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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
Inside the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
- Thread starter ashstorm
- Start date
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
nope, only used during University. Codeine was mostly used to deal with anger issues and to lower libido. I couldn't stand some teachers, I feared I might get into physical violence. Codeine made me calm and able to put up with their intolerable presence.
pofacedhoe
Bluelight Crew
haha opiates have helped me through intolerable but necessary situations too. i dont think they are that enjoyable (like alcohol is) to be fair but they are good at dampening down emotional overload and making tiredness bearable.
^ one of the posters above mentioned that borderlines dont like fake shit.
two of my friends with bpd have both tried to attack people when they were drunk because the person lied over something trivial. in one the guy said he was police, she said i hate police, then he said i'm only joking and then she went nuts and tried to strangle him for lying (i wasn't there at the time). that guy turned out to be a massive bellend later though.
for all their bad behaviour i love em to bits cos they have good hearts
CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
I was told I had BPD in a moment of truthful hatred by my first ex-girlfriend. I then researched it and agreed with her. Then I tried killing myself months later for basically allowing that moment to spawn new thoughts and feelings which evolved into a downward spiral that grew into that climactic moment.
Then in the inpatient wing of the hospital they took me to I started learning (though therapy and observation) that these personality disorders are basically derived from your environment which failed to give you the necessary coping skills necessary to get through a life. When we're dealing with a person with no physiological/cognitive problems, but lots of psychological problems, simple techniques (such as not acting on one's emotions until you allow them to pass, then reconsidering the approach, then acting) can be used to combat a volatile series of emotions and problems. I don't subscribed to any one psychological label any more. Yes I do have mood swings still, and things can trigger anger, or depression in a way disproportionate to the reality of the situation, but I have worked on several things to try and get through them and carry on. Choosing not to identify as a person with BPD is one of them. Recognizing the limits of modern psychiatry, and respecting the ability of my own brain and mind to heal itself, and knowing when I could use some help from a therapist are others.
Since I've made my strides, several more of my friends in real life have (successfully) killed themselves. One of which I believe could've been described as BPD, and that never helps my own struggle. But falling into self-identified victim-hood is something that I never want to experience again.
Then in the inpatient wing of the hospital they took me to I started learning (though therapy and observation) that these personality disorders are basically derived from your environment which failed to give you the necessary coping skills necessary to get through a life. When we're dealing with a person with no physiological/cognitive problems, but lots of psychological problems, simple techniques (such as not acting on one's emotions until you allow them to pass, then reconsidering the approach, then acting) can be used to combat a volatile series of emotions and problems. I don't subscribed to any one psychological label any more. Yes I do have mood swings still, and things can trigger anger, or depression in a way disproportionate to the reality of the situation, but I have worked on several things to try and get through them and carry on. Choosing not to identify as a person with BPD is one of them. Recognizing the limits of modern psychiatry, and respecting the ability of my own brain and mind to heal itself, and knowing when I could use some help from a therapist are others.
Since I've made my strides, several more of my friends in real life have (successfully) killed themselves. One of which I believe could've been described as BPD, and that never helps my own struggle. But falling into self-identified victim-hood is something that I never want to experience again.
ashstorm
Bluelighter
This is my first time on bluelight in around 18 months and I had actually forgotten that I had written this thread.
l started reading this thread and thought this seemed familiar.
My life is very different these days, I'm holding down a fulltime job, I've been there for 2 years in may.
Mostly stay far away from drugs other than the odd night a couple of times a year.
In a healthy relationship with a wonderful supportive guy, and yet I'm still plauged by This demon.
l still doubt my every decision. Still am riding this rollercoaster of rapidly changing emoitions.
But I'm making life work.
.Music is powerful stuff.
l actually have to limit my listening to some types of music because it amps me up too much.
l started reading this thread and thought this seemed familiar.
My life is very different these days, I'm holding down a fulltime job, I've been there for 2 years in may.
Mostly stay far away from drugs other than the odd night a couple of times a year.
In a healthy relationship with a wonderful supportive guy, and yet I'm still plauged by This demon.
l still doubt my every decision. Still am riding this rollercoaster of rapidly changing emoitions.
But I'm making life work.
.Music is powerful stuff.
l actually have to limit my listening to some types of music because it amps me up too much.
spork
Bluelight Crew
Learning to cope with this takes time and practice. It sounds like you're doing quite well. Be patient and continue what you've been doing and things will improve for you even more. 
I have just been diagnosed with BPD by my psychiatrist. After a very extended search of "what the hell is wrong with my daughter" by my dad. All of my life I have been labeled as cold, evil, selfish, heartless, weird, and etc. After taking a long overview at my life from early childhood I can say that yes splitting has played a major role. and to be frank with you, once I've splitted you from awesome to gag me I do not give a shit if you're feelings are hurt or not. but I can say that I have met the love of my life and splitting has played a very minimal role with him. it's happened before but he's guided me through it and I love him too much to write him off. this goes to say, he/she probably doesn't give a shit anymore and have already gotten bored and made there mind up, BUT it doesn't end with them. If someone is meant for you, BPD or not, love will intervene and win. best of luck, I hope this helped.
I have had three serious relationships in my life, all of which failed. All of whom, however remain close. There is a likeability about us. After suffering from depression, addiction, anxiety, codependency, instability in various arenas and eventual isolation, I began cutting myself. I'm 35 years-old and it's what I did to "release emotional pain" ... The feeling of loss. I did that two weeks ago.
I have two sons, I am a coach, have a good immediate stable close family, have a college degree, have achieved career success and conquered dreams. .... I have also chased off anyone who has ever loved me, fed on depression and suffering, ruined professions, been in jail, self-sabatoged, thought about suicide, developed unhealthy habits and become a complete obsessive, addict to anything that temporarily distracts or numbs.
A good friend said enough was enough and took me to the ER, shortly after I was admitted to a psych facility. MDD is what showed on the chart after four days. But I have been researching this ever since. I have BPD, hands down. I have my first therapy and psych appt set in two weeks and I am going to bring it up. I am prescribed Ativan, Zoloft and vistaril for now. However, I have tried all sorts of medication prior to my visit for depression and anxiety through friends, and I have found klonopin and Vyvanse have worked the best for me, as far as stabilizing emotions and moods. Klonopin relaxes me during anxiety and Vyvanse seems to suppress depression enough to keep me productive and responsible, and more importantly, keeping me less focused on emotional impact. Which is a good thing for me now. BPD folks are too in tune with our emotions and others', and the result can be devastating.
I feel relief that I am going to finally feel "normal" at times and have more self-control through DBT and therapy. However, it just hit me last night that I have a mental illness - something that echoes in my ear from ex girlfriends and from my ex wife years earlier. It's a realization that is both humbling and a disappointment. I always thought I was a regular guy, a little artsy, secretly risky, a little drama-filled and passionate, but mental illness? No way. I thought the anxiety, stress, depression, sadness, fear of abandonment, instability financially and unstable romantic relationships were just normal. It's not. And I must work hard if I am going to overcome this to the point where it does not hamper my life and others around me any longer.
Best of luck everyone
I have two sons, I am a coach, have a good immediate stable close family, have a college degree, have achieved career success and conquered dreams. .... I have also chased off anyone who has ever loved me, fed on depression and suffering, ruined professions, been in jail, self-sabatoged, thought about suicide, developed unhealthy habits and become a complete obsessive, addict to anything that temporarily distracts or numbs.
A good friend said enough was enough and took me to the ER, shortly after I was admitted to a psych facility. MDD is what showed on the chart after four days. But I have been researching this ever since. I have BPD, hands down. I have my first therapy and psych appt set in two weeks and I am going to bring it up. I am prescribed Ativan, Zoloft and vistaril for now. However, I have tried all sorts of medication prior to my visit for depression and anxiety through friends, and I have found klonopin and Vyvanse have worked the best for me, as far as stabilizing emotions and moods. Klonopin relaxes me during anxiety and Vyvanse seems to suppress depression enough to keep me productive and responsible, and more importantly, keeping me less focused on emotional impact. Which is a good thing for me now. BPD folks are too in tune with our emotions and others', and the result can be devastating.
I feel relief that I am going to finally feel "normal" at times and have more self-control through DBT and therapy. However, it just hit me last night that I have a mental illness - something that echoes in my ear from ex girlfriends and from my ex wife years earlier. It's a realization that is both humbling and a disappointment. I always thought I was a regular guy, a little artsy, secretly risky, a little drama-filled and passionate, but mental illness? No way. I thought the anxiety, stress, depression, sadness, fear of abandonment, instability financially and unstable romantic relationships were just normal. It's not. And I must work hard if I am going to overcome this to the point where it does not hamper my life and others around me any longer.
Best of luck everyone
socko
Bluelighter
I agree. They are fubar. I had gfs in college that were broken. I didn't realize it at the time. Crazy isn't like having a bad trip. You can't talk down a crazy person.
What's with the blackout rage that bpds indulge in? Xgf would go apeshit over the slightest thing, and often it was imagined. For example she would flip out if I stacked the dishes in the wrong part of the cupboard. Sometimes she would even break them, all the while shrieking the foulest words and insults at the top of her lungs, rather than see me stack them in a way she didn't like... Other times, she flew into a rage because she "had a dream" that I cheated on her. she ended up in jail and a mental hospital for her behavior, yet she never even apologized or expressed the slightest sign of remorse. She lacked self-awareness, and was never willing or able to reflect on her behaviour. I believe at these times she was more a viscous beast than she was a thinking human being. She also happened to be a condom saboteuse. I went through hell trying to deal with her because I loved her and I didn't realize she had a personality disorder, but in the end, she was un-fixable because she wasn't willing to acknowledge her behaviour.
What's with the blackout rage that bpds indulge in? Xgf would go apeshit over the slightest thing, and often it was imagined. For example she would flip out if I stacked the dishes in the wrong part of the cupboard. Sometimes she would even break them, all the while shrieking the foulest words and insults at the top of her lungs, rather than see me stack them in a way she didn't like... Other times, she flew into a rage because she "had a dream" that I cheated on her. she ended up in jail and a mental hospital for her behavior, yet she never even apologized or expressed the slightest sign of remorse. She lacked self-awareness, and was never willing or able to reflect on her behaviour. I believe at these times she was more a viscous beast than she was a thinking human being. She also happened to be a condom saboteuse. I went through hell trying to deal with her because I loved her and I didn't realize she had a personality disorder, but in the end, she was un-fixable because she wasn't willing to acknowledge her behaviour.
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SmokingAces
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2014
- Messages
- 2,301
You sir, are a dickhead.
Kind_Bud
Greenlighter
"Was it you, a friend or a mental health professional that came to the conclusion that you have BPD"
My psych..
"To what extent do you experience splitting?"
I'm either violent or nonviolent and there's a very thin line that separates the two..
"How do you cope with the rages/dysphoria/fear of abandonment in both romantic situations and within other aspects of life."
The rage goes away within minutes of the split, it's gone almost as fast as it arrived..
I didn't know what Dysphoria was until now and it helps me to understand my bi-curious personality but that's only when I smoke coke or meth and i don't mess with meth anymore..
This is epic for me because I have been 100% ladies man all my life and couldn't understand why i as thinking that way, it's not just the drugs, it's a combination of the BPD and drugs..
"Self sabotage and Self Harm? What have you done in the past, and what are you doing to break this cycle.'
I'm no threat to myself, only other people..
Psychiatric treatment - Med combinations/Therapy - What's worked and what hasn't?
Welbutrin/Bupropion in the morning and Remeron/Mirtazipine at night..
My psych referred me to an 8 week Anger Mgmt Class so i will try it and see if it helps me to the psycho locked up..
'Interpersonal relationships?"
None, i stay by myself and just go out for the occasional date now and then..
Hit the gym twice daily and some people try to make conversation with me but i just shut the conversation down..
My psych..
"To what extent do you experience splitting?"
I'm either violent or nonviolent and there's a very thin line that separates the two..
"How do you cope with the rages/dysphoria/fear of abandonment in both romantic situations and within other aspects of life."
The rage goes away within minutes of the split, it's gone almost as fast as it arrived..
I didn't know what Dysphoria was until now and it helps me to understand my bi-curious personality but that's only when I smoke coke or meth and i don't mess with meth anymore..
This is epic for me because I have been 100% ladies man all my life and couldn't understand why i as thinking that way, it's not just the drugs, it's a combination of the BPD and drugs..
"Self sabotage and Self Harm? What have you done in the past, and what are you doing to break this cycle.'
I'm no threat to myself, only other people..
Psychiatric treatment - Med combinations/Therapy - What's worked and what hasn't?
Welbutrin/Bupropion in the morning and Remeron/Mirtazipine at night..
My psych referred me to an 8 week Anger Mgmt Class so i will try it and see if it helps me to the psycho locked up..
'Interpersonal relationships?"
None, i stay by myself and just go out for the occasional date now and then..
Hit the gym twice daily and some people try to make conversation with me but i just shut the conversation down..
JackiePeyton
Ex-Bluelighter
I was diagnosed with this, but feel much better now
Pretty_Diamonds
Bluelight Crew
Maybe you could suggest couples therapy so you both go together. Tell her it's what you really need in the relationship to get some tips on how to deal with the anger and fights. Make sure the therapist knows they are dealing with BPD.
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
I think I
May have this but then I don't know if I'm imagining it. I can switch in moods from calm to anger within minutes n bavk again. I also get overly attached to things n people to the point losing them can literally be like life or death. I've had two relationships both dysfunctional. The first i was controlling. The second he was emtionally abusive we were volitile n I'd send him heaps of angry texts all hours of the morning over things that would suddenly bother me. I'm fearful of being out of control or of anyone controlling me, fearful of change / loss n have driven practically all my friends away. I have like zillions of intense emotions throughout the day; in the morning I could be crying im the afternoon I could be laughing like nowt has happened.
I will do things like spend even though in debt n consrantly feel emptiness / botedom that I try filling with either spending, addictions, people etc. My mam used to say if someone looked at me the wrong way I'd be funny with it n my Dad said I can change moods extremely quickly if they say something that's upset me.
I may just be imagining all of this n not have BPD n could just be over-analysing but the more stuff I read sounds similar to me.
Evey
May have this but then I don't know if I'm imagining it. I can switch in moods from calm to anger within minutes n bavk again. I also get overly attached to things n people to the point losing them can literally be like life or death. I've had two relationships both dysfunctional. The first i was controlling. The second he was emtionally abusive we were volitile n I'd send him heaps of angry texts all hours of the morning over things that would suddenly bother me. I'm fearful of being out of control or of anyone controlling me, fearful of change / loss n have driven practically all my friends away. I have like zillions of intense emotions throughout the day; in the morning I could be crying im the afternoon I could be laughing like nowt has happened.
I will do things like spend even though in debt n consrantly feel emptiness / botedom that I try filling with either spending, addictions, people etc. My mam used to say if someone looked at me the wrong way I'd be funny with it n my Dad said I can change moods extremely quickly if they say something that's upset me.
I may just be imagining all of this n not have BPD n could just be over-analysing but the more stuff I read sounds similar to me.
Evey
I wouldn't get too worried.. a lot of these psychological conditions are over-blown concepts to help keep psychologists and psychiatrists in business. If you don't fit into some prescribed box of "normality" your broken or malfunctioning. It's like diagnosing physical conditions using the internet.. everything points you to having super-aids with five types of ebola, when actually everything is OK and it's just an ache.
Pretty_Diamonds
Bluelight Crew
You should see a psychologist. You may or may not meet the criteria and it's your choice to try out medication if you do.
If you do feel out of control emotionally and maybe even a little scared, you should see a psychologist, even just to talk and get strategies to help better control things/understand them better.
That being said, I think everyone could benefit from talking with a psychologist.
socko
Bluelighter
Most people don't experience constant daily extremes of intense emotions. I imagine that must be hard for you do deal with. It could mean something is wrong. A psychologist could help you cope with the daily emotional roller coaster. They could also help figure out whats causing it.
Mr Crowley
Bluelighter
hey thanks for the advice man.
I've never been able to have relationships with people and I guess I shouldn't anyway because its not worth it hey.