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Inside the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Ksa said:
Who first realized I may have BPD

Myself. No one else on Earth knew about it. First of all it was an easy, soft form, maybe because I didn't give it a chance to evolve. I caught it early like you say. My red flag was that I experienced intense anger while dreaming at night towards kind persons I never met before. The sensation felt like I had taken an anger pill. I was angry...at anything, for illogical reasons. At some point the person in my dream asked me if I wanted coffee, and for some reason that pissed me off so much I hit the person in the head with a pair of steel nunchuks (this is a dream guys relax lol). This was definite proof that the world around me had nothing to do with what I experienced.

Splitting

It is a feeling like no other so I recognize it very easily. I was able to refuel it completely every time. Usually, at first, doing a long series of push-ups refreshed the blood in my brain and greatly helped.

Fears/rages/dysphoria

Fear of failure mostly. Everything else I was able to refuel.


Self harm

Wasn't that bad.

Medication

Meditation obliterated BPD completely, maybe I had a mild form so someone with a severe form might have to work harder but it's gone. I dealt with splittings very harshly, with 4-8 mg of instant release nicotine to target the amygdala seconds after symptoms occurred, followed by 90mg codeine with caffeine and DXM. After years of meditation, nicotine/codeine use and other things, it's completely gone. During a crisis/mini-crisis, that region is stimulated, and for some odd reason, you want to keep stimulating it despite the negative effects. It's like 90% of it was pain and 10% was pleasure, something similar to the discomfort of being tickled. Very very odd. I somehow knew it was a bad idea to just go into it and it's probably one of the factors why it's gone today. Don't go into it. It's a dark alley. There's nothing there for you to see.

The emotional center especially the amygdala is in my opinion weak and easy to de-sensitize. Very vulnerable to chemical attacks, just requires to find the right chemical. Codeine/Nicotine for me obliterated it. When I was entering that state, chewing 4mg nicotine really fast/impulsively got me dizzy and completely/irreversibly pulled me out every single time. During meditation I could feel the exact location from where the un-ease/anger sensation came, it's around the amygdala in the brain. Today, as I meditate, I feel that region completely burned out, I can focus on it for hours and not produce even 5% of the anger sensation. I can focus on nucleus accumbens and produce something similar to sexual pleasure but not the BPD anger sensation. It's gone.
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are you still on opiates/nicotine?
 
pofacedhoe said:
are you still on opiates/nicotine?
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nope, only used during University. Codeine was mostly used to deal with anger issues and to lower libido. I couldn't stand some teachers, I feared I might get into physical violence. Codeine made me calm and able to put up with their intolerable presence.
 
Ksa said:
nope, only used during University. Codeine was mostly used to deal with anger issues and to lower libido. I couldn't stand some teachers, I feared I might get into physical violence. Codeine made me calm and able to put up with their intolerable presence.
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haha opiates have helped me through intolerable but necessary situations too. i dont think they are that enjoyable (like alcohol is) to be fair but they are good at dampening down emotional overload and making tiredness bearable.

^ one of the posters above mentioned that borderlines dont like fake shit.

two of my friends with bpd have both tried to attack people when they were drunk because the person lied over something trivial. in one the guy said he was police, she said i hate police, then he said i'm only joking and then she went nuts and tried to strangle him for lying (i wasn't there at the time). that guy turned out to be a massive bellend later though.

for all their bad behaviour i love em to bits cos they have good hearts
 
I was told I had BPD in a moment of truthful hatred by my first ex-girlfriend. I then researched it and agreed with her. Then I tried killing myself months later for basically allowing that moment to spawn new thoughts and feelings which evolved into a downward spiral that grew into that climactic moment.

Then in the inpatient wing of the hospital they took me to I started learning (though therapy and observation) that these personality disorders are basically derived from your environment which failed to give you the necessary coping skills necessary to get through a life. When we're dealing with a person with no physiological/cognitive problems, but lots of psychological problems, simple techniques (such as not acting on one's emotions until you allow them to pass, then reconsidering the approach, then acting) can be used to combat a volatile series of emotions and problems. I don't subscribed to any one psychological label any more. Yes I do have mood swings still, and things can trigger anger, or depression in a way disproportionate to the reality of the situation, but I have worked on several things to try and get through them and carry on. Choosing not to identify as a person with BPD is one of them. Recognizing the limits of modern psychiatry, and respecting the ability of my own brain and mind to heal itself, and knowing when I could use some help from a therapist are others.

Since I've made my strides, several more of my friends in real life have (successfully) killed themselves. One of which I believe could've been described as BPD, and that never helps my own struggle. But falling into self-identified victim-hood is something that I never want to experience again.
 
This is my first time on bluelight in around 18 months and I had actually forgotten that I had written this thread.

l started reading this thread and thought this seemed familiar.


My life is very different these days, I'm holding down a fulltime job, I've been there for 2 years in may.

Mostly stay far away from drugs other than the odd night a couple of times a year.

In a healthy relationship with a wonderful supportive guy, and yet I'm still plauged by This demon.

l still doubt my every decision. Still am riding this rollercoaster of rapidly changing emoitions.

But I'm making life work.

vu2drew said:
Wow, I can totally relate to the music/identity question. I have over 86 different playlists arranged by genre/mood so that I can play something that speaks to me at any time.

I've always had a hard time answering that question "what kind of music do you like" because I find various examples of songs in any genre that totally speak to me and never get old - I am forever loyal to these songs - but others in the same genre, sometimes by the same artist, I have no interest in. Not knowing I had BPD before, I never considered that this was an expression of my own unusually extreme emotions. What I did notice was it was very healing to have something outside my head that matched the emotion inside of me.

The funniest is when I have a playlist of random genres - like chorale music followed by hard rap followed by electronica - that all match and balance my mood perfectly, but someone outside hears me playing it and can't make sense of how they go together. It's almost like maybe I use music - and the chemical states it creates or stabilizes in me - as a kind of drug.

This is actually something I like about myself. I know music very well as a result of this.
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.Music is powerful stuff.

l actually have to limit my listening to some types of music because it amps me up too much.
 
Learning to cope with this takes time and practice. It sounds like you're doing quite well. Be patient and continue what you've been doing and things will improve for you even more. <3 :)
 
I have just been diagnosed with BPD by my psychiatrist. After a very extended search of "what the hell is wrong with my daughter" by my dad. All of my life I have been labeled as cold, evil, selfish, heartless, weird, and etc. After taking a long overview at my life from early childhood I can say that yes splitting has played a major role. and to be frank with you, once I've splitted you from awesome to gag me I do not give a shit if you're feelings are hurt or not. but I can say that I have met the love of my life and splitting has played a very minimal role with him. it's happened before but he's guided me through it and I love him too much to write him off. this goes to say, he/she probably doesn't give a shit anymore and have already gotten bored and made there mind up, BUT it doesn't end with them. If someone is meant for you, BPD or not, love will intervene and win. best of luck, I hope this helped.
 
My tip for relationships with borderlines: give up.

They're broken, you're not gonna save them. Accept. Move on.
 
I have had three serious relationships in my life, all of which failed. All of whom, however remain close. There is a likeability about us. After suffering from depression, addiction, anxiety, codependency, instability in various arenas and eventual isolation, I began cutting myself. I'm 35 years-old and it's what I did to "release emotional pain" ... The feeling of loss. I did that two weeks ago.

I have two sons, I am a coach, have a good immediate stable close family, have a college degree, have achieved career success and conquered dreams. .... I have also chased off anyone who has ever loved me, fed on depression and suffering, ruined professions, been in jail, self-sabatoged, thought about suicide, developed unhealthy habits and become a complete obsessive, addict to anything that temporarily distracts or numbs.

A good friend said enough was enough and took me to the ER, shortly after I was admitted to a psych facility. MDD is what showed on the chart after four days. But I have been researching this ever since. I have BPD, hands down. I have my first therapy and psych appt set in two weeks and I am going to bring it up. I am prescribed Ativan, Zoloft and vistaril for now. However, I have tried all sorts of medication prior to my visit for depression and anxiety through friends, and I have found klonopin and Vyvanse have worked the best for me, as far as stabilizing emotions and moods. Klonopin relaxes me during anxiety and Vyvanse seems to suppress depression enough to keep me productive and responsible, and more importantly, keeping me less focused on emotional impact. Which is a good thing for me now. BPD folks are too in tune with our emotions and others', and the result can be devastating.

I feel relief that I am going to finally feel "normal" at times and have more self-control through DBT and therapy. However, it just hit me last night that I have a mental illness - something that echoes in my ear from ex girlfriends and from my ex wife years earlier. It's a realization that is both humbling and a disappointment. I always thought I was a regular guy, a little artsy, secretly risky, a little drama-filled and passionate, but mental illness? No way. I thought the anxiety, stress, depression, sadness, fear of abandonment, instability financially and unstable romantic relationships were just normal. It's not. And I must work hard if I am going to overcome this to the point where it does not hamper my life and others around me any longer.

Best of luck everyone
 
I agree. They are fubar. I had gfs in college that were broken. I didn't realize it at the time. Crazy isn't like having a bad trip. You can't talk down a crazy person.

What's with the blackout rage that bpds indulge in? Xgf would go apeshit over the slightest thing, and often it was imagined. For example she would flip out if I stacked the dishes in the wrong part of the cupboard. Sometimes she would even break them, all the while shrieking the foulest words and insults at the top of her lungs, rather than see me stack them in a way she didn't like... Other times, she flew into a rage because she "had a dream" that I cheated on her. she ended up in jail and a mental hospital for her behavior, yet she never even apologized or expressed the slightest sign of remorse. She lacked self-awareness, and was never willing or able to reflect on her behaviour. I believe at these times she was more a viscous beast than she was a thinking human being. She also happened to be a condom saboteuse. I went through hell trying to deal with her because I loved her and I didn't realize she had a personality disorder, but in the end, she was un-fixable because she wasn't willing to acknowledge her behaviour.
Aederine said:
My tip for relationships with borderlines: give up.

They're broken, you're not gonna save them. Accept. Move on.
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Last edited:
"Was it you, a friend or a mental health professional that came to the conclusion that you have BPD"
My psych..

"To what extent do you experience splitting?"
I'm either violent or nonviolent and there's a very thin line that separates the two..

"How do you cope with the rages/dysphoria/fear of abandonment in both romantic situations and within other aspects of life."
The rage goes away within minutes of the split, it's gone almost as fast as it arrived..
I didn't know what Dysphoria was until now and it helps me to understand my bi-curious personality but that's only when I smoke coke or meth and i don't mess with meth anymore..
This is epic for me because I have been 100% ladies man all my life and couldn't understand why i as thinking that way, it's not just the drugs, it's a combination of the BPD and drugs..

"Self sabotage and Self Harm? What have you done in the past, and what are you doing to break this cycle.'
I'm no threat to myself, only other people..

Psychiatric treatment - Med combinations/Therapy - What's worked and what hasn't?
Welbutrin/Bupropion in the morning and Remeron/Mirtazipine at night..
My psych referred me to an 8 week Anger Mgmt Class so i will try it and see if it helps me to the psycho locked up..

'Interpersonal relationships?"
None, i stay by myself and just go out for the occasional date now and then..
Hit the gym twice daily and some people try to make conversation with me but i just shut the conversation down..
 
I don't really experience rage. It was the only symptom I found not relatable
 
pokepoke420 said:
The first part of the thread made me cry. My gf has BPD, and I was the one who actually diagnosed her. We talked about it, and she finally agreed to see someone, and they made the final diagnosis. 6 years together, and we are all grown up now. I'm 24, she's 22. It doesn't get any easier, and patience is all I can practice. Does anyone have advice as to how I can deal with the rage and the anger? It's so tough, but I remain on her side. I truly feel like she met me for a reason, and I love her more than life, but it really does wear me down sometimes. She refuses to see a therapist, she refuses anything help oriented. She claims nothing is wrong, and I just don't even know what to do.
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Maybe you could suggest couples therapy so you both go together. Tell her it's what you really need in the relationship to get some tips on how to deal with the anger and fights. Make sure the therapist knows they are dealing with BPD.
 
I think I
May have this but then I don't know if I'm imagining it. I can switch in moods from calm to anger within minutes n bavk again. I also get overly attached to things n people to the point losing them can literally be like life or death. I've had two relationships both dysfunctional. The first i was controlling. The second he was emtionally abusive we were volitile n I'd send him heaps of angry texts all hours of the morning over things that would suddenly bother me. I'm fearful of being out of control or of anyone controlling me, fearful of change / loss n have driven practically all my friends away. I have like zillions of intense emotions throughout the day; in the morning I could be crying im the afternoon I could be laughing like nowt has happened.

I will do things like spend even though in debt n consrantly feel emptiness / botedom that I try filling with either spending, addictions, people etc. My mam used to say if someone looked at me the wrong way I'd be funny with it n my Dad said I can change moods extremely quickly if they say something that's upset me.

I may just be imagining all of this n not have BPD n could just be over-analysing but the more stuff I read sounds similar to me.

Evey
 
Eveleivibe said:
I may just be imagining all of this n not have BPD n could just be over-analysing but the more stuff I read sounds similar to me.
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I wouldn't get too worried.. a lot of these psychological conditions are over-blown concepts to help keep psychologists and psychiatrists in business. If you don't fit into some prescribed box of "normality" your broken or malfunctioning. It's like diagnosing physical conditions using the internet.. everything points you to having super-aids with five types of ebola, when actually everything is OK and it's just an ache.
 
Eveleivibe said:
I think I
May have this but then I don't know if I'm imagining it. I can switch in moods from calm to anger within minutes n bavk again. I also get overly attached to things n people to the point losing them can literally be like life or death. I've had two relationships both dysfunctional. The first i was controlling. The second he was emtionally abusive we were volitile n I'd send him heaps of angry texts all hours of the morning over things that would suddenly bother me. I'm fearful of being out of control or of anyone controlling me, fearful of change / loss n have driven practically all my friends away. I have like zillions of intense emotions throughout the day; in the morning I could be crying im the afternoon I could be laughing like nowt has happened.

I will do things like spend even though in debt n consrantly feel emptiness / botedom that I try filling with either spending, addictions, people etc. My mam used to say if someone looked at me the wrong way I'd be funny with it n my Dad said I can change moods extremely quickly if they say something that's upset me.

I may just be imagining all of this n not have BPD n could just be over-analysing but the more stuff I read sounds similar to me.

Evey
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You should see a psychologist. You may or may not meet the criteria and it's your choice to try out medication if you do.

If you do feel out of control emotionally and maybe even a little scared, you should see a psychologist, even just to talk and get strategies to help better control things/understand them better.

That being said, I think everyone could benefit from talking with a psychologist.
 
Most people don't experience constant daily extremes of intense emotions. I imagine that must be hard for you do deal with. It could mean something is wrong. A psychologist could help you cope with the daily emotional roller coaster. They could also help figure out whats causing it.
Eveleivibe said:
I think I
May have this but then I don't know if I'm imagining it. I can switch in moods from calm to anger within minutes n bavk again. I also get overly attached to things n people to the point losing them can literally be like life or death. I've had two relationships both dysfunctional. The first i was controlling. The second he was emtionally abusive we were volitile n I'd send him heaps of angry texts all hours of the morning over things that would suddenly bother me. I'm fearful of being out of control or of anyone controlling me, fearful of change / loss n have driven practically all my friends away. I have like zillions of intense emotions throughout the day; in the morning I could be crying im the afternoon I could be laughing like nowt has happened.

I will do things like spend even though in debt n consrantly feel emptiness / botedom that I try filling with either spending, addictions, people etc. My mam used to say if someone looked at me the wrong way I'd be funny with it n my Dad said I can change moods extremely quickly if they say something that's upset me.

I may just be imagining all of this n not have BPD n could just be over-analysing but the more stuff I read sounds similar to me.

Evey
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Aederine said:
My tip for relationships with borderlines: give up.

They're broken, you're not gonna save them. Accept. Move on.
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hey thanks for the advice man.
I've never been able to have relationships with people and I guess I shouldn't anyway because its not worth it hey.
 
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