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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

How to keep happy?

Preserving dignity is good but at this stage trying to incite an emotional response in someone else is pointless. If they're only reacting to your premediated behaviour yeah it may give you the instant gratification of a reaction from someone you love but it won't count for shit and will only confuse & draw out matters.
 
I don't agree with you Jess! :) I'm with Sam on this one.

A lot of people take "can't be just friends" as a kind of unwritten rule.

My ex has a few ex-partners (I was going to say loads but that doesn't sound very nice... loads compared to me) and she doesn't get on with any of them. I think I'm the first one to actually treat her like a human being post-intimacy. I've been with her when she's encountered them in the street (in Leith funnily enough which will sound even worse if you're familiar with Leith) and they've muttered abuse at her. I think it's fairly childish and it's mostly to do with fragile egos and insecurity. If they couldn't make a relationship work then it has to be her fault, if you know what I mean.

It's hard work but if the person means something to you beyond a shag then it doesn't make much sense to cut them off just because you're not shagging any more.

A bit of distance while the shagging hormones work themselves out your system are definitely a good thing though. (they probably don't leave completely but they don't have to get in the way, and if they do make themselves known on both sides well that's a wee bonus)

Anyway after a period of difficulty I get on pretty well with my "ex" and I'm very glad of it.
 
Just came off an hour and fifteen minute phone call. She texted me to find out if I was okay and I was honest and said not really so she rang.

We both cried a bit to start with but it was overall a nice conversation. We didn't talk about the relationship at all, just nattered for ages like we used to do.

So I'm still on the edge of the cliff. Phucked up much? I have no idea what this means or if it changes anything.
 
Space & time.. only thing that've worked for me, tbh only been in 1 serious relationship but it fucked me up when it ended just over a year ago, mainly due to drugs but also cause im headfucked.. the trying to be friends thing never worked out, we'd either end up fucking or nasty arguing, both of which made it much worse in the long run.. try think of it as a rattle, itl be hard as fuck if it does end but you will feel better with time. Exercise and anything that aint an addictive drug to keep your mind occupied, <3 mate :(
 
Medications are a crutch, not a fix in my opinion. Get out using your time getting to know yourself as a person again rather than a couple. Fuck benzos and don't mug yourself if you get me, basically if you've been told it's the end don't lose your self-respect or whatever the word would be and set yourself up for disappoint by trying to text/phone/talk to them when the wont reply, don't hold out for that shit and understand it as there loss. Time fixes all these things.
 
SpecialK_ said:
Medications are a crutch, not a fix in my opinion. Get out using your time getting to know yourself as a person again rather than a couple. Fuck benzos and don't mug yourself if you get me, basically if you've been told it's the end don't lose your self-respect or whatever the word would be and set yourself up for disappoint by trying to text/phone/talk to them when the wont reply, don't hold out for that shit and understand it as there loss. Time fixes all these things.
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Extremely well put!
 
Today we both made a complete list of all our interests.

I wanted to prove to her we do have common ground and we're just not spending enough time doing the things we enjoy together.

Nothing has changed yet, she still has to make a decision later tonight and is going to ring me, but I think I will be even more gutted now if she does say she wants it over because it'll feel like it wasn't anything to do with "lack of shared interests" (our lists had about a 75% overlap) and that I've just been toyed with.

I didn't rail any MXE and nor have I touched anything else. Playing snooker tonight until the dreaded phone call around 10 I guess.
 
Don't you think she's taking the piss a bit making you wait for her to "make her decision", what's she doing? Some pros/cons matrix analysis? Or just delaying the inevitable? I don't think it's very fair to you.
 
Having time to think is ok. It's only been 24 hours since this was first brought up - I'd be as annoyed if she made a snap decision. Anyway, she's not the sort of person to mess someone around, I know she's feeling shit at the moment too. It's not easy for either of us, but I have reiterated I want a final decision tonight though.

See what happens I guess.
 
did this situation only start yesterday, then? was there some precipitating event? because when I've broken up it's been after months of silent agonising deliberation.

edit: actually it's not really silent deliberation, there are always things going on in the relationship which make it clear to both parties that stuff isn't working.
 
knockando said:
Don't you think she's taking the piss a bit making you wait for her to "make her decision", what's she doing? Some pros/cons matrix analysis? Or just delaying the inevitable? I don't think it's very fair to you.
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I had someone offer me the choice to wait a few days for their decision on our relationship or to break up on the spot. Thank fuck I decided to break up on the spot and keep my dignity because I discovered less than a day later that she was with someone else. Have to agree.
 
knockando said:
did this situation only start yesterday, then? was there some precipitating event? because when I've broken up it's been after months of silent agonising deliberation.

edit: actually it's not really silent deliberation, there are always things going on in the relationship which make it clear to both parties that stuff isn't working.
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It's not been great for a few weeks, couple of months probably. It's not been terrible until this week though.

She's probably been deliberating us for a while, but I put her on the spot yesterday by saying she needed to work out what she wanted long run and if it wasn't me, then it needed to end here rather than drag me along.

Keep in mind the couple of heart to hearts we've had over the past day and the fact I instigated her having to make a decision, I think it's justified that she has time to properly think about it.

I won't be happy however if she sticks to her guns about us not sharing interests when its clear we do. Then she's just using that as an excuse because she doesn't feel were right for whatever reason and if that is the case I'd wish she just said that.

Edit cos of SpecialK's input: I am under no doubts whatsoever that someone else is not involved. That's not the problem here. If it is I'd be absolutely shocked as she should know better having suffered horrendously from the same thing, but even if that's the case I'm not going to find out anyway.
 
Wasn't entirely saying there's someone else involved mate don't worry, but mine was completely unexpected too and much similar to what you said due to experiences she had had in the past. But just keep your self-respect, don't loose it over someone who could be possibly ditching you in a few days. I'm not trying to be grim or say she will, just don't be used/treated like shit.
 
Fuck, man. That's well shit. As the guy that walked away from ex with no real explanation and an awkward kiss on the cheek, less than a month ago, I won't lie - it's going to be sickening, for the first few weeks or so. You start to realise that maybe she did have another motive, and that makes you feel better/worse, because she's the cunt (that was my thoughts - not saying the same thing happened to you). This situation sounds a lot like mine, so I do get it.

There was no chance I could be friends with my ex - we always said that would be the case, if we ever broke up. It would be too hard to try and get back to that level.

See some friends, RLP. Don't lock yourself away, because it fucking eats at you. Mates will steer you away from that, and get you back into the socialising mindset (one thing I lost out on, because I generally was told what to do - for the first time ever, to be fair). This whole post is a bit of a mess, but it's just me trying to get everything I'm thinking out. Whatever she thinks, you obviously deserve to happy. Go and make yourself happy. All the best, mate. :) Don't think of doing anything stupid, seriously.
 
Break up sex does have a certain edge to it that can be quite good but it's probably not the best thing for your state of mind.
 
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