TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[Glidingferret]

I'm so sorry to hear about your gf mate, that's terrible. Well you have our support, and feel free to reach out to one of us here if you are depressed. Personally I've struggled with suicidal ideation for most of my life, so I know how difficult it can be.

But please don't do anything drastic, you only have this one life, this one opportunity. You can recover and live a full, happy life. Depression is a sickness and you're not well. But you can get better. Do the little things you enjoy in life, and try not to take life so seriously. I know it's hard but exercise and a good diet can help as well.

Again, please reach out if you're struggling, we're here for you.

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate your advice as well.

 

[thegreenhand]

‘The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.’

 

[whats.kracken]

I think the intrusive thoughts are starting to get to me again. Like, they’re always there but not usually this prominent in mind. It’s the trains, the buses, the cars, the knives, just everything sets me off in one way or another, and I’ve been thinking about cutting again a lot more frequently. Like the thoughts, it’s always kinda in the back of my mind but it’s pushing it’s way to the front again like popular kids in a lunch queue. I’m almost two years clean and the need to see my own blood and feel the sting is is getting stronger and stronger every day and I’m getting too weak to resist.

 

[deficiT]

I think the intrusive thoughts are starting to get to me again. Like, they’re always there but not usually this prominent in mind. It’s the trains, the buses, the cars, the knives, just everything sets me off in one way or another, and I’ve been thinking about cutting again a lot more frequently. Like the thoughts, it’s always kinda in the back of my mind but it’s pushing it’s way to the front again like popular kids in a lunch queue. I’m almost two years clean and the need to see my own blood and feel the sting is is getting stronger and stronger every day and I’m getting too weak to resist.

You are far stronger than you might lead yourself to believe.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I think the intrusive thoughts are starting to get to me again. Like, they’re always there but not usually this prominent in mind. It’s the trains, the buses, the cars, the knives, just everything sets me off in one way or another, and I’ve been thinking about cutting again a lot more frequently. Like the thoughts, it’s always kinda in the back of my mind but it’s pushing it’s way to the front again like popular kids in a lunch queue. I’m almost two years clean and the need to see my own blood and feel the sting is is getting stronger and stronger every day and I’m getting too weak to resist.

This happens to me whenever I have extremely bad anxiety, which occurs maybe once a month on average? It's almost impossible to stop the intrusive thoughts huh. But as long as you never actually act on them, you'll be golden. You get stronger at it every time you resist an urge to act on a thought. And always remember, they are just thoughts. There is a barrier between thoughts and actions, and that is your CHOICE. Your choice is very powerful, and the more you practice putting that barrier between your thoughts and your actions, the stronger the barrier will become. Does that make sense? You've got this mate

 

[dragonix]

Running will help your mood, I guarantee it

I gotta get back into replace these vapes with it they hurt my mental health I see it but it hasn't stopped me yet.

I am teetering on the verge of a bad binge having them in my possession and that bridge might come back to mind if that happens

 

[dragonix]

I shouldn't do that think the worst will happen

This is randomly playing on my hydramini bluetooth speaker now so glad i bought her yesterday way better than phone speaker

 

[thegreenhand]

Just wrote a suicide note. the last few days have been my lowest so far.

i wouldnt be able to actually go through with it, I think.

“God gave you what you can handle”

 

[n3ophy7e]

Just wrote a suicide note. the last few days have been my lowest so far.

i wouldnt be able to actually go through with it, I think.

“God gave you what you can handle”

Writing suicide notes can be very cathartic. I've certainly written quite a few in my time. Mostly when very intoxicated, mind you.
One psychologist actually said to me something that has always stuck with me: (something to the sentiment of) It's okay to fantasise about ending your life. It can be comforting to know that you have the option if you really need it, and idealising about it can give you a mental "holiday" from all of your distress.

In my opinion it's when you actually start making plans to end your life, when you should be concerned. Do you feel like you're at that point?

 

[thegreenhand]

Writing suicide notes can be very cathartic. I've certainly written quite a few in my time. Mostly when very intoxicated, mind you.
One psychologist actually said to me something that has always stuck with me: (something to the sentiment of) It's okay to fantasise about ending your life. It can be comforting to know that you have the option if you really need it, and idealising about it can give you a mental "holiday" from all of your distress.

In my opinion it's when you actually start making plans to end your life, when you should be concerned. Do you feel like you're at that point?

Hmm that’s an interesting perspective from your psychologist. It was indeed cathartic in a sense

I don’t feel I’m at that point. Any plans are very transient, like “I think I’ll jump” but not having a particular bridge picked out or “maybe an overdose would work” but not actually having drugs I could OD on, e

idk if that constitutes plans but that’s sorta where I’m at

gonna try to sleep now though. thank you, n3o

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hmm that’s an interesting perspective from your psychologist. It was indeed cathartic in a sense

I don’t feel I’m at that point. Any plans are very transient, like “I think I’ll jump” but not having a particular bridge picked out or “maybe an overdose would work” but not actually having drugs I could OD on, e

idk if that constitutes plans but that’s sorta where I’m at

gonna try to sleep now though. thank you, n3o

Yep I know what you mean, I have been there before, many times. I am always here if you need to talk to someone who understands, please just PM me any time

 

[deficiT]

Just wrote a suicide note. the last few days have been my lowest so far.

i wouldnt be able to actually go through with it, I think.

“God gave you what you can handle”

I've definitely been there. When I was in jail coming off days of acid and meth, I had an entire elaborate scheme planned out, I had a gram of heroin in my mailbox I was gonna write a note and leave it on my door, and take an overdose. I've only felt so positive and certain about ending it a couple other times. It was freeing in a fucked up way. Ultimately I had a hard fought epiphany in there that I truly want to live, to do right, and to be happy, and I couldn't disrespect my parents like that, it would be simply awful to do that to them and I've come to realize how much I mean to them and how much worry I've put them through.

They really are the best people, I'm blessed to have them and I'm making it a point to live better to try and make them proud.

 

[thegreenhand]

I've definitely been there. When I was in jail coming off days of acid and meth, I had an entire elaborate scheme planned out, I had a gram of heroin in my mailbox I was gonna write a note and leave it on my door, and take an overdose. I've only felt so positive and certain about ending it a couple other times. It was freeing in a fucked up way. Ultimately I had a hard fought epiphany in there that I truly want to live, to do right, and to be happy, and I couldn't disrespect my parents like that, it would be simply awful to do that to them and I've come to realize how much I mean to them and how much worry I've put them through.

They really are the best people, I'm blessed to have them and I'm making it a point to live better to try and make them proud.

Yeah I couldn’t do that to my family either. It’s hard because even if I try to explain what I’m going through they either don’t understand or don’t know what to do. I know they want to help though and they do care

 

[stardust10]

I tried to hang myself once and instantly regretted it, panicked as I hadn't thought it through properly but managed to get back on the chair so I half arsed it really and thank fuck I did as So glad I never now, it's both scary and amazing how things can change, I feel like I have a future now and can handle it (fingers crossed). Then I wanted to not feel that way at the time and was in a desperate state and felt like everyone would be better off without me/hated me/I'm a burden etc. I've had that feeling strong once since and had to have a heart to heart with myself and remind myself the hurt it would cause. Plus I've not been allowing myself to enjoy things and we all deserve to shine and feel good about ourselves even if it's just for ourselves... and the hard times can help us build resilience.
I still have to work on my self esteem cause I literally hate myself in social situations as I find it difficult or feel like a clown or something that can't hold a conversation/interesting enough/can't communicate properly etc... basically insecure but through making some hard decisions to change myself into trying to live and be less selfish rather than just existing and being less independent, I feel like it has payed off and took the edge off my chaotic mind. I wrote a few notes. Never spoke to anyone at the time but I should have. If it happens again I'm phoning a local charity instead of my other plan - put positive plans in place for when you feel like that when you can, like a battle be tactical and think ahead for the time you may not feel able so that it's easier to remember. Pictures of things and happy times that don't make you sad around your house may help.
Life can be horrible and people can hurt us etc especially those we love but it's also precious and shorter than we may think... so i see it as may as well make the most of it now...
Literally could get hit by a truck tomorrow, and there was a time I would have welcomed that - not now though! And I'll bet the same will apply to you in the near future! Stay with us, this place is a trip.
I was depressed and didn't want to have people who care and sometimes still don't but that's bullshit and I need to cherish them - they are my life in a way and they want to see us happy for a reason: they love us and would miss us.
I hope I've not blabbered on too much and have been of some value lol.
If they don't understand or anything like that talk to someone else you can trust that understands or has even been through similar? Is there any charity's around you that are able to help?

 

[dragonix]

Not trying to hurt myself but these drugs I keep on using bug me out so bad dude I have taken myself to the ER twice in the past year and a half thinking it was over had also thought it was ending other times just had to let go and tune into the spiritual

 

[n3ophy7e]

Not trying to hurt myself but these drugs I keep on using bug me out so bad dude I have taken myself to the ER twice in the past year and a half thinking it was over had also thought it was ending other times just had to let go and tune into the spiritual

Do you know why you're doing this? I mean, a lot of us have plenty of reasons that we do self-destructive things, but is it something that you're aware of? Do you want to actually stop the self-destruction?

 

[gibberish-noise]

few weeks ago i was thinking about joining the military, was planning on getting in shape and all that, even did a workout for the first time in months. surprisingly could do 60 push ups in two minutes. strange little beast named hope. my amorphous fog-shaped future began to solidify before my eyes. and then i found out that i would be automatically disqualified because of past mental health issues (which admittedly i am still engaged in. assuming i had resolved them by the time of application it regardless would have made no difference). oh the irony of that realization making me even more suicidal than before. im such a useless pathetic fucker that i cant be of basic service to anyone. which only reinforces the point that i would probably be too weak and unstable to be useful even if i didnt get auto-dqed, because if that was my initial response imagine how much more poorly i would do under any sort of real pressure...

the dumbest thing is im still not over it, what the fuck. and its not like id been wanting to go military since i was a child. i toyed with the idea here and there for years but it wasnt plan a or anywhere else on the alphabet because i never had a plan a. never thought i would live long enough to execute it. pun intended. and yet here we are. i gave myself til december at minimum, more likely june 2023. whatever it shall be, it shall not be impulsive. this was a logical and carefully thought out decision. fucking holier than thou bastards. mental health treatment is a fucking joke too. that ship has long since left the station, that train has sailed, etcetera.

i just want to not be a disgusting waste of resources is that so much to ask. yet in anything i am too stupid or slow or emotional or too much or too little of something or other. i hate emotions. unrelated to tds but tangential to my rambling, this is why i like amphetamines. they turn me into a productivity robot with no regard for such trifling things as feelings or hunger. but the additional lack of sleep to my usual...not good. and then there we go using benzos every night to sleep that i cant even afford and getting myself in debt.

originally had a rule no using anything more often than once a week, but it has morphed into no more often than every other day for the same drug. and every day or concurrently as long as the drugs are of different classes. my metabolism is fucked i think something inside of me is broken. i barely feel anything at this point pretty sure all placebo. or maybe just inert rcs who knows ought to test them but love the roulette. and if i die in my sleep from a fent press then so be it. at the same time though i just want legit zolams so i can fucking fall asleep in less than 3 hours. unconscious and ignorance are one and the same. they are both bliss.

so fucking tired but i dont deserve sleep. aint no rest for the wicked...

 

[dragonix]

few weeks ago i was thinking about joining the military, was planning on getting in shape and all that, even did a workout for the first time in months. surprisingly could do 60 push ups in two minutes. strange little beast named hope. my amorphous fog-shaped future began to solidify before my eyes. and then i found out that i would be automatically disqualified because of past mental health issues (which admittedly i am still engaged in. assuming i had resolved them by the time of application it regardless would have made no difference). oh the irony of that realization making me even more suicidal than before. im such a useless pathetic fucker that i cant be of basic service to anyone. which only reinforces the point that i would probably be too weak and unstable to be useful even if i didnt get auto-dqed, because if that was my initial response imagine how much more poorly i would do under any sort of real pressure...

the dumbest thing is im still not over it, what the fuck. and its not like id been wanting to go military since i was a child. i toyed with the idea here and there for years but it wasnt plan a or anywhere else on the alphabet because i never had a plan a. never thought i would live long enough to execute it. pun intended. and yet here we are. i gave myself til december at minimum, more likely june 2023. whatever it shall be, it shall not be impulsive. this was a logical and carefully thought out decision. fucking holier than thou bastards. mental health treatment is a fucking joke too. that ship has long since left the station, that train has sailed, etcetera.

i just want to not be a disgusting waste of resources is that so much to ask. yet in anything i am too stupid or slow or emotional or too much or too little of something or other. i hate emotions. unrelated to tds but tangential to my rambling, this is why i like amphetamines. they turn me into a productivity robot with no regard for such trifling things as feelings or hunger. but the additional lack of sleep to my usual...not good. and then there we go using benzos every night to sleep that i cant even afford and getting myself in debt.

originally had a rule no using anything more often than once a week, but it has morphed into no more often than every other day for the same drug. and every day or concurrently as long as the drugs are of different classes. my metabolism is fucked i think something inside of me is broken. i barely feel anything at this point pretty sure all placebo. or maybe just inert rcs who knows ought to test them but love the roulette. and if i die in my sleep from a fent press then so be it. at the same time though i just want legit zolams so i can fucking fall asleep in less than 3 hours. unconscious and ignorance are one and the same. they are both bliss.

so fucking tired but i dont deserve sleep. aint no rest for the wicked...

Hope you find a silver lining under those dark storm clouds some day

 

[xaddictx]

Yeah me again. This is going to be a soft core rant.

First of all, my sincere apologies to bluelight staff, my posts were deleted due to off topic. That was justified, staff here did exactly the thing why they are here to keep this place somewhat in order. Thank you honeys and i am truly sorry.

So i got 73 euros this morning. Grabbed a couple i know, we went to the forest for a brunch. I don't GET THIS! these blessings.... why? i should be the hated one. Where? why? the fucking God damn blessings.

In the nearest suburb, this lady hangs out there. A little bit older than me. I think that she is 45 years old or something. I bought the brunch stuff (tobacco and beer) and she stopped me. We have talked before, she always talks to me. Super beautiful smile and shit. So i was in the forest, next to a pond and i got hungry and bought a veggie pizza and more beer.

She was still there. Without tobacco. I rolled 3 cigs for her and i gave her a beer. Look, this means A FUCKING LOT to me. Just talking to a woman, and the woman starts the conversation.

I need advice how to grow a pair of balls. I am not your alpha player male. I do not even flirt. But i want her. I just fucking want her. I would like to say that to her but yeah... how to grow balls? are there drugs for that?

Yea its Cym-BALL- ta

 

[dragonix]

I guess I am suicidal as if there were a gun here at work I would most likely grab it and sit contemplating pulling the trigger at my head but what if it isn't a fatal shot need to use the right ammo?

Would hurt either way I am thinking and I know deep down that isn't how I want to go but I don't wanna be here at this job lol karmic bondage ya I guess I am the failure drug addict who couldn't not looking for encouragement it doesn't help me.