I can't stop thinking about all the time I've wasted being on dope. Years and years... I could've been with someone who loved and cared about me instead of an abusive self absorbed insecure guy. I could've been out having fun and exploring life. Dating, meeting people. Working on a career. Writing. Being in love. But I stayed where I was because the heroin told me everything was ok, even though I knew it wasn't.
Part of what's so hard about getting sober is I've changed so much in the last year or two, what with having some clean time and meeting a guy who made me feel appreciated and wanted. I feel like a whole different person and I want a whole different life, but sometimes I'm afraid it's too late. And I feel like time is ticking, ticking, like every second that goes by wasted is driving me crazy

I'm trying to find a better job but it's hard... I want so much to move out. I'm trying to get clean but that's hard too, not feeling like myself, feeling sad an anxious and insecure all the time. Not able to enjoy anything. And I know I need to push through it, and I'm trying...
I just can't stand how things are right now, it's like there's a huge hole in my heart, and my life, and everyday I just feel like I'm wasting it. I feel like I've just woken up after being asleep for years, and I'm realizing that I wasted so much time, so many beautiful days of my life wasted being numbed out on dope convincing myself I was happy because the opiates masked the fact that I really didn't belong in the life I was in. And meeting someone cool has been amazing, but in a way it's been hard, because he's raised my standards and I realize I deserve more now, I realize I deserve a man who treats me well, and it makes me so sad that I stayed for years with someone who was awful to me a lot of the time. I'm talking about telling me to my face that I'm old, too old to dress cute, that I look ridiculous, that he's embarassed to be seen with me, doesn't want to fuck me, that I'm stupid and clumsy and useless. He'd say that when he was mad and then afterwards he'd act nice for a while and I'd tell myself that the angry him "wasn't really him" and that maybe he was right, and I'm not that great and he's doing me a favor being with me...
Then last year I meet this guy and he's the polar opposite - tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel wanted, ect. Which is great... but I'm so angry at myself and so sad that I wasted all these years with someone who wasn't good to me, because I didn't think I deserved or could find anyone better.
So all these thoughts are in my mind all the time, on top of trying to quit opiates, and it's so hard. I want to try to build the life I want but I just worry that it's too late, I've wasted and ruined my life. People tell me I'm attractive, guys flirt with me, but I don't :::feel::: attractive usually, and I hate that. I miss feeling confident.
I just want to feel good again. Feel confident that I know myself, who I am and what I want, and that I'm headed in the right direction. And I want it to work out with the guy I'm seeing. And it feels like there are huge obstacles in my way. But mostly it's the empty days... living in a place I don't want to be, when all I really want is to be with the person I love, and work on doing something good with my life. I believe I can get there, but it's so hard right now. I just want to be able to live the life I'm dreaming of.