Venting I just hate being sober

[pixies+]

Man, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way... but you are lucky. A lucky person. Whether you feel that way or not (something tells me you know you are.)

You know what? Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.
I do feel lucky in many, many ways. I really shouldn’t be here. That first attempt was the most serious attempt. I made some half assed ones after that. Nothing to the same degree though. I was suicidal for a very long time. My own bullshit kept getting in my own way. I’m still self destructive.. just shows up in the strangest ways at the strangest times.

I have a daughter that I never got to meet, not in person, and not for the first 18 years of her life. Didn't even know she existed. Her mom told her some really fucked up lies about me so she grew up believing all of that

Ugh… dude this hurts my heart for you. Something similar happened to my brother. Their girl was 4(?) when they divorced. She made it god damn impossible for my brother (and my parents .. and me) to see her. She did much the same as that person did to you. This bitch convinced her her dad wanted nothing to do with her.. he was a deadbeat. Every time he’d try to call she’d hang up on him and accuse him of not calling. ‘A’ grew up with this shit constantly being smashed into her brain. She’s in her 20s now. Still
No contact. Though my brother had to pay alimony and child support to a wife he no longer had, and to a daughter he didn’t get to see. Tragic. I’ll never understand people that use their kids as pawns.

I hope someday… you get to have a relationship with her.. or a grandchild. You never know… but maybe youve given up on that idea. I wouldn’t blame you. People can only handle so much.

which is nice

So nice.

She messages me up whenever she wants money. Which means she never messages me anymore because I never have any

Just making sure I’m getting this right… your daughter messaged you for money every so often?

Even got some grandkids I'll probably never meet. Offered to drive down there once and meet them all and it was declined. I saw her once at the Farmington fair in Maine. She was probably 1 or 2 years old, riding on the shoulders of her grandfather

And here … you saw your grandkid on her grandfathers shoulders…?

They quickly avoided me. I guess that shoulda clued me in.

I say this with all the kindness in my heart… maybe you should’ve clued in. Maybe. But you strike me as someone that sees the best and hopes for the best from people. Like maybe they would’ve waved! And then from there… who knows…
Im so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds heartbreaking and damaging. I would’ve been furious, inconsolable, and then wildly depressed if that happened to me.

Sounds like you’re quite strong, too

Anyway I didn't reply because I wanted to rant. I wanted to tell you that the meaning of life, is to give life meaning. (Cute little saying, right?) But I really think that's true. Too bad I'm so shit at it lol

I like that little saying. I appreciate things like that. Those ‘little’ things often end up being the ‘big’ things when it comes time for me to make changes. Can’t say I’m the best at it either.

You know what makes my heart ache right from the bottom of my heart strings? It’s the fact that my daughter’s father tried so hard to keep her from me. But she never really thought much of him. He never gave her the type of love she needed. She needs a very specific kind… and apparently I’m the only one that knows how to give it to her. SHE fought for me as much as I fought for her.

She wasn’t letting me out of her life that easy. She thought I didn’t love her… she cried for me. Then she realized that her dad didn’t pass any of my messages along to her. I was able to show her. I sent two messages a day for months. “Tell her I love her” “yup ”

He assumed he’d get away with that forever. He took me to court so I’d ’get Better’ but wouldn’t let me see my girl. 2 days a week at my parents at one point. Until she absolutely lost her mind… she wouldn’t look at him. Ignored everything he said. Wouldn’t let him come near her or touch her until she could be with mommy. My falls were always his highlights - until our kid turned out to be more inclined to have my heart/soul. Not the negative/greedy one like her dads.

On paper he looks like a winner. On paper I look like … shit. I hate how mothers are looked at. I’m sorry… I was just a very conflicted addict until I accidentally got pregnant. Could I have done better? Yes. But… I did what I did because I didn’t know any better at that time.

Ohhhhhhh life!!!

Thank you for the kind words

 

[Uden]

I do feel lucky in many, many ways. I really shouldn’t be here.

I specifically meant because of your daughter. (I thought the other stuff went without saying lol... but I suppose it's all in how you look at it.) Yes, in that case, you are quadruple.. alally? ally? something... lucky.

This bitch convinced her her dad wanted nothing to do with her.. he was a deadbeat. Every time he’d try to call she’d hang up on him and accuse him of not calling.

Here's a good one: "He keeps dead people in his basement."
Ahh... so great.
People just aren't very nice. I hope that didn't come off like I was competing. I'm not. It kind of sounded to me like I was though. Not at all my intention.

but maybe youve given up on that idea. I wouldn’t blame you. People can only handle so much.

I don't have much of a choice. I'm a dude with no money, felonies, and little to no work history. I'm also an addict.. ain't no one fighting for me.

So nice.

Heh... yeah. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like telling a little kid the shit she told her, and for that little kid to grow up with that in her head.

your daughter messaged you for money every so often?

Yeah. That was the sole reason I think she contacted me.. she must have thought I was loaded for some reason? PFFFFT.

you saw your grandkid on her grandfathers shoulders…?

Yep. I was told that... the ex, was pregnant with my kid, and then when I and my mother reached out (I was 15...) we were told that it was some other guy that was in the military that she had apparently cheated on me with. (Apparently that's the thing to do these days... ooh, kids.) I had no reason to disbelieve her mother, whom I still liked, so I believed her.

It sounds heartbreaking and damaging. I would’ve been furious, inconsolable, and then wildly depressed if that happened to me.

I just had the thought of something along the lines of "She was supposedly my kid. Huh." Just kinda hung my head and walked on. I can still see it all etched into my brain like it was yesterday.

Those ‘little’ things often end up being the ‘big’ things when it comes time for me to make changes.

I sincerely hope so. I hope something I do here helps someone before I'm gone. I'm still a little kid inside jumping in piles of fire colored leaves.

She needs a very specific kind… and apparently I’m the only one that knows how to give it to her. SHE fought for me as much as I fought for her.

As much as I didn't think this at one point, and it hollowed me out, magic is still real here. I cling to that shit like it's a rope dangling over a void.

On paper he looks like a winner. On paper I look like … shit.

Paper doesn't mean shit. (I mean... it does, in society. It can make or break a person.) But in the reality of things, the truest sense of the world (nope not "word"), it's nothing. Lies are written on paper. So are truths. It's up to us to take from those things and make from them what we will. Without us, it means nothing.

But… I did what I did because I didn’t know any better at that time.

Fuck I wish I could say the same, and I have... and then I have to mentally smack myself and be like "Yeah you did you dipshit."

Thank you for the kind words

Don't mention it, I tend to dive head first into shit. So I tell things the way I see them. Sometimes I'm wrong... (no I'm not.)

 

[pixies+]

I specifically meant because of your daughter. (I thought the other stuff went without saying lol... but I suppose it's all in how you look at it.) Yes, in that case, you are quadruple.. alally? ally? something... lucky.

Remember when I said my brain is like soup? but yes. You’re right. I do feel very lucky… and then there are the days that I don’t. Feels like I just fuck everything up because that’s still very much a part of who I seem to be.

Here's a good one: "He keeps dead people in his basement."
Ahh... so great

woah. That’s a whoooole other level of ‘fuck you’. You didn’t deserve that. No one does. Unless it’s true. But… can’t say I know many 15 year old dads that keep dead people in their basement.

Some things just aren’t fair. No matter how I look at it I just can’t understand certain things about certain people. I don’t understand what that sort of nonsense would prove.. or how it would affect a little mind. What she trying to gain by saying something so fucking outrageous? (A bit rhetorical… but also not)

People just aren't very nice. I hope that didn't come off like I was competing. I'm not. It kind of sounded to me like I was though. Not at all my intention

Trust me.. you don’t strike me as someone that’s trying to ‘compete’. I suppose I’d like to make the same thing clear. I’m just trying to relate to those of you that are active in this thread. I’ve enjoyed the whole thing. I don’t love that people are struggling… but I think you catch my drift.

I don't have much of a choice. I'm a dude with no money, felonies, and little to no work history. I'm also an addict.. ain't no one fighting for me

I understand. I really do.

Heh... yeah. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like telling a little kid the shit she told her, and for that little kid to grow up with that in her head.

I can’t imagine the sort of damage that must’ve caused her growing up.

Yep. I was told that... the ex, was pregnant with my kid, and then when I and my mother reached out (I was 15...) we were told that it was some other guy that was in the military that she had apparently cheated on me with. (Apparently that's the thing to do these days... ooh, kids.) I had no reason to disbelieve her mother, whom I still liked, so I believed her.

it’s situations like these that really break my heart. I’ve not been a perfect person. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen things that weren’t mine, and manipulated people and situations… but I can’t say I’ve ever done anything to this degree. That’s a whole other level of assholery that I’ll never understand. Never.

I just had the thought of something along the lines of "She was supposedly my kid. Huh." Just kinda hung my head and walked on. I can still see it all etched into my brain like it was yesterday.

that felt like a punch in the gut. I’m so sorry you’ve had to live with this for so long. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it and live with it at all.

Sometimes I live for the moments I get to experience certain ‘brain etches’. Other times I shake my head violently in an attempt to erase what I just saw.

I sincerely hope so. I hope something I do here helps someone before I'm gone. I'm still a little kid inside jumping in piles of fire colored leaves.

Do me a favour, yeah? Don’t sell yourself short. I’ve been very touched by your words. You seem like you have a beautiful soul. You have a good heart. That’s what matters.

Then let’s jump. I’ll get the rake.

As much as I didn't think this at one point, and it hollowed me out, magic is still real here. I cling to that shit like it's a rope dangling over a void.

There are days the magic twirls through me.. I feel it like an electrical current. Other days it feels as though something has short circuited inside me. I feel dark and empty. But all it takes is a spark.

Paper doesn't mean shit. (I mean... it does, in society. It can make or break a person.) But in the reality of things, the truest sense of the world (nope not "word"), it's nothing. Lies are written on paper. So are truths. It's up to us to take from those things and make from them what we will. Without us, it means nothing.

I agree with you. When a judge believes the lies written on the paper, it’s very difficult to get them to see your truths. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. I’m saying this with all the sincerity in the world - I rarely go down without a fight. And when I do… I always come back swinging. I genuinely have no idea where the fire comes from. A switch goes off and all of a sudden I can snap myself back together. But… I tend to break just as quick. I get very overwhelmed. I think addicts are some of the greatest humans I’ve ever been blessed to know. We’re all a little (or a lot) fucky… but I believe most of us mean well. We don’t want to make people miserable. We want to help however we can even if we can’t help ourselves.

Don't mention it, I tend to dive head first into shit. So I tell things the way I see them

Much respect for that. You’re good people.

Sometimes I'm wrong... (no I'm not.)

Me either

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Wow .. I couldn't read your reply in one go. My eyes sabotaged me .
Idk how it feels for someone not a mother, and I probably can't even imagine the scale of pain you've been through, and the struggle you live with... But... I wish I could just give you a hug...

20 was when my doctor put me on Xanax, temazepam and zopiclone for sleep.

This, and the fact they were just giving out morphine shots at the hospital is actually a crime - imho. .. No wonder there's an opioid (and bezo addiction) crisis....
Seriously this "Doctor" could have killed you!!

The night before my first day of grade 12 I just stopped sleeping. I was taking ridiculous amounts of OTC sleeping aids. I genuinely didn’t even know what a benzo really was when I got put on them. For the first time in my short life, I was able to shut my brain off. Even if it was for a couple hours at a time. I had found my new love… I wasn’t going to let anything come between us. (I’m prescribed diazepam these days… and although my brain feels like soup.. I love benzos)

I've heard several stories like this about benzos... Idk why anxiety seems to be so frequent in the US, or maybe it's just the filter bubble... But it's obviously the condition for them to show such effects. And it remains an addiction for so many who had the same experience like you , the younger the worse...

At 24 I genuinely tried to end my life. Almost succeeded. I had about 12 beer, 2 bottles of wine, and a flask of something in me - but no cocaine. The town was fucking dry. I went bananas. Self harmed, ended up at the hospital for stitches around 3am. Sometime around 5:30am I went out for a smoke. Decided to take every pill I had on me. Clomipramine, xanax, temazepam, and zopiclone. Anywhere between 150-200 pills. I went back to bed (I was on suicide watch - that part was always slightly funny to me). At 6:15 a nurse came to my room to tell me to turn off my alarm. I was convulsing and foaming at the mouth. They had no idea what was happening until they went through my purse and realized I had a bunch of empty bottles in there. They did CPR on me for about 20 minutes. My heart kept stopping and my BP was basically non existent. They had to shock me 3 times. I was in bad shape. They called my parents (they lived in a different province) at 6:50am, gave them the rundown and said they expected me to live for maybe another 10 minutes. To everyone’s surprise, I kept holding on. Took 8 hours to get me stabilized. During that 8 hours, I had family members and friends around me the whole day. Apparently, my body would react when my best friend in the world would talk to me (BP spikes, fingers and toes would flicker). They put me on an air ambulance flight around 4pm that day. My parents met me in the ICU around 6:30pm. I was in a coma and on life support. The doctors had no idea when, or if, I would wake up - or what condition I’d be in mentally if I did wake up. 5 days later.. i came to. I remember the tube in my throat.. it hurt so much. I was confused because I couldn’t move my arms or legs - I was strapped to the bed. Apparently I had started to ‘wake up’ 2 days before and was…violent. I have no recollection.
Other than some short term memory loss and difficulty remembering certain words, I had no lasting damage. They did want me to be very careful with my heart.

Jesus! Or whatever you believe in.. That's incredible luck... Within a very sad story...

At 28 I got pregnant. My body absorbed the fetus, but my belly kept growing. I was 14 weeks when I finally found out there was nothing in there and was given meds to ‘dispel’ the sac. Devastating. I found a solid connection for dilaudid and I was off. At 29 I got pregnant again. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop the dilaudid. I was too scared and embarrassed to tell anyone… until I finally ‘came clean’ at 29 weeks. My daughter was born dependent on opioids. We spent 5 weeks in the NICU while she was slowly weaned off. I was put on methadone. CPS became involved because I called them. It was either me or my doctor. It had to be me.

My daughter is 9 now. She’s a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, amazing little girl. Fortunately, everything worked out. No issues. The amount of guilt and shame I feel every single day is suffocating. Sometimes deafening. Usually both.
How could I have been so fucking selfish? What kind of human being does that to their own child?? What the fuck had I become? Who am I? What am I? A monster. Surely.. that was the only answer. I was a fucking monster. A selfish addict. I was the person that was supposed to shield her from everything ‘bad’… not be the one pumping it straight into her little body.
The guilt is Suffocating. The words that bounce through my head. Deafening. Someone kill me. No.. don’t. I need to stay and clean up my mess. No… please… let me go… she’s better off without me. God dammit, no she isn’t! STAY and FIGHT!!! You don’t get to walk away from this that easy you cunt.

So here I am.

I wish I could say I stayed sober. That I had learned my lesson. If love alone was enough to keep someone sober… I wouldn’t have ever used again. Unfortunately… that wasn’t my reality. I relapsed multiple times over the last 9 years.

You mentioned being a chemist… trying to find a balance. I relate to that so much. I’ve tried so hard to find balance between all of it. Little bit of this at this time… some of this in between… more of that at this time… rinse repeat.

In 2020 I went on suboxone from methadone.

I’ve had what I’ll call ‘mini moments’ of weakness. A night here… 2 nights there. All hush hush of course
It’s been 2 years since I’ve put opioids or cocaine into my body. Last year I started playing around with mushrooms. Little bit of ketamine here and there. Haven’t been drunk in I don’t know how long.

I’ve got a little human that loves me more than anything in this world. She calls me “the best momma ever”…. If she only knew. Im so far from being the best momma ever. But I’m trying. It has taken a long time for me to be where I am. And I’m nowhere close to where and who I want to be. It can’t all be for nothing, can it? Nah. It can’t be.

I want to nod off so bad. Bounce my chin off my chest. Fall over and pass out. But where the fuck would that leave me? More importantly… where would that leave her?

Dilaudid is like the abusive love so many of us fall prey to… he loves me! He’d never do anything to hurt me! I KNOW he wouldn’t… he loves.. who’s that bitch?!? He’s mine! He told me he loves me! We’d be together forever!! That bitch?? Fuck it. YOU take him. Please. Take him … I never wanna see him again. I’ll settle for a dream here and there about the ‘good days’. When he was sending shivers up and down my spine… making my eyes roll back into my head with pleasure. I’ll settle for day dreams that I can snap out of. Because when I really think about it… those were never my dreams. Those dreams belonged to this girl I used to know. Poor broken girl. Accepting love from the people and things that wanted to hurt her. Humiliate her. Take from her. Never once build her up. So fuck that. You take him. I’ll take my dreams elsewhere.

My daughter? She’s what real dreams are made of. She’s the kind that wakes you up from your abusive dreams. You feel warm. Fuzzy. Her jokes make you throw your head back with laughter… your daughter makes you wonder what it was you did to deserve such a beautiful person in your life. She sends shivers up and down your spine because she’s so kind. Honest. Real. She makes you melt. That beautiful smile.. those sparkling eyes… her gentle touch. She’s the little girl that has the soul of an angel. She’s the reason you’re still here. She’s your everything. You’d be nothing without her. Without her… the devil would dance on your heart until it turned black. You’d fade back into nothing… dreaming of true love…. cursing yourself for falling in love with your abuser, again.

To anyone that read through all that, I’m sorry. And also thank you. Hopefully it made sense. I had no idea I was going to type any of that out… it just happened.

As for the last part: Yes it made sense. Absolutely. And it's so painful. .. I'm crying again, today also... And the guilt hits me, though as you said our situations are different. I was guilty of being me before I even restarted the drugs. My history with them is shorter, so I can't blame even addiction for the most part of it.
I was never patient, rarely calm, filled with frustration and hatred, shouting and fighting with my husband in front of everyone. Lost friends over it until no one was left, my family didn't want to visit us anymore, I used to see my sister 2-3 times a year, when we had been so close before...
So at the beginning... Before I started losing weight and withdrawing from everything, I got some compliments on my development when I abused Tramadol more regularly... Cause I was calmer... Didn't shout that much anymore...
So there I go.
And I think I should lock the Tapentadol away now., before I spoil the regularity that I just achieved.
I don't have the energy to deal with the WD anymore..