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How to be a stepmom

Lysis

Lysis

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2008
Messages
31,644
Location
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Let's see how this thread goes...

I have been hanging out with a guy with 2 kids a lot. I have no kids, and I have to admit meeting them was hard for me. They are two boys, and I think they really like me. The one boy asked me a week ago if I was going to marry his dad, and he told me he thought I would be a good mom. Man...it's so weird for me to hear that. The boys are 8 and 10. I've talked about them before, and just to reiterate: their mom is not in the picture mostly. My friend doesn't keep them from their mom, but they will call her, she will say she will come get them, and then never show up. The youngest is getting therapy, and they had family therapy a few days ago. When asked how often he gets to see his mom, he lied and said "once a week." The dad told him, "K, don't lie...you haven't seen your mom in 6 weeks and we should talk about it." And the poor kid started crying. It's heartbreaking.

So, I don't even think I'm a great stepmom, but they like me and I do my best. I am completely not the reprimander..he is..They listen to me when I tell them to do something, but they also know that if I tell their dad that they've been bad, they are in deep shit, so it's more the dad they are afraid of.

I have a stepmom, but she came around when I was much older. The one thing I hated was she would plan stuff for only her two kids and my dad and leave my sister and me out of the picture. So, I try to plan stuff for all of us to have fun. Has anyone been through this and also, any kids out there who had some good and bad stories to tell about stepmoms for a poor girl just trying to do the right thing? :)

I am also trying to mindful that I am not trying to replace their mom, but to be an extension of the family. I don't even know how to approach it. I'm just trying to do my best without being pushy.
 
My parents aren't seperated (yet) so I can't give you any first-hand advice, but I have lots of friends who went through this and I think the most important part is just not trying to replace the mom, which you seem aware of so that's good :) I also think it'll be much easier for them to accept you as a new member of their family at this age, rather than if they were older. I think so long as you just show them that you're there for them and you're a figure who can/will take care of them and that they can look up to, but that you're not trying to act as if you were their 'real' mom, things should go smootly. Especially if they already like you! :)
 
Run as fast as possible. That is the only advice rangrz can give to someone in this situation, when he thinks that person is dope as fuck and is therefore not trying to troll them. :P rangrz's fiance here: My father gives the following advice: when someone has wee'uns (children, in scottish, lol), the wee'uns take priority in everything, and the relationship will always come 2nd. If you are ok with that by all means go ahead, but if you want to be the most important person in your significant other's life, don't go for someone with children.
 
Because the kids are so young it might be different, but when my mum and dad got divorced I hated my dad's bit on the side trying to be all motherly. I was 18 when they split though, so I guess it's different.

Don't force yourself into the situation, but as their real mum sounds like a waste of skin you should do your best to fill the void. You'll never replace their real mum but it sounds like you could be a better subsitution.....

Go with your gut more than anything else.

Good luck man
 
First Lysis, don't overthink the whole thing, just be you. I'm sure there will be days that you go in the bathroom and wipe your eyes... Kids can be a pita sometimes. Do your best and wonderful things will come of it. I would reccomend you get your feet braced though. The little guys are nearing their teenage years, and we have all been there. Hopefully their dad has taught them well and they'll be good little gentlemen. Time will tell.
 
just be cool and don't try too hard to be their "mom" or whatever. if the kids like you, then there's nothing to worry about. spend time with them and get to know them. children are wonderful in my opinion.
 
the best advice i can offer as a single mother; is just be yourself.

there are no rules to being a step parent, or a parent in general; love and attention is the best gift you can give and will always be well received by children (kids just want to be loved).

good luck sweetie <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Lysis said:
When asked how often he gets to see his mom, he lied and said "once a week." The dad told him, "K, don't lie...you haven't seen your mom in 6 weeks and we should talk about it." And the poor kid started crying. It's heartbreaking.
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That is heartbreaking.

Lysis, just that you are putting so much thought into the kids and not just about your boyfriend shows that you care about them. What you said about your stepmother was also heartbreaking. Some people do not understand that making decisions like that can be very hurtful to young minds.

I too have a stepfather, and I did not get along with him (nor did I live with him, thankfully) until I was an adult. The lack of a blood bond between child and step-parent can often lead to uncaring/insensitive behaviors from the adult if the adult lacks intuition.
 
Never ever bad mouth there mother or father in front of them EVER!!! I cant stress that enough. Other than that let the kids decide your level of involvement they will make it clear what they need from you.
 
I got a stepmom around that age. It was good for me as my mom wasn't around. She filled that role for about 11 years - until I was 20. (She went borderline, divorce followed, and we tried to continue relationship but it didn't work.) I'm sorry we aren't in contact anymore but she did some very offensive things (emotionally to my dad & "stole" over half my and my bro's inheritance). I thought the relationship would be a lifelong thing. But I'm happy for what she did in my (& my brother)'s lives. It was really valuable to me at the time. I loved her and our bond was very strong.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Just taking it easy and seeing what you feel. Oh Lysis take it from me.... having a 4 year old in the house... You are joining into their lives at such a sweet time. You still get to be mostly free, especially being the passenger parent (yes I just coined that). Having a small child is just a terrible idea. Congrats if this is your future unfolding!!
 
filling a void is very different from competing with an existing role that is being filled well (mum).

they may get very attached to you and if things sour this could be another knock to them, but on the plus side any kind of quality role model for however long is better than none at all.

it sounds like you get along well with them, just be aware that if in a year you and this guy split up that it might be more than just him and you that gets hurt

its not to be taken lightly, but at the same time could add a lot of depth to your life and be very rewarding.

do you want your own kids? with this man?
 
Thanks for all the comments, guys! I wanted to respond, but I read all of this on my phone yesterday, and responding on the phone sucks unless it's a one-liner. lol

@rangrz and his sehxy fiance: I know you guys are completely 100% right. It's even crossed my mind that I'm not going to be #1. Funny you guys should mention that, because it kinda hit me this weekend. The problem is that I don't meet many men who don't have a baby mama and kids. After 35, most responsible men have kids and an ex-wife. Sucks, let me tell you. If I could choose, I would choose no kids, but ironically, I've found that men after 35 who have never been married or had kids actually have something wrong with them: serious addiction, mental problems, or they are straight-up douchebags. No kids or ex-wife is kinda a red flag for me now. lol

For the comments on never talking shit about their mom, YES! I do not ever do that. As much as I think the baby mama is a trashy whore, I never say anything bad about her -- not even to the dad. He has said some stuff about her, but I just listen and stay quiet. It's really hard too, because it baffles me how a mom could totally neglect her kids. Like...tell them she's coming to see them and then never show up. And then the little one asks "Why" and you just want to tell them "Because your mom is a scumbag," but you have to smile and tell them some bullshit line that she's probably very busy. I should add that she's a pill head, so that probably explains a lot. She has a new baby with another guy, too. I just tell the dad that when those kids get older, they are going to hate her for ditching them for a new family. That's how my sis and I felt with my dad, and it took us years before we started talking to him again.

I don't try to replace their mom either. I'm trying to be the gentle, womanly figure but I don't get involved with reprimanding them. They hug me a lot, ask when I'm coming over next, and I'm pretty sure they like me, but it's hard to know where to draw the line. I do have to say I'm having fun with them. Overall, they are sweet kids. I just don't know what to do sometimes.

As for the teenage years, yeah, I'm a little worried about that. I don't think the oldest will be much of a problem. He's not the smartest of the two, but he's the friendly one with lots of friends and the girls like him already. I think he's going to be low maintenance while the youngest is going to have problems. The oldest one even said to me "All my friends think my brother is weird." And I told the kid "Yeah, I hope you know you'll have to protect your brother from getting beat up a lot in high school. I'm just tellin' ya now." The kid says, "Yeah, I know." LOL
 
Lysis said:
For the comments on never talking shit about their mom, YES! I do not ever do that. As much as I think the baby mama is a trashy whore, I never say anything bad about her
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Not to sound too heavy-handed or anything, but if not being married and/or surrounded by miniature copies of yourself constitutes a red flag of sorts, then what about the whole 'past relationships' thing? I'd imagine that that particular item would be higher on your list than whether someone's been married or not. If the guy was in a serious, long term relationship (like, for instance, a marriage) with a 'trashy whore,' even to the point of having not one, but two children with her, couldn't that be seen as a noteworthy reflection of his character as well? How long have you been dating this guy?
 
No my red flag is never married *and* no kids. And over 35.

He is just as guilty too. He told me it was over after the first kid and I said to him "ummm it was over but you had 2 and not just one". He said it just happened and she didn't want an abortion and eh I get that.
 
Can't you marry that guy and NOT BE a stepmom ? I mean, those are his kids, not yours. Can't you live with this man but let him take care of the kids and don't get involved?
 
Huh? What are you talking about? I mean, if you don't want the responsability of being a stepmom can't you refuse to be one?....Sure, you can talk with the kids and even be a friend to them, but not a mom...
 
I think that in your (Lysis) case you're not a stepmother yet. I don't know how long you've been hanging out with the guy and what are your plans with him, but at least at the moment your responsibility towards the children / your role as a caregiver depends on your relationship with the father. I mean: the children are there, but they're not the reason why you hang out with the guy.
You wrote about other people children in other occasions, and I got the impression that you're empatic and caring enough to form a good relationship with the children of your SO, to give them affection and hopefully to get affection from them, and that is enough. They will maybe enter your life as your stepsons and maybe you'll have more/different responsibilities, but for now I will agree with kytnism: just be yourself.
 
tender lamb shank said:
Memeito... superb trolling
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Yes, as always. LOL

I think that in your (Lysis) case you're not a stepmother yet. I don't know how long you've been hanging out with the guy and what are your plans with him
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I haven't really expressed our relationship in full. We've known each other for a while, and I stay here (his house) about 3 days a week. We dated about 1-1.5 years ago for a couple months, and it fell through but we always still kinda talked as friends every month or so. He started texting me around February to give him a second chance and I kept telling him no until I finally gave in the first week of October. LOL I think I held out pretty long. We had a long discussion about things and I told him that I will have walls up for a while, but they're obviously breaking down. I'm still very careful about it, but it's also very hard to be a hardass with the kids, because it's not their fault. I haven't pushed anything, but I see them getting used to me and if I left him, they would be a factor and I know I would feel incredibly guilty. I'm still in "I dunno how long this will last" phase, but it's totally me and not him. He has to earn my trust back, which is really hard to do with me.
 
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