simco
Bluelight Crew
I wanted to write a little bit about some stuff that went down while I've been off BL over the last few weeks.
Many of you know that in October I passed one year of abstinence from heroin (and all opioids, though prior to that, I'd never abused any op's besides H). Then, as I wrote last month, when my wife asked me for a divorce I had a brief but really intense relapse...scoring heroin on the street, using it like it was my last day on earth for about a week straight. Then, once I moved back to my old home town, I had a few weeks where I was so depressed, I didn't even think about drugs. All I wanted to do was lie in bed.
But about three weeks ago, I had one day where I was suddenly more motivated and alert. Before I knew it, I'd made a call, gone to the ATM, driven to the next city over and scored a bunch of roxies. I abused those for two days, ran out, and haven't been very tempted to get more since.
The thing I want to comment about is how little the drugs did for me--both the heroin and the roxies. They got me feeling plenty "stoned." But no matter how much I used, I was left underwhelmed. I just felt kind of stepped on (like someone was putting a boot to my head) and dazed...very little euphoria. Very little of the range of pleasures I used to get from dope. I guess that's why both relapses were short-lived. I'm still trying to figure out why this all happened.
Admittedly, part of it might be ROA-related...I was chasing the heroin and alternately snorting/chewing the roxies. i.e. No IV. Maybe all my memories are colored by my previous IV use and these ROAs just didn't measure up?
It could also be that I'm just mis-remembering what using felt like. But I really don't think that's true.
I suppose it could also be due to bad gear. But I'm awfully sure that at least the roxies were legit.
The last possibility that comes to mind is that I may have somehow inflated my opioid tolerance during my abstinence. I was on naltrexone for a year, but it's been over six months since I quit that, and I don't *think* it would have this effect anyway. Additionally, I have monkeyed around with kratom off and on. But only here and there, and always a low/constant dose. Hard for me to believe that did it either.
In any case, this all leaves me in a weird (and I guess good) state. The other day I did consider calling my guy to get more roxies. But I remembered how shitty they were last time, and the urge passed. Honestly, since I'm unemployed right now, I can't afford pills, even if I wanted them.
Over the years, I've heard plenty of people in NA say the last time(s) they used were shitty and disappointing. I never really thought about it as a literal statement (previously, I identified with the misery of not wanting to use but doing it anyway).
Just curious if other people have had a similar experience--long vacation from your DOC followed by a deeply underwhelming return.
Many of you know that in October I passed one year of abstinence from heroin (and all opioids, though prior to that, I'd never abused any op's besides H). Then, as I wrote last month, when my wife asked me for a divorce I had a brief but really intense relapse...scoring heroin on the street, using it like it was my last day on earth for about a week straight. Then, once I moved back to my old home town, I had a few weeks where I was so depressed, I didn't even think about drugs. All I wanted to do was lie in bed.
But about three weeks ago, I had one day where I was suddenly more motivated and alert. Before I knew it, I'd made a call, gone to the ATM, driven to the next city over and scored a bunch of roxies. I abused those for two days, ran out, and haven't been very tempted to get more since.
The thing I want to comment about is how little the drugs did for me--both the heroin and the roxies. They got me feeling plenty "stoned." But no matter how much I used, I was left underwhelmed. I just felt kind of stepped on (like someone was putting a boot to my head) and dazed...very little euphoria. Very little of the range of pleasures I used to get from dope. I guess that's why both relapses were short-lived. I'm still trying to figure out why this all happened.
Admittedly, part of it might be ROA-related...I was chasing the heroin and alternately snorting/chewing the roxies. i.e. No IV. Maybe all my memories are colored by my previous IV use and these ROAs just didn't measure up?
It could also be that I'm just mis-remembering what using felt like. But I really don't think that's true.
I suppose it could also be due to bad gear. But I'm awfully sure that at least the roxies were legit.
The last possibility that comes to mind is that I may have somehow inflated my opioid tolerance during my abstinence. I was on naltrexone for a year, but it's been over six months since I quit that, and I don't *think* it would have this effect anyway. Additionally, I have monkeyed around with kratom off and on. But only here and there, and always a low/constant dose. Hard for me to believe that did it either.
In any case, this all leaves me in a weird (and I guess good) state. The other day I did consider calling my guy to get more roxies. But I remembered how shitty they were last time, and the urge passed. Honestly, since I'm unemployed right now, I can't afford pills, even if I wanted them.
Over the years, I've heard plenty of people in NA say the last time(s) they used were shitty and disappointing. I never really thought about it as a literal statement (previously, I identified with the misery of not wanting to use but doing it anyway).
Just curious if other people have had a similar experience--long vacation from your DOC followed by a deeply underwhelming return.