i'm back... need support

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I feel so lost right now. I'm really having a hard week and I don't feel like I can talk to anybody about EVERYTHING going on right now. There are so many lies and ways I have to portray myself to people, its exhausting. And when I feel like this, I don't know where to turn. So I came back here, because you guys have helped me through some really rough times.

I've been out of rehab for four months, and I haven't managed to stay entirely clean. I relapsed on heroin for a couple days and came back, and I've drank on some occasions (last night being one) and smoked weed.

I really don't know what sobriety means to me. I know that the technical term is no alcohol, no drugs, but I feel like I can't deal with that, like I can smoke weed and drink and my life will be manageable. But I don't do any of these things normally. Last night I was super depressed and so I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank the whole bottle, then passed out. And to my parents sober means no drugs, no weed. And I need their support right now, but its so hard for me to live this way. And I don't want them to know about the drinking and weed because if they find out they won't support me.

Things are up in the air with my boyfriend. We've been dating almost six months, and his mom left his family on Tuesday. Since then he switches back and forth from wanting me to support him to ignoring me. I spent Wednesday with him because he said he really needed me there, then last night he flaked on me and he's been weird today-- we were supposed to hang out tonight and he's not been responding to my texts and didn't pick up when I called. I know that he's going through a horrible time right now, and that its not the time to be getting mad at him, but I'm frustrated. One minute I feel like he loves me, the next I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me. Right now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to be in this relationship. I'm a good person and I want to be with someone who WANTS ME. But then I feel like maybe he is just going through a lot and now is not the time. On Sunday he had a dream that I left him and was so upset and freaked out about it he woke up sweating and scared... but I can't take this back and forth. I feel so unwanted, unloved right now and it sucks.

And I've had a huge falling out with one of my best friends, and I'm living at my parents right now and all I have are using friends in this area. And I have a mid-term I need to study for but I can barely focus on it because all I can think about it how much I want to just drink and pass out and how upset I am over my boyfriend...

 

[Lolie]

My concern for you would be that you want to abuse alcohol. My definition of "clean" isn't total abstinence, but not abusing any drugs which you are using. We tend not to lie about things which aren't a problem for us, so the fact that you are lying about your use suggests that there's something more going on.

Your parents can't support you if they don't know what's going on - while you keeping hiding shit from them, you're not giving them a chance to support you. They supported you through heroin - do you really think that they're not going to support you through this? It sounds like you're scared of weed and alcohol being taken away from you - that's not something which would bother someone who doesn't abuse those drugs.

You don't mention any ongoing psychological support, and you're really going to need that if you want to avoid relapsing or replacing one dependency with another. A good therapist can teach you the tools to form new, healthy friendships, to replace the old negative habits (like lying about your use) with healthy new ones, to develop relationships skills, and to live a less dramatic life overall.

Maybe you could tell your parents that you're struggling to stay clean and that you think seeing a mental health professional would help. Chances are that you're not going to be able to bootstrap your way out of the place you're in right now and that you do need some additional support to help you in not abusing substances. Why not seek that help now, before everything implodes - because you're probably not going to be able to maintain your deception for very long given the dark place you're in right now.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

It's not that I'm worried about alcohol and weed being taken away from me, my parents are financially supporting me. And it's wrong, but I don't want to lose their financial support, which I will if they find out.

I go to AA meetings often and I have a sponsor, but I've lied about the weed and alcohol with her. It's embarassing. I've relapsed so many times, and I don't understand why I can't stay clean. I don't want to go back to my old life, I've worked so hard to get to the place where I am now. And I've really tried to work a good program, going to a meeting everyday and working the steps with my sponsor. I've tried to find a connection to a higher power, which was difficult, since I was agnostic/atheist, but I feel like I have. But sometimes I just can't stand the emmotional pain I feel, and I really don't have anyone to turn to. I have some sober friends, but they're not the best, they're flaky often and that's why I just had a falling out with one who was one of my closest. And I've used a few times just because I was bored, and it seems like it would be fun.

I also have a lot of other issues. Self-harming which was escalated recently, and my eating disorder, which I've been dipping in and out of. I have some mild form of PTSD from sexual abuse that really haunts me.

It's so hard to live a sober life, I've never really given it a chance in the last 6-7 years. I'm so socially awkward and have a hard time making friends, and I feel like I don't even know how. What do I say to someone at my school? I feel so different from them, there's so much going on in my life, trying to attempt sobriety that I just don't want to share with a normal person. And I have such a dislike of women.. I don't know how that's come about, because I never felt this before, but I really don't like being around them, I'm so much more comfortable around guys. But I know that I won't find the type of friendships I want with them...

 

[Lolie]

Some of your issues are ones which 12 step programmes aren't equipped to handle. It's like hiring a mechanic to take out your appendix.

You need a qualified mental health professional to help you deal with those issues and if your sponsor isn't supporting you in getting that help then they are being extremely irresponsible. It's also unlikely that you'll be able to get clean and stay clean while those other issues remain unaddressed.

Get your parents to help you find a psychologist or psychiatrist to treat your mental health issues. AA has no business at all even suggesting their programme is adequate for mental health disorders and your parents need to understand that - your mental health issues need professional management, probably a combination of medication and some kind of formal therapy.

 

[bagochina]

nice to see you back miss mia wallace...

I really don't know what sobriety means to me

yeah me either. I have been clean from opiates and benzos since easter. I still drink once a week if not more and smoke occasionally. I am having a real hard time just being happy with school and well my life things are great yet I feel like I want to destroy what I have and just say fuck it disappear and score a few grams of h and just stop clenching my teeth and feel that warmth wash over me. If I do that I know there is no coming back though, I will die no doubt about that.

I go to meetings alot also [na aa] I kinda like um truthfully. Come midweek it is alot better than getting fucked up. The only thing about meetings around here is there is SOO many hot soccer moms that lay into me pretty hard and than ask me to get coffee than the next thing you know I am fucking them in there driveway. That has fucked up alot of meetings for me, but I didnt do it they did it, right, ha yeah ok. Truthfully that is one of the biggest reasons I continue to go to meetings the nice comfort of repetitive people. Getting to know what they are really about. I will say it really makes me wonder about some of these chicks husbands and what they aren't giving them. Some of these ppl really surprise me and some are more fuct up than me if you can believe that.

Anyways I could go on and on and on about that subject but I dont. I dont look for it either.

Glad to see your trying miss mia, I am too. School is totally foreign to me also and I could probably write a book about the strange ways I feel toward that. Hope to see you post again.

peace.
seedless

 

[Legerity]

I think Lolie speaks the truth - AA/NA is not equipped to deal with many of the difficulties you are going through. But there are other sources of support; psychotherapy has been a huge help to me and if you find the right person it can really change you for the better. If these are the reasons for your drug use, then by working on them it should become easier and easier to stay clean. You don't seem to be happy with your current level of use, but if you got off heroin that's a huge accomplishment. so look at how much you've accomplished.

I also go through period of feeling socially awkward and disconnected from others. It's painful but by learning social skills and building confidence it's possible to work through this. After I left AA/NA I decided I needed to replace it with new friends, it's been so satisfying working through fears and initiating more contact with other people.

So don't think you're alone in how you feel, a lot of people do understand.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

Well, first off I think it's great that you've been off the heroin for so long. Four months is really really amazing. You might still feel like shit but you have to know that you've done well, and are doing well. So good job.

As to the other problems... Well, first of all your boyfriend. It sounds to me like this is a fairly temporary thing and he'll get though it. I've never dealt with my mum walking out, but I am a man and I know how I deal with other problems in my life, and it's pretty much just as he's doing. Men and women deal with their shit in very different ways and I think, if he's anything like me, he just wants a few days, a week maybe, to think things over for himself. This will be hard on you but it's absolutely not your fault and I imagine he will get back to normal pretty soon. I know you think you're being supportive but honestly I wouldn't try to talk to him about it too much until he initiates the conversation. Which he will, eventually, but only when he feels comfortable to do so, something you can't force. Just be patient, see it as an opportunity to study for your exam.

Second problem, alcohol and weed. Well, I'm a big user of both myself so I don't want to preach here, but again, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Everyone drinks for the wrong reasons every now and then. Last month I was going though some fairly serious financial problems. What I should have done is saved my money, talked to my parents and worked through it. Instead, what I actually did was to buy the cheapest alcohol I could (five litres of wine for six euros, FTW) and drank myself to sleep every night for a week so I wouldn't think about it. Does that make me a total fuck-up? No, not really, it just makes me human, just like you.

For me the only real problem with the alcohol is that your parents are being too strict. It is unrealistic to expect a former addict to go cold turkey from absolutely everything, all at once. No one works like that. Maybe you could talk to them and tell them that you're bored/feeling down and that wine makes you feel a little better. At least then if they catch you they'll be forewarned and won't be so pissed off. Then maybe you can feel a little less nervous when you drink (I imagine you're having to hide it at the moment).

The only truly gigantic problem that you mention is your user friends. I don't want to be a bastard, but I remember one of your older posts you said you relapsed for just that reason. That seems to be absolutely the number one danger right now and I would honestly just cut myself off from those friends as completely as possible. Don't take their calls, delete their numbers from your phone, ignore them in the street. Whatever, just STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM! Like I said, four months is really good, but you're still not quite out of the woods yet.

Keep your head down, try to work hard and accept that life will be shitty for a few more months. I'm sorry to be depressing but that's the truth of it. If you have to smoke a joint or drink some wine to get over that, then you're no different from anybody else going though a tough patch. You're studying, you're not using, you've got a fairly solid relationship. I'd say you're heading slowly uphill. It's hard and boring to be always walking upwards, but the view from the top will be amazing. Hold out for that. Good luck!

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I relapsed on heroin this weekend... the whole weekend was a mess, weed, alcohol, heroin... ugh.

I'm so pissed at myself for this but I'm trying to get over that and just focus on today, that I'm sober today and I can't change what happened in the past, only what happens in the future.

My boyfriend texted me late on Friday and said that he was done isolating and he wanted to see me, so that's solved I guess. But right now I'm scared. He smokes pot and I am going back to a sober living... I don't really care about the weed, but I need someone who is going to support me in being totally sober, and I guess I don't want to spend every night stoned.... I'm just worried that its going to come between our relationship.

 

[bagochina]

IME trying to get and stay clean with someone that still uses is setting yourself up for failure. Shit even forming relationships from rehab/meetings/whatever usually ends in some sort of use for me at least. That is something I figured out the hard way from previous treatment centers. There are always exceptions though.

Anyways good luck.

peace.
seedless

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I'm day four off heroin.

I have felt super depressed the last few days tho... I just have this depressed/anxcious feeling that is so strong it makes me feel sick in my stomach. Is that related to relapsing do you think?

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

^I get you don't worry.

Yeah, I think your right on... I still feel super depressed and anxcious, but I smoked weed Tuesday and drank Wednesday and I don't know if that's helping me or causing this feeling to continue...

I'm leaving my parents and going to a sober living on Sunday, which I'm OK with. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

[AgentSquish]

I can relate to feeling lost. Its tough getting sober, but its definitely worth it. DEFINITELY worth it. One of the things that really helped me get sober, was realizing the kind of person I was before I started drinking and using, and how badly I missed being like that. So care free, just spending the weekends with friends, driving around, blasting music in the car, no weed, alcohol, nothing! It was just really clean fun, plus not waking up with a hangover was a plus too lol. It took me a while, but I finally reached a point where I said enough was enough.

I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself, "You're better than this". Haven't had to go back since, and that was Feb 27th 2009.

You are on the right track for sure. And the whole relationship thing, it might be best to take a break, because if YOU are focused on getting sober, having someone in your life that uses, isn't going to help at all. I know its tough, but in the long run, it would be the best thing. Just hang in there, and know that people care about you. This crappy feeling you are experiencing, will go away. I promise.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Hey guys an update... still not doing so great...

I don't understand myself. I've been in another sober living for almsot three months now, and its OK, not great, but not horrible. My relationship with my parents is SO good... my mom has become my best friend, I don't think we have ever been as close as we are right now. Things have gotten a lot better with my Dad-- we started going to family therapy and I feel like he understands my eating disorder/addiction for the first time in twelve years and is really trying to be supportive. My boyfriend and I are doing amazing, I'm madly in love with him and we've worked out a lot of problems in the past couple months. We've been together for eight months now, and we're moving in together at the end of this month. I'm back in school and my parents are basically supporting me financially right now.

I found a great new therapist whom I love and I've been working with the same sponsor for almost six months and I completed a 60 page inventory and finished reading it to her a week ago,

I started drinking on the weekends about a month ago. It hasn't gotten out of hand-- I'm surprisingly good at controlling my alcohol use and I can stop at two cocktails/two glasses of wine/two beers pretty easily.

And then last Monday I started using heroin again. I don't know why--I was having the worst cravings all day and I kept fighting them. They would stop for a bit and then start up again, and I lost it in the early evening and went to go score. I used again on Wednesday and yesterday and today. And I've bee slamming it, something I don't do, I've always smoked it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Everything in my life is finally coming togther in a way I could never have hoped for, and I can't stop fucking it up. My boyfriend smokes pot but is also in recovery from heroin, and I've lied to him about using. He knows about Monday but I told him I wasn't going to do it again and he belived me. I feel horrible, I have honestly never lied to him. We met in rehab and he knows everything about it me, and for once in my life I have someone who loves me for who I am, not who they want me to be, and so I have never lied to him. Now that I have its weighing on my conscience so heavily right now.

I don't understand why I'm endangering losng everything that I have right now, but its SO HARD TO STOP USING HEROIN. I'm done with meth, whatever, I don't have cravings for that drug and I don't want it But heroin is another story. I just love it so much but I know there's a price to pay and even if I'm managng to put off paying that price right now, it will catch up to me,

I know that I need to tell my boyfriend tomorrow whats been going on, but a part of me doesn't want to because it still wants to use. I wish I had never done heroin, never walked down this path, but now I'm stuck on it. I hate addiction so much but I just don't know how to fight it right now, how to get myself to do the right thing, to stop using, to do anything GOOD right now and I hate myself for it. My parents are so terrifed of losing me again and my boyfriend loves me like no man ever has. I don't understand why I'm so selfish that I'm doing something that would stop me from being able to enter the real world and have an apartment again, be indepedent, finish school, and destroy all of those relationships and hurt them all so deeply if it continues.

I don't know what I'm really asking for right now, I just feel lost and hopeless and guilty and scared.

 

[Lolie]

Do you think that you might have lost the feeling that you have to keep trying hard precisely because shit is falling into place? That risking your current accommodation doesn't seem quite such a big deal when you're planning to move at the end of the month anyway? Have you got a bit too comfortable?

It sounds like this might not be the ideal time for you to leave the sober living facility. Is extending your stay there an option?

 

[cire113]

I'm so socially awkward and have a hard time making friends, and I feel like I don't even know how. What do I say to someone at my school? I feel so different from them, there's so much going on in my life, trying to attempt sobriety that I just don't want to share with a normal person.

fuck this is exactly how i feel!!!!!!


mrs wallace, there will come a time when u gotta realize that using just ONCE isnt an option..... like it will always lead back down to the same path of hell......

Ive been cleaning from opiates around 11 mo's i smoke weed, i sometimes get cravings but shit using just ONCE will START the cycle all over again......

FUCK i can relate to everything you said..... ADDICTION IS ONE HELL OF A MONKEY.....

I hope we both make it out

 

[bagochina]

I don't understand why I'm endangering losng everything that I have right now, but its SO HARD TO STOP USING HEROIN. I'm done with meth, whatever, I don't have cravings for that drug and I don't want it But heroin is another story. I just love it so much but I know there's a price to pay and even if I'm managng to put off paying that price right now, it will catch up to me,

For me at least there was a HUGE comfort in using heroin, I loved it to. Only after I was able to distance myself from use was I able to gradually say to myself, wtf was I thinking?! It is too easy for me to say I dont give a fuck about what is happening in my life and go out and cop h, way too easy. Truthfully I think about it just about every day and am still plagued with heroin/dope dreams. This time of year is a bit harder for me. Sometimes I try to convince myself, oh just go pick up a few bags but thankfully those thoughts are getting easier and easier to dismiss but lately they start to roll into ahh fuck getting dope I will just pick up a few pills. WHAT!?

I really am surprised I have made it this far, this is the longest I have been clean since I was 15'ish [from opiates] 10.5 months or so [34 now, ugh]. I know using once probably wont cause me to much trouble but it just opens the door for me to do it again and again. No Thanks.

I am sure you know what you need to do, stop using and keep trying to move on. It sounds like you have a good support team, use it. Tell them how bad you are craving and scared you might use or shit tell them you used if it wont fuck shit up to much. If it continues deal with it or maybe get on a opiate blocker or as a last result maybe suboxone. Which would be alot better than ending up dead from a shot of dope.

peace.
seedless

 

[*=Regulator=*]

It sounds like you might be self-sabotaging your life because things are falling into place. For some fucked up reason, happiness (or a chance at it) can be a very scary thing to people who are used to being miserable.

I used to get into this spiral where I'd see a shrink and start to get my shit together and just when things were getting to the point where I could start to really work on my issues, I'd wig out, stop seeing the therapist and start abusing drugs again. Part of it was a self-esteem thing where I didn't think I deserved to be happy. Is that an issue for you?

Talk these things through with your therapist and see if you can get some insight into these self-destructive tendencies. It's great that you have a therapist you can relate to. It's massively important and really gives you powerful tools to get better.

Good luck

 

[bogmancometh]

Hang in there!

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Thanks guys, I agree with a lot of what your saying. My boyfriend was talking to me a while ago and saying his psychiatrist said that only time keeps you clean, because just using once "unlocks the beast" which is so true. If I can get off it for even a week I know I can look back on it with more clarity and see it isn't worth it... but right now its like, I used yesterday, why not use today?

I think that I'm not used to being happy...im usually in miserable relationships and using drugs constantly, obviously not happy. But its really hard for me to end relationships with people I used with. My best friend during my using days is really the only person that I feel like takes care of me.. I am always the care-taker, and in part I know she just takes care of me because she's constantly handing me drugs, but when it seems like I have no friends, its hard not to go back to her. I love my boyfriend but more than anything I want a FEMALE best friend. Didn't think I would ever say that because I tend to hate women, but I really miss that feeling of having a girl bff to go to when I'm upset.

I've thought seriously about going on an opiate blocker... have any of you guys tried it? Will suboxone help with cravings? i feel like I just need something to help me deal with them, because I can resist them, but it seems like they are just relentless and refuse to go away.

I know that I really need to reach out for help right now, because I've been keeping whats been going on this last week inside, and I have a therapsit I can talk to who can't tell anyone whats going on... so I need to use that. And come clean to my bf. But I feel an emarbarssment because of my continous relapses, even if I do pull myself together quickly, and now about being dishonsest to him about whats going on.

 

[*=Regulator=*]

As I'm sure you know, relapses tend to be inevitable. Most addicts go through several before recovering. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

I think maintenance drugs like Methadone or Suboxone can be very useful to stabilise someone who is spiraling out of control but they can be a problem in and of themselves. It's easy to get on maintenance but it can be really tough to get off. I think you might have the strength to get through this without going through maintenance but only you know that.

Really use your support network - come clean to your BF, let him know how you feel and let him give you the support you need to not use again today. As you said, after that it's just a matter of time. I think if you can break the pattern now, you can get that structure back and settle into some happiness when you move in with your BF.

Is there any chance of reaching out to your estranged best friend and saving the relationship? Most people will react favourably to a genuine attempt to reconcile differences. On the other hand, it sounds like she's still using drugs so maybe it's not the best idea to spend time with her.

Mia, you have a lot of positive things in your life; your boyfriend, family, shrink and lots of other things I'm sure. Maybe focus on those things instead of beating yourself up for being human and sweating the negatives?