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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

Cudi said:
Im not giving up just yet but the molly comedown could be dangerous
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You are right. Might wanna be careful but at least you've something to come down with. Definitely tread with caution though either way, especially if you're feeling this way.
 
deficiT said:
You are right. Might wanna be careful but at least you've something to come down with. Definitely tread with caution though either way, especially if you're feeling this way.
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Miraculously the MDMA i think talked some sense into me. Feeling much better than yesterday, although i know molly can have a delayed hangover that kicks in a few days after. But wow, I realized some shit during my roll.. Incredible substance it is
 
ibtisam midlet said:
:oops: there a small-big something that normal people can't understand, if you have depression you will not able to enjoy art and music and daily activity because your reward system will not reward you for them, depression is strongest illness i faced in my life, antidepressant tend to make you able to enjoy music and empathy (SSRIs) but they loss significant effect after 1 year and leave you with barely noticeable effect in long term.
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I don't mean the consumption of art/music, I mean the creation of it.

Depression is an endless source of creativity for me. Double-edged sword because now that I'm not intensely depressed my music/art kind of sucks.
 
No one's posted here in a little bit, I wanted to just check in and see how everyone's feeling? Hopefully the cold and winter isn't dragging anybody down too much now.
 
I'm really a Compulsive Liar. Narcissistic. Drug Addicted Emotional Leech. But still want to live what the fuck am i doing here. I'm ready. I won't be vehicle for evil. I still have some control. I don't want to cause pain but I do. I feel guilty but I don't know when I'm lying anymore. You all are good people. Most of you. Im sorry I tried to use your pain to fuel my emptiness. There was a part of me that truly wanted to be your friend.

Bluelight.org has saved me.
 
20PrivacyIsOurRight21 said:
I'm really a Compulsive Liar. Narcissistic. Drug Addicted Emotional Leech. But still want to live what the fuck am i doing here. I'm ready. I won't be vehicle for evil. I still have some control. I don't want to cause pain but I do. I feel guilty but I don't know when I'm lying anymore. You all are good people. Most of you. Im sorry I tried to use your pain to fuel my emptiness. There was a part of me that truly wanted to be your friend.

Bluelight.org has saved me.
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It sounds like you're going through some painful soul searching. It's ok to feel that way, many others are going through dark times and struggles right now as well. The hope is that we can all work together as a community and heal alongside each other.
 
I'm going to kill myself. I could easily do it legally at swiss clinic but can't wait that long so doing it on my own
 
I am really struggling. I am fighting serious ideation and I hate it. I’m 35 years old and I’ve been this way my whole life. I have never told anyone how much I’m suffering and I can’t stand it. I hate myself for it.
It’s too hard sometimes.
And I’m sober so it sucks extra. No heroin since sept 2019 and no street stims for almost 4 years. I have been drunk maybe 4 times in the last 4 years.

fuck. Rant over.
 
Abyss_it_is said:
I am really struggling. I am fighting serious ideation and I hate it. I’m 35 years old and I’ve been this way my whole life. I have never told anyone how much I’m suffering and I can’t stand it. I hate myself for it.
It’s too hard sometimes.
And I’m sober so it sucks extra. No heroin since sept 2019 and no street stims for almost 4 years. I have been drunk maybe 4 times in the last 4 years.

fuck. Rant over.
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If no one's told you lately, congrats for being sober and taking care of yourself, BL loves you!
 
Audiobook said:
I honestly just wish I would not wake up tomorrow.

Like the only thing that is gonna happen is more fucking panic attacks.

And I am venting, not asking for help. I know you guys don’t have any help you can offer me.
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Hi bby I'm so sorry this is happening we might not be in the same situation but I know how you feel I'm in a place where I feel trapped and I feel like I can't do anything staying here is only making it worse. I tell myself everyday I hope I don't wake up I hope I don't wake up and I've been trying to escape it not the most healthy ways but there's really nothing I can do. I'm so glad you found a place where you feel safe to express yourself and let everything out. you sure there's nothing we can do maybe venmo or just talk?
 
I have suicidal thoughts every day now because no antidepressant has ever been effective. My depression is no longer about a specific traumatic experience but a constant, repetitive, insufferable, feeling that I feel pulsing through my entire being constantly 75% of my waking existence. Getting in touch with why I should be grateful for the things I have has not helped lately. I have not touched opiates since 1.5 years. Weed sometimes brings relief or makes it worse with added anxiety.

There’s a real possibility that I take opiates again so that I may experience a break from my depression for a couple hours at a time and then restart the addiction process all over again.

I know the exact method that I will use to leave this world; I always know that. I always think about it every day on and off for months at a time lasting years perhaps. It would be like someone just passing through town and being not particularly stimulated by anything in that town. I’m just making what I see as a reasonable observation and that which I observe tends to insight hopelessness and ugliness.
 
Trying my best at life but failing to achieve my goals. As time goes on its looks bleak i aint cut out for living in this society. I wish i had a way to turn off the constant thoughts of taking the easy way out through suicide. Last year i almost went through with it but decided to try give it one last chance to change things up. I am here and kicking it was good at the start of it all but the realities of life hit me again.

I have now accepted my fate im a useless fuck who cant hack life. I will still be around for the rest of the year but its time to say goodbye to yall next year. Im going to spend the rest of my life making the most of my last time on earth with friends indulging in pure hedonism and teach everything i know and spread my gospel before i kick the bucket for good.

People will feel pain and sadness but i know they will forget me one day. I will never forgive myself for doing this to my parents though they were always there for me but i hope they understand the suffering i have endured for my life on earth has to end. I have thought about suicide ever since i was 8 years old. Once had a vision in 2006 that i would most likely kill myself before 2022. So fitting isn't it. This is the end of my story

Light and love friends will see yall on the other side in the future.

The only reason im delaying my death til 2022 and not just taking my self in this moment because it would to much at this point for some of my friends to bear. So i will wait till times are less tough on them to allow them to grieve.

I pray that one day this world finds peace and that humans will rise above what we are now. Its been one of a hell ride and i can't lie through it all it was a beautiful art piece with some good moments but mostly alot of suffering.

To the MFs who abused me growing up and stole my childhood from me leaving me to live a dark adult hood may the fires of the lord burn and purify your souls.

Maybe one day the toad will be readily around world wide so i didnt have to go to such extreme lengths. But til that day i will rest in the source of reality universal one consciousness.

Peace out everybody.
 
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