it, though

Welcome to TDS and I hope to see you around, man!
 
Im isabella. Im 19. Ive been addicted to opiates since i was 14. I was the only one of my friends who did anything other then drink and smoke weed. While everybody else developed and grew into young adults i was just spending all my time somewhere else. I stole from my mom, family, peoples houses, friends. I also have borderline personality disorder and bad anxiety and anger problems. I feel disconnected from everything. I have no friends. because of the way i am (addiction/psychological) i don't have the ability to connect with people. I avoid reality and spend most of my time inside dreams. the most important things to seem to be drugs and finding a boy who will put up with me. at 19, almost 20 i have the mindset of a child.Im not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing.

Hi.
 
Hi Isabella, welcome to The Dark Side <3
Sorry to hear you've had a rough time over the years. Do you foresee things changing any time soon? What brought you here? Were you perhaps researching something and stumbled across our humble community?
Either way, we are happy to have you here :)
 
I just stumbled upon it when searching questions i had about the drugs i was doing.

I don't see things changing very much. I can't stand everybody around me. i can just be a very nasty and spiteful person unless I'm on something. or if I'm in a relationship. i just started college and feel overwhelmed and apathetic at the same time.
 
What are you studying in college hun? Is your college away from your hometown, or wherever you were living in high school?
I totally know what you mean about being overwhelmed and apathetic at the same time. I was feeling exactly like that earlier this year. Now I'm back on anti-depressants and feeling a lot better about everything, and getting my uni work done as well.
Being at college could be an excellent opportunity to make some changes in your life. But hey, you have to decide to do that on your own, you have to be ready to change.
In the meantime, there are plenty of people right here in The Dark Side to chat with :)
 
no its in the twin cities. And my friend attends it with me. right now I'm just doing generals stuff. I do photography and stuff in my spare time and want to do music journalism and write short stories but i have a hard time with writing and doing art right now.
 
Kooter here. Just your friendly neighborhood junky who fucked up there life. Wow, I mean I fucked my life and everyone's life that touched mine. Heroin is my main vice and I am still fighting that one. I finally got stuck on this destructive shit after doing all the other shit. I wouldn't say I stopped doing those drugs on my own, because I just traded one addiction for another. I am currently seeking inpatient rehab because not only do I need it, but the courts say I need it too. I was clean for a few months and just relapsed, I really hope I don't use tomorrow. Anyways, i will share more later.
 
Hi, Kooter... you're in the right place, man. <3
What obstacles are you coming across in finding inpatient treatment? I hope it all comes together for ya

I look forward to seeing more of you around %)
 
I'm trying to find one that will basically take me, I already screwed up and left 2, so now I basically have to get into one in a week or it's back to jail. I should have just dealt with the behavior modification and the long ass black out. I now know that I need rehab badly since I still went and used. Since I got no money I do not have a lot of choices, but I for some reason I am still being picky. Hopefully I can get into one before my PO violates me. I need to do it. That's the bottom line. I like to say I know what to do, it's just doing it is the hard part. Thanks for the support.
 
I hear ya. You sound like me... you probably are good at giving advice to others but suck at following your own :\.
I wish I had info on how California does its pre- treatment processes but all I know is how they do on the East Coast.
You can browse through the 'Treatment Options' link in my signature. There may be a goodie of some sort in that thread.
 
Hey all,

I'm not new to BL, but totally new to the Dark Side (forum wise). I'm 21, and have been addicted to doing drugs for the past five years of my life, mostly opiates, but anything and everything I can get my hands on. I just got out of a bad relationship and recently relapsed hardcore when I was so close to weening myself off my habit. I wanna get back on my feet and hopefully help others in the same situation as I am. And I hope by hanging around in this forum that I can accomplish that! Bless you all and goodnight.
 
Hi littlecrow, welcome to The Dark Side <3
I sincerely wish you all the best in overcoming your addiction, and I look forward to seeing more from you around TDS! :)
 
Hi,

Been finding my way on here more and more lately, so figured I'd sign up. I might even say something useful once in a while.

I'm a unemployed drifting tea-quaffing englishman, 30, think too much for my own good. I see some like minded people here so I hope I can add something. :)
 
ax1989 said:
I tried making amends to those who mattered, I know things can never go back to the way they were, and I can't stand feeling as if everyone's laughing at me behind my back...literally. People don't answer my calls, or call me back, or call me. I've become a cancer that no one wants a part of. And the worst part is the only people who understand are the ones who've been there

I'm not this person...I'm a loyal, happy, honest person. But heroin turns me into someone I'm not. It causes me to stop caring about people...whoever they are. I don't think...I just do. I don't care...until it's all said and done and I can step back and look at all the damage I just caused. I went to rehab at 15, 16, 17, and jail at 18. I'm almost 22 and going to community college. And despite how much I've fucked things up I can't stay off dope for more than a week. This wasnt how my life was supposed to be.

This doesnt even begin to serve justice to just how badly I fucked up and just hoe much I dislike the person I am. only reason I'm writing this is b.c I have to tell somebody, anybody what's been going on in my mind the past 3 years. I've never been 100% truthful of everything that's wrong
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

No matter how badly you fucked up or how terrible addiction has caused you to act (and feel!) you are still the person you have always been. Don't worry about the people that don't understand because they haven't been there; surround yourself with people that accept where you are and can help you get where you want to go. You are being honest about yourself and that says so much about your integrity and your strength. Are there any meditation centers near you that have addiction classes? The buddhist way can be a great alternative or complement to traditional 12 step treatment. Be gentle with yourself and don't give up.
 
Sheffsam said:
Hi,

Been finding my way on here more and more lately, so figured I'd sign up. I might even say something useful once in a while.

I'm a unemployed drifting tea-quaffing englishman, 30, think too much for my own good. I see some like minded people here so I hope I can add something. :)
Click to expand...

Hi Sheffsam! Hope to see you around.

Its funny, when i joined I was in a lot of pain and I thought I was a unique individual. As I started to grow, I was amazed at how compassionate people were. I soon became less self-centered and more 'like minded'. I think its neat that you are already familiar with some of the various personalities to be found here.

All-in-all, yeah... we're a pretty decent bunch %)

I look forward to reading your contributions!
 
herbavore said:
No matter how badly you fucked up or how terrible addiction has caused you to act (and feel!) you are still the person you have always been. Don't worry about the people that don't understand because they haven't been there; surround yourself with people that accept where you are and can help you get where you want to go. You are being honest about yourself and that says so much about your integrity and your strength. Are there any meditation centers near you that have addiction classes? The buddhist way can be a great alternative or complement to traditional 12 step treatment. Be gentle with yourself and don't give up.
Click to expand...

Excellent 2nd TDS post, herbavore!

We can always use such positivity here in TDS! <3
 
I'm severely e and I've had manic depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 5 years old or so.

I've used just about everything at one point or another now I mainly just smoke weed and drink. Try to stay healthy but nothing ever helps the depression
 
Hi I'm Susie. I searched for help on the local Danish site, and a kind soul directed me here. I'm 37 years old, well educated and should be pretty smart. But for the last 5 years I've been addicted to Tramadol - lot's of Tramadol. Up to 24 tablets a day. That made me take som serious stupid decisions and actually made me a criminel. 5 days ago I just couldn't deal with it any longer. So I came clean and told my family and friends everything. That I'm an addict and that I've done crimes. I thought they would hate me. But instead, people are helping. There was no blame - just sorrow and kindness. So right now I'm on a heavy withdrawel. Started with 24 tablets, then 20, then 16, then 9, then 6 and now 3. I love the fact that I can see and think clearly again. That I can actually feel. Even though it hurts to think about what I've done, I still like it better than the constant blur I was living in until now. I feel surprisingly well. A small temperature and a bit shaky, but apart from that no physical problems yet. I know they'll come in a few days though. But I'm ready for it. I hope to get off easy, with a week of "flue" symptoms. I have made an appointment with a doctor to go to hypnosis therapy afterwards, if it get's to hard not to think about tramadol. But I hope it won't be necessary.

But I know that I'm lucky. I have future plans that I can hardly wait to start. And there's absolutely no way I can manage that on tramadol. I have always been very energetic and happy, but the last two years, I have been so lazy that I couldn't even go for a walk. And I can feel that's changing as "we speak". The energy is returning (some of it is of course due to the restlessness I feel from not getting high). But all in all, I'm in a very good mood. Better than I've been for ages. So I'm sure I'll be "myself" again within a short time.

About the crimes - I contacted the police and made an appointment. Told them I want to confess to it all and get it overwith. They were very kind and told me not to panic. Even though it seems like a huge deal to me, it's a really small matter to them. So I probably won't even have to go to jail. However, that's what I'll apply for. (a Danish open jail is kind of like camp - and if I get 6 month I won't have to stay longer than 4 tops. And then it's all over at once)

So thats me... Thanks for listening :-)
 
hi Susie, thanks for sharing that with us. You sound like an extremely strong woman and I admire your determination. There is a lot of info here regarding 'minimizing' withdrawal.

Glad to have you here! <3
 
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