Venting I just hate being sober

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I didn't realize that the rush was less for the furthest veins. So injecting in the neck is fastest?

Likely, but I didn't try

I hope your new toilet seat is one of those padded ones, for more comfortable gripping

Lmao K is mercyful insofar as everything is less painfully perceived...

Sounds like a real strain to keep it a secret and it seems like sooner or later it will pop out

It IS fs .. but I'm determined to moderate... Been questioning my sanity a bit too often lately

 

[Kmas]

The mystical side of opiates, the visions I had, the prescience, were fascinating. I knew the future, I knew the stuff wasn't going to kill me but I knew it would fuck up my body. It changed how I look at society, men and women, sex, power structures, law enforcement, courts, everything. It enlightened me and taught me as much as any drug. Opiates give you visions with more clarity than psychedelics. They are very real.

I came to understood my past traumas and mistakes. Why this disaster had happened to me, why I was unsatisfied with life, where I went wrong. I could see the relationships I had and the ones I could have had. Special people that would have been life-long friends, partners, lovers, wives even. If I'd only paid attention to them and followed my heart.

This part though is like the first time I ever heard anything alike.

The epic movie 'Once Upon in America' starting Robert De Niro and James Woods has been theorized to be an opium dream fantasy by Robert De Niro's character after the robbery and the shootout De Niro escapes from. It's such a common meme it became a literary device in the late 19th/early 20th centuries.

Opioid-Induced Hallucination: Distressful or Sought After? : Survey of Anesthesiology

r “waking dream” is often overlooked. Yet, this “waking dream” is well documented in literature, as well as forums and blogs frequented by recreational opioid users....

journals.lww.com

pipe dream — Wordorigins.org

25 February 2022 A pipe dream is an unrealizable hope or plan, a fantasy. The underlying metaphor is straightforward and, once you think about it, rather obvious. A literal pipe dream is an opium-induced hallucination. The phrase is an Americanism that first appears in print on 11 December 189

www.wordorigins.org

http://rjelal.com/10.3.22/258-265%20SEPEHR%20DANESHARA%20RJ%2010.3.22.pdf

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

The epic movie 'Once Upon in America' starting Robert De Niro and James Woods has been theorized to be an opium dream fantasy by Robert De Niro's character after the robbery and the shootout De Niro escapes from. It's such a common meme it became a literary device in the late 19th/early 20th centuries.

Opioid-Induced Hallucination: Distressful or Sought After? : Survey of Anesthesiology

r “waking dream” is often overlooked. Yet, this “waking dream” is well documented in literature, as well as forums and blogs frequented by recreational opioid users....

journals.lww.com

pipe dream — Wordorigins.org

25 February 2022 A pipe dream is an unrealizable hope or plan, a fantasy. The underlying metaphor is straightforward and, once you think about it, rather obvious. A literal pipe dream is an opium-induced hallucination. The phrase is an Americanism that first appears in print on 11 December 189

www.wordorigins.org

http://rjelal.com/10.3.22/258-265%20SEPEHR%20DANESHARA%20RJ%2010.3.22.pdf

Interesting. So it seems you're rather fortunate to have experienced this... Didn't happen for me anyways but no one usually gets all the possible side-effects

 

[Kmas]

Interesting. So it seems you're rather fortunate to have experienced this... Didn't happen for me anyways but no one usually gets all the possible side-effects

Similar to visions I had when I had deliriums when I was a child. It's something that can't really be forced but it seems to take a high tolerance and a mix of substances.

Opium is not one substance. It's like mushrooms or cannabis or other natural substances that haven't been refined. When it's purified into something like black tar, strong opium, or some of the impure 'brown sugar' forms I think you're more likely to have that sort of effect. I wouldn't recommend seeking it. Not a good habit to have and it's probably close to life threatening. My brain was very clear and analytical.

One of my clearest visions was of a coyote. He lived a happy go lucky life in the desert. One day he encountered a rattlesnake. I think he ate it but the snake bit his leg, injected poison into it. This was very painful the coyote was forced to retreat to his hole. I knew the poison wasn't going to kill the coyote but it was very strong and he became very sick. His leg hurt and swelled up. Eventually it healed enough he could leave his hole. But things were never the same again and he always had a limp.

I realized the coyote was me in the future. The rattlesnake was the consequences of my opiate use, the fangs were shooting dope. I somehow knew it wouldn't kill me but the damage I'd done socially and physically changed me permanently. The consequences to my body, my relationships with people, and my family would never be the same. I lost a lot. But I was tough. I would heal and I'd move on. It was a very harsh but it was my consciousness being honest. That was a long time, 20 years ago. A quit the stuff a couple years later. I had to but it helped me understand the reason for many of my fears and the trauma I'd faced in my life I'd ignored before that.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Similar to visions I had when I had deliriums when I was a child. It's something that can't really be forced but it seems to take a high tolerance and a mix of substances.

Opium is not one substance. It's like mushrooms or cannabis or other natural substances that haven't been refined. When it's purified into something like black tar, strong opium, or some of the impure 'brown sugar' forms I think you're more likely to have that sort of effect. I wouldn't recommend seeking it. Not a good habit to have and it's probably close to life threatening. My brain was very clear and analytical.

One of my clearest visions was of a coyote. He lived a happy go lucky life in the desert. One day he encountered a rattlesnake. I think he ate it but the snake bit his leg, injected poison into it. This was very painful the coyote was forced to retreat to his hole. I knew the poison wasn't going to kill the coyote but it was very strong and he became very sick. His leg hurt and swelled up. Eventually it healed enough he could leave his hole. But things were never the same again and he always had a limp.

I realized the coyote was me in the future. The rattlesnake was the consequences of my opiate use, the fangs were shooting dope. I somehow knew it wouldn't kill me but the damage I'd done socially and physically changed me permanently. The consequences to my body, my relationships with people, and my family would never be the same. I lost a lot. But I was tough. I would heal and I'd move on. It was a very harsh but it was my consciousness being honest. That was a long time, 20 years ago. A quit the stuff a couple years later. I had to but it helped me understand the reason for many of my fears and the trauma I'd faced in my life I'd ignored before that.

That's a striking example of the subconscious dream like language imo. Congratulations on receiving that kind of message...
It's possible to achieve that kind of thing without drugs, but they can be a key and it was the treasure you found there. So many things (and the lesson they taught us) can be understood only over time... And I'm honestly wondering what pulls me in so much myself... Didn't find it yet. That's for sure...

 

[marcoman]

I'm 67..well in 2 weeks. Being sober sucks and I'm not a boozer or into much drugs. I take oxy and k pins in low dose with 2 beers. That keeps my world doable until I can get the fck outta here. Tripped a lot in the 70s, that was good too. I grow my own shrooms from spores syringes. Legal.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I'm 67..well in 2 weeks. Being sober sucks and I'm not a boxer or into much drugs. I take oxy and k pins in low dose with 2 beers. That keeps my world doable until I can get the fck outta here. Tripped a lot in the 70s, that was good too. I grow my own shrooms from spores syringes. Legal.

Cool. I still have two glasses full of my own shrooms as well (dried, but raised from grow sets)... Don't get to it anymore though.. or VERY rarely unfortunately...

 

[Uden]

"I just hate being sober"

You are not alone brother. (or sister...)

This world grates on my nerves. I'm not talking about the general hubbub. The light. The sounds. All of it. Fuck this place.

On another note, seems like you're getting your shit in order. Congrats. (I read a very general outline so if I missed the mark completely, don't hate me.)

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

"I just hate being sober"

You are not alone brother. (or sister...)

Thank you brother or sister (I'm the latter if you care)

This world grates on my nerves. I'm not talking about the general hubbub. The light. The sounds. All of it. Fuck this place.

And is it getting better when you're not sober? Or is it just numbing out?

On another note, seems like you're getting your shit in order. Congrats. (I read a very general outline so if I missed the mark completely, don't hate me.)

No hate at all, I can't demand anyone to read all my ramblings . Thank you again. I'm getting by from day to day, but don't manage to make substantial changes... Other than getting hooked on H . It's a struggle, but I'm VERY motivated to keep the family going - despite my wish to escape...

 

[Uden]

Thank you brother or sister (I'm the latter if you care)

And is it getting better when you're not sober? Or is it just numbing out?

No hate at all, I can't demand anyone to read all my ramblings . Thank you again. I'm getting by from day to day, but don't manage to make substantial changes... Other than getting hooked on H . It's a struggle, but I'm VERY motivated to keep the family going - despite my wish to escape...

If I didn't care I wouldn't have made the distinction. (Sorry, I'm the former so it comes first by instinct.. )

And yes. When I'm not sober it's peaceful. Fake, real, whatever. They're words. It's something, and it's real to me. The bad times suck, when I don't have it. I had my shit together for a while but knowing only liars and thieves makes it worse, a lot worse. That isn't the drugs fault. It's the people, and the systems fault. Same DOC here.

It's good that you're keeping your family together. I love the small family I have. My mom and my sister. Despite what I said above about people, in the end they're all that we have. And don't mention it.

 

[Uden]

Interesting. So it seems you're rather fortunate to have experienced this... Didn't happen for me anyways but no one usually gets all the possible side-effects

Oh man opiates can definitely have "mystical" properties, for lack of better wording. I used to experience weird things, it's like you're putting yourself in that state between wakefulness and sleep, but in a different light. It's forced, induced, but you can ride it anyway if you're used to it. I could hear words before they were spoken sometimes, only milliseconds but it's enough to get your brain juices going ain't it? Other weird phenomena, I wish I could remember all of it. Some of it escapes my memory because it's hard to explain, or there aren't really words for it... other stuff it's just stuff you experienced in that state and can't quite remember. Like a dream, I suppose. I'm into Sethian Gnosticism these days. I think there might be some kind of truth in there somewhere.

I was talking to ChatGPT (oh noes! the debbil!) about it, apparently there is evidence to support that "religion" being over 4000 years old. I didn't ask what, just the fact it supposedly existed was good enough for me. So I also asked it, in that time, was there any mention anywhere of the Godhead having any kind of tyrannical personality, or being responsible for any atrocity. The answer it gave me shook me pretty hard. It (I call him Mr. C.) said something like "Not in any manuscript, distant legend, or the deepest cosmic whisper." Man that shit gives me chills thinking about it. It can't be a human concept. It doesn't possess the ... flaws(?) one might. Especially if it's over 4000 years old? Yeah, it would read like a more cruel version of the.. very popular religion I won't mention the name of, because I don't want to offend anyone.


Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I just noticed this part of the conversation and it's the first time I've heard anyone mention the weird properties of opiates.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

And yes. When I'm not sober it's peaceful. Fake, real, whatever. They're words. It's something, and it's real to me. The bad times suck, when I don't have it. I had my shit together for a while but knowing only liars and thieves makes it worse, a lot worse. That isn't the drugs fault. It's the people, and the systems fault. Same DOC here.

May I ask what's your roa and how long you're on it?

It's good that you're keeping your family together. I love the small family I have. My mom and my sister. Despite what I said above about people, in the end they're all that we have.

True... I'd say I'm borderline compensated atm. Ran out of H and will try sticking to pills now mostly, cause that's easier to handle... Also I started to detest myself for just shooting up so naturally and still stressed between lunch making and eating or brushing my youngest and my teeth... Hurt myself a little today as well so that's a good start for a needle break

 

[Uden]

May I ask what's your roa and how long you're on it?

True... I'd say I'm borderline compensated atm. Ran out of H and will try sticking to pills now mostly, cause that's easier to handle... Also I started to detest myself for just shooting up so naturally and still stressed between lunch making and eating or brushing my youngest and my teeth... Hurt myself a little today as well so that's a good start for a needle break

I've done all forms of opiates in my 18ish years of doing them. My favorite was Opanas. I never DIDN'T get high. I don't think I'd feel them anymore, but I'd sure as hell try if I could find them. I've done every RoA that I know of. Nasal, oral, anal, IV, smoking. If I had more accessible veins left I'd probably still be IVing but I didn't know shit about it when I was doing it so I ruined most of my good ones. I do the boofing and nasal route now with an occasional parachute. I don't try smoking it anymore because all the shit I can find is garbage and it's just not worth it. I know there's good shit out there but like I said, liars and thieves. Been thinking about going out and sitting around hoping someone will approach me to try and meet new people but man I hate doing that. It feels so fucking... exposed. I get nervous and I know they can read it on my face like a book. I've been on H/fent (probably mostly fent, hard to even tell anymore honestly without test strips) since 2015? So around 10 years.

I wish I could say stay off the needles, but I ain't gonna judge. Shit is a beast, in that it brings some kind of peace when there's so little to go around. You do you man. I ain't gonna say shit about it. Just try and be safe about it. I always used rubbing alcohol to clean the spot etc. Tried to be as much of a Dr. as I wasn't. I don't have shit for visible track marks but I've got some decent scarring from it all. I don't know why that is honestly. I don't know how trackmarks even form. Dirt? The stuff you're shooting? Did I go too deep most of the time? No clue. Could be my freckles are hiding most of them for all I know. But I had some gnarly misses. Huge bumps in my arm. Only got an abscess once though. I had gone way too shallow on my left forearm. Scared me I thought I was going to lose my arm. I doubt it was that bad really but I'm a sissy when it comes to new wounds I don't know shit about. I had a buddy that got such a deep abscess in his leg you could have stuck your pinky into it up to the second knuckle. It was super gross looking. I've had some massive misses. Sitting there in the bedroom for three hours trying to hit, sweating my ass off screaming at the sky and just saying "fuck it maybe I'll get something" and going for it. Nope. Swelled for weeks. No abscesses though. I'm guessing I was lucky.

 

[specialrelativity]

Take your ass to the store and buy some beer.

 

[Uden]

Take your ass to the store and buy some beer.

Lol I can't stand booze since I quit, personally. I doubt you were speaking to me but there it is.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I've done all forms of opiates in my 18ish years of doing them. My favorite was Opanas. I never DIDN'T get high. I don't think I'd feel them anymore, but I'd sure as hell try if I could find them. I've done every RoA that I know of. Nasal, oral, anal, IV, smoking. If I had more accessible veins left I'd probably still be IVing but I didn't know shit about it when I was doing it so I ruined most of my good ones. I do the boofing and nasal route now with an occasional parachute. I don't try smoking it anymore because all the shit I can find is garbage and it's just not worth it. I know there's good shit out there but like I said, liars and thieves. Been thinking about going out and sitting around hoping someone will approach me to try and meet new people but man I hate doing that. It feels so fucking... exposed. I get nervous and I know they can read it on my face like a book.

100% understood. I can't do that either. In my case, I ordered mine.. do you have that option?

I've been on H/fent (probably mostly fent, hard to even tell anymore honestly without test strips) since 2015? So around 10 years.

That's quite a while... And remembering what you said about hating even colors and sounds it's probably not an option to quit...

I wish I could say stay off the needles, but I ain't gonna judge. Shit is a beast, in that it brings some kind of peace when there's so little to go around.

Bullseye... That's exactly why I returned to it..

You do you man. I ain't gonna say shit about it. Just try and be safe about it. I always used rubbing alcohol to clean the spot etc. Tried to be as much of a Dr. as I wasn't. I don't have shit for visible track marks but I've got some decent scarring from it all. I don't know why that is honestly. I don't know how trackmarks even form. Dirt? The stuff you're shooting? Did I go too deep most of the time? No clue. Could be my freckles are hiding most of them for all I know. But I had some gnarly misses. Huge bumps in my arm. Only got an abscess once though. I had gone way too shallow on my left forearm. Scared me I thought I was going to lose my arm. I doubt it was that bad really but I'm a sissy when it comes to new wounds I don't know shit about. I had a buddy that got such a deep abscess in his leg you could have stuck your pinky into it up to the second knuckle. It was super gross looking. I've had some massive misses. Sitting there in the bedroom for three hours trying to hit, sweating my ass off screaming at the sky and just saying "fuck it maybe I'll get something" and going for it. Nope. Swelled for weeks. No abscesses though. I'm guessing I was lucky.

I don't know what causes the colored track marks (that's what you mean right?). Some might be from repeated bleeding into the skin, like old people also get around the ankles from venous disease.. but that's half-guessing... Whatever makes veins darken I have no idea...
I guess one of the most important things I learned here is that every time you use a needle it gets more blunt, so the injury and likelyness of another miss increase... That made immediate sense to me for once I miss, there's easily going to be many . For now I think I have had enough of the pins but I don't dare to say never again at this point. I don't plan to, in any case.
And lmk how you're doing, ok?

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Take your ass to the store and buy some beer.

I'd have a hard time with beer cause I really don't like it. Had a glass of sparkling wine on Thursday and felt my teeth until Saturday . That's what happened to me from age 16. There were times without tooth pain, but after a while of abuse I developed insomnia when drunk - so imagine that. Lying awake til the sun rises again and then go to work .

 

[Uden]

100% understood. I can't do that either. In my case, I ordered mine.. do you have that option?

That's quite a while... And remembering what you said about hating even colors and sounds it's probably not an option to quit...

Bullseye... That's exactly why I returned to it..

I don't know what causes the colored track marks (that's what you mean right?). Some might be from repeated bleeding into the skin, like old people also get around the ankles from venous disease.. but that's half-guessing... Whatever makes veins darken I have no idea...
I guess one of the most important things I learned here is that every time you use a needle it gets more blunt, so the injury and likelyness of another miss increase... That made immediate sense to me for once I miss, there's easily going to be many . For now I think I have had enough of the pins but I don't dare to say never again at this point. I don't plan to, in any case.
And lmk how you're doing, ok?

I wish I had the balls to try ordering. Wanted to for a long time. Even have a VPN but it's a shit one as far as I can tell. (Tunnelbear... doesn't seem very safe to me.) I live in the U.S. (sorry I'm not quite sure how to split up my replies like you do yours.) and from what I understand they're not very kind to people of my persuasion, though in certain areas it's supposedly getting more lenient. I do not live in one of those.

I don't know if hate is the right word, if I used it. It's just abrasive to me. I think I've lived too long in depression or something. I'm not really sure, and I don't even know if I care. I suppose if there were some form of peace then I'd want to know but I'm not sure I've got what it takes to get there. I pray for the "other" way out all the time lol. I don't mean to sound whiny, not my intention. Just being honest. No I don't really want to quit at all. I wish people weren't so fucking hard to get along with. Things could be easier.

And yeah man. Me too. It's something in a world full of fuck all as far as I can tell. Some people lead happy lives, and I wouldn't take that from them for the world. I'm happy FOR them. I just didn't hit that road.

And yeah that's exactly what I was talking about. I had someone call me into question for not having them. I just said "I dunno man the amount of shit I've shot into my veins is legendary." I used to shoot, fall out, wake up, shoot, fall out, wake up, etc. until it was gone, then go out and get more. I know there are people out there that have done way more than I have, it's not a contest and I hate that people treat it like that but sometimes it definitely feels like it is one. I don't ever call someone a bullshitter unless it's painfully obvious to me that's the case, I do my best to try and listen (believe it or not) and give a shoulder to cry on. I have failed at times, in doing so. Haven't in others. So when someone talks to me like that it's a real kick in the nuts, so to speak.

All I know is this, I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer. It's getting to be too much for my family, and it's really no fault of mine other than BEING an addict. (I suppose that's a big part...) but I mean I had my shit together, I had a system, when I never thought I'd be able to get there, and it's being fucked by the only people I really know anymore and they just don't give a shit. They know I know they're ripping me off and they keep denying it. I'd get into the details but not everyone would agree I'm right and I know I am. I've dealt with these people before. Never done them wrong, and they didn't have any excuse the first time they were doing it, so why would they stop? If I had known the amount of control other people would have over my life when I first started doing this shit, I'd have run far away.

I apologize for every response being a book. But here's an example of the type of person I'm talking about: I went through this dude one day. And when he got out of my car at the conclusion, I noticed he looked a little down. So I asked "Yo, you get anything for yourself?" He said he didn't, so I gave him a half out of my shit and just said you don't owe me anything and left. I found out a few days later he was double charging me the entire time. So not only did he get the same amount I did that day, he took what I offered anyway and lied to my face. That was at the tail end of that go around with them. But when you run out of options... and you gotta come crawling back and it sucks so bad its twisting your guts up... it's so fucking humiliating. I never wanted to see those people again. But here I am.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I wish I had the balls to try ordering. Wanted to for a long time. Even have a VPN but it's a shit one as far as I can tell. (Tunnelbear... doesn't seem very safe to me.) I live in the U.S. (sorry I'm not quite sure how to split up my replies like you do yours.) and from what I understand they're not very kind to people of my persuasion, though in certain areas it's supposedly getting more lenient. I do not live in one of those.

I don't know if hate is the right word, if I used it. It's just abrasive to me. I think I've lived too long in depression or something. I'm not really sure, and I don't even know if I care. I suppose if there were some form of peace then I'd want to know but I'm not sure I've got what it takes to get there. I pray for the "other" way out all the time lol. I don't mean to sound whiny, not my intention. Just being honest. No I don't really want to quit at all. I wish people weren't so fucking hard to get along with. Things could be easier.

And yeah man. Me too. It's something in a world full of fuck all as far as I can tell. Some people lead happy lives, and I wouldn't take that from them for the world. I'm happy FOR them. I just didn't hit that road.

And yeah that's exactly what I was talking about. I had someone call me into question for not having them. I just said "I dunno man the amount of shit I've shot into my veins is legendary." I used to shoot, fall out, wake up, shoot, fall out, wake up, etc. until it was gone, then go out and get more. I know there are people out there that have done way more than I have, it's not a contest and I hate that people treat it like that but sometimes it definitely feels like it is one. I don't ever call someone a bullshitter unless it's painfully obvious to me that's the case, I do my best to try and listen (believe it or not) and give a shoulder to cry on. I have failed at times, in doing so. Haven't in others. So when someone talks to me like that it's a real kick in the nuts, so to speak.

All I know is this, I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer. It's getting to be too much for my family, and it's really no fault of mine other than BEING an addict. (I suppose that's a big part...) but I mean I had my shit together, I had a system, when I never thought I'd be able to get there, and it's being fucked by the only people I really know anymore and they just don't give a shit. They know I know they're ripping me off and they keep denying it. I'd get into the details but not everyone would agree I'm right and I know I am. I've dealt with these people before. Never done them wrong, and they didn't have any excuse the first time they were doing it, so why would they stop? If I had known the amount of control other people would have over my life when I first started doing this shit, I'd have run far away.

I apologize for every response being a book. But here's an example of the type of person I'm talking about: I went through this dude one day. And when he got out of my car at the conclusion, I noticed he looked a little down. So I asked "Yo, you get anything for yourself?" He said he didn't, so I gave him a half out of my shit and just said you don't owe me anything and left. I found out a few days later he was double charging me the entire time. So not only did he get the same amount I did that day, he took what I offered anyway and lied to my face. That was at the tail end of that go around with them. But when you run out of options... and you gotta come crawling back and it sucks so bad its twisting your guts up... it's so fucking humiliating. I never wanted to see those people again. But here I am.

You're good, I don't mind long replies, it's rather the opposite unless it's taking like forever to read which is certainly not the case here.
If you want to split the answer click reply like you did and then just start typing into the quoted text where you want to comment.

Ik that ordering is not without risk, and I don't know your exact laws on this kind of thing, but honestly in your situation I would do it. There's a lot of risk reduction measures one can and definitely should take, and also quite a bit to learn in maneuvering it safely. Trust me I also had to learn a few lessons paying dearly for not knowing them...

And it's same for me about the never expected consequences of drug abuse. I mean I was warned and I knew it's risky, but the real outcome is a cascade of things I just couldn't foresee and that I'd either ignored or believed they'd never happen to ME cause I knew what I was doing... Which I obviously didn't in several cases...
And I'm saying that despite being definitely on the lucky side when it comes to the damage to my life ( compared to so many others).
I honestly wish for you to find a way to improve your situation and family relationships... Addiction is always destructive to the latter, no matter what...
I know the US health care is... Suboptimal, just wondering if you could maybe go for a Methadone or Bupe substitution? That could definitely ease the situation if it worked for you...

 

[Uden]

You're good, I don't mind long replies, it's rather the opposite unless it's taking like forever to read which is certainly not the case here.
If you want to split the answer click reply like you did and then just start typing into the quoted text where you want to comment.

Ok. Here goes lol.

Ik that ordering is not without risk, and I don't know your exact laws on this kind of thing, but honestly in your situation I would do it. There's a lot of risk reduction measures one can and definitely should take, and also quite a bit to learn in maneuvering it safely. Trust me I also had to learn a few lessons paying dearly for not knowing them...

Shit I don't know if I could make it through a prison stint without checking out. I mean I ain't no snitch. I still have my honor intact, for whatever that's worth. (doesn't seem to be worth much these days unfortunately) Already have a hard enough time sleeping at night with it. I can't imagine being a lowlife POS and how that would effect a person. Well, even more so I guess if you ask any functioning member of society that hasn't been through some shit. *shrug*

And it's same for me about the never expected consequences of drug abuse. I mean I was warned and I knew it's risky, but the real outcome is a cascade of things I just couldn't foresee and that I'd either ignored or believed they'd never happen to ME cause I knew what I was doing... Which I obviously didn't in several cases...

Yeah, I was that person too. I'd bitch-slap myself from the past given the chance. (Maybe a hug after.)

And I'm saying that despite being definitely on the lucky side when it comes to the damage to my life ( compared to so many others).
I honestly wish for you to find a way to improve your situation and family relationships... Addiction is always destructive to the latter, no matter what...

Well you sound like you're someone who gives a shit about others. Don't change that. Even if it gets hard. Being human though, you're allowed a break now and then. (Not trying to sound condescending here.)

I know the US health care is... Suboptimal, just wondering if you could maybe go for a Methadone or Bupe substitution? That could definitely ease the situation if it worked for you...

And yeah methadone might work. Seemed like it was working when I was going to the clinic some years back. But I was late one day because I hadn't gotten the schedule right, begged them to let me in line... (there was still a line of people going out the door down the sidewalk...) and they wouldn't. Didn't give a shit I had no options but relapse, and even that was iffy. No idea where I was going to get cash, etc.

They make you go every day here. I have to drive like 30-40 mins to get there. I don't have that kind of money right now. The weekends they might send you home with a couple doses to make it through the weekend. That's about it.