mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
I feel so lost right now. I'm really having a hard week and I don't feel like I can talk to anybody about EVERYTHING going on right now. There are so many lies and ways I have to portray myself to people, its exhausting. And when I feel like this, I don't know where to turn. So I came back here, because you guys have helped me through some really rough times.
I've been out of rehab for four months, and I haven't managed to stay entirely clean. I relapsed on heroin for a couple days and came back, and I've drank on some occasions (last night being one) and smoked weed.
I really don't know what sobriety means to me. I know that the technical term is no alcohol, no drugs, but I feel like I can't deal with that, like I can smoke weed and drink and my life will be manageable. But I don't do any of these things normally. Last night I was super depressed and so I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank the whole bottle, then passed out. And to my parents sober means no drugs, no weed. And I need their support right now, but its so hard for me to live this way. And I don't want them to know about the drinking and weed because if they find out they won't support me.
Things are up in the air with my boyfriend. We've been dating almost six months, and his mom left his family on Tuesday. Since then he switches back and forth from wanting me to support him to ignoring me. I spent Wednesday with him because he said he really needed me there, then last night he flaked on me and he's been weird today-- we were supposed to hang out tonight and he's not been responding to my texts and didn't pick up when I called. I know that he's going through a horrible time right now, and that its not the time to be getting mad at him, but I'm frustrated. One minute I feel like he loves me, the next I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me. Right now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to be in this relationship. I'm a good person and I want to be with someone who WANTS ME. But then I feel like maybe he is just going through a lot and now is not the time. On Sunday he had a dream that I left him and was so upset and freaked out about it he woke up sweating and scared... but I can't take this back and forth. I feel so unwanted, unloved right now and it sucks.
And I've had a huge falling out with one of my best friends, and I'm living at my parents right now and all I have are using friends in this area. And I have a mid-term I need to study for but I can barely focus on it because all I can think about it how much I want to just drink and pass out and how upset I am over my boyfriend...
I've been out of rehab for four months, and I haven't managed to stay entirely clean. I relapsed on heroin for a couple days and came back, and I've drank on some occasions (last night being one) and smoked weed.
I really don't know what sobriety means to me. I know that the technical term is no alcohol, no drugs, but I feel like I can't deal with that, like I can smoke weed and drink and my life will be manageable. But I don't do any of these things normally. Last night I was super depressed and so I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank the whole bottle, then passed out. And to my parents sober means no drugs, no weed. And I need their support right now, but its so hard for me to live this way. And I don't want them to know about the drinking and weed because if they find out they won't support me.
Things are up in the air with my boyfriend. We've been dating almost six months, and his mom left his family on Tuesday. Since then he switches back and forth from wanting me to support him to ignoring me. I spent Wednesday with him because he said he really needed me there, then last night he flaked on me and he's been weird today-- we were supposed to hang out tonight and he's not been responding to my texts and didn't pick up when I called. I know that he's going through a horrible time right now, and that its not the time to be getting mad at him, but I'm frustrated. One minute I feel like he loves me, the next I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me. Right now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to be in this relationship. I'm a good person and I want to be with someone who WANTS ME. But then I feel like maybe he is just going through a lot and now is not the time. On Sunday he had a dream that I left him and was so upset and freaked out about it he woke up sweating and scared... but I can't take this back and forth. I feel so unwanted, unloved right now and it sucks.
And I've had a huge falling out with one of my best friends, and I'm living at my parents right now and all I have are using friends in this area. And I have a mid-term I need to study for but I can barely focus on it because all I can think about it how much I want to just drink and pass out and how upset I am over my boyfriend...