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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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When the stress level increases, such as with a big move, cravings tend to become more noticeable. You continue to be doing really well simco.
 
Admittedly I have not read your whole thread simco (just the first post and now this last one).

I can relate to stress causing craving.
I have come to accept this as an inevitability, for the time being, and can only hope that it will cease with time.
What I remind myself is that it took years to build these poor habits and I can only assume itll take years to forge new ones.

I can also relate to losing a close friend to suicide. My thoughts are with you.

Much love.
TOC
 
Thanks TPD and TOC. The last couple days have been better. I've still had a definite uptick in cravings. But they haven't been as strong as they were that first day. I'm just trying to "lean into" the anxiety, let it happen. I also find that keeping my mind on the future instead of the past helps with these cravings. I think that's because the cravings this time have definitely been tied up with feeling uprooted and panicky about losing my history here, however fucked up that history was. All this ended up with thoughts along the lines of, "oh it would be so easy to score while I'm still here, and I won't know any connects in my new town." Things like that. Focusing on my excitement over what's to come--even if it carries anxiety with it--gets my head in a healthier space.
 
I landed in my new town yesterday after three days of driving. Feeling good so far. Everything seems pretty steady and cool in my new neighborhood.

Only odd moment: I ran to Walmart to stock up the empty fridge. There was a guy panhandling there with an amputated leg (young dude but didn't look military so I assumed IV drug use) who somehow locked right onto me and asked if I needed anything. I said nah and kept walking. Not a big deal. And not a surprise; dope is everywhere. It does amaze me though how people seem to know if you have the stink of heroin on you, even months after the fact.

All in all tho, I'm psyched to be starting a new chapter. Gonna go to my first meeting tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm typing on my phone with no internet till Monday, so I'll be kinda MIA a while longer.
 
Nice, glad to hear you're about to begin settling in! It sounds like you'll really enjoy living there (I mean, like you said, incidents like this aside).
 
Went to my first NA meeting in my new town last night. It was real nice; the folks were very friendly and non-dogmatic. I got some phone numbers and exchanged texts with a few guys today. One very comforting thing about NA--you can move across the country and feel totally uprooted, but if you hit a meeting you're guaranteed an hour of familiarity and maybe even inroads to a social scene. For now, just the ritual of being in a meeting--the familiar rhythms--was very pleasant.

Overall, things are going well in the new digs. Of course moving is always stressful. But overall I'm feeling jazzed.

The only bummer is that I'll need to find a job soon, and since I figure it's likely I'll get drug tested, I'm not letting myself smoke weed. It's been a week now since I smoked...not a big deal. But it would be nice. Ah well...so it goes.
 
I got invited to speak at an NA meeting yesterday. It was a bit of a shock b/c in my old haunts, speakers needed to have way more clean time than I have. But a local meeting chair said they like to hear stories from folks new to town, and so he invited me to speak.

It was intense. I didn't know what to say other than biographical stuff. So that took me over some dark fucking territory. In the end, it was cathartic, though. Glad I did it.
 
Kudos, Sim! You are an inspiration to many. I'm certain your story touched hearts in that meeting. A fresh start in a new place sounds amazing.

My husband and I fantasize about selling our home place, pulling up deep roots from "dark fucking territory" (family stuff) My issues are not drug-related, but my life is consumed by intractable pain. GI issues make pain meds life-threatening. We wish we could move to a legal MMJ state. It's not feasible, even now that my mom has died.

Keep moving forward. I'm happy for you!
 
DixiChik said:
Kudos, Sim! You are an inspiration to many. I'm certain your story touched hearts in that meeting. A fresh start in a new place sounds amazing.

My husband and I fantasize about selling our home place, pulling up deep roots from "dark fucking territory" (family stuff) My issues are not drug-related, but my life is consumed by intractable pain. GI issues make pain meds life-threatening. We wish we could move to a legal MMJ state. It's not feasible, even now that my mom has died.

Keep moving forward. I'm happy for you!
Click to expand...

Thanks, Dixie. I hope you do get to open a new chapter when the time is right. Meanwhile, keep your chin up. I'm always rooting for you!
 
I've noticed a weird phenomenon in the last week or so.

I'm applying for jobs, and since I assume I'm going to get drug tested, I've been abstaining from cannabis. Without thinking much about it, in the evenings I've been taking the edge off by drinking...no a lot, but enough to get a decent buzz. Since I started this I've been having using dreams almost every night. I can also feel tiny cravings for heroin in the corners of my thinking.

Not sure if there's a cause and effect relationship between the booze and the increased thinking about narcotics. But it sure seems like one might be there. I guess I better stop with the alcohol.

Looks like it's going to be full-on abstinence for me for a while. I can't say I'm super thrilled about the prospect. Who knows, though? Maybe I'll find it's not so bad.
 
Some people definitely report a connection between drinking and prior opioid use. Sounds like what you're doing will be a worthwhile experiment in any case. It's hardly like normal cannabis, but I wonder if you could take some CBD or something instead of using normal cannabis or drinking. I wonder if you'd experience any relief from that (I doubt it would be much if anything, but one never knows). I'm assuming that couldn't short up for THC-related metabolites.
 
Just got back from an awesome run in the mountains. Did about 5 miles, starting at 10,000' and maxing out above the tree line around 11,500'. It was brutal but I feel fucking great. I love altitude.
 
Altitude is great for all sorts of outdoor stuff, I admit :)

Maybe next summer I'll have to take a little southwest road trip again. Those are good fun.
 
Feeling jazzed. I just got offered a job. It's nothing fancy--retail, but at a company I respect, and who is reputed to treat its employees well. I'm sure the job will have its down sides. But I'm excited, nevertheless. My old job was so tied up with using (I started using while working that job, and the heroin became my go-to for handling the insane stress and anger that was simply part of the gig). Landing new employment makes my recent move feel even more like a fresh start.

My other hope is that the new job will not follow me home (in terms of stress), so hopefully I'll be able to pursue creative projects during my off-time.
 
It's not exactly kitchen related, but I think we're gonna chill out in our back yard where there's a little fire pit. Planning to sit back and watch the stars.
 
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