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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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VastEmpty said:
Simster!

That is my last symptom, too. I'm starting to think that this is just what sober feels like - a deep, deep, cold that never leaves. I'm probably being overly dramatic about it, but that's how it feels. Do you have a heating blanket? Mine is a life saver. It's the only time I feel warm when I'm not in my car or in the shower.

As 10 years said, I think we would all be great friends if we found ourselves in an NA meeting together - for some reason, the thought of that is very comforting for me. I wish I was able to post more, especially lately. SL is the place where I feel the least isolated. Not participating as much as I would like to is having a surprisingly negative effect on my attitude towards recovery. I need to do much better at prioritizing my well-being.

You mentioned that you didn't celebrate your 90 days - I totally get what you mean about loved ones not really wanting to talk about it, much less celebrate it. Have you considered taking your wife somewhere for the weekend and making it about celebrating your new life with her? It might score you some brownie points - and it sounds like you both could use something positive right now! Just a thought.

Keep on keeping on, Sim. I'm here with you the whole way.

- VE
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Hey, VE!!!

That's a nice idea, taking my wife out for an adventure. I do think she'd like that. Also, an electric blanket is a great idea; at this point, I need to take a shower or go for a drive if I want to get warm.

Sorry to hear that you're getting pulled away from things that work positively for your recovery. The kind of prioritizing you mentioned is so hard...the details of daily living always seem to demand immediate attention, while long-term projects like recovery easily find themselves at the back of our thoughts. Before you know it, the day's over and it's almost time to wake up to do it all again. :\ I feel like finding ways to integrate meaningful, sustainable recovery into a functioning life is going to be one of the biggest challenges we face in the months and years ahead. In that sense, you're doing the work. Even if it feels like you're far away.

It sure would be fun to run into you all at a meeting. Well, failing that, let's all remember that at least we can PM each other!!
<3
Sim
 
For the record- I get hypothermically cold when in w/d. When I was locked up (the day my house burned down because empty dope bags and rigs were found by the fire chief) CT'ing off of 300mgs of morphine and a bundle to a bundle and a half of h a day- jail had the a/c on and the windows open-In thin scrubs. It was unbearable. I was shaking, intolerably cold. VE you're not being overly dramatic- I experience this symptom every time Im in w/d.


An electric blanket is divine to me. I was sitting in a chair w one up to my neck. So warm, soothing and cozy. I appreciate everyone here- Im in a bit of a tough place right now. The honesty and acceptance in SL means alot to me. For anyone struggling today -having cravings or feeling not so strong- you're not alone.
 
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Sim -

i thought of you today while I was struggling through my work day and dealing with stupid people. How is your work/life balance going currently? You mentioned you will be back to full time in a few months, but is your workload manageable for now? I hope so.

Mostly, I just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts today! Much love and give us an update soon!

- VE
 
10YearsGone said:
For the record- I get hypothermically cold when in w/d. When I was locked up (the day my house burned down because empty dope bags and rigs were found by the fire chief) CT'ing off of 300mgs of morphine and a bundle to a bundle and a half of h a day- jail had the a/c on and the windows open-In thin scrubs. It was unbearable. I was shaking, intolerably cold. VE you're not being overly dramatic- I experience this symptom every time Im in w/d.


An electric blanket is divine to me. I was sitting in a chair w one up to my neck. So warm, soothing and cozy. I appreciate everyone here- Im in a bit of a tough place right now. The honesty and acceptance in SL means alot to me. For anyone struggling today -having cravings or feeling not so strong- you're not alone.
Click to expand...


Hang in there 10yearsgone! its like a bad roller coaster ride for me too some days im fucking good then i get a stretch of shit days lots of pain, depression. Atleast better days are more frequent lately thank god!!. I bought a electric blanket right before wds i lived under that thing for a month, its in the closet now i guess thats progress.
best of luck 10yearsgone
 
Work/life balance is struggle. You're right, VE, I am at work full time now. Feeling like I made a big mistake coming back.

Truth is, I haven't been writing much on this journal b/c I've been feeling ground down and not very enthused about my recovery. No fuck-ups, in terms of going back to heroin, so that's good. But I have dabbled in a few substitute drugs, which is incredibly stupid. Stims, just b/c I can get them and they do make me feel better for a little while. But this is obviously not a road I want to go down. It all started when I met a new connect...I get completely undone by nursing connections. Dunno why, I just feel crazy when I find someone solid...if I'm honest, I think the few things I've bought from him are in part a long-term plan of staying on his good side because he gets incredible heroin. (Fantasizing about using again in some unspecified 'future'.)

OK, typing this out, I'm realizing I need to delete this guy's number. Though that will have limited effect since I know where he lives, and he's fine with me walking up.

Mostly, I'm just so tired of the relentless bleakness, boredom, and agitation that came around since I quit opiates. I know others can relate. But somehow right now, it's all weighing heavier than usual. I do think being stretched thin (prematurely) at work has something to do with these feelings.

Sorry for the bummer post, everyone.

I'm still pushing--still trying. Still with you, though a bit banged up.
 
Hang in there sim! I feel ya i had a hell week two weeks ago just when i was starting to sleep better it went to shit and with that everything bad follows depression anxiety.
But i pushed through it cause where im at now is so much better than worrying about dosing opioids around the clock everyday. Sim... they say this shit gets better and im scared to even say this! i think i am starting to reap that harvest my sleep is getting better it seems so much of how we feel is based on the sleep we get in paws. Keep pushing!
 
that's awesome to hear, TLD...could you remind me: how far along are you? i.e. How long has it been since you quit? whatever the answer, I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling even a little relief.
 
simco said:
Work/life balance is struggle. You're right, VE, I am at work full time now. Feeling like I made a big mistake coming back.

Truth is, I haven't been writing much on this journal b/c I've been feeling ground down and not very enthused about my recovery. No fuck-ups, in terms of going back to heroin, so that's good. But I have dabbled in a few substitute drugs, which is incredibly stupid. Stims, just b/c I can get them and they do make me feel better for a little while. But this is obviously not a road I want to go down. It all started when I met a new connect...I get completely undone by nursing connections. Dunno why, I just feel crazy when I find someone solid...if I'm honest, I think the few things I've bought from him are in part a long-term plan of staying on his good side because he gets incredible heroin. (Fantasizing about using again in some unspecified 'future'.)

OK, typing this out, I'm realizing I need to delete this guy's number. Though that will have limited effect since I know where he lives, and he's fine with me walking up.

Mostly, I'm just so tired of the relentless bleakness, boredom, and agitation that came around since I quit opiates. I know others can relate. But somehow right now, it's all weighing heavier than usual. I do think being stretched thin (prematurely) at work has something to do with these feelings.

Sorry for the bummer post, everyone.

I'm still pushing--still trying. Still with you, though a bit banged up.
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Dude, your recovery is your recovery. Don't beat yourself up for using stims. If they caused you to feel shitty or lead to impulsive/harmful decisions, that is one thing, but don't beat yourself up over it. I know plenty of people who use stims in recovery, although I don't think I know anyone who uses them who ever had a prior issue with them - and even then it is basic stuff like oral/intranasal amphetamines and MDMA as opposed to cocaine or injection methamp.

What was the stim use like? Have you considered using some kind of sacred medicine/psychedelics to reflect upon your relationship with opioids/heroin? The biggest turning point in my recovery probably came with the profound insight that I love heroin, will always love heroin, but that that face alone doesn't mean I have to alway be using heroin. I can detach with love, as they say ;) it just took me a long time to figure out how to detach with love from heroin, a long time and a lot of drugs 8)

Soul search and psychedelic medicine definitely was a big part of my process in coming to terms with my relationship with heroin.

Anyways, I'd like to hear more about the feelings of emptiness/heaviness you're struggling with. It sounds like it also has something to do with the grieving process, that you find yourself once again drawn back to using/heroin because that has been how you've regulated particularly difficult mood states for so long - and not that isn't available, and frankly meetings only go so far, so it's like what are you going to replace the drug with to allow you to better regulate your mood?

I'm curious sim, what do you like to do for fun? Like in terms of your passions and hobbies, outside of stimulant, gabaergic or opioid substance use?
 
simco said:
that's awesome to hear, TLD...could you remind me: how far along are you? i.e. How long has it been since you quit? whatever the answer, I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling even a little relief.
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Thanks Sim! i think tomorrow will be day 70 for me, my last dose of oxy was midnight on Thanksgiving night so black friday was my first day. I really am finally starting to sleep better and with that everything else is getting better too. You will get there too and it will be worth it.
 
Thanks, TPD. So far the stim use is pretty casual. A gram of intranasal coke here and there...occasionally getting my hands on some adderall (which I much prefer to the coke, it's just harder for me to get). As I've said before, I'm not much of a fan of these drugs. I THINK I'm drawn to them right now because they bring me back to drug-related rituals (scoring, setting up, etc.). That's really what worries me about them...just feeling like they're reinforcing behavior that in the long-term I'd like to get away from. It's not a huge deal. Just seems kind of counter-productive.

Funny you mention the psychedelics. I am VERY interested in pursuing some work along the lines of what you described. I went so far as to buy a bunch of mushrooms to kick off the process. What I failed to realize, though, was that my diet of SSRIs nullifies the effect of at least the mushrooms, and I suspect most drugs in that class. First time I ate some of the shrooms, nothing but nothing happened. I went so far as going off my zoloft for about 5 days and tried again. Still no effect. After reading more, it sounds like I'd really need to let some time pass after stopping the zoloft before the mushrooms would be likely to effect me. Perhaps others around here know of psychedelics that aren't blocked by SSRIs?

Your read on the relationship between my mood and the 'spillover' drug use is spot on. My mom's memorial and all the legal shit will be over within two weeks, so hopefully that might resolve some of the tension. But it is definitely the case the returning to work was overly ambitious... I need to come up with some better ways of making it through the next couple months till I can't quit with at least a little bit of grace.

As for fun, main thing is playing music. I play guitar in a band and that's really my main source of pleasure these days. I also make instruments and amplifiers/musical electronics, etc. I've been thinking that we really need to make an effort to play out more. Recently, most of the music has been confined to rehearsal space.
 
In a bit of a rush but thinking of you sim. Keep your head in the game for another day my friend.
 
Sim!

I know exactly how you feel about going back to work too soon. It's a real bummer to stick it out through a grueling job AND paws. Did I understand you right that you feel like you could quit if you waited a few months? Be careful about making big decisions right now. You seem to always be careful, so I'm sure you will be...Im just a worrier.

Speaking of worrying...please, please, be careful with the stimulants. How upset would mrs. simco be if she knew about the stimulant use? I'm not judging at all, in fact, if I had access to other illegal drugs (for me, it's pretty much just shrooms and weed that I have acces to) then I'm fairly certain I would be using something to get a break from life. Just be careful that you don't overdo it or have some sort of negative repercussion from it.

I have the same problem you do with the mushrooms. My SSRIs make them worthless. Another real bummer, huh? We could both really use the trip I am sure. :\ Instead, have you considered an isolation tank? I haven't tried one but I really want to. I've heard, under the right circumstances, you can actually have some pretty enlightening times in there.

What kind of music does your band play? That's awesome you have that creative outlet!

Keep on kicking ass, sim!

- VE
 
Sim love reading your posts i can relate so much, and shrums hahah i havent done mushrooms in years i use to love them. I never heard that SSRIs hold back shit like that dam first thing i would have thought was i got beat on some bad shrums. Ive got a little coke myself since wds a toot here and there only on weekends mainly because i dont have stay up at night energy since wds. So on some weekends i'll do a little not much and it gives me the energy at night of almost my old ops days. Then a xan later that night and i wake up fine crazy in the old days doing ALOT more coke i would be hurting next morning guess cause im keeping it in moderation. Never had a big coke problem and i come from the big partying 80s & 90s its been so long since i did shrooms or acid now i can get a anxiety attacks (not often) scares me from doing them anymore. I know ive said this before but opioids have been the only drug in all my years that controls me no other. Yo i use to play a little bass guitar way back i had a sweet kramer flying V with a chrome fork neck SOLD it years ago wish i still had it!. keep rocking brotha!
 
As long as you're not prone to issues with cramped dark spaces, sensory deprivation tanks can be really interesting! Although I prefer them while taking something like ketamine (John C Lilly ;)), sober you can also have quite mystical, introspective experiences than are very psychedelic in feel.

I for one cannot use cocaine responsible, but I have known people who seem to keep it under better control than I. However, I don't know any of them in recovery. Just something to be aware of the potential risks when doing, as I'm sure you already are sim.
 
I've never had a problem with coke in the past. In fact, I never really cared much for it. But I have to admit that I can feel that changing.

I just deleted the number of that connect who's gotten me the coke I've bought over the past few weeks. Will just have to try to resist dropping in on him, since I do know where he lives. But having him out of my phone should help. Of course I do know some other folks who can get more. But until this guy, everything in my town has been shit quality, and BAD coke is easy for me to turn down (tends to make me feel nauseous...I assume something in the cut).

Yeah, the last thing I want to do now is pick up another habit I'll just have to break.
 
I've been having really bad cravings for anything..... And I hate uppers. But shit, is consider some blow right about now. I've just been surrounding myself with my family. To avoid any of these situations.

All though I'd kill for Any escape from my own head right about now.... I plan to update my post, just searching for the energy.

Still reading and thinking of you guys...

Sixx
 
Perhaps spending so much time with your family is increasing your levels of stress? I know that when I go overboard spending time with, for instance, my parents, I have historically become disregulated to the point where I start experiencing cravings that become stronger and stronger. Perhaps you are speaking of your partner and/or children though?

In any case, I would suggest paying close attention to how the time with your loved ones affects your mood and stress level. This is particularly significant because stress does not lend itself to well thought out, balanced, more skillful decisions making abilities. Conversely, peacefulness of mind and relaxed mood states increases our ability to make less reactive, more considerate and skillful decisions.
 
Tpd, dude you're right! If I were with my (parents or siblings) is be stressed to the nuts. But I am referring to my spouse, daughter and step son. And spending a lot of time in the shop.

I do find myself increasingly more stressed and wanting to use. Simply because of the shitty mind fuck off sobriety. It sucks. I'm so confused all the time. I wonder if that'll ever pass, or is it just sobriety? If so,i won't make it!
 
Sixxam said:
...
I do find myself increasingly more stressed and wanting to use. Simply because of the shitty mind fuck off sobriety. It sucks. I'm so confused all the time. I wonder if that'll ever pass, or is it just sobriety? If so,i won't make it!
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Dude, this is EXACTLY how I've been feeling recently. Burned out, feeling like shit all the time. Endless fantasies about reckless, terrible life choices I could make that would free me up to go back to using.
 
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