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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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Hey sim--
Besides not being able to afford anything, what's it like Hangin around those high -end fuckers??

Poverty -stricken minds wanna know!
 
Runningfox said:
Hey sim--
Besides not being able to afford anything, what's it like Hangin around those high -end fuckers??

Poverty -stricken minds wanna know!
Click to expand...

The high-end fucktards around here are a joke. I’m sure there are some nice/interesting ones scattered around. But for the most part it’s all “bro” culture, echoes of high school, and “artisanal” everything (donuts, suboxone docs ;) , etc etc).

I guess the other point is that I really don’t hang out with them... the area is strongly bifurcated... there are the tech people, and then there are the hordes of us that make up the underclass.

With all that said, I do still love things about this area. It’s where I grew up. And though most of it is unrecognizeable now, some things are lovely here if you know where/how to look.
 
I have an appt today at a reasonable-seeming suboxone/methadone clinic today. I’ll post about it after I’m done. I’m excited. But also torn...I had several dreams last night where I was debating the merits of subs vs methadone and stuff like that.
 
Man, what a journey we've all been on, huh? It hasn't been boring... that's for sure!

Sim, I was just reading back to your first posts about how it didn't find you until your 40's. I was 35 myself, although I did have a ten-year alcohol problem by then. But I went from pretty much opioid-naïve to a full-blown expert on every one virtually overnight.

Alcohol was the same way; I was a health nut until the age of 25, then a glass of wine turned into a pint of whiskey in a matter of weeks!

At nearly 50 I'm probably the healthiest I've been in 20 years! I've even started picking up the old free weights again :D
 
Awesome DF.

I need to become healthier myself. ; not currently in the grips of a substance use disorder but I do have weight to lose n an awful 'addiction' to soda pop. And cigarettes ugh.

Watchin for updates from sim
 
Not looking for sympathy. Things are what they are.

My life is grey and desperate. I want to die. I have no energy and no feelings except sadness and disgust and hate. Pieces of my life are peeling away and drying up.

I want everything to end. I want to be dead. I want the world to burn itself down to a tiny black ash.

Please, please, god. I’m so fucking done.
 
I've been following this thread but seeing this post compelled me to reply. I truly believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If pieces of your life are peeling away then create new ones. You've helped countless number of people on BL, including myself, so seeing this post gets to me. I'll be following this thread, stay strong Sim!
 
tjmothy said:
I've been following this thread but seeing this post compelled me to reply. I truly believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If pieces of your life are peeling away then create new ones. You've helped countless number of people on BL, including myself, so seeing this post gets to me. I'll be following this thread, stay strong Sim!
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I would have said these same words but ya beat me to it.
Life hurts, badly sometimes. I really hope you're able to dig yourself outta the darkness , Sim. My own mom died by suicide; she was Burdened beyond human strength. I hope and pray this does NOT happen to you.

Sending love and courage -- strength and peace.
 
I’ve been a lurker for a while now and this was one of the very first threads I’ve read from start to finish. I lost my brother to suicide bc of his addiction and depression and I’m sending all of the same things that Runningfox mentioned above. I’m pulling for you and sending positive thoughts and vibes.
 
SassyBritches said:
I’ve been a lurker for a while now and this was one of the very first threads I’ve read from start to finish. I lost my brother to suicide bc of his addiction and depression and I’m sending all of the same things that Runningfox mentioned above. I’m pulling for you and sending positive thoughts and vibes.
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Hey . Happy holidays to a fellow "suicide survivor "''----- horrible term the mental health field uses to tag those of us who have lost a loved one via suicide. I'm sorry bout your brother's passing. My mom was depressed for a lifetime I think (No substance use there).
But the only way I was able to Let Go (and it took a couple years ) was to come to the understanding that the Lord or the universe if you will, does not allow a suicide attempt to become a suicide Completed, unless it's truly that person's Time To Go Home.

Suicide attempts that do not result in death are not meant to be. They only serve to Damage the person's body & make living even harder.
Sometimes we get lucky n its a cry for help that's actually Answered.

Take care !
 
I’m definitely thinking a lot about suicide these days. But I don’t feel like I’m on the edge of doing that. I want to be hobest but I don’t want to worry people unnecessarily.

I still have the same feelings though. tired as he’ll of myself. Wanting to be rid of me.
 
Dear, Dear Sim ---

I dunno if you're churchy or not.... but when I read your latest post the old hymn popped into my head :
"May Those Who Come Behind Us Find Us Faithful." .... then I think of the epitaph on the Apostle Paul's headstone , stating something to the affect of " I have stayed the course. I have fought the good fight. I have kept the faith".


Now I'm not gonna get all churchy on you-- i dunno your Spiritual beliefs--- but I will tell you (because I have BEEN THERE, brother) that now IS the time for courage. Dig as deeply as you possibly can, and Locate what it is that you Do have Faith in (be It a Lord or the universe or nature.... something larger than yourself, something to hold on to ) --- dig dig dig until you reach it. If it takes outside help, then so be it. There is absolutely no shame in going forward to gain assistance when you're in the pits of Such Darkness.

I can't tell ya how many many thousands of times I have wished and wondered and wanted and fantasized...."if only mom had Told someone . . . If only she had sought Help."

I personally suffered a nervous breakdown a few months after the suicide death Of mom, and my own divorce. I was Seriously suicidal then myself and I got Real help only after two failed and damaging suicide attempts. (Nine more minutes in the circumstances I was in, said the doctor, 9 more minutes and my beautiful three babies at the time all under age 5 would have no mother forever.)....

I had inpatient then outpatient psychiatric care.... I had anti depressants (the RIGHT ones for my chemistry, finally ) aided by Lithium. This was temporary. ...

I was in counselling on my own for a full 18 months, following.

I got my life back.
I got to see those girls grow up.
I got to attend high school graduations and (thus far) one wedding. . .
I got to get married again.
I got to attend college. I got to achieve a degree. I got to work in my chosen field long and well.
I got to rescue an easy dozen pets over the years. ....teach n tutor and mentor more kids of all ages than I can count.
I got to make wedding cakes and travel around and meet amazing folks. . . .

I got to Be beside my Dad and take his last breath with him.... I got to Keep promises I had made years ago to myself.

I got to Become me.

It is absolutely NEVER too late; as long as one has breath and thought, one has Power.
"Where there's life there's hope" (bet you have heard that one)....

I know you CANNOT find hope right now. So borrow mine. Take from those of us whom love respect care for and admire you.... take a little hope from here, a little strength from another "fan"....
grab on as hard as you can n HOLD

It's not for Ourselves that we wish to see you Make It, Sim. It's for YOU : you've come so far. Don't you dare Fuckin give up now. Do Not allow that Darkness to take away what you've got left, the Life and joy and goodness you've got coming to you.

The darkness GOT my mom... And
I will be Damned if it'll EVER get me.

Dig . Fight. Fight as hard as you can against it. Enlist help; see a psych doc or walk into the ER. (I personally think Now is the time)....

Don't let it get you.


LOVE -- (alllllll the love i can send via an internet connection n a junky Android phone)....
Find your Faith, Sim n Hold ON! !!!!
 
Sim I'm not gonna tell you everything is going to be better, I know that's not what you want to hear, just hang in there man, I've been there too, I sat with a gun in my mouth every night for a year wanting to end it. If I had it never could've gotten better, it is now it's been years l, but life's finally starting to feel worth it.
 
bptubbs said:
Sim I'm not gonna tell you everything is going to be better, I know that's not what you want to hear, just hang in there man, I've been there too, I sat with a gun in my mouth every night for a year wanting to end it. If I had it never could've gotten better, it is now it's been years l, but life's finally starting to feel worth it.
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I'm so very glad you Stayed.
I won't say it takes more Strength to stay and face the bitter with the better.... because I .... hard to explain but I Respect those whose suicide IS the right thing
It happens VERY rarely but some times it's right (like a cancer patient deciding to go On his own terms)...
It takes Incredible nerve to end It. .....

I think it takes Faith, in something, to stay.
Maybe you had just a sliver of faith in yourself? Or a tiny shred of hope.... that's all it takes. A tiny Thread, to grab onto and hold.

I'm glad you Stayed .
 
Thank you, if I'm being honest I didn't do it because in my mind I don't deserve it to end, I was a very bad guy for a long time, now every day is working to be better.
 
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