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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

birdup.snaildown said:
I've started having days where I know that I don't want to be awake. These days aren't particularly different in theory to the days when I used to need to get fucked up, but - without that desire to partake - I just want to skip to the next day. I don't want to be dead, but this shift concerns me. It is a move in the wrong direction. It is worse than needing to get fucked up. At least, back then, there was another way out.
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I have those days too. Best thing to do is just get up and force it, face the day until you start feeling better. It doesn't always work, but then again neither does doing drugs, or just going back to sleep.
 
@deficiT

No, I mean it is hard to exist. I need to be a sleep. I feel overwhelming waves of something beyond depression. It doesn't get better until the next day (hopefully).
 
This is one of the many ways being (relatively) sober isn't easy... I bought a time lock box. Now I have no choice. Until that timer ticks down, I'm stuck to my own devices. This scares me.
 
birdup.snaildown said:
This is one of the many ways being (relatively) sober isn't easy... I bought a time lock box. Now I have no choice. Until that timer ticks down, I'm stuck to my own devices. This scares me.
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I should've invested in one of those when I was using. Could've saved my marriage and the rest of my life that's in shambles.
 
The lock box is helping already... but, it's helping so much I question whether or not I'm in control of myself. It's like there's a 6 hour delay to my sanity. If I make my decisions 6 hours before I do anything, nothing bad will ever happen. I'm not going to decide I want the future to be shit.

The reason I've had a lot of trouble quitting drinking is: I don't want to quit.

That is what it always comes down to, for everyone.

It's simple.

I like alcohol. I know I have a problem with it, but I don't want to lose it forever. I'm not going to be one of those AA schmucks (no offense). I'm going to beat this fucking thing.

If I said that ten years ago, you would've rightfully told me I'm crazy, but (miraculously) I've made so much progress since then.

People can only change if they believe they can change and - often - they only believe once they personally witness it... from within.

I am stronger for having been through hell.

One day this will end.
 
Not a day goes by where I don't have suicidal ideation. It's beginning to get really difficult.
 
deficiT said:
Not a day goes by where I don't have suicidal ideation. It's beginning to get really difficult.
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Do you think it might be a symptom of PAWS mate? I have had suicide ideation a LOT in my life, especially when clean/sober when I have severe anxiety that I can't manage.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Do you think it might be a symptom of PAWS mate? I have had suicide ideation a LOT in my life, especially when clean/sober when I have severe anxiety that I can't manage.
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That could definitely have something to do with it. Also just the current circumstances of my life are way worse than they were 6-12 months ago. Losing the marriage has hurt me in ways I never even considered. Really done a number on my anxiety, I know I shouldn't be worried about it now but I keep feeling like I'll be alone forever.
 
deficiT said:
I have stuff going for me, but it seems pointless if I can't even enjoy it while it's going on.
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I totally hear ya mate. You've just gotta keep on keeping on, and have faith that you will feel better soon <3 Have you started running yet?
 
Losing faith is the worst. I've remained hopeful throughout my train wreck of a life. Somehow, I never gave up on myself... Now the cracks are starting to show and not believing makes it so hard to be both sober and happy.

I feel you @deficiT

Hang in there, brother. <3

Shit gets better.
 
n3ophy7e said:
I totally hear ya mate. You've just gotta keep on keeping on, and have faith that you will feel better soon <3 Have you started running yet?
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No I haven't :/

birdup.snaildown said:
Losing faith is the worst. I've remained hopeful throughout my train wreck of a life. Somehow, I never gave up on myself... Now the cracks are starting to show and not believing makes it so hard to be both sober and happy.

I feel you @deficiT

Hang in there, brother. <3

Shit gets better.
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Thanks mate. It does, you're right.
 
I come back, having a weekend of using every hard drug about in pure form, from methamphetamine, to heroin and APVP, whilst being heavily addicted to G as some of you may know.


I came off it all clean, just take one clonaz a day now and smoke weed. (Since 12am Monday)

I'm gonna stop taking the clonaz soon, and just smoke weed. I'm so thankful to have had the best final session ever, and not feel the need for crazy substances anymore other than psychedelics.

I also dropped all the negative energies in my life, including that woman who was playing with my head. I'm officially single again and it feels great, she used my child as a weapon against me, my father tried to fuck me over too. But I'll say this much, I'm far happier being positive now and cutting those energies that were bringing me down off!!

Time to find a woman who actually respects and loves me, wish me luck guys!

Love all of you ;)
 
I can see what leads me to have twisted thinking of ending it but it feels like a terrible way to escape dealing with my issues head on which would hurt a lot less I am thinking in this moment at least
 
Okay. Shit got officially real. And i want help. And i am hereby reaching out for it.

I am sad, i am drunk and i am suicidal as fuck. And i want to talk. Speak. Listen. You can refuse it is cool. My fucking headphones are piece of crap and don't work properly, therefore, discord = no way. And i am seriously frowned upon there anyway.

A female voice would be greatly appreciated by me. It is nothing pervert, not right now. A female voice just works for me better than a motherfucking benzo. I don't know why, but it does.

Please don't leave me here with NOTHING! Or do just that. The end result will be exactly the same no matter what.
 
My girlfriend of 15 years passed away from alcoholism (acute liver failure in 2017 and then her health deteriorated to the point where she died in 2020). The problem is I am only 36 years old, but am unlikely to meet anyone else. It feels like I should be 80 years old, at least. Her memorial was finally this past Saturday, a year and a half after she actually died due to covid halting everything, and I had told myself I was going to end this shitty life before that. So I don't know what else to do now but plan my own end of life.
 
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Glidingferret said:
My girlfriend of 15 years passed away from alcoholism (acute liver failure in 2017 and then her health deteriorated to the point where she died in 2020). The problem is I am only 36 years old, but am unlikely to meet anyone else. It feels like I should be 80 years old, at least. Her memorial was finally this past Saturday, a year and a half after she actually died due to covid, and I had told myself I was going to end this shitty life before that. So I don't know what else to do now but plan my own end of life.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your gf mate, that's terrible. Well you have our support, and feel free to reach out to one of us here if you are depressed. Personally I've struggled with suicidal ideation for most of my life, so I know how difficult it can be.

But please don't do anything drastic, you only have this one life, this one opportunity. You can recover and live a full, happy life. Depression is a sickness and you're not well. But you can get better. Do the little things you enjoy in life, and try not to take life so seriously. I know it's hard but exercise and a good diet can help as well.

Again, please reach out if you're struggling, we're here for you.
 
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