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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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Pillthrill doesn't take meds. Gets unstable. Self-injures. Has hospital trip. Thinks painful, horrible thoughts. There are threats of inpatient and that WILL NOT be happening.
 
^ Then how 'bout just taking the meds? :)

I take mine religiously for that very reason. The idea of being put into a psychiatric hospital by court order doesn't exactly appeal to me.
 
^ I know, I've been there. Both voluntarily and otherwise! But it was the sheer boredom that I hated most.
 
UH its the lock down, trapped feeling.
I'm taking the meds, the bf reminds me and things are getting better.
He says I act more like myself, and I had a GOOD happy day today.
He is sleeping and I wanna go wake him up and say, be awake with me and my happiness. haha
 
I'm working on it. Actually WE are working on it. BF is very supportive. Hell, no one wants ANYONE to be like that!
 
I've been creeping around the Bluelight forums for a while, and lately this thread especially. For a little background for those of you that are interested, I'm 22, I have ADHD (combined subtype) and what seems to be the "O" symptoms of OCD (without any really noticeable compulsive behaviors to relieve the anxiety). I've been drunk basically throughout 2009 with the exception of short periods of time when I've been on other drugs that are dangerous to mix with booze, those either being abused (H, OC's, benzos, etc.) and also drugs given to me by my shrink (mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, atypical anti-psychotics, etc.) But for the most part, I've drank a ton this year and have made an ass of myself more than I care to remember ... more than I can remember.

I think about suicide every day. I've come to the point where there was one time, recently, where I decided to do it. I woke up at my friends house covered in vomit and remembered, you know, those embarrassing, previous-night-drunk, brief flashes of memory. I had enough of those mornings waking up not knowing why I was there. I drove home, wrote a note to my family ("it's not your fault, I had to go, I'm sorry, please live happily, it's not your fault, I love each of you ..."), cried the most tears I ever have, then scrounged all around my room for pills that would mix fatally with the $6 liter of storebrand vodka I had. As it turned out, I'd left the 30 Xanax I had left over my friend's house the previous night. If I had them, all that vodka and Xanax would've knocked out my 135 lbs ass cold and killed me. I wouldn't be typing this.

I have this thing, this terrible curse I developed in my mind, where I become convinced that I have some kind of terrible disease/disorder (the disease/disorder changes every few months or so, and each one seems even worse than the last), or I become convinced that some terrible nihilistic philosophy is absolutely true. I won't even get into the philosophies. I avoid them now, because I think my way into it. I avoid psychology articles because each time I read about a form of mental illness, by the time I'm done with the article I'm convinced that that's me to the fuckin' T! And I can't get it out of my head. It gets to the point where I might as well really have all these afflictions because I begin to practically feel and see the symptoms in myself. And it's hard to describe this problem to my shrink, "look, I think I've got this personality disorder" or something, because he'll ask why and I'll tell him why, and I'm afraid he'll say, "well, that sounds about right."

For example. My current obsession (self-obsession? narcissism? shit) these past few months: Anti-social Personality Disorder. It's a funny thing, because I wish no harm upon anyone, I'm never violent or offensive, I'm gentle and I enjoy making people feel good. I never like to make anyone feel bad or hurt. I want to connect with humans. But now I think so much that all emotion seems gone, numb, vacant. It's worse than you might think, because behind it is fear and hopelessness. Doom. I've thought the symptom of shallow affect into reality, in my head, and it's like I can't feel. No, I'm not an obsessive Dexter fan who watched some TV show and decided he was a sociopath. I LIKE psychology, I read about it, I come across symptoms on wikipedia and over weeks and months I think about it constantly. I torture myself. I've noticed narcissistic qualities about myself, I can't seem to feel connected to anyone anymore. I look for it. I notice things about my childhood that they say are "red flags"; pissing the bed, lighting fires, harming animals (only harmed an animal once, a squirrel. I recall feeling pretty bad about it).

I must sound so stupid because the idea of this being realistic defies all logic, but it remains in my head and I can't keep living like this. All the meds I've tried for obsessive thinking have had intolerable side effects. They made me feel even more like something was wrong with me. My shrink just keeps trying new meds. It's hopeless. Drinking is the only thing that helps. Not even opiates anymore, or benzo's. Alcohol is the only thing that gets me to laugh at myself and feel OK and not terrified of my own thought patterns.

When I tried to attempt suicide, it was because I was on my last nerve, I arrived at hopelessness, I was out of options. I know that feeling, that rationalization will dawn upon me again. I have felt the sting of having dozens of diseases and living in various hells, without any of it being real. I'm not crazy, I just can't stop thinking. It seems so logical to just drink myself to death. I guess I'm asking for help, because you guys seem very compassionate, and I appreciate that. I haven't felt happy while sober in about five years. It doesn't feel sensible not to drink all the time. Otherwise it's like I'm incapable of joy. Why live?
 
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Hello people... I'm just posting here to see about this thread.
It may come in handy, so I'm subscribing to it.

I'm going to get higher than a kite tonight with 115 Milligrams of Hydrocodone, two eighths of Chronic, and 600 Milligrams of Dramamine.

Hopefully it kills me in my sleep, then I won't be able to stop myself this time.
 
quarter ounce of weed in one night for one person is a lot of weed (kinda a waste also)

Whats goin' on, man. Anything you wanna talk about?
 
Eh... I have a high tolerance, and I'm hoping I OD.

I hate that I got into this stuff in the first place and I can't get out now.
I'm in a hole and God took my ladder.

My dog died yesterday from my neighbor throwing rat poison in my back yard.
My GF is sleeping with some 32 year old and I haven't told her I know.
I don't want to hurt her.

I'm the joke of my family... the lazy failure my mom shouldn't have had.


I'll just go to a field and die. A huge field so nobody has to clean the fucking mess.
 
Fuck, man... I'm sorry to hear about your dog and your GF doesn't sound too cool.

All this shit that hits us can be pretty hardcore and it seems like there can't possibly be an end to it. Dude, all this you are feeling right now is only temporary.

I remember planning to build a huge bonfire, grab a shotgun and blow my brains out. My logic was that the force would push my body into the flames, thus making a no mess situation. There is ALWAYS a mess. Whether its physical or emotional, there will be more of a mess than you can picture.

Emotionally, your family, friends and yes, even your gf will be forever scarred from such an act

It SUCKS to go through stuff like this but it DOES pass. It seems like forever but, eventually, it passes and you grow stronger from it and hopefully learn a little something from the pain.

I saw a pic you posted the other day. Is there any way you can get the firearms outta your house? Give them to a trusted friend?
 
Shit... I have more guns than a Texan.
I wouldn't trust them with anyone I know.

They'd just use the registrar to commit a crime in my name.
 
I hear ya, back in the day I considered guns 'opportunities'

Are you in school or anything like that?
 
I got kicked from college after THREE YEARS.
I would have graduated in 10 months but I got kicked.

Didn't show up because I was in the hospital and the college didn't accept absences over 2 weeks.
Not even for emergency room visits.
 
don't sweat that shit, man. You can always go back. Its taken me 21 years to get 32 credits.

Whats your major?
 
Pharmacy Technician.
It's a four year course.

Automotive Technician.
Also a four year.

Computer Technician.
Two year, graduated.

I'm majoring in three courses for the hell of it.
At least I have one major. And I'm still young.
 
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