How to be a stepmom

[Memeito]

how is talking to them and being a friend to them not getting involved, exactly?

You don't clean their room, wash their clothes, cook dinner,tell them what to do,etc. and other stuff that moms do. Let the dad do this - they are his kids!
You can chat with them, play on Xbox, go fishing,etc. and do other things that buddies do but let the parenting be handled by their father.
Does it make sense? Does anyone agree with me?
I know families where everyone is for himself - no one is cooking, cleaning,etc. for the other members...

 

[Lysis]

^ I'll agree that "stepmom" was probably worded too strongly. But kids are weird like that: I might make very clear decisions on how I act with them, but they have already regarded me as a stepmom, and I know they look at the women who come here as that presence. Kids don't make those clear separations. That's why single moms and dads have to be very careful who they bring around their kids. Kids see a woman who comes around and hears their dad say "I love you" to her, and they think differently than we do. They see their dad bringing a female here to act as a stepmom. My parents were divorced too, and when my stepmom was basically living at my dad's house, it was something I thought of all the time. That feeling of "this woman is in my dad's life, so I better accept her as a stepmom because my dad is serious about her."

 

[Busty St Clare]

I was going to say something similar Lysis, the kids will decide what sort of role you are providing. Some will be desperate for a mother figure while some will see you more as a threat. If you are lucky you might get the big sister/friend role.

My girlfriend has lived with me for 5 years and I have seen it all from my two kids. For the most part I have tried to shelter her from the "mother" role. I cook all our meals and very rarely get her to look after them on her own. Because I share custody I feel that I can't waste "my time" so I tend to be more hands own. From her part she doesn't want to be a mum but I'm sure she would still say she feels very maternal towards them . It still gets hard keeping every body happy from time to time but my kids are pretty well adjusted and our family puts a lot of other "normal" ones to shame.

The age of the kids may dictate how things pan out. My youngest was barely 2 when we got together so knows nothing else where as my eldest is 10 and will still compete with her for my attention.

It is a balancing act and it does put a lot more pressure on a relationship, however personally I see my relationship with my girlfriend as a positive way to show my kids how two people should show affection, something that I wasn't able to do with their mother. The fact that we all gather together with their mum for birthdays and xmas dinners seems to me that we are doing something right.

 

[Lysis]

I was hoping to hear from you or c0tb, Busty since you guys are kinda in the same situation although a lot farther along. I feel the same way as she does in that I don't want the responsibility of getting them up for school or going to get the oldest when he doesnt' come home at dark, but I do like having fun with them. I haven't seen any type of competition for his affection, but I think girls are different than boys in that respect. My sis and I did it with my dad and his (now) wife.

 

[Tude]

Sorry I can't offer any advice, but I hope this works out for you! You sound happy.