Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

[simco]

Sim -

wow, HUGE congratulations on the 60 day mark! I know it's doesn't "feel" like that big of an accomplishment cause I passed that milestone and it felt like just another day - sometimes we have to force ourselves to be proud of our accomplishments!

I hope that you feel better soon. I hope that all of us in recovery are able to live that life we hoped for when we started this process. It's all about putting one foot in front of the other and moving along regardless of how we feel.

Best set of luck, Sim. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

- VE

Thanks, VE! I forget, how far along are you in your recovery now?

I did go get my awesome green keytag at a noon NA meeting yesterday. It's one of the groups in town that I kinda like. It's a meeting that for some reason attracts a lot of folks in early recovery and people who are barely making it on the edges of society. There are a few people with "serious time", but a lot of the audience is pretty chaotic. Obviously, a lot of folks there aren't gonna do well, and another portion is coerced into being there. But I do find the urgency and the desperation in the room easy to relate to.

Anyhow, I got my tag and a few hugs. Then it was back out into the cold, literally.

I'm starting to find the dope cravings aren't my go-to mental state these days. Though things aren't rosy either. I find myself in a state not so different from how I felt when I was using...very robotic, very much on autopilot, living from one landmark to the next. The main difference: in the past the landmarks were buying drugs and getting high. Now the landmarks are usually going to bed. Not a huge bouquet of deep emotions. But I guess it's good progress.

Part of what's happening, I'm sure, is that I'm bumping up against my own inclinations towards depression, in a now-unfamiliar way since the drugs are gone.

God, I'm sorry... this post is SO boring! I'm trying to make myself write in this journal, even though I don't really feel like it. But I want the info to be there later. So thanks for humoring me.

Here's one funny tidbit... I have the weirdest fantasies about changing my life's direction now. My current obsession...wait for it... I keep thinking about moving to a state where it would be legal and becoming a weed breeder/farmer. I have NO IDEA where this fantasy came from. And I'm sure it's not viable (every other stoner in the US must be contemplating the same thing). But I've been reading about this underground network of guys (and women, I'm sure), who work exclusively with the C99 and A13 cannabis genetic lines, spending years breeding out the perfect weed. Seems like a goal that's big enough to give some pleasure, while small enough to be, well, small. Who knows where this shit comes from? I swear, 61 days off heroin, my brain is just cranking like a blur of hyperactivity.

 

[VastEmpty]

Sim -

Your post is only boring to someone who doesn't have opiate-induced PAWS - it's the most fascinating thing in the world to me and, I'm sure, others on BL. It feels better to know I'm not alone. Believe it or not, I think about my BL sober living buddies throughout the day if things get super rough. Knowing someone else is struggling through their day and still making it does help.

I'm about 15 days ahead of you. My quit date was September 26th! Sounds like forever ago. I don't really have anyone to celebrate with other than everyone here. Although, I doubt I would ever share in a meeting. I would love to go to a meeting like you described though! I feel like I could get so much out of it. I really should go to a nearby town and sit in on one. They will let you do that without sharing, right?

I came up with some weird ideas too about a month ago. They have kinda slowed down since. Granted mine weren't to be a horticulturist - but I did get super excited about going to the pipeline and protesting! Then I decided I was going to take a trip to Iceland based on a documentary I saw...I still want to go, haha. It's particularly crazy because I hate to fly and swore it off long ago. Realistically, there is no way I can go there. I've also had a lot of insane thoughts about moving out of state, even though I fucking LOVE where I live. It's just weird, almost like I feel a void I need to fill with something...even though if I really think about it, the void isn't really there and I'm actually ok where I'm at. I don't know how to explain it so I'll quit trying.

Do you have experience with growing weed? Or growing other types of plants? I think moving across the country to be a weed farmer sounds more crazy than it actually is. I'll bet you would be good at it! I think if you were going to do it you would want to go to Oregon. Or one of the most recent states to legalize. The market wouldn't be as well established and you could infiltrate it easier. Or a try least that's what I am thinking - keep in mind I know nothing about the weed market, this is all just guessing.

We we are getting so close to the 90 day mark. I'm hoping that it is a turning point for the both of us.

- VE

 

[simco]

Sim -

Your post is only boring to someone who doesn't have opiate-induced PAWS - it's the most fascinating thing in the world to me and, I'm sure, others on BL. It feels better to know I'm not alone. Believe it or not, I think about my BL sober living buddies throughout the day if things get super rough. Knowing someone else is struggling through their day and still making it does help.

I'm about 15 days ahead of you. My quit date was September 26th! Sounds like forever ago. I don't really have anyone to celebrate with other than everyone here. Although, I doubt I would ever share in a meeting. I would love to go to a meeting like you described though! I feel like I could get so much out of it. I really should go to a nearby town and sit in on one. They will let you do that without sharing, right?

I came up with some weird ideas too about a month ago. They have kinda slowed down since. Granted mine weren't to be a horticulturist - but I did get super excited about going to the pipeline and protesting! Then I decided I was going to take a trip to Iceland based on a documentary I saw...I still want to go, haha. It's particularly crazy because I hate to fly and swore it off long ago. Realistically, there is no way I can go there. I've also had a lot of insane thoughts about moving out of state, even though I fucking LOVE where I live. It's just weird, almost like I feel a void I need to fill with something...even though if I really think about it, the void isn't really there and I'm actually ok where I'm at. I don't know how to explain it so I'll quit trying.

Do you have experience with growing weed? Or growing other types of plants? I think moving across the country to be a weed farmer sounds more crazy than it actually is. I'll bet you would be good at it! I think if you were going to do it you would want to go to Oregon. Or one of the most recent states to legalize. The market wouldn't be as well established and you could infiltrate it easier. Or a try least that's what I am thinking - keep in mind I know nothing about the weed market, this is all just guessing.

We we are getting so close to the 90 day mark. I'm hoping that it is a turning point for the both of us.

- VE

You're totally right, and I hadn't but 2 and 2 together: my brain is hatching all kinds of weird ideas, and I think it's exactly for the reason you describe--a giant, gaping hole in my thinking where the drugs used to be.

That's kinda funny, a couple months ago, my wife and I were seriously weighing going out to protest at the pipeline, too! Oh, and for what it's worth, I have a good friend who lives in Iceland. It sounds awesome to me, but he's always grumbling about it. But I totally understand wanting to check it out.

Yeah, Oregon does sound like where I'd want to wind up if I actually planned any kind of weed-related career change. Also, I have friends and family there, so it would make sense. You asked if I have experience growing pot. As it happens, yes. I used to be quite into it. I never did it for money or anything. Never sold any it. But I happily grew and bred for my own consumption. It's a weirdly pleasant hobby.

OK, I'm gonna remember September 26. My date is October 21. Wow, you really are closing in on 90 days. Amazing! I'll be thinking of you and my other BL friends throughout the day, I'm sure. I hope you are having a lovely morning.

Sim

 

[herbavore]

I think we should all meet in Iceland in a year to celebrate victory over the Occupiers (addictive thoughts and actions). The flights are cheap and we could all hold hands during takeoff and landing, VE.

Seriously, though, congratulations to both of you on all your diligent hard work. I look at it this way. We are born such pure little beings, we get infected by whatever cultural, political, familial time and place we happen to grow up in and if we are lucky enough to realize this, we begin the process of reclaiming our souls from that infection. Healing is a process of coming back to optimal strength and vitality. We are all doing it, addict and non-addict. We are all in this together. Much love to you and everyone else fighting these particular battles--I'm over here putting my own sword down momentarily to wave to you.:D

 

[simco]

OK, time for me to get honest.

I'm coming back right now off a hard relapse. Ashamed and disgusted with myself. Even though I'm trying to follow advice I've given other people on BL, this event just made me hate myself. I'll probably break the full story into a few posts. But here's the broad strokes.

A couple weeks back (about December 20, though I don't recall exactly), I reached a point where I just didn't see the point of abstaining from heroin. Daily living just seemed like a waste of time. Just killing hours till I could nap or go to bed. Zero joy. Zero hope that things would get better. At some level I knew that these feelings were normal. But without a way to remind myself that the anhedonia was temporary and normal, I started losing sight of my goals. It had been like this for nearly a month, and I finally lost my way completely.

I literally don't remember when I first copped (this time around). But I did. Trying to minimize the implications of the lapse, I railed (instead of shooting) a bag of dope. But since I'm on naltrexone, obviously the H had no real effect. That was actually OK with me; the adrenaline of scoring and using was intense.

But a couple days passed, and of course the addiction started working on me. This is where things get SUPER embarrassing.

I started a terrible program of lying about my naltrexone and the drug tests my friend administers to me to keep me accountable. Maybe some day I'll go into how I actually fucked over the beautiful people who are trying to have my back. But for now, I'll just say that I meekly undermined the system we had carefully put into place so that I wasn't taking my naltrexone and I wasn't getting my drug tests.

Once the naltrexone was out of my system, I went back to the dealer. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew this was going to be a bad run. But fuck it; I did it anyway.

From there, it was a fast trip down the rabbit hole. I'll omit details in the interest of avoiding triggers. But I'll say two things:
* within 48 hours I was IV'ing again.
* my addiction (the physical and mental parts) reared back to life within just five days or so.

I started panicking because I knew I had to get out of this tailspin, but it seemed impossible to do. Mainly, I needed to rack up enough clean time to get back onto my naltrexone without initiating precipitated wds. I just wanted to get back to where I wasn't lying to my family and friends, but felt SO trapped. Serious suicidality came crawling back. It was shitty.

Christmas was the last day I used. I finally got it together to stop after that. So today is my fifth day clean again. (I think I'll safely be able to get back on the naltrexone tomorrow.) I'm nearly done detoxing. Of course that has sucked because I've had to lie about it. Being super dopesick while worrying about getting caught in a lie is the worst of the worst, at least to me. God, it's been a lonely five days. I didn't mention any of it on BL because I'd trapped myself in that "if I don't tell anyone, it kinda didn't happen" mentality. Also, fetishizing clean put my pride in the way of being honest.

At this point I'm feeling a little bit of hope. Hell, I did abstain for over 2 months before this lapse, and that was huge for me. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to achieve at least some success again, and I count some success as better than none, even if it isn't perfection.

But, holy hell, this sure taught me that any fantasy of a brief "vacation" from recovery is a fantasy. It's just been shitty.

Thanks for listening!

I'll write some follow-up posts soon about my plans for moving forward, etc. But meanwhile, I just needed to get honest for a bit. Love you all.
Sim

 

[Ds]

a man was stuck at the bottom of a hole, his family couldn't get him out of the hole, the preacher even tried to come and pray for the man to come out of the hole that didn't work either. one day another addict went down into the hole with the man and asked the man 'what the fuck are you doing down here?i've been in this hole before and i know the way out'.

do you have a support group other then your family and friends? how about a program of action?

welcome back man, thank god you didn't die.

 

[kickitnow]

Sim, I read this after your PM. I plan to go through and read the whole thread in time.

I actually think you showed a lot of strength in managing to pull yourself out of that tailspin you mentioned. You've built some tools in the 2 months you had clean hey? Good on ya.

Anyway you can get a drug test kit on your own? Have you been using lope? (and if not, fucking props to you for going through WD without). We're in the same boat now brother, I last used christmas day and am teetering on the verge of starting naltrexone again. All the best with your naltrexone dose, I'll be thinking of you.

 

[VastEmpty]

Sim -

I am so glad you are back posting here. You've been quiet for awhile and I swear to god BL is giving me abandonment issues. Just when I get attached to someone they disappear...but enough about me.

Relapse is a part of recovery, they say. And for me it has been true. I've been able to learn from each lapse as long as I was honest with myself. I think the most important thing is to get back on track and work to remove whatever stumbling block got to you. Honestly, I think we just under estimate the amount of time we have to give this sobriety thing before it actually works. i was on opiates to one degree or another for a decade - I'm 96 days in and the truth is I feel like shit too. But not any worse than when I was on the opiates - I felt like shit then too. Just different shit. Totally different shit.

I need to believe that our brains are still recovering from the regular use. The whole "we didn't get here overnight" concept. I think we need to try and drop our expectations and just stick this thing out. I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I'm struggling as much as you are in PAWS (hence the consistent use of "we"). I wanted that 90 day mark to be a magical time when the heavens parted and my fucking brain could feel anything other than exhaustion and apathy.

How are you feeling physically and how bad were your symptoms this time around? After so little time using, I'm hoping it wasn't as bad as before. I know I was worried about that when I had my lapse about a month ago (?), but it wasn't near as bad as I thought. Mostly mental for me. I hope you are feeling better and have less shame and guilt since quitting again. This is so not your fault.

I am sending you all my good vibes on this fine New Years Eve!

- VE

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Welcome back sim, Your "confessional" was inspiring, as I've just returned to BL after a 7 month hiatus. I was ashamed, lying to myself, couldnt take the WDs and relapsed. I'll add more detail, maybe even spill the beans as you have so bravely done, but ill save that for my thread. Remember there is no shame in starting over, VE told me that and it hit home hard. Every slip up is a chance to learn. We use when life is shitty, but that only makes life shittier, so we stop using and life gets shittier...but if we can crawl through the shit, there is freedom (Shawshank Redemption anyone? lol) Best of luck my friend. We are here when you need us.

 

[simco]

Sim, I read this after your PM. I plan to go through and read the whole thread in time.

I actually think you showed a lot of strength in managing to pull yourself out of that tailspin you mentioned. You've built some tools in the 2 months you had clean hey? Good on ya.

Anyway you can get a drug test kit on your own? Have you been using lope? (and if not, fucking props to you for going through WD without). We're in the same boat now brother, I last used christmas day and am teetering on the verge of starting naltrexone again. All the best with your naltrexone dose, I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks, man! Yeah, Christmas was the last day I used, as well, though for now, I'm gonna give a try to NOT counting clean time; starting to think it's counter-productive. Anyhow my plan is to reintroduce the naltrexone today (gulp). I'll be thinking of you. Thanks for the good wishes.

Since I had gone off my naltrexone, I did indeed use lope this time around. Though it's weird...every detox is different for me. I always get the same symptoms, but in different ratios. And this time, the GI stuff wasn't so bad, so I didn't need to medicate much.

Home drug tests: yes, you can absolutely buy them. e.g.:
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias=aps&field-keywords=home+drug+test
will bring up a bunch. I use them in my efforts to stay clean by having a trusted friend test me every 72 hours. For a while, the accountability they offered felt like a silver bullet to me. But when I started getting squirrely, it was just a question of time before I got low enough to cheat on the test (more for a future post). Nevertheless, for me I think using them is helpful.

Let me know how your naltrexone dose goes today, and I'll do the same!

 

[simco]

Sim -

I am so glad you are back posting here. You've been quiet for awhile and I swear to god BL is giving me abandonment issues. Just when I get attached to someone they disappear...

Don't worry...I'm not going anywhere!

but enough about me.

No, you're struggle is my struggle, and besides, you're awesome!

Relapse is a part of recovery, they say. And for me it has been true. I've been able to learn from each lapse as long as I was honest with myself. I think the most important thing is to get back on track and work to remove whatever stumbling block got to you. Honestly, I think we just under estimate the amount of time we have to give this sobriety thing before it actually works. i was on opiates to one degree or another for a decade - I'm 96 days in and the truth is I feel like shit too. But not any worse than when I was on the opiates - I felt like shit then too. Just different shit. Totally different shit.

I need to believe that our brains are still recovering from the regular use. The whole "we didn't get here overnight" concept. I think we need to try and drop our expectations and just stick this thing out. I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I'm struggling as much as you are in PAWS (hence the consistent use of "we"). I wanted that 90 day mark to be a magical time when the heavens parted and my fucking brain could feel anything other than exhaustion and apathy.

First, you're totally right--relapse is a part of recovery, and luckily I've been doing this long enough (ugh) that by now, I even kinda believe that about myself. And I agree: the thing here is to dissect the event and figure out how to do better next time. I'm working on that . Like you said, it looks like there's not going to be a parting of the heavens, so I better fucking learn how to deal with my emotions and impulses more effectively.

How are you feeling physically and how bad were your symptoms this time around? After so little time using, I'm hoping it wasn't as bad as before. I know I was worried about that when I had my lapse about a month ago (?), but it wasn't near as bad as I thought. Mostly mental for me. I hope you are feeling better and have less shame and guilt since quitting again. This is so not your fault.

....

- VE

Thanks for asking. To be honest, I still feel like hell. But it's certainly way better than it was back on Tuesday. You're right, probably due to the brevity of the run, this detox has been more of a mindfuck than a physical working over (of course the usual physical symptoms were there, just not quite as bad as some other times). My anxiety and depression--an attendant insomnia--are bad. I'm just obsessing over guilt towards my family and friends. If I had to guess, I'd say that my dope-lust is trying to keep up the walls it managed to put up so fast. But all this was waaayyyyy past the line of anything I can tell my closest allies at home, which is breaking my heart.

 

[simco]

Welcome back sim, Your "confessional" was inspiring, as I've just returned to BL after a 7 month hiatus. I was ashamed, lying to myself, couldnt take the WDs and relapsed. I'll add more detail, maybe even spill the beans as you have so bravely done, but ill save that for my thread. Remember there is no shame in starting over, VE told me that and it hit home hard. Every slip up is a chance to learn. We use when life is shitty, but that only makes life shittier, so we stop using and life gets shittier...but if we can crawl through the shit, there is freedom (Shawshank Redemption anyone? lol) Best of luck my friend. We are here when you need us.

Thanks so much, man (or not-man )! I really appreciate it, and will be watching and rooting for you.

 

[kickitnow]

Thanks, man! Yeah, Christmas was the last day I used, as well, though for now, I'm gonna give a try to NOT counting clean time; starting to think it's counter-productive. Anyhow my plan is to reintroduce the naltrexone today (gulp). I'll be thinking of you. Thanks for the good wishes.

Since I had gone off my naltrexone, I did indeed use lope this time around. Though it's weird...every detox is different for me. I always get the same symptoms, but in different ratios. And this time, the GI stuff wasn't so bad, so I didn't need to medicate much.

Home drug tests: yes, you can absolutely buy them. e.g.:
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias=aps&field-keywords=home+drug+test
will bring up a bunch. I use them in my efforts to stay clean by having a trusted friend test me every 72 hours. For a while, the accountability they offered felt like a silver bullet to me. But when I started getting squirrely, it was just a question of time before I got low enough to cheat on the test (more for a future post). Nevertheless, for me I think using them is helpful.

Let me know how your naltrexone dose goes today, and I'll do the same!

I managed 25mg Naltrexone yesterday about 3 days after my last lope with no ill effects The reason I asked about drug tests was that I wanted to be pissing crystaline spring water before dancing with naltrexone. haha.


I can see your point in not counting days. It's not like your brain has completely forgotten your awesome 11 week run sober anyway.

Hope that naltrexone dose went down smoothly!

 

[simco]

I managed 25mg Naltrexone yesterday about 3 days after my last lope with no ill effects The reason I asked about drug tests was that I wanted to be pissing crystaline spring water before dancing with naltrexone. haha.


I can see your point in not counting days. It's not like your brain has completely forgotten your awesome 11 week run sober anyway.

Hope that naltrexone dose went down smoothly!

Glad you got the naltrexone down OK. I jumped back on mine yesterday too. Like you, I used a home UA test kit to see how much dope was still in my body...though I have to admit, I erred way on the side of caution, since I'm not sure how the mechanism used by the panel tests to assess opioid presence (i.e. checking for metabolites) correlates with the safety of initiating an antagonist like naltrexone.

 

[kickitnow]

I think anyone taking naltrexone should err on the side of caution.
I did read somewhere take naltrexone PWDs speeds up withdrawals but I can no way recommend it. I'd take a week of WD over that night of hell. I didn't actually use a test in the end. I was craving and scheming and basically forced 25mg down my throat when I did it and prepared for a shitstorm that didn't happen.

 

[simco]

My mother died yesterday. What a blurry day it was. Not all bad. But sad, of course.

I mentioned at the start of this journal that my relationship with my mom had always been complicated. She was a sweet, creative person. But she was also a paranoid schizophrenic. And for the last ~7 years, dementia came down on her, chewing through what personality she did still have. So the death was slow in coming, though the last phase came incredibly fast (it was just a couple days ago that she went onto hospice). With no siblings and my folks divorced, I had been my mom's caregiver (until she needed to live in a closed facility) for most of my life.

The reason I'm bringing all this up is that I know that--to the extent that outside events affect addiction--a lot of my impulses to use of had to do with my mom. For the last 2 years, it had become a ritual for me to visit my mom in her facility, then go home and shoot up. The awfulness of spending hours in locked geriatric psych wards, and my mixed feelings about caring for my mom always left me spent and worn out after a visit.

Mind you, this was by no means my only using... during the last 2 years probably a third, maybe a half, of the times I got high were after these visits; the other times were just because I was an addict and loved heroin. [It's a subject for a completely different thread, but I've never really understood it when people (especially in NA meetings) say they will or won't "use over" a given event. Personally, I never needed a reason to use. But it is true that when I feel run down, attacked, or beaten, I lose sight of long term goals such as cleaning up.]

So, this morning, my emotional landscape is completely new, at least in one big way. Of course, the thought of getting high is there. But the ghosts aren't any louder than usual right now. I'm just very curious to see how this event is going to impact my recovery.

PS: It was quite a sight to see the hospice nurse dosing my mom with liquid morphine hourly. That part did get me going quite a bit. But luckily, I was preoccupied with the other stuff going on, so I didn't dwell on it at the time. Have been thinking about it, though.

mater requiescat in pace

 

[VastEmpty]

Hey Sim.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I just stopped in really quick this morning to see how everyone is, but when I saw this I had to let you know how sorry I was to hear this.

I'll be sending you my good vibes today...

- VE

 

[Stargazer]

Simco-I have enjoyed and found so much comfort in reading your thread today

 

[Stargazer]

I wasnt done lol - I am going through this struggle right now. I have actually been a member of BL for awhile- I also disappeared for awhile and cant sign in under my username, which was Stargazer. Anyway- I went through hell to get and stay clean for about a year and some change.

Then- I started dabbling in dope again. To define dabbling in the context Im using it- I mean a couple times a month. This past "dabbling" has brought me dangerously close to being re-addicted or "all-in" I chose to deliberately take a suboxone,that I got from a friend -for the blocking effect, today.

The fact that you are so willing to try and keep getting back up is awesome. Me too. This is hard as hell but I believe worth the fight. Good job Sim. Thanks for this thread. Im going to go and make a cup of hot tea instead of getting high today. Now, just like everytime I choose to fuck around w dope, I have to deal w the cravings and re-setting my mind-and soul. Wishing peace to all BL's tonight.

 

[DixiChik]

Sim...I'm sending my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your mom.

There isn't much comfort I can offer you as a stranger from afar. My mom is 90+ and deep in dementia. There is lifelong conflict there.

PLEASE circle the proverbial wagons of support for yourself. This is a BIG one, with or without addiction issues.