you dont have to turn back the clock, that would leave you with a lot less know how. there is time, as a friend or foe its there, just know that 5 years from now, you may be saying the same thing, and you dont have to.
3 days till the pain clinic; im in w/d and hurting like a mofo from pain & w/d's now.
i am terrified, this can not be happening, happening for ever and progressing... it is...
in a rapid conversation with my dad, he agreed 1/2 fraudulently that my death would in reality be easier for everyone eventually... it would, unless i win the lottery or make it somehow extraordinarily... i want to go to the psychward, but there is nothing they an give me to make me reason with myself.
i dont know if anything will happen at the PC, i have multiple chronic pain diagnosis's, and the most painful undiagnosed, just perpetual since a med reaction... the only thing that helps, are opioids, i use them minimally and responsibly - the same dosage for months now.
i cant tell them that, they wouldnt believe me, and it would just be the last thing i should say.
but im dead serious. i can not stand this, and i can not continue self medicating. i need help in the form of morphine derivatives, so sue me! i wish i could sue remicaid, or at least of never gone in and taken that drug. yeah i want to go back in time and not take that, just decide not to go... and not feel my ribs bubble burst and burn all damn day and night, and organs be yanked by a steel threads and chains etc.
something must come of this.
10 more years i give it, then thats it. who knows what devastation will of been caused in my family by that time; as far as finances and emotions. 10 more years of this, i would hope my family knew it was just obnoxious and cruel by that point. why?!? i think physicians in oregon can perform euthanasia on qualifying people/patients - and by that time i will of been a patient enough.
lovely music, some family, diactyl-morphine drip with ketamine, valium, mmj, and dilauded for 3 days - then the last push off to sleep.