TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[AutoTripper]

I have actually been extremely near on this recent months.

Not exactly practical plot and vision, decision of execution.

But ponderances in that direction though in extremist moments.

Thing is I am a woos, like idea of example of <edited out methods - SMod> petrify me.




A real posh town leading private education "i.e. mega bucks, unless one v few high entrance exam scores on low family means, called a " Bursary place". Great thing lol. Fully free fees, bus pass, dinners "

"Bedford Modern School" was called we wore blazers ties everything, posh clubbers. Strict! Top boff posh. I was only man fully off it by 96 final 2 years. Every day at school on another moon.


Anyway. Nice but messed head boy my year age 16, one day <snip>

Was a huge shock to whole school.

But ever since then I guess I always saw that as the only conceivable consideration for me.

I don't run a car though!

And fuck jumping into a cold river.




Regardless. I am convinced it cannot lead to a better, easier, less painful experience to fully culpably end your own life.

As fucked up as it gets.

Tell me for sure this isn't so, the equation changes possibly.

 

[AutoTripper]

I got banned from reddit because I told ppl to try smoking weed instead of killing themselves

Hi. Try adding kava alongside your herb maybe, if you haven't already done so?

Some clear plain info here in case. Be free to ask more.

Ethnobotanicals - Has anyone ever tried Kava?

I've seen this drink called kava or kava kava being advertised online, it seems to be legal in most countries around the world. Apparently it is a natural alternative to xanax and benzos and is pretty potent. Has anyone ever tried it? Apparently it affects GABA receptors and is a MAO B enzyme...

bluelight.org

 

[Flynnal]

I got banned from reddit because I told ppl to try smoking weed instead of killing themselves

Weird. I thought Reddit (I mean, Retarddit) was better than that. I think it's a good idea to delete my account there someday. Too many arsehats on there. I get kicked out of subs for silly nonsensical reasons. Mods on power trips, even the Suicidewatch sub on there is run by some rabid bitch mod.

 

[deficiT]

I guess I need to start admitting to myself that I've had some serious ideation lately. I don't know why. I guess I'm just tired of being here.

It kind of took a turn for the worse tonight, I had a belt set up around me and everything but the door probably wouldn't hold me and isn't tall enough. So I let my feet up, felt the intense pressure but knew that my survival instinct would kick in eventually and I'd put my feet down, so I merely like half way lost consciousness.

I guess it'd be a pretty dick move to kill myself on mother's day, but could be apropos seeing as how that dumb bitch started all this.

 

[BourbonMac]

I've tried strangulation, it's a lot harder than you'd think. But yeah... it does suck to have a mind that tends to these kinds of thoughts. I've been teetering for months and I'm supposed to be 30 in December, a week before Christmas, and I'm constantly realizing that there is a pretty solid chance I won't make it. All it'd take is something extremely bad happening on top of what I already deal with to push me over the edge, like the death of someone very important to me.

 

[deficiT]

I've tried strangulation, it's a lot harder than you'd think. The few times I tried to strangle myself with a cord I just passed out instead. But yeah... it does suck to have a mind that tends to these kinds of thoughts. I've been teetering for months and I'm supposed to be 30 in December, a week before Christmas, and I'm constantly realizing that there is a pretty solid chance I won't make it. All it'd take is something extremely bad happening on top of what I already deal with to push me over the edge, like the death of someone very important to me.

Well I pray you make it homie, stay strong. And don't be afraid to reach out if you need to. I am also 30 and realizing I've wasted so much of my life. And it seems like my needs for contentment will never be met.

I thought I had gotten over this, but the intrusive thoughts have been powerfully manipulating me recently. Idk what's wrong with me.

 

[AutoTripper]

Well, I try to steer round pity (pity-separate to "care", being understood just personally is the best therapy for me personally)



But I CAN empathise with you all & you two guys above @BourbonMac @deficiT


I came so near myself to such measure.


So it's absolutely final. Therefore serious decision.

Just me in world, np. But I love my dog too much idea of her missing me not understanding hurts me too much.

And my mum too but the whole agro and stress, legally of a deceased plus money!

Plus whatever may lay around your vicinity if old bill investigate.



Still, I was hellbent. I tripped on 250 mics acid Saturday night as a shock treatment to regain my sight, and some will.


It worked! For now. Really v physically sick though result recent sheer bad luck accident. Hence declined mental state.


But acupuncture is booked for 2 hrs time. Showered. Still elsewhere lol. Those treatments though from any legit pro Chinese doctor really change how you feel, physically and emotionally.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I guess I need to start admitting to myself that I've had some serious ideation lately. I don't know why. I guess I'm just tired of being here.

It kind of took a turn for the worse tonight, I had a belt set up around me and everything but the door probably wouldn't hold me and isn't tall enough. So I let my feet up, felt the intense pressure but knew that my survival instinct would kick in eventually and I'd put my feet down, so I merely like half way lost consciousness.

I guess it'd be a pretty dick move to kill myself on mother's day, but could be apropos seeing as how that dumb bitch started all this.

Jesus deficit. I don't know what the answer is for you but living like this is just not good. I know you are off all your meds ( the ones that were helping like the ADHD ones and the lyrica ) because you weren't in MD anymore and were in VA. So maybe getting a local Dr. and some refills on your old meds will help.

Hate seeing these kinds of posts. You know how I feel about ya. How the hell do you think we will feel if you go through with this. I'll tell ya how I would feel. It would absolutely break my heart.

 

[deficiT]

Jesus deficit. I don't know what the answer is for you but living like this is just not good. I know you are off all your meds ( the ones that were helping like the ADHD ones and the lyrica ) because you weren't in MD anymore and were in VA. So maybe getting a local Dr. and some refills on your old meds will help.

Hate seeing these kinds of posts. You know how I feel about ya. How the hell do you think we will feel if you go through with this. I'll tell ya how I would feel. It would absolutely break my heart.

I know and it makes me feel like shit every time I consider it. I just feel so lacking in willpower and fortitude at points and it's like I'm not in control of myself, idk maybe it's just like a self harm thing.

But I love you for always having my back. Got a day full of mulching and mowing and weedeating til 5 o clock. Hopefully shouldn't be too bad.

 

[deficiT]

And I got me a paycheck today which is a good thing

 

[AutoTripper]

I know and it makes me feel like shit every time I consider it. I just feel so lacking in willpower and fortitude at points and it's like I'm not in control of myself, idk maybe it's just like a self harm thing.

But I love you for always having my back. Got a day full of mulching and mowing and weedeating til 5 o clock. Hopefully shouldn't be too bad.

It's a test mate is it not?

I realised I see that keeping spirit, counts and determines immeasurably.


I had abandoned all will to live, interest in, bear for anything involving consciousness.

I lost my spirit and sight with it.


Hence my hardly a gamble "spirit molecule" they say right? Electric shock treatment to re-gather that spirit.


Anyway. I swear those treatments alone if anybody struggling can access, truly improve outlook so much


And general body feeling/function which eases stress.



Ideally, it wants 2, or 3 acupuncture & their acupressure massage but from no 1 it's instantaneous.



Just wanna offer "alternatives".

 

[deficiT]

It's a test mate is it not?

I realised I see that keeping spirit, counts and determines immeasurably.


I had abandoned all will to live, interest in, bear for anything involving consciousness.

I lost my spirit and sight with it.


Hence my hardly a gamble "spirit molecule" they say right? Electric shock treatment to re-gather that spirit.


Anyway. I swear those treatments alone if anybody struggling can access, truly improve outlook so much


And general body feeling/function which eases stress.



Ideally, it wants 2, or 3 acupuncture & their acupressure massage but from no 1 it's instantaneous.



Just wanna offer "alternatives".

Yeah man, I think I'd prefer some DMT therapeutic treatment over acupuncture lmao. Maybe I should just get in the zone and dive into that, have a fresh restart.

 

[BourbonMac]

This is what I've been doing, DMT 3-4 times a week, but unfortunately it isn't the remedy I hoped for. It does help me get out of a funk for awhile but then I wake up the next day back to square one.

 

[AutoTripper]

Yeah man, I think I'd prefer some DMT therapeutic treatment over acupuncture lmao. Maybe I should just get in the zone and dive into that, have a fresh restart.

That's it bro. Nobody ever actually told us, WHICH avenue we will take.

Hop skip jump ziggging & zapping at times can reveal a fresh angle or open a few extra inches wiggle room.

I see life like a chess match or dice roll v often myself. Or a lotto draw! Lol.


I have always emphasised to people incl my dog, no no matter what, however it seems, don't give up.

The times I so nearly did, like waiting for the rain to stop convinced it won't ever, but somehow being deterred/dissuaded from irreparable activity.....


And thanked my graces when blue skies appead unexpectedly.

It's such a test. So it can't just be a lose lose surely I tell myself.

Maybe even some kind of little prize to be found.


Right now I still have a decent chance of life. I see that as a prize.


Lots time, treatment and focus needed but if I can put a certain degree of baseline pain and sickness behind me in physical sense, I'll try.


I only persuse giving up when it's too hard to keep rowing with no shore in sight, nor memory of the lands behind me.


That DMT of yours sounds a worthy plan! Because for start, the positive intention in it.

I'm trying to be more mindful of intentions, which manifest ofc.

The situation has been out of my own hands though, physically without all luck in the world so far and enough corrective treatment to upright me again.


Still rolling my dice though lol & never taking much for granted.


Take care bro. The book's not finished yet. Our shame shadows ourselves at times too.

Self forgiveness and agreement to try and move forward with will, providing there is a worthwhile way.

 

[Senior Moderator]

This is what I've been doing, DMT 3-4 times a week, but unfortunately it isn't the remedy I hoped for. It does help me get out of a funk for awhile but then I wake up the next day back to square one.

Maybe just do it once a week instead of a few times a week. I absolutely love DMT, like, way too much. I went through a short period about 10 years ago where I had an unlimited supply of it so I was doing it every night, delving deeper and deeper in to DNA of the cosmos and exploring the DMT kingdom each time. It was wonderful, so enlightening and mind-opening, so incredibly beautiful, a journey I looked forward to every day. But after a couple of months of doing this, it eventually started to become dark. Darker and darker. The DMT spirits/beings were not so welcoming anymore, and instead of enveloping me with their infinite love and beauty like they normally did, they were basically telling me to fuck off out of their kingdom and chasing me out.

So I took a long break from DMT after that.

It is an amazing substance that can bring us a lot of healing and insight, but it also deserves and demands respect

 

[BourbonMac]

I'll have to wait for my friend to make more so I only have 1 breakthrough or 2 strong trips. I appreciate the insight, I guess I'll only get there if I get there. Being in the state I'm in I just hardly care how self-destructive it might be at this point which I know is a stupid choice to make. Sometimes I'll do shrooms knowing I'll have a bad trip because I feel like I have to, like I deserve it or something.

 

[deficiT]

I'll have to wait for my friend to make more so I only have 1 breakthrough or 2 strong trips. I appreciate the insight, I guess I'll only get there if I get there. Being in the state I'm in I just hardly care how self-destructive it might be at this point which I know is a stupid choice to make. Sometimes I'll do shrooms knowing I'll have a bad trip because I feel like I have to, like I deserve it or something.

Sounds like you got some self sabotage going on there. I sometimes have felt the same way with DMT and mushrooms. Just knowing that my psyche needs a good ass whooping to set me straight and I dive right in. It usually does. Not always the best choice though. Set and setting can really fuck you up if it takes a negative turn. So just try your best to be gentle with yourself. You've only got one mind and body, I know those self destructive thought loops can be hard to deal with, but just try reaching out to a friend when you feel yourself wading into the deep end.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

I'll have to wait for my friend to make more so I only have 1 breakthrough or 2 strong trips. I appreciate the insight, I guess I'll only get there if I get there. Being in the state I'm in I just hardly care how self-destructive it might be at this point which I know is a stupid choice to make. Sometimes I'll do shrooms knowing I'll have a bad trip because I feel like I have to, like I deserve it or something.

I just wanted to send you some support, let you know you’re seen heard & matter. I wish I had better words (I’ve been going through PTSD episodes lately so I have an exhausted foggy brain rite now if that makes any sense) but yea just wanted to share my support & empathy
You’re not alone
Many blessings

 

[BourbonMac]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I have C-PTSD so I can relate to the brain fog that can come with it, it's shitty.

And yeah deficiT, it's kind of self-sabotage. I mean saying it's to "punish myself" isn't entirely accurate. It's more like, I want to draw out all of this negative energy and have it shoved into my face to make me realize how much I need to change, how much I need more help, better people in my life, etc. I've done DMT on all of those bad trips and it really changed the trajectory. One night after a series of bad arguments with my mother I called her up and apologized in probably the most sincere way I ever have. We have had our issues but I was saying some really fucked up things that were totally outside myself. I've really seen myself turn into a monster at times due to mental illness and that seems to only get worse with time, as my current struggles continue to go on, etc. If I manage to get myself out of this it'd be the greatest redemption arc of my entire life.

 

[AutoTripper]

Sounds like you got some self sabotage going on there. I sometimes have felt the same way with DMT and mushrooms. Just knowing that my psyche needs a good ass whooping to set me straight and I dive right in. It usually does. Not always the best choice though. Set and setting can really fuck you up if it takes a negative turn. So just try your best to be gentle with yourself. You've only got one mind and body, I know those self destructive thought loops can be hard to deal with, but just try reaching out to a friend when you feel yourself wading into the deep end.

I've spotted this vs many though relatively minor kamikaze trend in yourself bro, which I almost feel as if I can see you forever reeling in like a fishing rope (by forever I mean every time, challenge not.... 365.


Hence my attempts at times to encourage in you a shed more optimism in outlook.

You've pulled yourself out of the depths enough times I'm sure.