I don't think this is sustainable anymore

[crazyotter87]

Hey,

I'm just wondering if anyone is in the same boat as I am. I've been incredibly fascinated with psychoactive substances for as long as I can remember. I vividly remember being in DARE class when I was 12, before I had even had a drink or smoked weed, and being skeptical about all the scare stories, propaganda, and misinformation. But anyway, that's beside the point. I'm a functional drug addict. I don't really know how else to put it. I'm only 25 years old and live in the States. I hate my job, but I make way too much money at it. So that means I can buy more drugs. I really don't have any responsibilities, don't hang out with my friends that much anymore (not too many are around me anymore), or do much else for that matter. I pay my rent on time, somehow manage to feed myself, and still save a good chunk of money. Luckily, I live close to my parents, and my mom still loves to feed me. I'm so grateful for that. Funny how you can rot while being a "productive" member of society.

It's just amazing to me how I've been able to keep this up... I've been logging everything I've taken in Excel for 7+ years. I got home from work today, my buddy cancelled on going out to dinner, and I said fuck it and bombed 300mg of 2-MMC. I then redosed 200mg more ~2 hours into it, and I also snorted ~50mg maybe 15 minutes ago. This has been going on for years and years. Not exactly with cathinones. I have tried well over 130+ compounds at this point and have procured a ridiculous stash. One weekend it would be DOM, the next would be, "Oh shit... 3-HO-PCP. I don't really like dissociatives, butttttt I will most likely never see this again, so I must spend too much money on it just to try it and most likely never use it again."

I've had benzo habits in the past. I still have a daily clonazepam RX, it's only 0.5mg. I rarely run out early, and if I do it's 1-2 days before. It's been a while since I've really messed with RC/RX benzos that were not prescribed to me. They would just ruin me. I would take them every day or every other day to function. It'd always be like, "Welp, enough is enough. Time to reap what I sow before I REALLY regret this." I haven't really used them much in the past 6+ months. I tossed well over 500+ pressed bars away. I have some raw powder, a few clonazolam blotters, and like 6mg of etizolam left. I'm too lazy to break the vac seal and scale out the N-ethylnitrazepam or even make a solution since it would just make it too convenient for me to take it. With the clam and tiz, I'd rather just keep it for some sick and twisted reason... I will most likely never see either of them again.

Anyway, my life has been really boring ever since I graduated college and got a job. I was a bit of a late bloomer. College really only clicked for me when it was "too" late. I did very well in it and enjoyed going. I only have a 2-year degree in general chemistry. Well anyway, I am stuck working a job that I dislike. It's boring, I do the same thing every single day. I work with the same 5 people that I don't really like. I never see the outside world, lol. Butttt, I can call in sick, have insane benefits, get paid too much, and have basically unlimited PTO. I guess it could be worse. Thank God for unions and how hard it is to get fired from municipal jobs.

So, I really got into cathinones this year. I've tried them before in the past, but that was when I didn't really have money to order bulk. I've managed to keep it to once a day on the weekend. Usually not redosing more than 3-5 times and keeping it to around 6 hours per session. I always tell myself that redosing will not bring the magic back. It will only drag out some of the less desirable effects, butttttt anyone who has ever used a cathinone will know what I am talking about. I usually just stop once it gets stale, because it does. Music starts to sound like shit. I like going to bed at reasonable times too. Having a semi-normal sleep schedule works wonders on your mental health...

I'm bipolar II, but don't take any mood stabilizers for it. I've managed to get it under control. Ya know, just try not to have a backwards sleep schedule (quite literally impossible with a full-time job), stay semi-busy, and more. Mania is fun for me, but it doesn't really happen often. Sometimes I get REALLY manic, like higher than any other drug, but that's just from large amounts of stress. I was the most manic I have ever been when I put my cat down 4 months ago. Nowadays, it rarely comes, and if it does I am able to recognize it and try to use it to my advantage. I never really crash at all. Especially from drug use... I guess if your normal state already isn't the best to begin with, then it's not such a big deal.

I'm mainly in this for the connection. Oh boy, do I love it. I've always had a hard time expressing myself. I adore MDx and the x-APBs. Cathinones to me are just a watered-down and more stimulating version of them that I can take more often without that much of a consequence (well, besides getting very used to it and having it not be a novelty anymore, lol. Also, just tolerance. One week really isn't enough time to keep the "magic" alive. Fuck, I should not have bought so much 2-MMC.) Luckily, I am halfway through it now and the only other thing I have left is some 4-CMC that I got for free, but it's bleh. 2-MMC is the Goldilocks for me, plus literally feeling 90-95% the day after is a major plus...

Funny, I was never a stimulant user. They'd always give me anxiety. I tend to avoid things that made my anxiety worse. Well, besides using 2.5-5 mg of methamphetamine orally maybe 1-2x a week in college as a replacement for Adderall. That did make studying and doing work a lot of fun. I try to save money, so I really can't even afford "good" stimulants anyway (IPPH, methyhphendiate, 2-FMA, etc). I only have maybe 200mg of 4F-MPH left. That was a decent one, but I don't want to do it since it's extinct... Weird how obscure drugs that aren't around anymore have sentimental value.

Anyway, I know what needs to be done. I need to take a break. I need to take a step back. It sounds pathetic, but I'm in this for the long run. I'd still like to use stuff 20-30+ years later down the line. I don't want to ruin it for myself forever and tell everyone the typical sob story that drugs MUST ruin your life. They've generally been either neutral or good experiences in my life (maybe I am delusional). My best friend and parents knows about this. I really don't tell them about too much of it.

Weird being an isolated drug user who has tried more compounds than a group of 100 people would ever try in their lifetime, let alone know what any of them are, lol. My stash is complete, there's not much I want to buy. I doubt I'll ever see what I want anyway in my lifetime, but stranger things have happened (aMT, relatively cheap 5-MeO-DiPT, barbiturates, etc. Just random shit). I have conquered everything. Nothing has really come out that really grabbed my attention recently either. I don't really want to guinea pig something anyway and potentially have a bad time. I have a lot of time on my hands, but I really don't have the time needed to do that and potentially have a bad time. So, I guess that's good. I have been saving a lot more money ever since I stopped ordering stuff, even just random unnecessary things that I've tried before. I don't know, half the thrill is getting it in the mail, lol.

So anyway, things need to change. I need to start making some changes in my life. I have thought it out. I'm not entirely miserable with myself, but I am angry. I'm angry that I sold myself short. I don't want to wake up in 5+ years working where I am currently at. I would be devastated.

So, right now, I am saving as much as possible. I plan to quit my job in ~8 months, get a job waiting tables, and go back for a 4-year. Man, I just like school. I try to learn at home, but it's painful. I need a professor that I don't want to disappoint. I've tried online college. Imagine teaching yourself Calculus II after getting out of work. It fucking sucked, only to see other people cheat/half-ass it. So you say fuck it, I can't do this. I need human interaction. I sit inside enough, I cannot bring myself to do this. Or you just skip a week and you fall so behind. But yeah, that's the plan.

I need to start exercising again too. I have, I guess, "blue-collar" strength (my job is semi-blue-collar). I'm not in the best shape, but I'm at the perfect body weight right now to get a decent build. Video games aren't even as enjoyable as they used to be. I would always autistically play one game until I could not play it anymore. The game I am playing right now always sounds like a fun time, but I just usually become miserable from it. It's not that deep, but damn, I cannot stand coming home from work to get on and just lose heavily for 2 hours straight because people don't know how to play.

I don't really have friends that live near me. Like good friends that you want to be around. I consider myself to be a very nice person, but some of my so-called "friends" from my small graduating class are just in it for themselves. I let my best friend stay with me for 1+ month, or as long as he needed. He doesn't like his parents, he was finishing up his master's degree, had no job lined up, and would've had nowhere to go since he was an RA in the dorms. Anyway, that was a really fun month when he stayed with me. I didn't make him give me anything in return because I knew he would've done the same for me.

I saw him for the first time in a while a few days ago. He took the bus down from NYC. I picked him up, we got dinner, vibed, went back to my place, bought him some weed, vibed some more. He did what he had to do the next day, we got food again, and I dropped him off. A wave of sadness filled me when I left the bus station. It hit me like a tidal wave.

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, but damn. I really only have 1 friend who is still in my area who has always been the same since I've known him since the first grade. Staying up all night playing games, doing it again the day after, smoking copious amounts of weed (I quit smoking so long ago), him texting me at 2am knowing I'm still awake, "Yoo, I'm back from college" to come over and watch 3 movies in a row. God, I have taken all of this for granted.

No more cathinones for me for a while. Or really drugs for that matter. It's been carisoprodol (I have like 5 left and I really don't want to spend the money on 180 more) and cathinones. All of this stopped being novel a very long time ago. I swore it would never happen to me. My life is still good, none of this really has an effect on it, but still. I don't see how this is sustainable. I'm honestly not even having that much fun. Like, it's okay, but it's not the best time, but for some reason I kept redosing hoping that it would maybe change it.

Thank you for coming to my 2-MMC-fueled TedTalk... I promise I will turn my life around. It's very hard to change. Change is scary, it really scares me. It always has. It's hard to break habits that you've had for so very long. I know nothing else besides this (maybe that's hyperbole, but I've gotten just so used to it and accepted that it's a part of my life). Funny how things turn out sometimes. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Any feedback would mean the world to me. Or even just share your own experiences. Whoosh, I gotta take my sleeping meds soon and bring a stop to all of this...

It's funny, like I just do the same shit. I message online friends, listen to the same music, pace around my apartment, and well, that's about it. I think a lot on it. I guess it brings me some sort of relief/joy..? Like, it's not even fun anymore. I am accomplishing nothing and just making a bad habit even worse.

I'm done being comfortable enough to stay stuck.

Stay safe everyone. You are loved, and happy Sunday morning.

 

[Electrum1]

If I had to guess, I'd guess this is mostly what is creating your problems

I don't really know how else to put it. I'm only 25 years old and live in the States. I hate my job, but I make way too much money at it. So that means I can buy more drugs. I really don't have any responsibilities, don't hang out with my friends that much anymore (not too many are around me anymore), or do much else for that matter

Start hanging out with your friends again. Find common ground that can be shared/expanded. Do things outside of work that don't involve drugs. Gain more responsibilities by being more social (while not on drugs) with your friends and keep your promises. Find hobbies that are social and non-social, like pool and bowling leagues frisbee golf, or collecting rare stuff like 1950's tether cars or whatever, to expand your friend group, then maintain those social gains by staying in contact, and without resorting to using drugs when you're alone

 

[M!$TER-ED]

I agree with @Electrum1 you said yourself "I need human interaction" That also applies to your social life. There seems to be a lot people your age bored with their life mostly due to lack of human interaction and social awkwardness. You can't play the game unless you are in the game, I blame this on technology, the lack of social interaction has been substituted by the convenience of technology. It is too easy to avoid interaction because technology has replaced it with social intolerance. We loose the ability to pick up on social cues and so I tolerance for social interaction diminishes and suffer from that lack of communication.

 

[chippermonk]

The drugs are a hobby and purpose in life for you, just as much as they are an actual psychoactive pleasure. But it seems to be getting to be a ho-hum same old thing hobby. Continuing to do them really isn't going to make anything better for you, so as others have said, you need ( NEED) better hobbies, better purpose, and good human connection. Look at how you reacted to your weekend with your friend.
Going back to college is perhaps a great idea. Not just because you will learn new things or perhaps get a better job, but because you will hang out around other people your age who are also looking for friendship, purpose, hobbies. Best and easiest time of life to make good connections. It definitely gets harder as you get older, and social isolation can be a habit.
You said something about how fortunate it was that your parents were there to see you got fed. Well, hell, cooking and trying new foods would make a damn good new hobby, and doing it with other people of any age is how to do it. Source some new food ingredients and recipes and unleash your curiosity and creativity. I suggest learning to make a perfect pie. I know we're not supposed to source on BL, but when you get that perfect strawberry -rhubarb pie down, send me a piece!

 

[puke]

Is it the fact that u feel u need drugs to just enjoy regular mundane things in life or drugs have caused u to be a hermit recluse?

 

[kingsfont]

25 years old is a good time to take stock of yourself and ask yourself seriously whether there is anything purposeful you want to accomplish with your life. Obviously, that's just about the most personal of decisions to make, but one I think worth considering, because it can serve you well in the future. It can provide foundation and structure that you will absolutely need in the decades to come, because, at the end of the day, life is still a struggle.

 

[thujone]

i'm older than you but some of what you said still resonates with me today.

i think some of your angst would be solved by looking for a job where you can feel a sense of progression (learning with guidance / pressure) and make friends.

my job right now is like that, most of my current friends i've met through it because there's a lot of us around the same age and with the same interests.

i haven't worked a public sector job but i know a bunch of people that have and it sounds like the most boring, stifling, shitty work culture. i couldn't imagine anyone interesting surviving in that kind of environment for long.

 

[kingsfont]

I get the feeling it's a big ask on the part of an employer to ask me to agree to their employer employee relationship. I'll forego a salary, health, PTO, retirement, etc. and figure out a way to pay for all that myself. So that's mostly what I do, and I do live a comfortable solid middle class life. I have tons of friends though who have careers in the public and private sectors, some of whom are extremely successful and well known professionally, or very affluent, and mostly, they are all very happy. They have personalities and skills that thrive in those environments. I don't. It's not for me and never was, but people have all sorts of different reasons for the why they choose to make their living the way they do. I've been preoccupied with drug and alcohol issues and psychiatric issues since I was 15, so I have nothing to apologize to myself for, as to why I ignored trying to be a professional success. I pretty much stopped doing that a long time ago. I think given the hand I was dealt I think I'm doing just fine.