Fallen1 said:
Kitty, there's no point asking for advice and then going to great lengths to explain why the advice won't work. Either try it, or discard it, but being argumentative and wallowing in self-pity isn't going to achieve shit.
Agreed.
A few points of constructive criticism here. First, I would suggest purging the negative "what's wrong with me" thoughts somehow. I'm certainly not one to talk, but imo stating things like "I want a guy that will blah blah blah, but I guess those don't exist around here" only reinforces your "woe is me" victim self-perception. If you're one to put stock in self-fulfilling prophecies, that's grist for the mill right there.
Second, given that you've stated "I'm just looking for a little temporary validation", it's entirely possible that guys are picking up on a desperation/"validate me" vibe that you're giving off. Of course that may be what you're truly looking for right now, but imo the type of guys that you're going to attract with that mindset are most likely either a) similarly desperate/insecure lapdog-type guys who are just so fucking overjoyed that they found someone who will consider fucking them to begin with that they will only mirror back your reflection, or b) assholes who will treat you like shit while using you for short-term gratification sex, eventually only making you feel worse about yourself.
Is that what you really want, just some guy who's going to be a temporary emotional footstool for you (if so, perhaps you should consider exploring your dom side with a true sub
)? Do you really think you're going to find a
decent quality guy by going to a bar and giving off the "validate me temporarily by fucking me" vibe? Imo it's not a good recipe for long-term relationship happiness.
Anyway, plenty of good suggestions already in this thread. I agree with wizekrak's suggestion that you consider expanding your networking, and I particularly agree with alasdairm's suggestion that you consider posting an ad on a dating/personal site such as CL. That puts YOU in control of the situation and not dependent upon some guy calling you, and it gives you a far better opportunity to describe yourself and learn something about the other person than in a bar setting where you're trying to talk over the music and deal with all the "fronting" going on. Sure, you'll still have to do a little weeding from the responses you get, but you have to do that in any situation. It's like receiving pre-qualified sales leads...generally you can somewhat discern the caliber of the individual by the effort he or she takes in responding to you, describing him/herself, the care he/she takes in his spelling, etc.
Just for kicks I went to the CL Milwaukee m/s/w site and immediately found this ad from a 23 yo guy:
"i'm a college graduate with a fulltime job, i write and sing good original music with my band, i love animals, and i enjoy talking with kids and old people. i don't like "the bar scene," i find it hard to believe happiness is found at the bottom of a bottle, or in a one-night-stand. i must have met a lot of the wrong people, because i have very little faith in girls my age to be mature and ready for a serious, healthy relationship. so it's been awhile since i've dated, and instead i've been focusing most of my time and energy on my work and music. but i'd really like to find someone worth my time; in return, i'll make sure not to waste yours.
if you reply to this posting, i'd appreciate a picture with your message. i'm not driven by looks alone, but i find physical attraction to be an important part of a romantic relationship. if you've taken the time to read my posting, and aren't interested in writing to me, i wish you the best of luck in finding who you're looking for."
Why not try selectively responding to ads like the one above? Or better yet, try posting one of your own, weed from the responses you get with a few email/pic exchanges, and then meet up with the ones who pass the screening for a cup of coffee. If the responses you get absolutely suck, you can always delete the ad later.
Also, with respect to new ways of marketing yourself, there are plenty of alternatives to the bars and clubs at no cost to you. Bookstores are often gathering places for the creative/coffee/similar interests crowd. The Borders in my city sponsors a chess club night and an open mike night and posts notices for musical/artistic events. The art districts in most cities also sponsor monthly "gallery hops".
On the more social end of the networking spectrum, some restaurants such as Buffalo Wild Wings Cafe host online trivia games. I'm a trivia buff and the trivia games also spark my intellectually competitive side, so in playing there 1-2 times a week I've made a few friends among the other regulars who play there.
Come to think of it, that's a pretty good suggestion if you're looking to meet intelligent guys outside your normal social arena. The better online trivia players are largely males, and the better regular players eventually get to know who the other ringers are just by trying to beat each other. I guarantee you that if you had enough trivia game to compete with the better guys, they'd wanna know who you were and would eventually include you in their respected "trivia clique" banter group...not to mention some of them would probably be interested in you (mutual respect-->curiosity-->interest). The trivia ringers where I play are overwhelmingly male, many of them single, and I guarantee you we'd be a bit shocked, and our interest piqued, if a female came along and gave us trouble (yes, we're that good
). We'd wanna know who the hell the noob was that beat us or put up a good fight (that's always a fun part of it too, figuring out who the person behind the trivia screenname is) and call me chauvinist if you wish, but once we found out you were female we'd be like "holy shit, can you believe that, some chick just beat us!" :D Plus, it's a fun time...you can go with a group of friends, drink a few beers, eat and socialize while playing the trivia games, playing as a team if you wish.
Given that what you've tried up until now isn't working, I'd say you don't have anything to lose.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
)
