I must be completely and totally insane..

[zelmo_swift]

I've been interested in Datura, because I really just want to completely lose myself. I'm very prone to bad trips now.

I'm sorry, but when I first read about Datura, I was astonished I had never heard of it. I'm the kind of person that will try anything that's insane like that. Ever since I read about it, I've been obsessing over it like mad. I read in a erowid report that it's a drug that you got to try at least once in your life..

I really had nowhere else to go, and nobody else talk to, as nobody understands. I want to be able say, "yea i've done that psychedelic/deliriant, and it was crazy". I just wanted to do the Datura because i've read it's one of those drugs you got to try at least once in your life.

That's exactly how I feel.. like i'm missing out on the ultimate trip.

Pardon me, but this approach to drug use is absolutely ridiculous and immature. Datura is widely regarded as one of the most sinister drugs in existence, with a profile that includes high toxicity and loss of control. People on datura experience true hallucinations, and respond to non-existent stimuli; in the grips of a datura "trip" you pose a significant danger to yourself and others. In my many years walking the earth as a polytoxicomanic primate consuming any and all compounds I came across indiscriminately, datura and it's ilk has always been my shining example of the one class of drugs I would not do. Because if you know anything about it, you'd know it's insane. But I guess you want to indulge your insanity. Just don't be surprised if you come to three days later to find you've castrated yourself or killed a police officer or something.

I normally work out everyday. But I stopped when I came off that suboxone, cause I've been feeling like I was dying.. I've been weak, with chills, and pain, with major insomnia. And I tapered down as low as I could go. I hate opiates so bad now..

I'm surprised no one else has paid attention to this detail. How long ago did you stop taking buprenorphine? Since withdrawal can last well over a month, PAWS stretching on WAY longer than that, do you think it's possible a lot of the turmoil and "emotions" rising up could be attributed to this?

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Lol.

I've been off of it for a month and a week. And I have no clue.. whatever it is, is driving me mad.

 

[embers_fading]

You have bipolar disorder. You should not be using recreational drugs period. At all. End of story. You know what cannabis did to you when it triggered an episode. You don't think that will happen again? You don't think that you will trigger more severe episodes if you keep messing around with substances? If you think you'll come out on top, especially after what you have experienced, then you are a fool who is asking for trouble.

I have bipolar disorder, myself, and I have dabbled extensively with cannabis and psychedelics in my past. I was dumb enough to think that, after the drugs triggered a severe manic/psychotic episode that I would somehow be OK if I tripped again. Of course it ended up being a huge disaster. I'd like to think that you aren't dumb enough to have to learn the hard way again, but since I've been there myself I wouldn't be surprised if you have to fuck up MAJORLY to get the idea.

Stay away from drugs. Period. Too much caffeine can trigger mania and too much alcohol can send you into a depressive phase. Stay. Away. From. Drugs. Accept your diagnosis. Go to treatment. Take your medications. Be smart about this.

You are seriously considering trying datura? Do you maybe belong in a short-term mental hospital now? It doesn't seem like you are thinking rationally if you are seriously considering this. Mixing drugs with your bipolar and ADD/ADHD medications? You're just asking for trouble, but I guess you're going to have to learn the hard way. The problem with learning the hard way, though, is that you could very easily end up in a state mental hospital for 6 months to 1 year, end up in jail, or wind up dead.

Seriously: Please be careful and stop using.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

It's easy for everyone here to say, "Stop using, stop using." I'm sorry, but it's easier said then done. I feel like psychedelics are bonded with my soul, if that makes any sense at all.

I did the research on Datura.. here is what I take on a daily basis. Strattera, Geodone, Metapolol [Beta blocker that definitely would help during my datura experience], Vistaril, Magnesium, B12. I read a forum the other day that says what not to take with Datura. None of these medications were mentioned, although I am quite concerned about the strattera being that it's an NARI.

Here is my reasoning for wanting to take Datura. I figured these doors I accidentally opened in my mind can be closed if I use the right psychedelic. I would rather try Ibogaine as i've heard very good things about it, but I have absolutely no clue on where to get some. I hear it's good for opiate addiction too. Maybe during my experience I can resolve some of these issues mentally that i'm facing. You get the idea? I'm trying to think positive about this. Of course if I go into a Datura trip with a bad mindset, it's going to be a bad trip.

 

[Sheffsam]

See you've already said this:

I'm very prone to bad trips now. <snip> One more bad trip and I might lose my mind for good this time.

Even in the title of the thread you've pretty much shown you know this is a bad idea. Not only are you considering doing something that's already unwise in your current state of mental heath, you're considering doing it with a tool that's extremely dangerous even if you were fully healthy and mentally stable.

Even if you want to disregard the advice to stop using, please heed the advice to avoid this drug in particular.

Due to the potent combination of anticholinergic substances it contains, Datura intoxication typically produces effects similar to that of an anticholinergic delirium (as contrasted to hallucination)

To me, that is the key information right there. You take this trip, there is no way it's gonna end well.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

So nobody here feels the way I do about psychedelics? I just miss traveling the universe.. exploring the deepest parts of my mind.

Is it even remotely possible that a psychedelic could snap me out of this mindset i'm in?

 

[n3ophy7e]

There are a lot of people here who share the same passion for psychedelics that you do. But Datura is not the same thing. A Datura trip is not what you're looking for.

And to specifically answer your question, sure it's remotely possible that a psychedelic could snap you out of it.....but it's MUCH much more likely that it will leave you feeling far worse than you currently are. You said yourself that you're very prone to bad trips lately, don't forget that.

It's not worth it Hippiechild. Try to focus your energy on to contemplating other solutions to your problems.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

What kind of solutions.. I feel as if I'm backed into a corner with nowhere else to turn.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Are you currently seeing a therapist? If not, I would recommend that you start seeing one again as soon as you can. Tell them about these impulsive thoughts you're having about drugs, and work through them.
Start working out again. I know sometimes motivation can be a big issue, but perhaps just go out for a long moderately paced walk, and see how you feel after that. Find other things to distract yourself with, and to spend your time doing. If Bluelight is a trigger for you (I know sometimes it can be a trigger for a lot of drug users, with so much information about drugs right in front of your face), perhaps take a few days' break from this site. I have done that a few times when I needed to get my mind off substances for a bit. Might be something to consider.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I'm seeing a drug addiction psychiatrist. He is the best at what he does. But he is a very hard man to get to see. Like you have to make an appointment a month in advance to see him. I'm pretty much on my own. I was told today that i'm too dependent on him by one of his nurses.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Okay. It's great that you get to see him, even if it is only once a month. Can you start seeing a psychologist/counsellor as well in the meantime? I really think you would benefit from having contact with another therapist more frequently. And I'm sure your psychiatrist would likely agree. What do you think?

 

[xHippiexchildx]

The woman I normally see is dull, and doesn't understand anything about me. She just talks and talks about fucking nothing the whole time, I mean Jesus! I get maybe two words in before she is all over the place. I'm normally like, wtf is this bitch talking about? I just wanted to tell her about my drug addiction problem and somehow we start talking about her pets at home, or some shit like that.

I thought I was alone.. until I came on here and seen that other people are having similar problems. It actually gives me hope.. when I actually had no hope at all. I thought I was eventually going to end up like Hunter S. Thompson, or Kurt Cobain. Firstly by writing some fucked up suicide letter that don't make any sense. Second, who the hell knows. Good God! Those psychedelics really got to me. How the hell did I even end up in this situation? Oh, right, my ex girlfriend died and it sent me into a mad drug frenzy. I should be fucking dead right now. I was taking pain pills, dxm, drinking, and smoking weed all at the same time. I was taking 2C-B, Mushrooms, and Diphenhydramine, not caring about anything.

 

[Dave]

If the person you're currently seeing doesn't mesh with you, then you need to try to find someone else. Seriously. You're wasting your time with her, and it is vital that you get help that works for you. You're dealing with some major stuff right now, and the escapism is clearly heading toward self-destructive territory.

The thing is, taking whatever you can get your hands on is only making things far worse. I could not imagine taking mushrooms on anything other than a pristine mindset, and when you're dealing with such heavy stuff it must become hellish. Which compounds things by adding psychological trauma.

I've done the self-medication thing, albeit not with psychedelics, and I remember how effective it felt.... at first. Diminishing returns and negative effects pile up quickly, as I think you're starting to see now. A proper psychologist can give you the tools you need to cope with the troubles without drugs in the short term, and in time can help to tackle the roots of the problems. Speaking from firsthand experience, I can say that I wasted a solid decade trying to deal with my issues with drugs. Less than a year with the right psychologist, and I had better results than everything else that I had tried combined. No hyperbole.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

The thing is, i've always had bad experience with counselors. They mainly just say what you want to hear. My doctor though, is straight up plain honest. And he actually understands what i'm going through. I have never had anyone like that to understand me completely. Maybe my bestfriend, but nobody who's profession is working with people like me.

 

[n3ophy7e]

The woman I normally see is dull, and doesn't understand anything about me. She just talks and talks about fucking nothing the whole time, I mean Jesus! I get maybe two words in before she is all over the place. I'm normally like, wtf is this bitch talking about? I just wanted to tell her about my drug addiction problem and somehow we start talking about her pets at home, or some shit like that.

That sounds exactly like a psychiatrist I once saw!! :D He was such a useless twat. I'd go in there once a fortnight, the sessions were supposed to be 50 minutes long, sometimes he'd be done with talking at me after about 20 mins and would end the session, and I hadn't even SAID anything!! WTF?!
So yeah, I know from personal experience that some psych specialists are more interested in the sound of their own voice than actually helping their clients 8)
However, there ARE some good psychologists/counsellors out there, unfortunately it can just take a bit of time before you find one. I've been through 1 psychiatrist and 4 psychologists in my life, they were all fairly useless....except the new psychologist I've just started seeing a month ago, she is really good and we are working really well together so far. So, they ARE out there, so just try another counsellor and hopefully they will be good.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I just can't deal with the fact that my ex girlfriend, who I fucking hurt, died before I could fix things. I thought I had all the time in the world to make things right.. why would someone like her, popular in school and on the cheerleading squad give someone like me, a fucking junkie, a chance. I fucked things up big time with my addiction.. I was always making up fucking excuses not to spend time with her because I would always be too gone to care. I remember one night in general.. I was at a friend's house tripping on like 24 coricidin. She called me that night, like she did every night, and tried to talk to me. I was too gone. I couldn't understand anything she was saying. She started to cry.. she always knew I was high on something.. she always knew. My friend took the phone from her, he was tripping harder than i was, but he somehow managed to calm her down, talking about he would make sure i would get help for my drug addiction.. he didn't mean it.. But I promised her that night I would get clean.. but I didn't. She broke up with me shortly after. I didn't give a fuck really, I mean I cared for her.. but the damn drugs.. I was always too high to care. 2 months after that she got into a car accident. She was being driven home from cheerleading practice by a teacher. The teacher ran a stop sign, and they got tboned by a truck. The teacher died shortly after that. The girl though.. she was put into the hospital, where we all thought she was getting better. I was supposed to go and see her one weekend, but I put it off because as usual I was too high to care. I kept thinking to myself, "She'll make it. It doesn't worry me". But the next weekend after that I was really planning to go up there, sober. Needless to say.. she didn't make to the weekend. She died overnight, because her brain started to swell, and the doctors couldn't relieve the pressure. When I first found out about it, I had just woken up. I didn't go to school that day because I was fucking hungover from a coricidin trip. My mom came into my room crying, and my sister was with her. She told me "She died last night." Those words right there.. you don't even know. I was still half asleep, so I went back to sleep thinking it was a bad dream. Sure enough when I got up, she had died..

HOW THE FUCK do I live with myself now? I mean, that girl right there could have fucking done more than I ever could. I'm JUST a fucking strung out JUNKIE! God this, God that, WHY didn't God just TAKE ME instead.

This didn't just happen. It happened 5 years ago.

After she died, I went into the craziest drug frenzy ever recorded in the history of man. Taking all and anything that came across my path. At some points taking pills that I didn't know wtf they were, not caring about living or dying. I guess I suppressed that pain so long, that it's coming back out. Jesus fuck... I've been staring at her picture like crazy for the past 2 weeks asking myself what if.. what could I have done differently. Maybe if I would have been clean from the start... God fucking damn.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001260617673

 

[herbavore]

You have to find ways to stop using her death to further berate yourself as a bad person. You are not a bad person; you are a person with a bad addiction. Your addiction is what you need to concentrate on. Your ex girlfriend's death was a horrible tragedy and I can imagine that your grief will always include remorse that you did not have more time with her due to your drug use; but it did not have anything to do with her death. Learning to live with grief is huge. Part of learning to live with it is learning to not include guilt as part of it. Guilt will not make you a better person. Taking control back in your own life would be the absolute best way to honor the life of someone you loved who lost hers far too early. I went to the FB page. She was a beautiful girl and it sounds like she had a heart to rival the face. Miss her, honor her memory, but don't beat yourself up in the process.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

If only it were that easy.. I just don't understand why it happened the way it did. Maybe i'm dreaming now and I just don't know it. Like that movie inception? I can never tell my dreams apart from my reality anyways. If I never woke up from sleeping, I'd be fine and think it was reality.. as long as I could dream and see her again.

 

[effie]

^ It isn't easy, it really isn't.. it is a long path to learn to accept the loss (if accept is even the right word) and to come to terms with it all, especially when you have so much guilt.. have you had any bereavement counselling or therapy? It can help enormously, although ultimately it is something we have to come to terms with ourselves.. I still have huge amounts of guilt about my boyfriend dying and I don't think I will ever be entirely comfortable with what happened - in fact I know I won't be - but somehow, it is possible to learn to accept things more and to live alongside it. I don't have the right words to explain exactly what I mean right now, I am sorry.. have you checked out our grief/bereavement thread? It is in the TDS directory (link in my sig)..

The not understanding thing - I was struggling with that for so long. Why did he die, aged 25? He was a good person, an amazing person, and he loved life.. There was no rhyme or reason to it and it can make the world seem a very cold place indeed, and our own emotions very dark.. everything felt so horribly off-balance and unreal.. but someone said to me - "You will never understand it. If you undersood that, you would understand the meaning of life, and no one knows that." As soon as he said that I felt like a weight had been lifted... I will never understand or be comfortable with Dave's death, I don't know the answers and it is my own personal belief that there is no ultimate meaning in life, it just is.. others find comfort in turning to spiritual beliefs, or finding their own philosophy to help them get through it. Whatever works for you. That really helped me though...



edit: Grief/bereavement thread

 

[xHippiexchildx]

No.. I mean, why did she have die LIKE THAT, at the point and time in my life. It almost after she broke up with me because I was too busy tripping! It's like, I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK. I should have made time to hang out with her. I should have been clean. The future would have been completely different. Maybe if I would have just went to one of her cheerleading practices, It would have turned out differently. And I was spiritual.. I still am I guess. I still keep God's laws, statutes, commandments, holy days, and the faith in Jesus. Revelation 14:12 The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I fear God too much. I fear the lake of fire more than anything on this earth. And when you die, you are DEAD. When Jesus resurrected, His whole body went with him. So how come we have to bury our dead if they are going to heaven? The Bible says death is just like before you were born. You know absolutely nothing until you are resurrected. And this is the worst part, Aylah wasn't a saint, she didn't keep God's commandments. Why didn't he just take me instead, and give her a chance at eternal life, like he did to me. I don't deserve to have it, I'm A JUNKIE. Drugs are all I care about. They are all I think about. They have been scarred into my soul. I know exactly what's going to happen. She is going raised up in the 2nd resurrection, and her works will not measure up. HOW DARE GOD DO THAT TO ME!!! Maybe, I could give her my salvation that I'm working so hard to get. So she could have eternal life. I wouldn't give my salvation to anyone but her. It doesn't seem likely, but it's worth a shot?