• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

I'm done

Ahh I know what you mean. Sometimes it's a lot easier said than done.

The thing about stressful situations though, is that they never have to be permanent. There's always SOMETHING you can do to change it, or improve it, or to even eliminate it altogether. I'm not sure what your situation is, but I bet if you set aside even 5 minutes out of each day to do something -- anything -- to address the root cause of it, you would start to feel better about it sooner rather than later. Even just knowing you're doing something to be proactive about it would lift your spirits, I bet. That's just my two cents. Then again I don't know your situation, so take it with a grain of salt lol

And ew I know that restless/antsy/anxious feeling you're talking about. It always shows up for me close to the end too. I'm pretty sure it's something to do with your adrenaline production suddenly ramping up.

Dude, the fact that you still have the piece is just proof of how strong you actually are. Guarantee if it were me, that shit would have been gone already. I hate to say it but it's true. This is JUST A SUGGESTION, but maybe you should flush it now while you have the strength not to do it? I feel like the longer it sits there, the more pull it could have. It's a huge risk to take... but I'm sure you know that already lol. For what it's worth, I have complete faith that you can do this, no doubt. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!!
 
Thanks chick.. I'm doing as much as I can about it, but unfortunately it's one of those things that's mostly out of my hands.

So it'll probably come as no surprise given my last couple posts, but... I relapsed tonight. I had a ten dollar piece, I broke a tiny bit off and did it and got high, and seeing how little I needed, I broke the rest in half and flushed half of it. So now I have a tiny piece left. I don't plan on doing any again anytime soon - this was a one time dealio. I guess I just needed a break, and to remember that I could feel human again. Two and a half months of fighting through anxiety and depression... it was hella worse this time than less November when I got off methadone. It's partly because of the stressful situation I mentioned, I think, and partly because I know this time is for real.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone :/ I know people have been rooting for me and I really appreciate it. I'm right back to trying to get sober tomorrow - I'm going to get 7 mgs. I'll probably jump off next tuesday when I'm on 3 - that'll probably be the last day I dose. I'm not sure 2 or 1 mg is worth going to the clinic for.

And, for posterity, for tomorrow and beyond when I"m not feeling well: getting high did NOT give me tons of energy to clean like I kept telling myself it would. It didn't make me not care about my problems. It felt good but not amazing... I feel relaxed but I wouldn't say my stress about certain situations is gone. And honestly I'm not sure if it's really good to not give a fuck about things that you know you actually give a fuck about.

At any rate, even if I said fuck it I want to stay on dope, I can't. Not and move out like I want to. Not and find a decent man. So it's kind of a moot point if it feels good or not, because I cant have my cake and eat it too. I mean maybe I could technically, I'm sure eventually I would have a good enough job to where I could have money leftover to cop. But like I think I've written before, I want a real relationship with someone, which to me means being honest. And the guys I'm attracted to aren't into heroin addicts. So dope, or love. I think I know which one to choose.
 
You haven't disappointed anyone, love. You're doing amazing and you still are!! You have been fighting for a long time and sometimes we do need a break. I'm not saying that makes it okay to relapse... obviously it's not okay, because you are running a HUGE risk of that relapse turning into a full on year-long run (like what happened with me... sad panda). But hey, like you said, you're back at it now. No harm, no foul. I don't respect you any less for it, my opinion of you hasn't changed in the slightest, and I'm sure I speak for everyone else here when I say that. All is well :)

Good idea writing that down for posterity. Heroin likes to speak to us the most when we're at our weakest, it disguises itself as an angel and makes all kinds of promises about how your life will be better and all of your pain, your problems, everything will go away if you'll only do it just this one more time... and then, as predicted, it reels you in and promptly breaks every single promise it made. Honestly, heroin is sooo fucking evil to me that I have a hard time thinking of it as just some substance. It's like that shit has a life of it's own. If the devil is real, he is incarnated on this earth as heroin. Fuck. I hate that drug. But I love it. But I hate it even more, so... sobriety wins, haha.

I know what you mean about the relationships thing too. The guys I'm attracted to are also not heroin addicts. In fact, a strung out guy is just about the biggest turnoff ever to me. I don't mean that to sound offensive, honestly. I am turned off to junkies in general, including myself when I'm strung out. I hate myself when I'm in active addiction. The only time I've ever really known real love for myself was when I was clean last year. It's just not possible to carry on a real relationship with REAL love when you don't even love yourself.
 
Thanks for saying that. <3 I'm right back at it today, got 7 mgs.

I know what you mean about it being evil. It feels so good sometimes, and I mean it's a wonder drug for people in pain who actually need it, (morphine I mean), but the way it feels like it makes everything ok, is just so damn dangerous. No other drug has made me feel like that - I've done coke, meth, weed, mushrooms, ect. Yeah they get you high, but opiates are different. You just turn into this numbed out shell and end up like my friend T, who's practically homeless and his life is all fucked up, but as soon as he does his shot, everything's ok. Nevermind that he has nowhere to sleep that night, no money, and no future if he keeps on like this. Heroin tells him everything's great. Just like it told ME everything was great when my relationship was awful and my life was going nowhere.

I think back in the day I thought the idea of a heroin addict was kind of sexy - like Kurt Cobain, all high and playing guitar with an "I don't give a fuck" attitude... but becoming a junkie and being around other junkies makes you realize there is NOTHING glamorous about it IRL. And I dont like being a junkie either. I HATE going to the methadone clinic, going to a shitty part of SF, standing in line with a bunch of other junkies to get my plastic cup full of strawberry flavored syrup and methadone. It makes me want to take a shower when I get home. I'm so glad I'll be off soon. I don't mean to sound like I think I'm better than anyone - obviously I'm going there too - it's just not where I aspire to be, you know? It's not ok to me. To a lot of those people, its like they've accepted it as their lot in life. They stand there and bitch about the line being long and the counselors being assholes and that the methadone "gets in your bones", and I just stand there thinking - then get off it then! Why are you still on 120 mg after five years at the clinic? If you hate it so much, make an effort to get clean.

I just want a different life. I want to never have to go down there again. Once I'm done with this, I never want to have a habit again. Not saying I'll never ever use again (although that's the goal, to be happy enough without it), but I never want that ball and chain around my ankle again.
 
I used to think the idea was kind of sexy too I guess. I mean, I had an almost unhealthy obsession with Sid Vicious when I was in 9th grade haha. These days tho I just empathize with the dude (altho he was still pretty hot haha) and find it very sad that he never made it out. You're right though, it's not glamorous AT ALL in real life. It's just sad and incredibly pitiful. Although there is a war against addiction on a global scale, but it's one that is also very individualized... for the addict it just feels like the loneliest most neverending battle for your life. And there is nothing "glamorous" about fighting for your life day in and day out. I believe addicts are some of the most beautiful, most creative souls that could do amazing things if their compulsions were redirected towards their passion for life, and they have some of the biggest hearts, and it's the saddest thing ever that heroin just straight up crushes all that. It fights hard to put the light out in every. single. area. in a person's life. There is absolutely no limit to what heroin will destroy - families, careers, bank accounts, friendships. But worst of all, it separates people from themselves and it destroys their spirit so that they don't even know who they are anymore, or care. And you're right, not caring is dangerous af. When I had my revelation last year that it was really, truly time to start fighting for sobriety... that using was not the same anymore and it never would be... it honestly feels like I had just woken up one day, 25 years old, no idea where the last three years of my life had gone, but fully aware that almost everyone else my age was settling down with families and careers. It took a while to get over that one, I'm still not fully over it, but I have finally accepted that I was just meant to be on a different path than other people. This is my experience and I'm having it for a reason, just like everyone else has their own journeys to follow. Still though, it was a pretty big blow to realize how far behind I was. This, of course, is compacted by the fact that society, family members, and friends are quick to point out how much of a failure they think you are. Took me a long time to stop agreeing with them. Sure, we addicts have made mistakes. Our lives did not mold perfectly into society and we aren't what we're told we should have grown up to be. We're not even what WE wanted to grow up to be. So yes, not caring is dangerous, because we allow our lives to fall apart without blinking an eyelash. But I've learned that there is a BIG difference between waking up to reality and realizing that, no, nothing that's going on is okay, and then doing what you have to do to make your life look like what you WANT it to look like... and waking up to reality and caring about your problems all of a sudden and feeling like a failure for not being where you feel like you're supposed to be in life.

Did any of that even make sense? I'm sorry if it didn't, I just smoked a bowl (weed helps me a hell of a lot in withdrawal), and I'm feeling kind of... philosophical atm. hahah

We have the same goal. Except I think for me, total restraint is going to be my only option, at least for a LONG time. I am incredibly impulsive by nature, I've always been that way, and I'm just not the type of person who can do it once then put it down. It sucks but I happen to believe that I can be happy without it, so oh well if I can no longer partake in that particular indulgence. Oh well. There are plenty more I CAN partake in without it spinning out of control.

Oh and I hear you about the people who seem to have just accepted it. I really don't understand the people who's lives are just pure shit - homeless, broke, no family or real friends to speak of, surrounded by shadiness and toxicity and negativity and pain - but they have NO desire to change it and they can't see a problem at all, anywhere. They say they can stop anytime they want. I've known a few people like this, and I genuinely don't understand where they're coming from. I don't judge them either, I just feel bad for them... and I also realize that I could end up like them. That's what scares me the most honestly. I know I would survive, but you know what? Fuck all that. I want my life to have meaning and passion and purpose, I don't want it to be a daily struggle for survival. Def hear you on that.
 
It made sense :) I realized a long time ago that I was with the wrong person. But I didn't do anything about it because I couldn't picture my life without him. Realization is nothing without action.

I have a feeling the next few days are gonna kinda suck for me. I woke up really sick this morning, my 6mg made it better but its worn off a lot - I dont even know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. Probly need to fill my Ativan prescription tomorrow. Oh man this is gonna suck. I've only gotta get through it once though - that's what I need to remember.

"At some point, you've just got to jump. You've got to quit being scared of the maybes and what-ifs and just jump. Quit cheating yourself out of the best thing that could ever happen to you, and just fall. Fall hard, fall long, and fall forever."

-Unknown
 
Love that.. and this thread.. your doing the impossible.. and working back through all the stuff you didn't notice the first time around.

Pretty admirable. . Consider being a little more gentle on yourself.. you should be damn proud. Very nice work!!=D
 
Last edited:
thanks nsa :) I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, but it's ingrained from being with a guy for too long who was hard on me.

I'm not sure what's up with the detox today. I woke up pretty sick, drank some grapefruit juice & went to dose. Got 5mg. Came home, it kicked in... and now it's four hours later and I still feel... surprisingly ok? I wouldn't say I feel GOOD, I can feel the sickness around the edges - achy, no energy - but it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be given that last night I didnt fall asleep til 4:30 and woke up at 8. Also, the Depression Of Doom hasn't descended either. I mean I'm a little anxious, and a little sad because I miss someone and I'd give anything to be with him instead of sitting in this apt. But the sickness, both physical and mental, just isn't that bad. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - I keep looking at the time thinking "its going to start wearing off and I"m going to start feeling like total shit soon, right?" I need to stop doing that.

Could I actually be getting better? 4 mg tomorrow, 3 tuesday. Considering how much I feel the 5, I think I may go all the way to 2 or even 1. Seems silly to drive down to the clinic for 1 mg, but I might do it.

I really want my natural happiness back. I can't believe I spent so long on opiates.

eta: 5pm and I still feel ok. I mean I feel like shit, but I feel ok (only a junkie will understand that). Did the clinic mess up my dose and give me too much today?
 
Last edited:
3mg today. It took away some sickness but I feel really down and anxious. had a shot of whiskey night before last, and yesterday I took an Ativan, so I really don't want to take anything today. I need to go do some errands and I just dont feel like it. I'm tired and I have dark circles under my eyes and I feel like I look awful. I just want to curl up and go to sleep - I got like ONE hour of sleep last night. Either that or do some dope, but I can't do dope. I mean I could, but it would mess everything up. I know I'm almost there but I'm so tired of feeling like this. I miss feeling happy, I miss laughing, I miss good things making me feel good for a while, instead of like for two minutes before my anxious mind starts to twist things and tell me the good thing isn't really good.

I dont know whats wrong with me today, I'm just sad, everything feels gray and pointless and over. You know the fucked up thing - all spring when I was using, I was happy. As soon as I got sober, things started going wrong in my life, and that's the truth. I miss feeling human, and like my old self.

I think this taper was a fucking mistake. I should have just CT'd it from dope - tapered down for a week or two and then just jumped off, felt like shit for a few days and then I would've felt better. And I still would've felt like MYSELF. Instead, I put myself through a three month taper where I was sick every day because I wanted to come down fast, and now its to the point where I dont even know who I am anymore. I barely get any pleasure out of anything... I never should've done it this way. I"m so stupid, I can't even get clean the right way.

I'm waiting to hear if I got that job, I should find out today or tomorrow if I passed the drug screen.
 
Good luck with the job Blue=D

Think its time to jump yet? Can you make an appointment to see a BP and tell them whats up and see if you can get some medications to help you through the tunnel? The gabapentin or lyrica will likely help you out allot. You may wish to detox before the job starts;)

NSFW:
medications for acute opiate detox

The medications I would explore the use of for detox would be:
>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..

one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE< >here<
OR >Lyrica<
OR >phenibut<

>A BENZO BUT JUST AT NIGHT<
>a nsaid<
>melatonin<
tylenol
Senokot S is a stool softener and laxative. If you do not want the laxative you can go for strait stool softenerDioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate.

(Opi Withdrawal) what is the best comfort meds for opiate w/d?

Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal



BlueSaffron said:
"At some point, you've just got to jump. You've got to quit being scared of the maybes and what-ifs and just jump. Quit cheating yourself out of the best thing that could ever happen to you, and just fall. Fall hard, fall long, and fall forever."

-Unknown
Click to expand...

 
no, I think I"m going to go all the way to 1 mg. I still feel the 3, and it's only 2 more days, so might as well just finish it out.

Physically I'm fine (besides the lack of energy), I'm just really depressed. I have gabapentin, I prefer not to take it so far - I don't like the way it makes me feel. I have 5 Ativan, I'll probably take one tomorrow night, skip a night, take one, and see how I feel from there. I'm almost done, there's no point starting up other drugs now (besides the Ativan). I'm just venting here because the depression is hard, and unexpected - I didn't feel like this last November when I got off methadone. I had cravings, and I felt a bit anxious, but nothing like this.


If I get the job it'll start the 8th. Being totally detoxed before I start sounds like a fabulous idea, but it's up to my body & mind when it starts producing its own feel good chemicals again. I can only do the best I can, do my last two days of methadone, and go from there. I'm sure only having a combined 7 hours sleep in the last 3 days isn't helping my mood. Tomorrow night I can take an Ativan, and then my first night not dosing I'll probably take one.
 
Kind of... I got on it in 2008 or so, but used til 2012, then was clean of heroin, tapering off methadone, from summer 2012 to mid November 2013. I rushed my detox cos I was going home for CHristmas. It was rough, lots of physical discomfort, but none of the mental stuff that's driving me crazy now. I mean I did have cravings but not the depression. Anyway 3 days after my last methadone dose in late NOv I relapsed, and I used from then til late May this year when I got on methadone again. So I've never gone all the way through. And I've been on opiates a long time... so its just hard. Using since 95, had a habit since late 96. I don't know from the sober life. I remember that there was a time when I didn't do drugs and I was happy, but it seems so far away now... I know who I am on opiates, off them... not so much. I just don't feel like myself. It's so hard to feel happiness, it's like I can't just relax and be content. I know it's my brain chemistry is messed up, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Thank god I'm almost through, because I'm about done with detoxing. I'm hoping once I take my last dose I can actually start getting better. You just have to understand I haven't spent time off drugs since 1996. The lure of going back to what I know, the chemical I can be ME on, is very strong.

I'm not giving up though. I know I've made progress if 3 mgs makes me feel better, and I know there's no reason I won't continue to get better. I'm just tired of being so down all the time.
 
Your doing great. I totally understand, but if I can get clean, having abused drugs at staggering levels since before you, you can as well. =D

The reason I asked about the methadone is that the acutes generally last between ten and fourteen days after last use and then people get slowly better after that.

You really are doing great!!!!!<3
 
Thanks :) the physical is getting better. It sounds weird to say since i bitch about RLS & no sleep & no energy, but ive experienced CT off a huge habit with no comfort meds. I know pain :p the physical stuff at this point is just an annoyance. I just want to feel happy again. I want the mental part to improve. Id take a month more of 3 hrs of sleep at night if i could stop feeling so down-id trade those two in a heartbeat.

Ive come this far though.. I have to believe itll be worth it.
 
It well worth it.. in a hand full of days you will feel better.. in a few months you will feal good.. in under a year you will feal better one hundred % of the time then you did 97% of the time during use!!! I promise.
 
Thank you nsa. 2mg today... Not sure if I'm going to go get my 1mg tmrw. I feel a bit sick physically but I'm trying not to let the mental stuff get to me today. I'm going to try to kerp busy today & take an Ativan tonight to sleep. Theres no more dope here at the house.

"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'"- Red, in The Shawshank Redemption
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top