Venting I just hate being sober

[KurtAurelius]

I can’t really deal with being fully sober, as I suspect I have serious issues with endogenous production of happy chemicals etc.

I get by adequately on cannabis + caffeine, it’s my normal for me at the moment.

Without it I just have no energy and I am severely depressed, to the point all I think about no matter what I do is suicide. (I keep a robust routine outside of it, including exercise, hobbies, social life, diet etc, it unfortunately doesn’t hold me on its own)

I understand how silly and ridiculous it sounds but these 2 things together generally make me feel okay and willingly wish to participate in life versus without.

I tend to use low THC with high CBD/CBG. And I prefer drinking black tea with camomile. Generally have 4 cups of tea a day. I add in 2 coffees if I need it.

I only smoke 0.25g of THC weed a day but I smoke too much material due to smoking cbd weed.. no baccy but all those king papers and plant material yuck.

Switching to a dry herb vape ASAP.

Else I’ll use Methylphenidate periodically..

And Codeine/Dihydrocodeine periodically but been keeping off those for a t break.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I can’t really deal with being fully sober, as I suspect I have serious issues with endogenous production of happy chemicals etc.

I get by adequately on cannabis + caffeine, it’s my normal for me at the moment.

Without it I just have no energy and I am severely depressed, to the point all I think about no matter what I do is suicide. (I keep a robust routine outside of it, including exercise, hobbies, social life, diet etc, it unfortunately doesn’t hold me on its own)

I understand how silly and ridiculous it sounds but these 2 things together generally make me feel okay and willingly wish to participate in life versus without.

I tend to use low THC with high CBD/CBG. And I prefer drinking black tea with camomile. Generally have 4 cups of tea a day. I add in 2 coffees if I need it.

I only smoke 0.5g of THC weed a day but I smoke too much material due to smoking cbd weed.. no baccy but all those king papers and plant material yuck.

Switching to a dry herb vape ASAP.

Else I’ll use Methylphenidate periodically..

And Codeine/Dihydrocodeine periodically but been keeping off those for a t break.

I have a dry herb vape and it's the only way I use cannabis. I had concentrates and they were generally too strong, put me to sleep in the worst moments and made me near OD on H . Which is why I eventually gave away 100+ € worth of them. Btw vaping concentrates is a killer for the lungs, so I took them all orally which was a pain to measure and dose properly...

We all have different needs and for me pot is but an emergency solution. It's too confusing for work ime, so I use it rarely and usually at night.

 

[washingtonbound]

I have been in a weird place recently where I can see how substances make my state of mind worse long term, but full abstinence seems unbelievably dull and pointless. I was badly addicted to nicotine pouches to the point where my gums would bleed when I brushed my teeth, finally quit that and substituted that habit with kratom. This hasn't been a good decision as Kratom makes me very agitated and causes anxiety to spike randomly throughout the day. THC makes me feel terrible now, but I used some yesterday out of boredom and paid the price for it.

I'm in my 30s now and drugs really aren't that fun or useful to me anymore, at the same time there is nothing at all that excites me enough to motivate me towards long term sobriety. It's like my brain is done with drugs but I am done with sobriety after a week or so.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I have been in a weird place recently where I can see how substances make my state of mind worse long term, but full abstinence seems unbelievably dull and pointless. I was badly addicted to nicotine pouches to the point where my gums would bleed when I brushed my teeth, finally quit that and substituted that habit with kratom. This hasn't been a good decision as Kratom makes me very agitated and causes anxiety to spike randomly throughout the day. THC makes me feel terrible now, but I used some yesterday out of boredom and paid the price for it.

I'm in my 30s now and drugs really aren't that fun or useful to me anymore, at the same time there is nothing at all that excites me enough to motivate me towards long term sobriety. It's like my brain is done with drugs but I am done with sobriety after a week or so.

Different drugs but same feeling and result. I spoiled traditional opioids by switching to Kratom - and only realized that, when I was told yesterday. It's suddenly making sense that I had to up my doses 3-4x to feel them when I switched back occasionally. Then went for 7oh to feel something - now the Kratom is spoiled as well. I have no choice anymore though, I have to move back... But it's hard since it's as you said, nothing brings me joy anymore. And being sober feels like a desert wasteland... But what's even worse is the lack of perspective. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nor the way or even an idea what to do about it... For now NA is my best bet. We'll see.

 

[Hannah Capps]

 

[MedicinalUser247]

Yeah... Being sober sucks. I wish I had a few drinks in me. I'd just love that.

 

[washingtonbound]

Different drugs but same feeling and result. I spoiled traditional opioids by switching to Kratom - and only realized that, when I was told yesterday. It's suddenly making sense that I had to up my doses 3-4x to feel them when I switched back occasionally. Then went for 7oh to feel something - now the Kratom is spoiled as well. I have no choice anymore though, I have to move back... But it's hard since it's as you said, nothing brings me joy anymore. And being sober feels like a desert wasteland... But what's even worse is the lack of perspective. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nor the way or even an idea what to do about it... For now NA is my best bet. We'll see.

When experiencing comedown/withdrawal effects, I'm reminded how shitty substances are for my brain at this point. When I remain sober, I think about chasing a high and seem to forget about the comedowns, go figure.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

When experiencing comedown/withdrawal effects, I'm reminded how shitty substances are for my brain at this point. When I remain sober, I think about chasing a high and seem to forget about the comedowns, go figure.

Felt. I'm about a decade older than you and the physical or call it neurological strain is un-ignorable. It takes so much of energy just to function in daily life... The exhaustion is tangible on all levels, so to speak.
It's interesting, btw., that you're also noticing agitation with Kratom. I'm usually the only one complaining about that ... Anything stimulating is directly visible in the level of tremor I get (from a substance or events). And it can be extremely embarrassing... Though the aggression (with Kratom) is likely more destructive .
When I think of all the bs that happened because of drugs, and the sheer time I keep spending on them, it's really scary sometimes... No person in their right mind would keep doing drugs in my situation, I'm sure about that. And yet it's so hard to stop. Every withdrawal takes so much of time and effort... And at the latest on day 3 I'm right back
I've come to realize that I need help. It's screaming at me from every direction...


I actually confessed to my Mom two days ago. The last person I ever thought I'd tell (as she's 110% anti-drugs)... I surprised myself by staying perfectly calm while talking to her - and she took it surprisingly well. It feels like I've become much more of an adult somehow ... And it's so tiring to hide all the time.. I'm seriously considering to tell my boss next. Though it could damage me as well... I didn't even tell my sister yet...

 

[washingtonbound]

Felt. I'm about a decade older than you and the physical or call it neurological strain is un-ignorable. It takes so much of energy just to function in daily life... The exhaustion is tangible on all levels, so to speak.
It's interesting, btw., that you're also noticing agitation with Kratom. I'm usually the only one complaining about that ... Anything stimulating is directly visible in the level of tremor I get (from a substance or events). And it can be extremely embarrassing... Though the aggression (with Kratom) is likely more destructive .
When I think of all the bs that happened because of drugs, and the sheer time I keep spending on them, it's really scary sometimes... No person in their right mind would keep doing drugs in my situation, I'm sure about that. And yet it's so hard to stop. Every withdrawal takes so much of time and effort... And at the latest on day 3 I'm right back
I've come to realize that I need help. It's screaming at me from every direction...


I actually confessed to my Mom two days ago. The last person I ever thought I'd tell (as she's 110% anti-drugs)... I surprised myself by staying perfectly calm while talking to her - and she took it surprisingly well. It feels like I've become much more of an adult somehow ... And it's so tiring to hide all the time.. I'm seriously considering to tell my boss next. Though it could damage me as well... I didn't even tell my sister yet...

Opiates in general have always caused a degree of agitation with me and kratom has similar receptor activity so I see the correlation. Causes much more hyperactivity and agitation than relaxed euphoria. I am disturbed by my inability to give up substances as well. I developed a psychotic disorder in my early twenties from heavy psychedelic use and spent many years in a vegetative state cycling in and out of the hospital any time I would binge on ketamine or whatever else, basically ruined most of my twenties. Quit those types of drugs around 27 but would still abuse other things from time to time. At 31 now my brain becomes extremely stressed out with any type of drug, including "soft" drugs like weed, nicotine or kratom. Kratom is the last thing I'm trying to quit, which I don't even understand why I use since I get so keyed up on it. Drugs don't provide any benefits or value to me anymore and I wish I had something more productive to occupy my time with. At the moment I sit around unemployed and bored to death collecting social security. Still living at home and disgusted with myself. Have next to zero energy for daily functioning as well, caffeine hardly helps, lasts about a half hour followed by a crash.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Opiates in general have always caused a degree of agitation with me and kratom has similar receptor activity so I see the correlation. Causes much more hyperactivity and agitation than relaxed euphoria. I am disturbed by my inability to give up substances as well. I developed a psychotic disorder in my early twenties from heavy psychedelic use and spent many years in a vegetative state cycling in and out of the hospital any time I would binge on ketamine or whatever else, basically ruined most of my twenties. Quit those types of drugs around 27 but would still abuse other things from time to time. At 31 now my brain becomes extremely stressed out with any type of drug, including "soft" drugs like weed, nicotine or kratom. Kratom is the last thing I'm trying to quit, which I don't even understand why I use since I get so keyed up on it. Drugs don't provide any benefits or value to me anymore and I wish I had something more productive to occupy my time with. At the moment I sit around unemployed and bored to death collecting social security. Still living at home and disgusted with myself. Have next to zero energy for daily functioning as well, caffeine hardly helps, lasts about a half hour followed by a crash.

You've come a long way, I see... And despite the "all natural" marketing I wouldn't call Kratom a soft drug at all. It's an opioid, atypical but still able to up tolerance for classical opis considerably, same type of high and works as a replacement, too...
I don't know how you might get out of your cycle... What I heard works for some is getting into heavy exercise. If that works it will also be good for health as long as you don't overdo it... And in my case I appreciate NA a lot so far. Groups vary a lot around the world it seems, but it's possible to find precious contacts there. People who understand those issues and ideally won't judge you for it... I'm glad I took the step in so far. Don't know much about the other steps yet, but I'm going to see how that goes...

 

[washingtonbound]

You've come a long way, I see... And despite the "all natural" marketing I wouldn't call Kratom a soft drug at all. It's an opioid, atypical but still able to up tolerance for classical opis considerably, same type of high and works as a replacement, too...
I don't know how you might get out of your cycle... What I heard works for some is getting into heavy exercise. If that works it will also be good for health as long as you don't overdo it... And in my case I appreciate NA a lot so far. Groups vary a lot around the world it seems, but it's possible to find precious contacts there. People who understand those issues and ideally won't judge you for it... I'm glad I took the step in so far. Don't know much about the other steps yet, but I'm going to see how that goes...

Great to hear that you get something positive out of NA meetings. In my case, there were too many holy rollers for me at a few rehabs, causing me to develop anxiety in those group settings. I don't like the "surrender to a power greater than yourself" talk. I'm agnostic and don't do well with any sort of god stuff.
Exercise is helpful temporarily but I haven't been able to get lasting relief from it. Probably will take more time of the dreaded sobriety for my brain to reset itself.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Great to hear that you get something positive out of NA meetings. In my case, there were too many holy rollers for me at a few rehabs, causing me to develop anxiety in those group settings.

I see... In the online meetings I was at so far, there's a very short speaking time (5 minutes max) and very clear rule to not comment on others' shared content but only speak about oneself. Before or after there's ofc the possibility to chat normally as well. So far I didn't experience any overbearing behavior.

I don't like the "surrender to a power greater than yourself" talk. I'm agnostic and don't do well with any sort of god stuff.

Again I can only judge from a few meetings, but there was a great emphasis on the freedom of every person to define that higher power as whatever it may be for each individual. There were some clearly self-defining as agnostics there, too, and I guess because I was new, they talked about their own issues with anything hinting at religious content. You're explicitely allowed to keep that higher power at a completely personal level, as in fate, mother nature or whatever really. You can keep it completely undefined as well. I think the main point of the mentioning of a higher power is to lift the often crushingly heavy responsibility off the individuals' shoulders and really let go of the struggle. Cause this constant fight with one's "demon" is so exhausting and binding incredible energy just to fight it all the time... The sheer idea of actually giving up and surrendering (to whatever or even nothing at all, but just really give up the fight), that really struck me. I was sitting there with eyes and ears open wide and almost started to cry...

Exercise is helpful temporarily but I haven't been able to get lasting relief from it. Probably will take more time of the dreaded sobriety for my brain to reset itself.

Yes, time is definitely a factor...
I remembered something else, that I find very helpful for me personally and I really like doing: just keep a diary. I used to have one for the longest time, but it became a victim of my abuse.. So recently I started again with a local app (means not online but on the mobile), as I'm stuck to the phone anyway and merely fetching the book and writing in some sort of calm atmosphere was too much asked . Anyway I'm so glad I finally did this so I can keep track of whatever and sort out my thoughts every day...

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Update 3 months later:
I finally finished the longest and most properly done taper so far, slipped 5-6 times since and crossed the border to compulsive redosing, too. I don't remember having that before. It's day 12 clean today (aside sleep meds) - which I didn't manage once in the last 2 years - and I'm still feeling like shit. Tired and weak from the moment I wake up, no appetite and can hardly eat, means I have to force myself and still can't finish a normal portion of anything. I honestly believed I could get away without paws or cover it during that long taper. Obviously wrong. I wish I could just stay in bed all day...

The fact I even made it this far is owed to NA, clearly. I've had the honor of a veteran (that's what I call him) offering to stay in contact... He's been through all stages of hell and knows all the little cheats... So it didn't take long til he found out that I'm still keeping the shit around and asked me to throw it... I said No (no, no, like Amy)... Usually I'm not one to get cornered easily and I can fight like a beast... But I didn't fight him, because he questioned from a point of understanding... "You can tell that to your social worker, but I'm not a social worker."... I never felt so fake and ashamed and wanted to vanish into the chair I was sitting on... Almost cried but at the same time I was incredibly happy -- no one ever bothered or managed to force me to face reality like this before...
Still didn't throw it and the relapse is scheduled... This time it has to be the last though... Cause one thing is certain: It gets harder every time... But I'm a fkn addict and obviously I didn't reach my final low yet

 

[Ki3ly]

Wow. @Mushoku_Sensei I read a lot of your posts. You seem to be making such a tremendous effort towards your goal to taper
and do so well with each post and comments.


But really, my take on it all is that, the hardest challenges look simple only after they are finished. While you are going through the pain, it feels like pure torture and never-ending suffering. Once you finally heal, your brain softens the memory of that trauma. You forget exactly how bad the pain felt.

Ultimately, this means you are doing something incredibly hard. Even if it feels like torment now, surviving it is a massive achievement. Once you are fully healed, you will look back on this exact time and be amazed that you had the strength to get through it.

And now it seems that you are almost finished with all the acute ( what I called the initial suffering ) phase and moving towards the chronic
part referred to as ( PAWS ) that can be very prolonged
and last for quite a long time compared to the initial withdrawal condition and the worst of the painful process.

I'm over the withdrawal pain and the chronic suffering. It takes many years sometimes. It did for me but time will pass either way anyhow so just keep it going. And believe me it will be so amazing to be able to get through such a great accomplishment. Keep going because in hindsight it seems like it was so easy and doable compared to actually going through it when it seemed like just pure torment.


Congratulations !! You have amazing accomplishments here as well.

Update 3 months later:
I finally finished the longest and most properly done taper so far, slipped 5-6 times since and crossed the border to compulsive redosing, too. I don't remember having that before. It's day 12 clean today (aside sleep meds) - which I didn't manage once in the last 2 years - and I'm still feeling like shit. Tired and weak from the moment I wake up, no appetite and can hardly eat, means I have to force myself and still can't finish a normal portion of anything. I honestly believed I could get away without paws or cover it during that long taper. Obviously wrong. I wish I could just stay in bed all day...

The fact I even made it this far is owed to NA, clearly. I've had the honor of a veteran (that's what I call him) offering to stay in contact... He's been through all stages of hell and knows all the little cheats... So it didn't take long til he found out that I'm still keeping the shit around and asked me to throw it... I said No (no, no, like Amy)... Usually I'm not one to get cornered easily and I can fight like a beast... But I didn't fight him, because he questioned from a point of understanding... "You can tell that to your social worker, but I'm not a social worker."... I never felt so fake and ashamed and wanted to vanish into the chair I was sitting on... Almost cried but at the same time I was incredibly happy -- no one ever bothered or managed to force me to face reality like this before...
Still didn't throw it and the relapse is scheduled... This time it has to be the last though... Cause one thing is certain: It gets harder every time... But I'm a fkn addict and obviously I didn't reach my final low yet

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Wow. @Mushoku_Sensei I read a lot of your posts. You seem to be making such a tremendous effort towards your goal to taper
and do so well with each post and comments.


But really, my take on it all is that, the hardest challenges look simple only after they are finished. While you are going through the pain, it feels like pure torture and never-ending suffering. Once you finally heal, your brain softens the memory of that trauma. You forget exactly how bad the pain felt.

Ultimately, this means you are doing something incredibly hard. Even if it feels like torment now, surviving it is a massive achievement. Once you are fully healed, you will look back on this exact time and be amazed that you had the strength to get through it.

And now it seems that you are almost finished with all the acute ( what I called the initial suffering ) phase and moving towards the chronic
part referred to as ( PAWS ) that can be very prolonged
and last for quite a long time compared to the initial withdrawal condition and the worst of the painful process.

I'm over the withdrawal pain and the chronic suffering. It takes many years sometimes. It did for me but time will pass either way anyhow so just keep it going. And believe me it will be so amazing to be able to get through such a great accomplishment. Keep going because in hindsight it seems like it was so easy and doable compared to actually going through it when it seemed like just pure torment.


Congratulations !! You have amazing accomplishments here as well.

Hi @Ki3ly !
Thank you sm for checking in and giving your support!
I'm awake since 4 a.m. again but glad to read your post
How did you manage to get out of the trap yourself? Are you completely clean now?

 

[lyrica333]

me too

 

[lexxbell]

being and staying sober is a bitch. you always hear from people in recovery or whatever that getting sober made them so much happier. then when i am sober im like “wtf were they talking about this blows.” i moved in with my significant other about a year ago and since then i’ve been relatively sober. i’ve had periods of some kratom use and a handful of times i bought ketamine (tho both of us used that) and binged it for a week or two til it was gone. but generally speaking on a day to day i’ve been largely sober, no daily use or anything.

and it fkin blows.

for the past decade, since the first time i tried any drugs, i’ve spent the majority of that time high in some capacity. my use varying a lot. my use has varied a lot, having periods of daily: smoking weed, drinking, amphetamines, benzos, painkillers, ketamine. some things, namely stimulants, i can’t use anymore period point blank. some things like benzos, painkillers, and alcohol i can moderate myself with so long as i don’t have a large stash at once. but everything i listed are drugs that ive taken daily at points, sometimes multiple at once.

nowadays i largely don’t use, most things being occasional. on a day to day i stay largely sober. and i hate it. don’t get me wrong, i know it’s better for me, healthier. a lot of my abstinence is for my relationship, my partner dabbles but not nearly to the extent that i do/did. their father was an addict as well so if i were to be using on the regular it could spark issues. and i love them and don’t want that.

however, when you spend the majority of an entire decade being some flavor of high on the daily, it feels wrong not to be. i’ve basically conditioned myself to using on the regular, my noggin is more used to being high than sober. and i’ve had periods of sobriety like this in the past and rarely did i enjoy it. using has always been self-medication in some form for me. mental issues, trauma, my poor physical health and pain. abstaining from “medicating” like that is a bitch. the prescription cocktail of real medications i’m on don’t do what the drugs do.

so i get it. being sober blows. i’ve had points in active addiction or early sobriety where i too thought “it’d feel so good to be sober.” and then every time i am i hate it. every time im sober i want nothing more than to not be. and i wish that i could enjoy sobriety. but the act of being sober never sits right with me and i don’t know if it ever will

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

being and staying sober is a bitch. you always hear from people in recovery or whatever that getting sober made them so much happier. then when i am sober im like “wtf were they talking about this blows.” i moved in with my significant other about a year ago and since then i’ve been relatively sober. i’ve had periods of some kratom use and a handful of times i bought ketamine (tho both of us used that) and binged it for a week or two til it was gone. but generally speaking on a day to day i’ve been largely sober, no daily use or anything.

and it fkin blows.

Hmm. How long was your longest time clean? As per what I hear from people in recovery they all say it takes a lot of time.. I also imagined this to be way faster tbh. This state shouldn't even be happening if you ask me ... Can't say I don't deserve it though . Those who say they're glad to be clean, they've all gone through massive suffering in addiction - so the alternative doesn't exactly shine... Also I personally believe it's not gonna work without a very conscious decision, that whatever may come, I don't want to return to that, ever. As long as there are any doubts about that, failure is unavoidable. That's what I was told and I believe it.

for the past decade, since the first time i tried any drugs, i’ve spent the majority of that time high in some capacity. my use varying a lot. my use has varied a lot, having periods of daily: smoking weed, drinking, amphetamines, benzos, painkillers, ketamine. some things, namely stimulants, i can’t use anymore period point blank.

That's a good thing to know. I avoid them too as they always drained me too much even used shortly.

some things like benzos, painkillers, and alcohol i can moderate myself with so long as i don’t have a large stash at once. but everything i listed are drugs that ive taken daily at points, sometimes multiple at once.

nowadays i largely don’t use, most things being occasional. on a day to day i stay largely sober. and i hate it. don’t get me wrong, i know it’s better for me, healthier. a lot of my abstinence is for my relationship, my partner dabbles but not nearly to the extent that i do/did. their father was an addict as well so if i were to be using on the regular it could spark issues. and i love them and don’t want that.

however, when you spend the majority of an entire decade being some flavor of high on the daily, it feels wrong not to be. i’ve basically conditioned myself to using on the regular, my noggin is more used to being high than sober. and i’ve had periods of sobriety like this in the past and rarely did i enjoy it. using has always been self-medication in some form for me. mental issues, trauma, my poor physical health and pain. abstaining from “medicating” like that is a bitch. the prescription cocktail of real medications i’m on don’t do what the drugs do.

"The natural state of an addict is being drugged" - and it takes a lot to get over that. All those little manipulations of one's moods. For every issue there's a drug to fix it. For me many substances are not really worth it. I'm very specific with my preferences. And still I'd take whatnot just to run away from sobriety... Which itself speaks a lot. It's pitiful to put it mildly. Insanity piling up shame upon embarrassment... RIP those lucky neurons getting squeezed to death.. And still I come back for the same fix.

so i get it. being sober blows. i’ve had points in active addiction or early sobriety where i too thought “it’d feel so good to be sober.” and then every time i am i hate it. every time im sober i want nothing more than to not be. and i wish that i could enjoy sobriety. but the act of being sober never sits right with me and i don’t know if it ever will

Understood. Though I think it's a lot expected from sobriety to feel good just like that. Imo the original purpose of happiness is to make us strive to achieve certain things. If we do, that natural positive feeling is the reward. Getting it through drugs is cheating. Not cheating doesn't make things come to us... Sorry if this comes across smartass. Surely can't claim that I'm more sane..

@Ki3ly what happened?

 

[PtahTek]

q:

is sobriety actilually a thing?

the people that i know that are sober by societys standard smokes a lot, drinks a lot of coffee or energy drinks and to me that is not sober. i mean looking back, by current observations and recall I don't know anyone that wasnt "on" something.

anyone?
plz quote something if answer as i don't get notifications otherwise
peace

 

[Ki3ly]

I don't drink energy drinks anymore. Leave me the fuck out.

I'm on my ...... tight panties ain't I !!!

Fanned

For the Stupidness .... of ASSS ?

Just acceptable negative venting of course. har har har