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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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I wanted to write a little bit about some stuff that went down while I've been off BL over the last few weeks.

Many of you know that in October I passed one year of abstinence from heroin (and all opioids, though prior to that, I'd never abused any op's besides H). Then, as I wrote last month, when my wife asked me for a divorce I had a brief but really intense relapse...scoring heroin on the street, using it like it was my last day on earth for about a week straight. Then, once I moved back to my old home town, I had a few weeks where I was so depressed, I didn't even think about drugs. All I wanted to do was lie in bed.

But about three weeks ago, I had one day where I was suddenly more motivated and alert. Before I knew it, I'd made a call, gone to the ATM, driven to the next city over and scored a bunch of roxies. I abused those for two days, ran out, and haven't been very tempted to get more since.

The thing I want to comment about is how little the drugs did for me--both the heroin and the roxies. They got me feeling plenty "stoned." But no matter how much I used, I was left underwhelmed. I just felt kind of stepped on (like someone was putting a boot to my head) and dazed...very little euphoria. Very little of the range of pleasures I used to get from dope. I guess that's why both relapses were short-lived. I'm still trying to figure out why this all happened.

Admittedly, part of it might be ROA-related...I was chasing the heroin and alternately snorting/chewing the roxies. i.e. No IV. Maybe all my memories are colored by my previous IV use and these ROAs just didn't measure up?

It could also be that I'm just mis-remembering what using felt like. But I really don't think that's true.

I suppose it could also be due to bad gear. But I'm awfully sure that at least the roxies were legit.

The last possibility that comes to mind is that I may have somehow inflated my opioid tolerance during my abstinence. I was on naltrexone for a year, but it's been over six months since I quit that, and I don't *think* it would have this effect anyway. Additionally, I have monkeyed around with kratom off and on. But only here and there, and always a low/constant dose. Hard for me to believe that did it either.

In any case, this all leaves me in a weird (and I guess good) state. The other day I did consider calling my guy to get more roxies. But I remembered how shitty they were last time, and the urge passed. Honestly, since I'm unemployed right now, I can't afford pills, even if I wanted them.

Over the years, I've heard plenty of people in NA say the last time(s) they used were shitty and disappointing. I never really thought about it as a literal statement (previously, I identified with the misery of not wanting to use but doing it anyway).

Just curious if other people have had a similar experience--long vacation from your DOC followed by a deeply underwhelming return.
 
simco said:
Just curious if other people have had a similar experience--long vacation from your DOC followed by a deeply underwhelming return.
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Absolutely. Alcohol has brought me nothing but misery over the past four months.
 
aihfl said:
Absolutely. Alcohol has brought me nothing but misery over the past four months.
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Isn't that a fucking kick in the nuts? When I started realizing that I just wasn't going to get off on the dope I'd finally scored I was despondent.

If you don't mind my asking, aihfl...you've continued to drink despite the misery. Do you have a conscious hope that if you drink enough you might feel what you want/need? Or is it deeper than that?
 
simco said:
Do you have a conscious hope that if you drink enough you might feel what you want/need?
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What I wanted was oblivion and I would eventually black out and get there. Then I'd come to and it was lather, rinse, repeat.
 
aihfl said:
What I wanted was oblivion and I would eventually black out and get there. Then I'd come to and it was lather, rinse, repeat.
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blurgh. man, I've been in a similar spot. it's just the worst. sending you all my best.
 
Yeah I got off coke 3 or 4 years ago, hard to remember anymore, tried some at a buddy's house, it was pretty decent stuff but I couldn't remember why I'd liked it before, was nothing special.
 
I can relate about the see-sawing mood and agoraphobia/depression yet the curiousity about the world.
I think the curiousity is a good thing. And naturally, after being so far removed for so long, it seems only natural. The challenge now lies in getting out there. You had mentioned meeting someone for coffee and this job interview although frightening, are a good start.


In regards to the unrewarding returns to drugs, I would have to agree. I feel that knowing what I know now, going back is kind of tainted and I just cant enjoy it as much, regardless of how long its been since my last indulgence or how much I drink, though its usually right where I left off. (Even when I return under the guise of recreational use - which usually leads to harmful use tbh). And whether its this or some sort of permanent mental tolerance (as Im not sure about physical tolerance duration, but surely it resets after months), it doesnt elicit the same euphoria. And as you mentioned, its likely a good thing.
 
Sim, I know what you mean about how rewarding mundane tasks can be. I was out of milk and eggs this morning and it was actually pleasant to get up and go to the grocery store and do a little shopping.
 
aihfl said:
Sim, I know what you mean about how rewarding mundane tasks can be. I was out of milk and eggs this morning and it was actually pleasant to get up and go to the grocery store and do a little shopping.
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Yeah, I spend most of my time feeling like a total alien. Anything that lets me settle into the world outside my bedroom is a breath of fresh air.

Glad you got that little blast of pleasant this morning <3
 
Feeling on edge today, as issues related to work/career have rather suddenly popped onto my radar.

In terms of the big picture, one thing I've learned over the years is that nothing helps me feel healthy and whole like having a job that stimulates and interests me. For many years, my job as a professor did exactly that. But one of the toughest things about the depressive mode I've been in for years now has been that it made my work seem both uninteresting and impossibly exhausting. Hence my decision to leave that gig.

Living jobless has become what I'm used to. It's not healthy for me (I just isolate myself and dwell on my problems), but it has become comfortable. Obviously it's not sustainable financially...but since I'm living for free with my dad, the financial pressure is low for the time being.

Suddenly, however, the matter of jobs has come onto my radar. I got an offer to do part-time software development remotely (i.e. work from home). At the same time, I submitted an application for a local software job, thinking it would take months before anything came of it. But they're moving quickly...had a phone interview this week and they want me to come in for an on-site interview next week.

So I'm weighing three choices:
* don't take either job and continue to work on improving my mood/outlook
* take the remote, part-time job
* try for the local, full-time job.

The remote job, on the surface, feels like the obvious choice. Much less risk of a big crash-and-burn. And much less stress than the full-time gig.

But the full-time option has some real appeal. First-off, the remote job won't last more than a year, while the full-time one is as permanent as these things get. Second, the pay for the remote job is insanely bad...it borders on volunteer work, while the local job would be a big increase over my previous salaries. Third, the full-time local job comes with awesome benefits. I'm pretty tired buying shitty health insurance on the open market.

Blurgh.

I guess what I'm really trying to figure out with all this is something along the lines of, what am I 'strong enough' emotionally to take on? And what sorts of engagement are likely to feel positive at this point?
 
Work.. So hard to find a balance. Maybe find out more about what will be expected from you for the full time job and make a decision based off the in-person interview? You can always say no, and hell, even quit if you don't like it the first week. Any way to keep the remote work on the back burner for a little bit?

I freelance, sometimes too much (70+ hrs a week), but working from home lately has saved me a lot of stress the past few months. So maybe having something to do at home will help go towards improving overall outlook if you think the full time is too much.

Sounds like some great options coming your way though :)
 
After a good week, things crashed back down on me last night. Bless his worried heart, my dad convinced me to take myself out to a movie. I figured I should push myself, so I went. But during the movie, my agoraphobia and gloom climbed right on top of me. I stayed till the end of the movie but was just feeling super exposed and depressed by the time it was done. Drove myself home, crawled into bed with the dog and promptly couldn't sleep. A long night, and so far a long day. Just feeling weak and despondent. Tired of myself and angry that I charged into this whole job interview mess...suddenly feeling like I have zero business pretending I can hold a full-time job. I can't even be out of the house for an hour without going to pieces.
 
The Winter Olympics are a good excuse to just stay in and watch TV. That's what I'm doing.
 
Good call. The rio olympics were on when I was cooling my heels in the psych ward.

I?m going to tune in and turn off my brain for a while.
 
Good call. I had an AA friend give me shit about not going to a meeting tonight because I wanted to watch the Olympic events that were on TV. It's not as if I wasn't already planning on going to two tomorrow so give me a break about not rearranging my priorities. Good grief.
 
Really struggling today. The depression is back full force (just got done with a long weepfest in the shower. And mostly, I'm absolutely climbing the walls wanting to use.

I have this new psychiatrist and he prescribed me adderall last week. It cuts through the depression for a few hours, but then I end up feeling worse than before. I have no business taking these at all. I guess I was sort of hoping they might thrill me enough to take my mind off using opioids. But that's bullshit. It was just another way to get high. I should throw them away and ask the doc not to Rx me any more.
 
I can relate to living jobless...
When I quit working and returned to school my study habits were subprime to say the least. Basically Ive been jobless (workless) since summer '16. I sit around and do very little, if not nothing most days. This stagnation leads to and worsens a whole whack of issues. Yet the thought of finding a real job makes me cringe. They say change is the only constant but stagnation seems difficult to free myself from.

Can I ask what prompted you to start thinking about finding work?
Perhaps it could be a way to acclimatize yourself to the outside world. Obviously this would be a challenge, and potentially make matters worse... but sometimes I find what I need and what I want are not always aligned.

Im sorry to hear that these last few days have proven so difficult for you.
Are you able to identify any triggers for these states? Or do they just come on randomly?

Also your new psychiatrist prescribed adderall for depression?
That seems odd to me. Even wiki notes anxiety and depression as contradictions (based upon some FDA leaflet re: perscribing adderall) ...

Anyways, hope today is better for you Sim.
Thinking of you.
toc
 
Thanks, TOC.

About the adderall...I have to admit that I kind of angled/pushed for them. I might have mentioned this, but about a week prior I got access to some from someone else, and they cut through the depression like a knife. That's why I pushed the doc (it's not an unheard of cocktail, though yes, pretty rare/unsupported). But I found once I had my on script that if I take them for more than about two days in a row, the depression just comes back worse than it was before. So I'm definitely going to tell the doc that they were a failed experiment. It's just amazing what doctors will take your word for if you're a middle-aged personable white guy. I'm sure that if I looked and/or talked differently, he never would have gone for it.

It's a good question what started me thinking about looking for work. I'm very close with my mom's sister and her daughter (i.e. my aunt and cousin). My cousin mentioned that the place she works needs software engineers and that it's pretty laid back, so far as those kinds of shops go. She ended up asking for a resume just to show her boss, and that kicked off the whole deal. Basically, in terms of my own thought process, I think it was a matter of wishful thinking. Once upon a time, I loved me job. I loved working, and lots of my self-image was wrapped up in work-related accomplishment. I got seduced by the idea that maybe I could feel that way again. Maybe I could work again and feel that wonderful sense of accomplishment. But after a few days of chewing on the idea (after submitting my resume and doing a preliminary interview), the bad thinking came back. Who am I trying to kid? What makes me think I can have that again? Shit like that. And soon the whole fantasy crumbled away.

TOC, if you don't mind...roughly how old were you when you went back to school? Don't say anything more detailed than you're comfortable with. I'm just curious what kind of period in your life you were in when that went down.
 
Adderall gives me a mood boost too. Good old amphetamines...
It surprises me that your psych would prescribe them given your history with addiction (assuming they knew), anxiety and depression. Then again Im just an armchair druggist ha
I tried to get some back in the day, but Im kinda scruffy looking and the Dr was having none of it.

Do you honestly feel you wouldnt be able to hold a job and all the obligations and challenges associated with it? Or did self doubt win this one?
I think its a nice idea to want to feel accomplished. I often get caught up in what the accomplishment is though - is this worthy of my effort? When really putting forth any sort of effort is beyond what I am currently achieving and would be a great accomplishment in itself.
Perhaps the more remote job would be a means to achievement and self accomplishment without the added stresses of fulltime employment. Or perhaps the timing simply isnt right.

I dont mind sharing Sim ...
Initially I was 22 when I went back to school, ~9 years ago, just after my daughter was born. I thought I needed to be something more, something for her to be proud of, someone who could provide his family with everything they needed. I realized pretty quickly my major was not for me but everyone just said to push through it. I did and got by with minimal efforts for mediocre marks (70s). By the time fourth year rolled around all my peers were stoked to get into the work force but I could not foresee myself in such a position. I ended up 4 credits short and I went back to factory work for 3 years. But I couldnt get anywhere financially and the work was so mundane. When mom got sick in 2016 I figured going back would provide her with some hope, I was 29 at that time. Knowing I loathed accounting I tried to minor in organic chemistry after completing my major but between my poor mental health, constant life changes and deeply ingrained (poor) study habits I just flaked out half way through last semester.
 
^
Lots of good questions, TOC.

I go back and forth on whether or not I could hold a job. At this point, I ended up concluding that I really am not in a position to do well in a full-time, high pressure job. I *want* to be able to work like that again...I miss my old drive, my ambition, my energy. But I think I'm still a ways off from having that desire be a reality. However, I do think this part-time, work from home gig is going to come through. And I think it may be a really good thing for me. It's just serious enough that I could see myself getting psyched about it. But the demands are low enough that I think (and hope) I'll be able to hold the job without dredging up a bunch of anxiety. I should know more about it--and should know definitively if it's really going to happen--by Monday of next week.

One really great thing about academia (whether as a student or an employee) is that it tends to be extremely generous/flexible when it comes to second, third, fourth chances, etc. Any progress you made in the past will almost surely be an asset for you if you decide to do more school in the future.

For what it's worth, man, O-chem is fucking brutal. I'm pretty good with math/science, but organic chemistry was a total train wreck for me.
 
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