Venting I just hate being sober

[KurtAurelius]

I can’t really deal with being fully sober, as I suspect I have serious issues with endogenous production of happy chemicals etc.

I get by adequately on cannabis + caffeine, it’s my normal for me at the moment.

Without it I just have no energy and I am severely depressed, to the point all I think about no matter what I do is suicide. (I keep a robust routine outside of it, including exercise, hobbies, social life, diet etc, it unfortunately doesn’t hold me on its own)

I understand how silly and ridiculous it sounds but these 2 things together generally make me feel okay and willingly wish to participate in life versus without.

I tend to use low THC with high CBD/CBG. And I prefer drinking black tea with camomile. Generally have 4 cups of tea a day. I add in 2 coffees if I need it.

I only smoke 0.25g of THC weed a day but I smoke too much material due to smoking cbd weed.. no baccy but all those king papers and plant material yuck.

Switching to a dry herb vape ASAP.

Else I’ll use Methylphenidate periodically..

And Codeine/Dihydrocodeine periodically but been keeping off those for a t break.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I can’t really deal with being fully sober, as I suspect I have serious issues with endogenous production of happy chemicals etc.

I get by adequately on cannabis + caffeine, it’s my normal for me at the moment.

Without it I just have no energy and I am severely depressed, to the point all I think about no matter what I do is suicide. (I keep a robust routine outside of it, including exercise, hobbies, social life, diet etc, it unfortunately doesn’t hold me on its own)

I understand how silly and ridiculous it sounds but these 2 things together generally make me feel okay and willingly wish to participate in life versus without.

I tend to use low THC with high CBD/CBG. And I prefer drinking black tea with camomile. Generally have 4 cups of tea a day. I add in 2 coffees if I need it.

I only smoke 0.5g of THC weed a day but I smoke too much material due to smoking cbd weed.. no baccy but all those king papers and plant material yuck.

Switching to a dry herb vape ASAP.

Else I’ll use Methylphenidate periodically..

And Codeine/Dihydrocodeine periodically but been keeping off those for a t break.

I have a dry herb vape and it's the only way I use cannabis. I had concentrates and they were generally too strong, put me to sleep in the worst moments and made me near OD on H . Which is why I eventually gave away 100+ € worth of them. Btw vaping concentrates is a killer for the lungs, so I took them all orally which was a pain to measure and dose properly...

We all have different needs and for me pot is but an emergency solution. It's too confusing for work ime, so I use it rarely and usually at night.

 

[washingtonbound]

I have been in a weird place recently where I can see how substances make my state of mind worse long term, but full abstinence seems unbelievably dull and pointless. I was badly addicted to nicotine pouches to the point where my gums would bleed when I brushed my teeth, finally quit that and substituted that habit with kratom. This hasn't been a good decision as Kratom makes me very agitated and causes anxiety to spike randomly throughout the day. THC makes me feel terrible now, but I used some yesterday out of boredom and paid the price for it.

I'm in my 30s now and drugs really aren't that fun or useful to me anymore, at the same time there is nothing at all that excites me enough to motivate me towards long term sobriety. It's like my brain is done with drugs but I am done with sobriety after a week or so.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I have been in a weird place recently where I can see how substances make my state of mind worse long term, but full abstinence seems unbelievably dull and pointless. I was badly addicted to nicotine pouches to the point where my gums would bleed when I brushed my teeth, finally quit that and substituted that habit with kratom. This hasn't been a good decision as Kratom makes me very agitated and causes anxiety to spike randomly throughout the day. THC makes me feel terrible now, but I used some yesterday out of boredom and paid the price for it.

I'm in my 30s now and drugs really aren't that fun or useful to me anymore, at the same time there is nothing at all that excites me enough to motivate me towards long term sobriety. It's like my brain is done with drugs but I am done with sobriety after a week or so.

Different drugs but same feeling and result. I spoiled traditional opioids by switching to Kratom - and only realized that, when I was told yesterday. It's suddenly making sense that I had to up my doses 3-4x to feel them when I switched back occasionally. Then went for 7oh to feel something - now the Kratom is spoiled as well. I have no choice anymore though, I have to move back... But it's hard since it's as you said, nothing brings me joy anymore. And being sober feels like a desert wasteland... But what's even worse is the lack of perspective. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nor the way or even an idea what to do about it... For now NA is my best bet. We'll see.

 

[Hannah Capps]

 

[MedicinalUser247]

Yeah... Being sober sucks. I wish I had a few drinks in me. I'd just love that.

 

[washingtonbound]

Different drugs but same feeling and result. I spoiled traditional opioids by switching to Kratom - and only realized that, when I was told yesterday. It's suddenly making sense that I had to up my doses 3-4x to feel them when I switched back occasionally. Then went for 7oh to feel something - now the Kratom is spoiled as well. I have no choice anymore though, I have to move back... But it's hard since it's as you said, nothing brings me joy anymore. And being sober feels like a desert wasteland... But what's even worse is the lack of perspective. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nor the way or even an idea what to do about it... For now NA is my best bet. We'll see.

When experiencing comedown/withdrawal effects, I'm reminded how shitty substances are for my brain at this point. When I remain sober, I think about chasing a high and seem to forget about the comedowns, go figure.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

When experiencing comedown/withdrawal effects, I'm reminded how shitty substances are for my brain at this point. When I remain sober, I think about chasing a high and seem to forget about the comedowns, go figure.

Felt. I'm about a decade older than you and the physical or call it neurological strain is un-ignorable. It takes so much of energy just to function in daily life... The exhaustion is tangible on all levels, so to speak.
It's interesting, btw., that you're also noticing agitation with Kratom. I'm usually the only one complaining about that ... Anything stimulating is directly visible in the level of tremor I get (from a substance or events). And it can be extremely embarrassing... Though the aggression (with Kratom) is likely more destructive .
When I think of all the bs that happened because of drugs, and the sheer time I keep spending on them, it's really scary sometimes... No person in their right mind would keep doing drugs in my situation, I'm sure about that. And yet it's so hard to stop. Every withdrawal takes so much of time and effort... And at the latest on day 3 I'm right back
I've come to realize that I need help. It's screaming at me from every direction...


I actually confessed to my Mom two days ago. The last person I ever thought I'd tell (as she's 110% anti-drugs)... I surprised myself by staying perfectly calm while talking to her - and she took it surprisingly well. It feels like I've become much more of an adult somehow ... And it's so tiring to hide all the time.. I'm seriously considering to tell my boss next. Though it could damage me as well... I didn't even tell my sister yet...

 

[washingtonbound]

Felt. I'm about a decade older than you and the physical or call it neurological strain is un-ignorable. It takes so much of energy just to function in daily life... The exhaustion is tangible on all levels, so to speak.
It's interesting, btw., that you're also noticing agitation with Kratom. I'm usually the only one complaining about that ... Anything stimulating is directly visible in the level of tremor I get (from a substance or events). And it can be extremely embarrassing... Though the aggression (with Kratom) is likely more destructive .
When I think of all the bs that happened because of drugs, and the sheer time I keep spending on them, it's really scary sometimes... No person in their right mind would keep doing drugs in my situation, I'm sure about that. And yet it's so hard to stop. Every withdrawal takes so much of time and effort... And at the latest on day 3 I'm right back
I've come to realize that I need help. It's screaming at me from every direction...


I actually confessed to my Mom two days ago. The last person I ever thought I'd tell (as she's 110% anti-drugs)... I surprised myself by staying perfectly calm while talking to her - and she took it surprisingly well. It feels like I've become much more of an adult somehow ... And it's so tiring to hide all the time.. I'm seriously considering to tell my boss next. Though it could damage me as well... I didn't even tell my sister yet...

Opiates in general have always caused a degree of agitation with me and kratom has similar receptor activity so I see the correlation. Causes much more hyperactivity and agitation than relaxed euphoria. I am disturbed by my inability to give up substances as well. I developed a psychotic disorder in my early twenties from heavy psychedelic use and spent many years in a vegetative state cycling in and out of the hospital any time I would binge on ketamine or whatever else, basically ruined most of my twenties. Quit those types of drugs around 27 but would still abuse other things from time to time. At 31 now my brain becomes extremely stressed out with any type of drug, including "soft" drugs like weed, nicotine or kratom. Kratom is the last thing I'm trying to quit, which I don't even understand why I use since I get so keyed up on it. Drugs don't provide any benefits or value to me anymore and I wish I had something more productive to occupy my time with. At the moment I sit around unemployed and bored to death collecting social security. Still living at home and disgusted with myself. Have next to zero energy for daily functioning as well, caffeine hardly helps, lasts about a half hour followed by a crash.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Opiates in general have always caused a degree of agitation with me and kratom has similar receptor activity so I see the correlation. Causes much more hyperactivity and agitation than relaxed euphoria. I am disturbed by my inability to give up substances as well. I developed a psychotic disorder in my early twenties from heavy psychedelic use and spent many years in a vegetative state cycling in and out of the hospital any time I would binge on ketamine or whatever else, basically ruined most of my twenties. Quit those types of drugs around 27 but would still abuse other things from time to time. At 31 now my brain becomes extremely stressed out with any type of drug, including "soft" drugs like weed, nicotine or kratom. Kratom is the last thing I'm trying to quit, which I don't even understand why I use since I get so keyed up on it. Drugs don't provide any benefits or value to me anymore and I wish I had something more productive to occupy my time with. At the moment I sit around unemployed and bored to death collecting social security. Still living at home and disgusted with myself. Have next to zero energy for daily functioning as well, caffeine hardly helps, lasts about a half hour followed by a crash.

You've come a long way, I see... And despite the "all natural" marketing I wouldn't call Kratom a soft drug at all. It's an opioid, atypical but still able to up tolerance for classical opis considerably, same type of high and works as a replacement, too...
I don't know how you might get out of your cycle... What I heard works for some is getting into heavy exercise. If that works it will also be good for health as long as you don't overdo it... And in my case I appreciate NA a lot so far. Groups vary a lot around the world it seems, but it's possible to find precious contacts there. People who understand those issues and ideally won't judge you for it... I'm glad I took the step in so far. Don't know much about the other steps yet, but I'm going to see how that goes...

 

[washingtonbound]

You've come a long way, I see... And despite the "all natural" marketing I wouldn't call Kratom a soft drug at all. It's an opioid, atypical but still able to up tolerance for classical opis considerably, same type of high and works as a replacement, too...
I don't know how you might get out of your cycle... What I heard works for some is getting into heavy exercise. If that works it will also be good for health as long as you don't overdo it... And in my case I appreciate NA a lot so far. Groups vary a lot around the world it seems, but it's possible to find precious contacts there. People who understand those issues and ideally won't judge you for it... I'm glad I took the step in so far. Don't know much about the other steps yet, but I'm going to see how that goes...

Great to hear that you get something positive out of NA meetings. In my case, there were too many holy rollers for me at a few rehabs, causing me to develop anxiety in those group settings. I don't like the "surrender to a power greater than yourself" talk. I'm agnostic and don't do well with any sort of god stuff.
Exercise is helpful temporarily but I haven't been able to get lasting relief from it. Probably will take more time of the dreaded sobriety for my brain to reset itself.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Great to hear that you get something positive out of NA meetings. In my case, there were too many holy rollers for me at a few rehabs, causing me to develop anxiety in those group settings.

I see... In the online meetings I was at so far, there's a very short speaking time (5 minutes max) and very clear rule to not comment on others' shared content but only speak about oneself. Before or after there's ofc the possibility to chat normally as well. So far I didn't experience any overbearing behavior.

I don't like the "surrender to a power greater than yourself" talk. I'm agnostic and don't do well with any sort of god stuff.

Again I can only judge from a few meetings, but there was a great emphasis on the freedom of every person to define that higher power as whatever it may be for each individual. There were some clearly self-defining as agnostics there, too, and I guess because I was new, they talked about their own issues with anything hinting at religious content. You're explicitely allowed to keep that higher power at a completely personal level, as in fate, mother nature or whatever really. You can keep it completely undefined as well. I think the main point of the mentioning of a higher power is to lift the often crushingly heavy responsibility off the individuals' shoulders and really let go of the struggle. Cause this constant fight with one's "demon" is so exhausting and binding incredible energy just to fight it all the time... The sheer idea of actually giving up and surrendering (to whatever or even nothing at all, but just really give up the fight), that really struck me. I was sitting there with eyes and ears open wide and almost started to cry...

Exercise is helpful temporarily but I haven't been able to get lasting relief from it. Probably will take more time of the dreaded sobriety for my brain to reset itself.

Yes, time is definitely a factor...
I remembered something else, that I find very helpful for me personally and I really like doing: just keep a diary. I used to have one for the longest time, but it became a victim of my abuse.. So recently I started again with a local app (means not online but on the mobile), as I'm stuck to the phone anyway and merely fetching the book and writing in some sort of calm atmosphere was too much asked . Anyway I'm so glad I finally did this so I can keep track of whatever and sort out my thoughts every day...