Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
That's what it's About.
You do the Best ya can.
You do the Best ya can.
Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on
- Thread starter simco
- Start date
- Status
Simco -
I am so sorry you are struggling right now. You, of all people, deserve a fucking break, a vacation from suffering or struggling - you deserve to be happy and be at peace and not just know you are ok but FEEL you are ok, too.
Feelings are feelings and facts are facts. Feelings suck, usually, or at least mine do. But let’s move on to the facts:
1. You are, without a doubt, one of the most supportive and awesome people in SL. Your thread and journey has been an inspiration to me and many others.
2. This too shall pass.
3. You CAN and WILL go on. Just look at the title of your thread!
4. Drugs, your DOC or otherwise, are not a good solution to these feelings.
There are more facts I could go into about how brilliant you are and how you could change the world if you wanted too, but I will spare you my list of 18 things and stick with the top four that I’m seeing. You may see things differently right now, but this is how I see it. I know the facts don’t change the feelings or ease the pain, but sometimes it’s the only thing we have to fall back on.
You and I communicated a fair amount earlier this year (until I stupidly got too embarrassed to show my digital face in the most accepting environment on the planet...I still kinda am...your last post forced my hand on signing in and responding) and I remember your marriage was a key factor in your motivation to get clean. I am so sorry that, after all your hard work, you were unable to save it - but I am "glad you were able to try like hell for a year...sometimes all you can do is try your best and leave it all on the field.
Keep on keeping on, simco. It’s hard to overstate the amount of love and vibes I’m sending in your direction. It’s times like these I wish I prayed so I could do more to help.
- VE
P.S. - how is your dog? I’m hoping she was able to stay with you through the separation? Or do you at least get joint custody?
I am so sorry you are struggling right now. You, of all people, deserve a fucking break, a vacation from suffering or struggling - you deserve to be happy and be at peace and not just know you are ok but FEEL you are ok, too.
Feelings are feelings and facts are facts. Feelings suck, usually, or at least mine do. But let’s move on to the facts:
1. You are, without a doubt, one of the most supportive and awesome people in SL. Your thread and journey has been an inspiration to me and many others.
2. This too shall pass.
3. You CAN and WILL go on. Just look at the title of your thread!
4. Drugs, your DOC or otherwise, are not a good solution to these feelings.
There are more facts I could go into about how brilliant you are and how you could change the world if you wanted too, but I will spare you my list of 18 things and stick with the top four that I’m seeing. You may see things differently right now, but this is how I see it. I know the facts don’t change the feelings or ease the pain, but sometimes it’s the only thing we have to fall back on.
You and I communicated a fair amount earlier this year (until I stupidly got too embarrassed to show my digital face in the most accepting environment on the planet...I still kinda am...your last post forced my hand on signing in and responding) and I remember your marriage was a key factor in your motivation to get clean. I am so sorry that, after all your hard work, you were unable to save it - but I am "glad you were able to try like hell for a year...sometimes all you can do is try your best and leave it all on the field.
Keep on keeping on, simco. It’s hard to overstate the amount of love and vibes I’m sending in your direction. It’s times like these I wish I prayed so I could do more to help.
- VE
P.S. - how is your dog? I’m hoping she was able to stay with you through the separation? Or do you at least get joint custody?
Hey again, Simco, it’s me, VE.
I was thinking of you and wanted to check and see how it’s going. I hope tolerable, and I hope that we hear from you soon. Still sending you much love and good vibes - at least as much as I have right now!
- VE
I was thinking of you and wanted to check and see how it’s going. I hope tolerable, and I hope that we hear from you soon. Still sending you much love and good vibes - at least as much as I have right now!
- VE
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
thank you, everyone. i love hearing from you. really, it means so much to me 
i'm still just crawling around in my own gloominess. the marriage dissolution seems to have opened up gates holding back all kinds of scary thoughts. the whole thing really cut me off at the knees.
i'm trying to get focused enough to get onto the computer more, mostly so i can get back on BL regularly. right now, it's just crazy, though...when i get super depressed, everything about me gets uncoordinated and lame. for example, i have a really hard typing (and not such an easy time having anything to say).
but i do think you you all and wish you my best.
Sim
PS VE--I got the doggie in the divorce
i'm still just crawling around in my own gloominess. the marriage dissolution seems to have opened up gates holding back all kinds of scary thoughts. the whole thing really cut me off at the knees.
i'm trying to get focused enough to get onto the computer more, mostly so i can get back on BL regularly. right now, it's just crazy, though...when i get super depressed, everything about me gets uncoordinated and lame. for example, i have a really hard typing (and not such an easy time having anything to say).
but i do think you you all and wish you my best.
Sim
PS VE--I got the doggie in the divorce
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Dont worry about crawling, after all; we have to learn how to crawl before we can learn to walk
Glad to hear from you sim
Glad to hear from you sim
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
I second VE's post. We love you Sim.
I understand you're in a dark place--it's so difficult to walk toward the light when you're overwhelmed. We really are here for you.
Hi there 10YG--
I just wanted to mention ; your post reminded me in a cute little flash back, of 8th grade algebra class (dear God over 30 years ago ) when Mr. Hatteberg rolled his eyes at us, the class in its entirety and stated in exasperation, (lonnnnñnng sigh) " It's Hard Ta Fly With Eagles, When Yer Workin With Turkeys."
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
Things continue to be pretty lame.
I was excited because I finally got enrolled in a suboxone program that is covered by insurance. I was looking forward to both the relief I hoped to get from subs as well as the structure of the program. The program is run by a large HMO/hospital, and it seemed pretty good. Nothing fancy, but perfectly solid and legit-seeming.
I went to my first day of the program on Wednesday of this week. It was fine...had to listen to a room-full of junkies (like me) tell the doctor their woes and hopes, but whatever. I was pretty scandalized by the cost--each week's meeting session cost me a hefty chunk of change because my obamacare insurance (which is also very expensive) sucks. But eventually those sessions would become bi-weekly, and eventually monthly, so I was willing to tolerate that cost.
The real trouble came when I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script. ... Under my insurance, even the generic bupe they Rx'ed me was $<insert very large number here>.
The cost of the program/medication was ludicrous and impossible for me to cover. So I had no choice but to bail (even if I did have a choice, I wouldn't have paid that outrageous cost).
The whole thing made me want to write a letter to the New York Times Op-ed page about the fucked up state of healthcare in this country, especially as it relates to our 'opioid epidemic.' I was outraged...I'm a fairly assertive, articulate, non-dumb person, and it took me days of following leads and pestering people even to get in the door of this program. Even finding a program that my insurance covered was hard. Once I found the program, it turned out to be prohibitively expensive (I also wasted a tremendous amount of time getting to the point where I found this out).
I am in that spot financially where I do not qualify for obamacare subsidies, making healthcare by far the biggest bill I pay. I also don't qualify for medicaid (or our local equivalent). But I'm *by no means* wealthy. I can't afford to live on my own around here, for example. I'm trying to do the right thing...keep myself insured, get on subs. But I feel like that's nearly impossible given the state of healthcare and addiction treatment in the US.
I'll resist the urge to rant about this more. Thanks, everyone for your loving posts/messages. I love you all, and am thinking of you even as I'm here at the bottom of the universe, surrounded by dead crows (reference to once of my earlier posts regarding ketamine).
I was excited because I finally got enrolled in a suboxone program that is covered by insurance. I was looking forward to both the relief I hoped to get from subs as well as the structure of the program. The program is run by a large HMO/hospital, and it seemed pretty good. Nothing fancy, but perfectly solid and legit-seeming.
I went to my first day of the program on Wednesday of this week. It was fine...had to listen to a room-full of junkies (like me) tell the doctor their woes and hopes, but whatever. I was pretty scandalized by the cost--each week's meeting session cost me a hefty chunk of change because my obamacare insurance (which is also very expensive) sucks. But eventually those sessions would become bi-weekly, and eventually monthly, so I was willing to tolerate that cost.
The real trouble came when I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script. ... Under my insurance, even the generic bupe they Rx'ed me was $<insert very large number here>.
The cost of the program/medication was ludicrous and impossible for me to cover. So I had no choice but to bail (even if I did have a choice, I wouldn't have paid that outrageous cost).
The whole thing made me want to write a letter to the New York Times Op-ed page about the fucked up state of healthcare in this country, especially as it relates to our 'opioid epidemic.' I was outraged...I'm a fairly assertive, articulate, non-dumb person, and it took me days of following leads and pestering people even to get in the door of this program. Even finding a program that my insurance covered was hard. Once I found the program, it turned out to be prohibitively expensive (I also wasted a tremendous amount of time getting to the point where I found this out).
I am in that spot financially where I do not qualify for obamacare subsidies, making healthcare by far the biggest bill I pay. I also don't qualify for medicaid (or our local equivalent). But I'm *by no means* wealthy. I can't afford to live on my own around here, for example. I'm trying to do the right thing...keep myself insured, get on subs. But I feel like that's nearly impossible given the state of healthcare and addiction treatment in the US.
I'll resist the urge to rant about this more. Thanks, everyone for your loving posts/messages. I love you all, and am thinking of you even as I'm here at the bottom of the universe, surrounded by dead crows (reference to once of my earlier posts regarding ketamine).
Sim -
what a load of crap. Stories like this make me angry! When anyone asks for help then I think we (society as a whole) need to perk up and get on that. Instead, we put people in the worst possible position, through a gauntlet that would be hard on the healthiest of individuals...so f’ing stupid.
Good job moving forward and getting what you need, despite the hurdles. Do you plan to leave this program or try and stick it out?
- VE
what a load of crap. Stories like this make me angry! When anyone asks for help then I think we (society as a whole) need to perk up and get on that. Instead, we put people in the worst possible position, through a gauntlet that would be hard on the healthiest of individuals...so f’ing stupid.
Good job moving forward and getting what you need, despite the hurdles. Do you plan to leave this program or try and stick it out?
- VE
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Its good to hear from you man.
From the length of your paragraphs Id guess youre feeling a bit better anyways?
I say write the letter.
Even if youre not going to send it.
Itd be a good way to vent.
What are your plans moving forward? Is it possible to find another program near by thats also covered by your insurance?
From the length of your paragraphs Id guess youre feeling a bit better anyways?
I say write the letter.
Even if youre not going to send it.
Itd be a good way to vent.
What are your plans moving forward? Is it possible to find another program near by thats also covered by your insurance?
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
Hey Sim,
It breaks my heart to hear that you're going through such a rough time. You have been a friend and inspiration to me since I joined Bluelight early last year. I wish that I had some words of wisdom to offer, but for now the most that I can do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Much Love and Respect,
Dreamflyer
It breaks my heart to hear that you're going through such a rough time. You have been a friend and inspiration to me since I joined Bluelight early last year. I wish that I had some words of wisdom to offer, but for now the most that I can do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Much Love and Respect,
Dreamflyer
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
Any improvements Sim?
I've remembered you in my prayers. Now I want some validation! Ha ha ha
No I just want you to feel Good about life . . . Stay well.
I've remembered you in my prayers. Now I want some validation! Ha ha ha
No I just want you to feel Good about life . . . Stay well.
Stargazer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2013
- Messages
- 1,673
We're all pulling for you Sim . I'm in my own personal hell (as you know) I miss seeing you on BL.
It is pretty damn shitty that it's so difficult and astronomically exspensive to get help when you're trying to do the right thing. I've been reduced to tears many times.
At any rate- you are in my prayers Sim.
. I'm in my own personal hell (as you know) I miss seeing you on BL. It is pretty damn shitty that it's so difficult and astronomically exspensive to get help when you're trying to do the right thing. I've been reduced to tears many times.
At any rate- you are in my prayers Sim.
- Status