I'm gonna glue myself to this forum until I've kicked heroin

[deidara]

Today, I can actually be proud of myself for a few things. Like making it almost 5 days. And getting out of toxic relationships for the sake of sobriety. And stopping myself from stealing money out of a wallet someone left at my house, something I'm especially proud of myself for because I was in the middle of a pretty strong craving at the time and it's something I DEFINITELY would have done in the past, but this time I put the respect and love I have for that person first and didn't take it. Although I did open it and look at the money lol. But even though they never would have noticed a few 20's missing out of there, I certainly would have felt a lot of shame and guilt over it. I don't know what happened, but those feelings have become enough of a deterrent for me, enough to the point where I KNOW that I will never make it another person's responsibility to get me high, ever again, even if I do relapse... it will be on my own dollar. That includes doing stupid shit like the Home Depot/Walmart hustle, fuck all that... getting high is not worth eventually getting a warrant.

That's so awesome that you were able to put your morals above your addiction! That is a very tough thing to do, especially when you are in the thick of it. You have a lot that you should feel proud of yourself for :D

 

[xburtonchic]

I just want to do the right thing for once in my life... there used to be a time when I was always like that haha. Thank you

 

[neversickanymore]

neversickanymore - sick vids! Now I'm extra extra stoked for the season! I ride mainly at Big Bear, but I also go to Mammoth and Mt. High every once in a while. Been to Whistler once which was legit. lol it's funny, I actually had a dream about snowboarding last night.... it was a fucking amazing feeling to ride again, even if it was only in my head... still felt hella real haha. You're lucky to live in CO, there are a lot of good resorts there but I never seem to be able to plan a trip correctly. One of these days I'm gonna make it to Vail and Telluride and Aspen.

yeah.. i'm away from my beloved colorado fro a bit longer.. and I have been away for a little over a year.. that s alright I will be back soon.. sometimes it is kinda good to get away from something you love for a bit.. makes you realize how much you really love it. yeah I lived in steamboat for three seasons and crested butte for three more.. and had one or more season passes for the I-70 corridor for nine other years.. with copper, vail, aspen highlands winter park, keystone included in those passes.. used to get allot of multi resort season passes as well.. have over 1100 days in 14 years.. and got pretty into backcountry skiing and big mountain snowmobiling.. IMO ski bumming is not a shabby life at all.. cant wait to get back at it myself.. oh love T ride as well but didn't put many days in there.. whistler is still on my list.. Hey a really good way to reduce the effects of PAWS and facilitate fast healing from addiction is to exercise and a really good way to have a lot more fun on the hill is to exercise, nothing like a runners high.. so damn clean..

It's insane how much of it is dependent on having a positive attitude.

its even more insane that all of life is the same way.. life is how we percieve it, our perceptions are based on our thoughts, we control our thoughts.. so in essence we decide how our life is.

 

[thedawn]

I dont always control my thoughts.this is hard with MI .can be confusing.
I love your positivity and your replies,though,NSA.

 

[xburtonchic]

I dont always control my thoughts.this is hard with MI .can be confusing.
I love your positivity and your replies,though,NSA.

I know right, he's awesome

I don't always control my thoughts that well either, but I try. The realization that life is literally what you perceive it - and that things are only as bad or as good as you make them - has probably been the biggest thing I've learned as a result of my addiction. It's kind of liberating to think about actually. But simply *knowing* that it's true and being able to put it into practice 24/7 are two different things... it's a learning process I suppose.

 

[GenericName12]

As long as you are happy I am happy!

I agree that willpower alone is not enough. I hate that stigma from non-addicts. "Just man up and don't use." Pisses me off so much. My willpower is so strong and my motivation so strong but that doesn't mean my recovery is going to be successful until I truly don't want to use. Abstinence leads to that revelation a lot of the time though. Some people it takes a hell of a lot longer than 10 days so you should feel good about yourself.

 

[neversickanymore]

^ what i say to people that aren't addicted to anything is that i tell them that the same place that causes the drive to eat, hunger, causes the drive to use, psychological addiction.. so if they want to show me how to man up I say they should not eat anything for seven days to see what its like.. if anyone ever does this and comes to me talking more nonsense about manning up, then i will look at them and smile and say good job now keep it up for the rest of your life... dont let them get you down for they know not of what they speak..

I love your positivity and your replies,though,NSA.

I know right, he's awesome

Thank you so much guys:D

 

[xburtonchic]

yeah, willpower only goes so far. I remember reading somewhere a while ago that willpower expends a lot of energy, like literally. It only takes you so far, the rest is pretty much up to you cuz you're gonna have a mental crash eventually whether you want to or not... all the willpower in the world isn't gonna fix that.

I like the food analogy. I get seriously pissed too when people say shit like that. Like, really. If it was a simple matter of willpower, don't you think I'd have done this a long ass time ago? duh. People are ignorant sometimes but what can you do lol.

 

[thedawn]

I have to act against my will all the time.
like now,I want a fucking benzo for bad anxiety but it won't happen.
I have to try to do "the right thing"instead of doing what my ego tells me.
it can be a fine balance.

how are you today,burtonchic?feeling ok still?

 

[xburtonchic]

I'm doing alright. Low energy, mood swings, some minor achiness in general. Starting to have using dreams too which is bothering me a bit, but they're nothing like the ones I was having while I was detoxing in jail. Those ones were intense, constant, and real (like literally - I kept dreaming that the cops fucked up and left the heroin/rigs in my car, and when I got home that's exactly what had happened haha - but also in the sense that the dreams themselves felt scarily real). The ones I'm having now are really short and heroin isn't the MAIN focus of them, more like it's a prop off to the side... if that makes sense? I just don't want them to get worse. :/

 

[neversickanymore]

how are you burton

 

[drscience]

I regularly have dreams where I can CLEARLY remember using. Very cruel the tricks our minds play....

Ya, how ARE you doing burtonchic?

 

[neversickanymore]

Rite DR, how is old burton?..

Dock if your anything like me you never quite get to use... something gets stuck, something spills, the shit you consume turns out to be bunk.. or my favorite the cops come in right before the deed and take it away and make fun of me.. lots of using dreams non where i ever got to use

 

[drscience]

I didn't want to glorify using...but I almost always remember using in my dreams...and I swear once I could feel it......

 

[neversickanymore]

i didn't want to either so i fixed that just incase anyone would think that that was glorious.

yeah i never felt it..

 

[thedawn]

wow,I though I was alone in having those dreams where you ALMOST get to use.
it's all there in the dream.
the cravings,the bus ride downtown,finding the hook up and so forth.
all the fucking bullshit I'm so grateful to be done with.
but it stops right BEFORE.
I wake up feeling guilty and then soon it's like whatever.still though.

 

[xburtonchic]

I've had using dreams both where I've used/felt it AND where something goes wrong right before I'm about to do it. They both suck on a conscious level, but I think they're sort of necessary on a subconscious level. It's a good way for your brain to get what it wants without actually ruining your life in the process, at least.

I'm doing good! Today is day 13 without any h. I had a long day yesterday, that's why I never replied. My friend came over (she's clean too) and we went swimming twice, then took two walks around the park while smoking bowls. Then we went in the hot tub. So I pretty much crashed the second I got back home lol I was worn out.

Oh yeah and I get to go to Vegas on Sunday for a week. It will be good to get outta Cali for a while

 

[thedawn]

a life free of heroin really makes you,at least me,appreciate the small things.
it's like every day is a gift because I shouldn't be here.
good on you,Burton,for all that clean time.
it took me a long time to somewhat recover but we're all different.I'm kinda old too.
Vegas is crazy,it's been awhile.I've been super fucked up there,be careful.

I'm also in California.
West Coast forever!

 

[Leezy]

I think that your withdrawal is relative. In my experience, the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think you've made great strides. Shit u haven't used H in a while. That's huge. I wouldn't say that you're going to get more or worse physical withdrawals however, since you have fed your brain what it's craving (opiates) you've kindA reset the psychological withdrawal. Just try and keep yourself busy. If you have access to any benzos, take those in therapeutic doses when the anxiety hits hard. I don't know what your activity is like, but sitting around watching tv or lounging feeling sorry for yourself will precipitate relapse. If it makes you feel better, I'm on day 3 right now off of vicodin(50-100mgs a day). Although vikes are nothing to heroin or OC I have gone thru what you're going thru (several times.lol) and it will get better. I look at it likes its a cold. Ain't no thang...

 

[xburtonchic]

it's like every day is a gift because I shouldn't be here.

omg. that legit almost made me cry. thedawn

I'm staying busy. All is well. Think I'm getting addicted to exercise though loolll but it's literally the only thing that makes me feel better aside from more opiates/opioids/benzos and I'm trying to avoid those as much as possible. lol oh well.