Yep - you are not alone.
HR agencis have begun to use forms of 'deprogramming' in which a user will sit there and cook up a (fake) fix and stop just before actually injecting anything. Apparently it works quite well. Because as I'm sure you know, we know only a tiny proportion of people who are clients ever detox from opioids. But we hand out free foil, lighters and booklets on how to smoke (vape) heroin or as no user EVER termed it 'chasing the dragon'. NEVER heard that term used.
So tiny steps. Don't think 'I will stop' but maybe think 'I will at least give smoking H a try'. The reason being that when smoked by an expert, the bioavailability is well above 90% and I've known people who really have turned smoking H into an art form. I mean really impressive to watch.
Of course, you can't QUITE match IV for the rush which is why I mentioned Palfium (dextromoramide) being used to treat IV opioid users. Orally dextromoramide produces a rush everyone tells me is more or less identical to IV heroin. Of course, it IS supervised because a sure as eggs are eggs, if given a pill to take up, people will be compelled to at least trying to whack it up... which despite the claims of Janssen, actually makes the stuff x5 more potent i.e. x15 more potent than morphine. So Even just 2 pills consumed in that manner could result in an OD.
You have always struck me as a smart person and all I can do is to try to give you the best information I have. You know, don't use alone, have naloxone handy and if it all goes BADLY wrong - call 999 or whatever it is in your nation. Because having done it, paramadics would like to know how much of what someone has taken BUT they won't ask you if you took anything. They don't tell the police but if you are paranoid, stash whatever somewhere off your own property.
We aren't here to put you down - we are here to make sure you are here for a long, long time.