I must be completely and totally insane..

[xHippiexchildx]

Sup, i'm new to this forum.. but i'm not new to the whole drug world.

DXM used to be the drug I did all the time. I loved using psychedelics, and such mind altering substances.

As a matter of fact, I did DXM so much that my tolerance was up to 32 coricidin every other day. I was searching for the perfect high. DXM by far exceeded all the competition.. and i've done a load of other substances i'm not going to bother naming.

So I did DXM for 4 years without taking into considering moderation, and the health problems I already had. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar disorder. During my time taking these drugs, I was already on other medications. I was taking Strattera, and Risperdol.

One day I ended up having a bad trip.. and after that, using DXM or anything else was never the same. Once I had that panic attack, that screwed up my whole mindset.

Please take note that I was very careless about what I was using, and combining it with my medications.

2 years ago, I smoked some weed one night. It was a pretty regular thing for me to do on my weekends. I had stopped using psychedelics and dxm during this time. This was the worst night of my life. I had to be sent to the mental hospital because I had a "Bipolar episode". It took up until now for me to feel normal again.

Here is where my problem lies.. I just want to start using psychedelics again. I feel I must take some kind of mind altering substance, or I will go crazy. I've been interested in Datura, because I really just want to completely lose myself. I'm very prone to bad trips now. I took DXM the other night, with all this medication I'm on [stupid idea], I can already feel those doors in my mind opening again. Ever since that night.. I've just wanted to see things from a different perspective. The doctor says my mind is very fragile at this state. One more bad trip and I might lose my mind for good this time..

I also have heart problems now with lots of anxiety, I believe it's because of the dxm [with cpm], and I take beta blockers for it.

Is it just me or am I insane, for wanting to take a substance like Datura in my fragile mindset, with all these medications i'm on now!? Anyone know what I should do?

 

[RobotRipping]

I feel I must take some kind of mind altering substance, or I will go crazy.

well it does sound like you're in a fragile state, count yourself lucky as cpm and dxm have killed plenty of people. I still prefer the trip with cpm to just pure dxm but it's fucking dangerous, seriously. Certain medications + dxm can also cause terrible effects, even serotonin syndrome. It seems like you'll go crazy if you use them and if you don't, but there's no reason you must take a mind altering substance, especially a psychedelic.

i have pretty severe anxiety and I still trip but you really have to be careful about your doses, and you must have a plan if things go haywire. Still psychedelics can easily send you into a manic state if the dose is too high, especially if you really are bipolar. If you're going to trip anyway then try low doses and avoid any drugs that can possibly interact with your medication (look this shit up!). If you know mixing a few things are terrible for you then don't do it, you are playing a dangerous game and you are lucky to still be alive.

whatever you do, don't take datura, you're just asking for trouble. If i were you i'd give all drugs a break for a few months at least and if you must, ease yourself back into it with some light RC's at low doses. I doubt you'll lose your mind for good either way but datura isn't going to help.

 

[herbavore]

Please take note that I was very careless about what I was using, and combining it with my medications.

The doctor says my mind is very fragile at this state. One more bad trip and I might lose my mind for good this time...

I don't know what you should do but I know what you shouldn't do and that is what you already know as well. Taking anything but your medication at this point seems totally reckless because the risk is huge. While I understand your desire that is really all it is, desire; and desire for anything can be controlled. Maybe you could try to keep in your head the memory of the "worst night of your life" when you were hospitalized and use that as a tool against your cravings.

For me the desire for over-using psychedelics was always connected to a lack of adventure in my life. Is there any way that you could address that in your life? I think that taking physical risks is a great antidote to mental anxiety. Do you do anything physical where you could push yourself to the next level?

I don't think you are insane at all. I just think you need to readjust your thinking and your habits to get through the fixation on pschedelics as the only answer to what you are looking for.

 

[Dave]

DO NOT DO DATURA!

Seriously. Don't. Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't.

Don't.

Datura is a deliriant, not a psychedelic. You won't trip, you'll go insane. Very, very bad idea. Seriously.

 

[RedLeader]

As you've stated, you're pretty careless with what you ingest and have suspended your responsibility to your own physical and metal health with these heroic ill-considered doses.

Man, though, datura's in a different category than the things you've been sampling (not a "different level" or anything encouraging, but just a different category - a bad one). If you have no regard for yourself, have regard for those around you as you can easily create situations while influenced by it that could seriously hurt other people. You don't want to jeopardize the safety of others, right?

Insanity might be defined as wanting to do the same thing again (here, taking a lot of drugs) and expecting a different result (it having a happy ending). But I don't think you want to do exactly that again, but instead you just want new thrills. Why not something not involving drugs? Jump out of a plane. Buy a baby snake and "accidentally" let it lose in your bedroom. You get the point. A lot of people limit their "crazy, try anything once" side just to drugs, when there are plenty of other options out there that are just as exhilarating, but also tried and tested.

You're young. Taking some time to pull yourself back down to Earth, and maybe in a few years some clean LSD will cross your path. Taking something quite poisonous to try and appease some morbid thrill-seeking trait in you is really no way to proceed in life.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I have found that if I take a Xanax before I trip, like I did the other night with DXM, it calms me down, keeps me from flipping out.

I'm sorry, but when I first read about Datura, I was astonished I had never heard of it. I'm the kind of person that will try anything that's insane like that. Ever since I read about it, I've been obsessing over it like mad. I read in a erowid report that it's a drug that you got to try at least once in your life..

That's the same thing my doctor said! He said my cravings for psychedelics were just impulses, that they would pass. I, of course, did not believe him, because it's all I've been thinking about.

One good reason i've been clean so long from everything is because I've been on suboxone. Taking psychedelics with Suboxone did not seem like a good idea. It has been a month since i've been off of it. It seemed like the weed I smoked this month, was being blocked by the suboxone, cause it just wasn't getting me high like it used to. Or pretty much any damn thing else i've took this past month. That DXM the other night didn't seem as strong. I probably should have told you all about the suboxone. My mistake. :[

 

[n3ophy7e]

That's the same thing my doctor said! He said my cravings for psychedelics were just impulses, that they would pass. I, of course, did not believe him, because it's all I've been thinking about.

I have to say that I agree with your doctor. Psychedelics aren't really physically addictive at all, so therefore you can't really be having physical cravings for them. Impulsive thoughts do go away if you try to ignore them or distract yourself from them. Conversely, the more you indulge in impulsive thoughts, the stronger they get. If all you've been thinking about is tripping, then it makes sense that the psychological cravings are getting stronger/not going away.

And, as others have already said, I think it is a really bad idea for you to try Datura. Sure, no-one can really tell you what you can and can't do, but I think you KNOW the risks, therefore it would be wise to choose NOT to try Datura.

 

[RedLeader]

The way I see it, psychedelics, when used responsibly, are for mind-expansion, amplification and adding a certain richness to live. They are "tools," and it's easy to not really think of them as "drugs" at all when they are respected and used responsibly. At least not like the drugs we use to self-medicate away the things we don't like about ourselves or our surroundings - your alcohols, benzos, opiates, stimulants and so on. Psychedelics can be sufficient to satisfy our desires for the lights to get brighter, the bass to get deeper, etc., but they never should be thought of as necessary to be able to explore your mind.

When you're craving psychedelics, really you're craving two things: (1) the actual psychedelic experience and (2) a comfortable and safe set/setting for the experience to play out. I mean nobody craves hiding in a public restroom for 4 hours praying that nobody within a mile's radius has to use the toilet that day, right? You crave festivals, raves, being alone in your room with your music and screensavers, being at the beach, and the drug making a good thing already better. You crave a situation where the stars align and you have a trip similar to your best one ever.

The problem is that to get to that comfortable set/setting, that (2), you have to first make strides in your sober/clean life. You have to be comfortable in your own skin, without any major stressers, healthy in your physical body, and so on. Sure, a Xanax backdrop can partially synthesize this for you, but it will also psychopharmacologically alter your trip so you won't get the most out of your experience (which is hardly the way the thrill-seeker should want it, right?). Instead, a person should work on his or her confidence/esteem, work to have effective strategies to deal with stress and take care of his or her body, so that harm is minimised should that person take a psychedelic.

Note that I am not condoning the use of psychedelics, and they should be used with the knowledge that ANY trip can destroy one's life. I'm speaking with respect to minimising harm for someone who's deadset on including psychedelics in his/her future.

Now I will admit to you that while I was in treatment, everybody kept asking me if I was getting cravings for opiates or benzos (what I was addicted to), but honestly I was craving the rave drugs (I think because I have been on opiates for the past few years, and once my head cleared up I felt emotions that were circa '09, at the end of my raver days, and those emotions triggered memories that suddenly seemed more recent). However, I knew/know that it's not a good time for me to dabble in that, so when I do start thinking about it, I do something constructive to work on my backdrop. Exercise, force myself to talk to people so I can be more confident, etc. Not saying that I'm winding up to some type of bender or anything, but at least down the road *if* I use psyches and/or club drugs again, the backdrop will be so that harm is minimised.

To add, throwing some positive activities in your day under the prestence of improving your personal backdrop might actually get you craving those healthier, productive things. Which is really a no-lose situation!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Excellent post RL, it's so good to see you around here again

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Yeaa. That's exactly what happened when i came off that suboxone. I started feeling all these emotions I haven't felt in years. It's like that suboxone numbed my senses, or something. Now I just want to trip.

I normally work out everyday. But I stopped when I came off that suboxone, cause I've been feeling like I was dying.. I've been weak, with chills, and pain, with major insomnia. And I tapered down as low as I could go. I hate opiates so bad now..

I really need benzos, but that's out of the question because of my medical history.

 

[fifleman]

The best mind-altering drug is truth. I think you know what the truth is: stop taking the drugs that are harming your psyche. What your doctor wants you on I do believe is a different story. That is between you and him.

In reference to your post title [I must be completely and totally insane], you are. To go back and try again and again to use substances that you are very-aware send you into a state that you don't want to be in is insane. I was there once as well.

It simply sounds as if you are trying to get someone's answer to justify what you want to do and to rationalize the use of these harmful drugs again. Your mind will pick out the ammunition it needs to load up another trip and leave the more sane, helpful hope behind.

The problem centers in your mind, the very place you're attacking. It sounds like you need to take a plan of action to better yourself and your mind by ceasing activity with drugs. Once again, the best mind-altering drug is truth. When I realize that I cannot partake in cocaine and alcohol because it interferes with my fragile psyche, it was a spiritual awakening that I continue to have when I view the truth and not what my mind is trying to tell me. I didn't smoke pot for over a year - tried it, and had the same paranoid and social-withdrawing effects as I did a year before. Time and healthy habits will bring your mind, your body, and your soul out of the funk that drugs bring on - if you cease to use altogether.

It seems funny that I wanted to escape society and the world so bad before. Now, I yearn to find out more about myself and how I am unique to me. I can't drink -- I go overboard and turn into a complete dick of epic proportions. I can't do cocaine -- my mind craves so hard that I hole up for a week until an ounce of cocaine and my money are gone. I can't smoke pot -- I become paranoid to the hilt and feel like a statue, locked in place, with only my mind running rampant. And let me tell you, I used to be able to do all of these things like a king. Your mind and body are not made for the abuse, however, and it eventually tears everyone down. This is the truth.

The bottom line is that you need to quit all recreational drugs and search for yourself through the truth. You will not be able to do drugs successfully any longer, just like me. Is that really a bad thing? Heaven's no.

Don't search for justification, rationalization, mind tricks, or mind pity on here or anywhere else. You know what you need to do and it's a matter of doing it or dying. And I'm not just talking about physical death: going insane is the same as dying to me.

When the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go, you'll let go. I think you're close.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Wow to just let go, it would be a load off my mind.

I.. just.. don't.. know.. how.. to.. deal.. with.. my.. new.. emotions.

I have completely forgotten how to communicate with people. I have forgotten how to be a normal human being.

 

[n3ophy7e]

You're right Hippiechild, our emotions can be really scary and totally overwhelming after having numbed them for so many years. I'm kinda going through that now as well, trying to quit drinking after 7 years of alcohol abuse. At the moment for me, it's all about re-opening old wounds and going through all the pain again, but this time trying to get through it and process all the emotions without resorting to alcohol to numb myself. It's fucking horrible and it's going to have to get worse before it gets better, so I can understand what you're currently going through

Something that helps me is forcing myself to remember and accept that humans are emotional creatures, everyone has emotions, they cannot kill you, and you WILL be okay. It could also help you to talk it through, whenever you're having a difficult time or a particularly stressful day, TALK to someone about it. Come on to Bluelight and find someone who is online and willing to chat (there are heaps of people right here in The Dark Side who fit this description ).

Rest assured that with time you will begin to feel more "normal" and you will feel more comfortable with yourself and your emotions. I know it seems like that day will never come, but it will

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Thanks for the response.. I'll work on it. I've had a chance to date many many different girls, but I just didn't know how to socialize. I was so used to being in that altered state of mind, that's how I remember doing things. If only there was a time machine or something..

 

[Dave]

^ Here we assume that people are legit unless proven otherwise. We don't know her full story, and there are people out there who actually do seek out things like datura. Please refrain from calling people out like that in the future, thanks!

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I call troll

I really had nowhere else to go, and nobody else talk to, as nobody understands. I want to be able say, "yea i've done that psychedelic/deliriant, and it was crazy". I just wanted to do the Datura because i've read it's one of those drugs you got to try at least once in your life.

I was in shock to see people on here who are actually in my same situation. I actually thought I was the only human being on this planet with my type of problems..

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hippiechild, I don't believe that there is any one drug that you "must try at least once in your life". Just because a few people may have said that on a forum doesn't mean you have to do it People shouldn't do a drug simply because they feel they'll be missing out on something if they don't.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Hippiechild, I don't believe that there is any one drug that you "must try at least once in your life". Just because a few people may have said that on a forum doesn't mean you have to do it People shouldn't do a drug simply because they feel they'll be missing out on something if they don't.

That's exactly how I feel.. like i'm missing out on the ultimate trip.

 

[Dave]

Datura is not a trip. Seriously. It is the pharmacological equivalent of a literal sledgehammer to the head. It is a very bad idea to take it in the best of situations, and you've said flat out that your mindset is not that great right now. You are setting yourself up for disaster.

DO. NOT. DO. DATURA.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I'm sick of feeling the way I do. I feel like my mind is on the edge of being completely lost. It's like it's teasing me everyday. It's like my mind is saying, "You might lose me today. All it takes is one little bad thing to trigger it. And it might just happen today! Mwuahahahahaha! You belong to me now. You are my prisoner"

Let's see, because of my love for psychedelics/opiates, I screwed up my only chance to get into Yale university. I failed to sustain a relationship with girls that I might still be with today. I hurt the ones I loved the most. I'm a complete and total failure.