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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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Sounds like a great plan for the 4th, Sim! Enjoy... congrats on the job offer... I hope it is a good fit for you and a positive experience.
 
toothpastedog said:
Let us know how it goes! Someone like you, I have no doubt that you'll make a good impression :)
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Thanks, TPD.

The first day was fine...lots of paperwork and walking around meeting people. Brought out a little of my social anxiety, but not a big deal. Getting ready for Day 2 right now.
 
I'm getting ready to go to the last day of my first week at my new job. It's been going well over all. But I realized recently that the new job is raising a personal issue. The issue is lame (I'm a fucking grown-up and shouldn't dwell on it), but the heart fears what the heart fears.

I wouldn't even write about this, except I know it relates to my recovery.

The issue has to do with my dad.

As some of you know, my previous job was fairly "prestigious"; I had an international reputation, invented things, wrote books etc., blah blah blah. All told, I did it for about 20 years. More importantly, my previous job was the same as what my dad does, only he's way more successful than I ever was. My dad and I never had a great relationship until I went into the same line of work as him. He *loved* that, and for 20 years, things were great.

But I hated my job. And that's why I recently left. Now I'm working a slacker retail job that feels like a better fit for me, at least for now. My hope is that the slacker aspect of it will allow me to focus on my hobby as an amateur writer.

Last time I talked to my dad, I totally lied and said I'd been offered a much "better" job than what I've actually got. I figured, who cares? He doesn't need to know what I do. And it made him happy. End of story.

Well, over the last couple days I started feeling queasy about the lie. Not so much due to the dishonesty (though that's part of it). More on principle--it's my life and if this job is what I want to do to minimize stress and bad feelings, who cares what my dad thinks?

So I guess I'm going to just tell him what my job actually is and try to explain my (to him) incomprehensible career change. I'm really dreading this conversation. Talks like this make me feel like a scolded tween. But owning my life and being upfront about my motives and values has been a big part of my recovery, and I don't want to compromise those things simply to avoid an uncomfortable vibe.

It's weird, somehow this whole thing has made me feel sneaky and like I'm about to get caught in a lie, very much like I felt when I was using. It's been an unpleasant walk down memory lane.
 
simco said:
Now I'm working a slacker retail job that feels like a better fit for me, at least for now.
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Hey Simco, I just read this. First of all, congratulations on your new job. Second, I hope that the talk with your dad goes as well as possible.

Now... I know that this is way easier said than done but, PLEASE don't ever put yourself down for the job that you do, unless you're a drug dealer or a pimp!!! You are being a productive member of society. Not only that, but you are doing it while also working on your recovery (not to mention supporting everyone here with ours), which can be a full-time "job" in itself.

In 2004 I left a fairly high-ranking corporate position that I had worked nearly ten years to obtain for various reasons, mainly pertaining to my addiction, depression, anxiety and family problems. But also, I felt as though the job was turning me into somebody that I didn't want to be. That, coupled with the unbelievable stress of my workload, made me realize that no amount of money (which wasn't that great anyway) or prestige would do me any good if I ended up bleeding to death from stomach ulcers or drooling in a rubber room somewhere!

I won't bore you with the details, but I took some time off from work and eventually, yes... ended up back in a minimum-wage retail job again. Every time that people say things like, "OMG, you're [x] years old and you work where?", I want to scream my friggin' balls off! PLEASE try to hold your head up high.

As far as your dad is concerned, we will always feel like little kids around our parents. I just look at that as a sign of respect towards them. I am almost 50 years old and still cannot smoke a cigarette in front of my mom! My friend is 65 and he is the same exact way.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer 8o
 
Thanks, dreamflyer. That's an impressive story, about your career change. That's fantastic that you were able to resist the pressure to stay in a job that was chewing you up. That pressure is real, but we gotta be true to ourselves. I'm actually much prouder of my current job than I was of my last, more prestigious one. It's hard, honest work. But my dad always brings out the self-doubt in me...I've never been sure why, but so it goes.

FWIW, I had a pretty decent conversation with him about work yesterday. He was actually pretty supportive. I could tell it freaked him out a little, but to his credit, I felt like he understand my motivation.

It felt good be straight up and own what I'm doing.
 
simco said:
FWIW, I had a pretty decent conversation with him about work yesterday. He was actually pretty supportive. I could tell it freaked him out a little, but to his credit, I felt like he understand my motivation.It felt good be straight up and own what I'm doing.
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Oh, I'm so glad to hear that :D

I had a rocky relationship with my dad for many, many years. He was a rather volatile alcoholic during my childhood and then I started to become one myself in my late 20's, which didn't help matters any. Over the past couple decades however, he has become one of my best friends in the entire world. Now I know that he was always very proud of me but too wrapped up in his own pain to show it.

Have a wonderful day, my friend...
 
Wondering what the fuck is going on today...for zero apparent reason whatsoever, I woke up with my anxiety climbing the walls. Actually, I'm sure it's not for zero reason. But it feels like a mystery to me. Been a while since I was on edge like this. Hopefully the day will shake it off me.
 
simco said:
Wondering what the fuck is going on today...for zero apparent reason whatsoever, I woke up with my anxiety climbing the walls. Actually, I'm sure it's not for zero reason. But it feels like a mystery to me. Been a while since I was on edge like this. Hopefully the day will shake it off me.
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When the discomforts I encounter in daily life, whether they be more physiological or psychological, it's always infinitely more difficult to deal with and manage when I feel like I have no idea what the cause is.

I have a feeling you'll figure it out as your mood begins to shift in hopefully a less melancholy (or whatnot) direction.

It sounds like your new gig is going well, but new jobs are always a bit stressful for me. Even if it's super easy work I'm qualified for. Even if work is going really well, I don't think that means you're not allowed to get stressed out by something about or related to it.

Let us know how your day turns out. Sending you lots of good SoCal vibes comrade simco! :) <3
 
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Thanks, TPD. Yeah, I think the new job has me a little rattled. Like you say--it's no a matter of qualifications. It's just new. I feel a bit better now that I'm at work doing my thing.
 
I was just writing on another thread about the kinds of heroin-related thinking that comes into my head these days. Most days I don't think about heroin at all. On days when I do, it's usually in the context of being surprised that I'm not strung out any more. And then, occasionally, I still daydream about using.

After months of almost no fantasies or cravings, after moving recently, these kind of thoughts have been coming back a bit.

I'm glad I moved; my old town/state were just completely tied up in drugs for me. There was nothing left for me there. But it's definitely the case that rolling into a new state, not knowing a soul, and trying to start a new career after a few disastrous years...it raises the ghosts. You feel unmoored, unsettled. You don't have any familiar reference points (the people and places I was getting away from) to orient you. ... All this makes me think, "oh *I* know what would feel just like home right now."

To stay on the right side of the progress I've made, I'm trying to keep busy. Lots of work. Attempts at gussiying up the house to feel more homey.
 
I knew you wrote professionally!! Real talent shines through-no hiding it.

At any rate-Conratulations on everything Sim. Your new job, moving, being authentic-at how hard you're working on and participating in your recovery. You're amazing.

When I came back to BL after a brief absence-I read this entire thread that day when it was half the size it now is. Itgave me hope that day just as it does today.

Well done. ❤️?
 
Wow I can say so much what a great thread. I don't post much these days. After working hard for 25 yrs to make a good living and all that stuff it took 4 yrs since disability but now I'm living with my dad. When something always happened I'd stay with my mom my best friend but cancer took her Nov 2015. Trying to make 800$ a month with bills and kids is almost impossible plus issues with my license all that. Kinda bankrupt in all areas plus tons of health issues that are permant.

However all my spiritual studies and 14 yrs in and out of recovery and even running around the streets awhile has taught me patience and humility. I've heard of you have true humility you don't know it. I think that's accurate. I'm no angel I mess up daily but I truly believe I've had to endure everything for a reason.
 
So I can say I see joy in my future like my mom used to say. I didn't see that a month ago when everything broke mentally, physically and spiritually and nervous breakdown is an understatement so I tried to end my life bc I couldn't endure the pain anymore. But even 77 lithium and a half gallon of booze wasn't enough for God to let me go away from my daughter.

So the positive part of the post is no matter how bad it gets folks there ALWAYS someone right around the corner who has it way worse so yes I'm happy to be me I'm grateful especially when I make my gratitude list everyday I was taught if you got even one on there your ok I've watched dudes who can't even put one. Parts of me can't go on big enough of me does to be ok. Being happy is a luxury for a dude like me but being ok is fully acceptable. Reading a book recently called Radical Acceptance by the only Tibetian Buddhist nun in the world really changed things for me. Check it out if you need help accepting things in life like health issues or getting your golf round rained out like my father God bless him I love him but jeez man really? Haha. Thanks for all the great posts I haven't read thru a whole thread in awhile. Btw get at me toothpastedog I could use your wisdom and wit homie. Yall take care and go on never give up;)
 
Tara Brach is quite awesome if I do say so myself :) have you read her more recent book, True Refuge? Picks up where Radical Acceptance left off

Anyhoo good to hear from you closeau! Really glad to hear you are making things work.
 
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