its long
Thank you so much.. it really means allot to me to hear that
.. I hate what addiction does and I love it when yet another amazing person silently slips away, unnoticed by the devil, into the early morning dawn.. free%)
I would really head chinas warning there.. It is crucial that you have the correct support in place BEFORE it is needed... as you have probably guesses I am a firm believer that that it is possible through relatively simple things to be able to ride that cloud till the end of time.. but it doesn't take that much time to develop a reliable plan for when and if the pain comes. Your post was full of real emotion
.. that makes me think you may have passed clear into the paws
..
Now that that you won the insane
.. the long drawn out war will follow... we go from having to be pretty damn strong all the time to having to be insanelly super human strong for little pieces of time. figure out how to ride that cloud forever.. the biggest thing is changing your thoughts, no matter what happens we choose how we percieve it.. ALWAYS look on the bright side.. if you ever find something that doesn't have a bright side than you still arent looking at it in the coreect way. I really sugest that you find something to take the power from your emotional response.. the fellowships use steps steps 3-11 as major wepons aginst the crazy emotional respnse that addciton leaves us with for a period of years.
that alternate twelve step I threw up might be something you consider..
3.
Decided to follow our hearts and let it guide our lives and actions.
the reason this is so important is that it guarantees that we are always doing whats right for us.. if we dont do what right for us then we will get hit with anxiety.. I dont know about you but anxiety was one of the major driving forces in my initial use as well a the major drive for relapse.. also if we do not follow or hearts it will lead to other emotions such as frustration, guilt, anger, apathy.. so by continuing down the path that is right for us we utilize the natural peace this path offords.. you seem to be a strong free spirit so this should be pretty natural.. if you find your self experiencing allot of anxiety of frustration think or meditate on how you may have strayed and how you can rejoin with your destined path.. consult your gut, if yours is as smart as mine it often knows where the heart wants to go better than the heart.. the heart in all realty is the limbic system or the unconscious mind and as it also controls how your gut feels it can tell you what its feelings are through this.
4.
Wrote down a list of all the negative things we did and all the negative things that were done to us. Added to that list anything that carried an unpleasent emotion when we thought about it.
5.
In writing that list and telling another person we were forced to face the fact that all these events were real and this in turn forced us to finally face these events. In facing these events we were able to remove the emotional tag associated with the event and thus extinguished our addictions emotional stronghold.
6.
Once we admitted to ourselves that all these events were real and told another person we received the natural psychological healing that comes when anyone has the courage to do this. We were able to get these things off our chest, realized that they were not as big a deal as we made it out to be, took away the fear of someone finding out, relieved us of the guilt and shame as well as the anger and resentment towards others and finally put in the work needed to clear the emotional tags that would drive us back to use.
7.
Forgave ourselves and others and worked through events that we had never dealt with, but instead had circumnavigated with the use of drugs.
These are a technique for cleaning allot of the emotions that we never dealt with and circumvented with no real solution, they were instead logged as solved, while remaining unsolved, and the solution that we logged was the use of a drug.. this is a deadly combination.. because we constantly need more of the drug to resolve the problem because of tolerance, and we eventually get to the point where the amount of drug needed to circumvent all the emotions we are using it to circumvent is more than other systems of the body can take.. OD. So I have no idea why confession really works but it works so well that it has been attributed to god for a long long time.. the purpose of this is not to spark debate over god and what is attributed to IT.. I believe in god, but have problems with religion for what i hope are obvious reasons.
So something you may want to consider is taking an emotion wheel from the internet and and taking your time and going through every emotion it has and then as the fellowships say.. take an inventory.. and even before this I would also list all the bad shit you've done, ALL of it burton.. even those couple things you wont even admit to yourself are real and are a little scared to even contemplate telling another human being.. yeah they all need to come out, and since your a free spirit that has been known to throw caution to the wind, and as I know a little bit about this type of person, i know you have a couple
and everything that's ever been done to you.. This is the time to let all that shit go.. by holding onto all that stuff we hold onto often times the very reason we started using in the first place and almost certainly the reason we liked it so much.. especially with drugs like booze and H.. So I really implore you to consider undertaking this and going full bore.. you have nothing to be afraid of.. you have nothing to loose but all that shit you are logging along.. that shit makes our souls dim.. take a chance and and dump all that garbage.. if you dont like the fellowships you can simply write down a list of EVERYTHING you can remember that has an emotion associated with it and tell it to some random priest or some poor soul on the chair lift.. this being done all you need to do is forgive the people that wronged you, remember the act of forgiveness is for you and not for them.. and forgive yourself.. you may be amazing but I will let you in on a little secret..
your not a god burton.. so quit quit holding yourself to a gods standers and let the mistakes you have made out to the priest and forgive yourself already
8.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
this is just womaning up and making things right if you can..
9.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.
10.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
This is another way of saying we will now act like adults.. in other words from now on we will develop coping skills for our emotions and use those skills to make sure we properly clear our emotional baggage, especially guilt as that what we face if we dont man or woman up when we fuck up.
11.
Continued to listen to and follow our hearts, and developed courage and confidence to believe in our hearts, and actively pursued the path and actions it showed us.
This just makes sure we remember to seek and follow our own path.
12.
Having learned how to recover from addiction we helped others with their struggles.[/SIZE][/SIZE][/B][/CENTER][/QUOTE]
best way not figure out my problems is to help someone else..
So If I were you I would would figure out everything that fuels the cloud, find away to clean your emotional baggage, follow your heart and nothing else, and by all means have a plan in place for when you get HIT and please have it in place before you get hit.. Oh and start saving a little money cause your buying my lift ticket if we are ever fortunate enough to get to ride together
I'm seriously pissed off at myself, even though I know I shouldn't be. It's just that all the warning signs were there and I ignored them... I got overconfident, thinking I could go to my dealer and pick up a Xanax and that it wouldn't bother me having the other stuff so close by. Worst of all, I'm pretty sure I somehow managed to reset the entire withdrawal process.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
just pick yourself up, loose all the guilt and anger and figure out why you fell and design a way of avoiding that.. your still doing good burton.. if it was as easy as detoxing we all would have no problem. dont use this as an excuse to start digging that whole again.. nothing has changed you still really want out of this nightmare.. so it will never be easier than right now