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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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Damn! Smarter than me, man. I heard that Pharmacy school is tough (and tough to get into).

I dig computers and made some loot from working in the industry (spent it all on shooting coke) but got tired of the corporate bullshit and am headed to school in January to be an EMT. It seems that most EMTs have no compassion when responding to overdoses. I wanna be that dude who gives a shit about the junkie who just did too much.
 
Fuck dude. Do that EMT thing. I need a dude who fuckin' cares about the druggie.
Like I said... since I got into this shit my life has ran down the toilet.

I hope I can get back to regular life.
It's hard as HELL to stop Opiates, and moderately hard to stop cigarettes.
Easy to stop weed but I might stick to that since it has little bodily harm, and it's cheap.
 
I was a hard core IV coke fiend (moderate IV heroin) and I def agree. Its REAL tough to pull yourself outta that hole. I needed help and went to rehab. Shit, I would have never even made it into rehab if family didn't do all the work for me (fillin' out papers, making phone calls, etc).

I haven't touched anything but caffeine and nicotine in 122 days now. Its not easy at all at first but it does get easier. I wish I could just smoke weed but, for me, its just another escape. Its an enjoyable, harmless escape but for now I gotta face life head on. Maybe some day I'll be able to smoke recreationally but I don't see it happening any time soon.

Do you have a physical habit to opiates?

Oh, shit man, I find it HELLA hard to quit smoking! I wish it was only a moderately difficult thing to quit. Hats of to ya man, cigarettes are fuckin' pissing me off lately. Makes me feel weak that something that doesn't even get me high has so much control over me
 
My withdrawals to that shit are horrible... I can't stand stopping now.
Part of the withdrawal is a headache so bad that I would shoot myself just to stop it. Literally.

Another part is the sleepiness but can't get to sleep.
Aches, pains... etc. It's unbearable.

I'm too afraid to ask anyone for Methadone, because my family doesn't know about the addiction and don't want them to.
 
Can you get suboxone from streetside dealers? Methadone is HORRIBLE. Its even more difficult to get off of. I was told in rehab that methadone does something to your bone marrow as well
 
cool deal. the pain of withdrawal is necessary sometimes. i REALLY see this concerning my cigarette habit lately.

Shoot me a pm sometime. you seem like a cool dude
 
I don't think I have a mind that can experience pleasure or happiness. I mean that. It's hopeless.

I think if I had enough pills, I'd do it today.

If I didn't have the option of suicide, I would've lost my mind by now. It's some kind of relief.
 
I now understand those statistics that say you are more likely to kill yourself once you start feeling slightly better because suddenly the motivation is there.

I've been clean 8 months now and I'm in a weird place. I'm not thinking about suicide constantly, but when I do think about it, it seems like a logical option. I'm clean and I'm still unhappy. My parents trust me again and I am still unhappy. I'm working and I'm still unhappy. I really just don't want to continue being unhappy but I'm not sure what would change things.
 
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Heyy KC... IDK if you hate me, or in fact, IDK how you feel about me at all.
But if you want to talk, PM me and I will try to help.
 
BFRG6306 said:
Heyy KC... IDK if you hate me, or in fact, IDK how you feel about me at all.
But if you want to talk, PM me and I will try to help.
Click to expand...

ha, i do not hate you. you should no that by now. but I also don't really want to talk about. i appreciate the effort tho <3

ocean said:
^Do you find happiness in anything??
Find what does make you happy and go with it <3
Click to expand...


Not really now, unfortunately.

I hope to be taking classes to get my CADC come January, and I do really love school, so hopefully that will help... :\
 
Well... please don't hurt yourself KC.
You've really helped me, and I wanna help you in any way I can.

Besides... I'll miss you.
 
Im scared I overdosed on Vicodin... I'm about to throw up and shaking so hard.
I can't call ANYONE. I would rather DIE than let my family know.

I'm so scared...
 
*Note (if any were curious): BFRG6306's status now as an ex-bluelighter does NOT reflect that he went through with an extreme form of self-harm. At the same time, it also does not reflect that his words were anything but the truth either. They are best taken at face-value, as a story with ultimately an unknown ending.
 
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Seriously, I don't think I can live with this illness another day. It is hurting my loved ones and hurting me. I am completely unstable. I don't know what to do.
 
Your loved ones don't want you to die, and I don't think you want to die either (at least not every moment).

You can always be suicidal tomorrow if you live through today, but you cannot possibly be happy on any future day if you don't live through today.

Why not give it one more day? That's not exactly the sweetest-sounding advice, but it's true. Thinking on that, you still don't think you can live another day? How open are you to the idea of getting help at all costs before doing anything drastic? We don't want to see ya do anything bad to yourself. What exactly is it that feels unstable?

I know that a lot of the regulars on BL like you and wouldn't want to see you do anything to hurt yourself. And in your real life, if you think that your disease is harming people...I don't think that the lump sum of all of the "harm" that it causes could ever compare to the harm that you committing suicide would cause. Think about it. Those people would be ruined.

Stay strong...you are loved <3
 
Was having an argument with my dad in the kitchen, he said a lot of stuff that stung deep. i was holding a coffee bottle and put it down a little too hard and it shattered. he'd just brought it. i'd been fighting with my mom all morning. so dad gets mad, steps up in a rage, i grab a broken shard, try to slit my throat but his hand's around my neck and i cut his hand by accident. i cut my throat a bit. then im on the floor and he's kicking me. the cleaning lady in another room has turned off the vaccum, probably heard the scuffle. Now he's gone to get his hand stictched, im feeling like I always do, avoiding everyone, but i can't get away from my own self which is what i want more then anything else.

this was a relatively small and short incident. The past 7 or 8 years are full of this kinds of stuff. a rate of once a month on average. lots of blood, mostly mine, scuffles, accidents in the scuffles once or twice. hospital visits, psychiatrist visits, rehab, unchanging attitude of family. i've tried, hard. i haven't done anything other then hash for a year now and that too on and off and very low amounts every time. don't take any meds anymore. they make my life normal, but for me it's a big big bad thing... do i need meds to live a normal life ? isn't there any other way?

from time to time i think, all the shit is over now. im studying at a good place, im smart, intelligent, lots of talent, self esteem better then it has been in a long time. but my mind is always against me. I can't function with people, i make friends then lose them and don't attempt to fix things with anyone. let things slide. they keep sliding. im tired of this.. don't really know what to do or even if i want to do anything.
 
Hi spacenomad,

If you perpetually cannot get along with your family members, regardless of whose fault it ultimately is, it might be a good idea to try and seriously space yourself from them. You say that you are studying at a good place. Are you also living there (and now are just home for a break or something)? If not, would it be possible for you to move into a dorm or an apartment in that area?

On another front, what medication(s) have you tried to combat these feelings? Were you any better on them? Again, sometimes it really does take a lot of searching to find one that works. As well, do NOT let the idea of taking psychiatric medication cast a "weak" shadow on your character or your intelligence. It's not like that at all.

If you can swing it financially, I think you would do great getting a place of your own (even if it means debt now, debt is better than death). In such an environment, the positives you listed (being intelligent with lots of talents) can take over your life, and you can set the pace for how fast you want to try and build up a social life.

The fact that you're willing to talk to people on here indicates that you just cannot function with people in real life, but could if it were possibly easier (possibly more like online). I think a lot of us think this way, and to an extent by finding the right people, it's possible. You have not yet, but that's to say that you won't.

What you describe as being the average family experience (that is, what you provided via your story) is far from acceptable. I think that with a bit of time in an environment over which you have a bit more control, and perhaps some medical help regarding finding a medication and/or some behavioral therapy, you'd be a heck of a lot better. Families are tough, sure, and my relations with my own are far from ideal (and neither or either side is to blame). But if you can at least gain control of your end, then it's really only their decision to make chances to meet in the middle with you. A lot you might have to work toward, but you can accomplish this.

Sorry again to hear about tonight's incident. But why not just make it the last bad one in 7 or 8 years, instead of the trigger for walking the plank? If you want to talk about anything, literally anything, this forum (and not just this thread) will be here for ya. Keep going man.
 
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