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How should a girl go about hitting on a guy?

I agree with LL.

I think it's highly likely you're coming off as desperate, which anyone can sense immediately, even if not consciously.

Nothing comes your way when you're actively looking for it and wanting it more than anything else. Put the romance, even the fucking, on the back burner for a bit and pursue other things. Then the lovers will come in droves, I tell you.

I went through a very similar stage, around your age, then stopped caring, got plenty, and met my husband!
 
^If you and LL think I haven't heard that advice before, you're sadly mistaken.... I tried that approach. For a LONG time. It doesn't work. Even when I had a boyfriend for almost four years I didn't get hit on then. When I recently had a boyfriend for five months I didn't get hit on then. When I go out with a friend to just get some drinks with no intent of even talking to guys, let alone trying to take one home, I still don't get any attention then.

I've spent a lot of time in my life alone, "working out my problems" and "having me time" and all that glorious new-age bullshit. All it is, is like I said, bullshit. I'm not going to be any more self-confident or happy with myself if I spend more time alone. It gets worse every day that that goes on. I'd rather not have to dig into my past right now to explain why this is for me, but suffice it to say that every day that passes where I have no more friends and no even potential love interests adds another tally to the "how likely am I to off myself" chart.

I'm finally on a medication that seems to be controlling my bipolar/BPD, I'm taking a year off of school to get my life back on track, and everything in my life is prime for trying to find some people to spend some time with. If I can't do it now, I'm totally fucked. Hence why I'm trying.
 
Kitty - don't try so hard. You sound a little "Fatal Attraction"ish. Men are attracted to women who are happy and confident about themselves (i.e. - not looking like they desperately need to meet someone). Not suggesting this is you, but I can't imagine from your looks that you would have a hard time meeting guys if you are accessible, honest, and friendly.

FC
 
You know, it's really starting to piss me off how everyone's advice is to "stop trying so hard"... I wasn't trying before and that didn't work, so now I'm trying! If not trying doesn't work, why am I supposed to not try!?!?!? Surely sitting at home isn't gonna get guys to call me. And surely just going to a bar and sitting there alone isn't going to make guys call me. I'm looking for some *proactive* solutions here guys, and "don't try" is not logical in the slightest. If you think I'm fucked, just say so, but for the love of god, don't tell me that if I stop looking they'll come to me, because it simply isn't true. Period. It's a myth, and one that people usually use as a last ditch consolation story to make the strike-out-ers like me feel a little better at that. People don't end up dating by ignoring each other.

I'm 100% positive that I don't come off as desperate because all I do when I go out is sit and chat with people, usually along with my friend Margaret. If I think a guy is cute or funny or whatever I'll give him my number before he leaves and tell him to call if he'd like. I thought that was how "dating" worked, but apparently I'm mistaken. My looks aren't enough to get people interested, and apparently my regular conversation isn't interesting enough, so I'm looking for some different approaches to take.
 
MzFluffy said:
Act like you're all about spending time with the guy. Don't get too attached like though. Just act like you're all about having a good time and he's the only person you are really looking to have fun with...
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I would say the not getting too attatched part is a pretty big part of it all. lately, I have experienced the type of women whose strategy on hitting on a man is to hang off his arm, never leave your side, and constantly feed you bullshit. there is nothing more annoying than just meeting a woman, who you maybe would even consider a prospective date in the future, but then you realize she is one of those attatched at the hip types 8(

my hitting on and getting hit on is pretty much limited to bars and clubs, so I might have a little skewed and inbebriated perception ;) I like to be straight up with the girl I am interested in, as she should be straight up with me. it really gets my attention when I am dancing and she will say something, totally blunt, like "you're fucking hot." so, since I like this technique I pretty much utilize it as well. think about it, it's pretty much hit or miss. if they are interested they will be like heyyyyyy, but if they are not, they're not. so move on.

you have everything a guy should want KITD, so be confident, but not too confident, and be blunt. you will get what you want.
 
Unfortunatly its really hard to pinpoint what the problem is without actually seeing how you act and what you do or say. Sometimes its just bad luck.. There have been times where i didnt have a girlfriend for 3 years and then all of a sudden it seemed as if i was the last man on earth and i couldnt even remember half of the numbers i was getting. I wish i could help more... maybe try reading a Dr Phil book or something(no im not joking). Some of my friends have said that he gives good tips on making your self accessible.
 
No, really, I think an alien spaceship came and abducted all the hot young lesbians from Wisconsin. I haven't really even come across ANY lesbians lately, let alone attractive ones... which is pretty fuckin sad considering I went to Pridefest last weekend... 8( =D Give me lesbians or give me death!!! Are you going to SS? ;)

And LuGoJ, as much as I like to pretend it's not me who has the problem, people don't just have 21 years of bad luck. I've only had three boyfriends ever, and one of those was only for a month. I'm obviously doing something wrong, and I'm trying to get a little insight into what that is.
 
kittyinthedark said:
You know, it's really starting to piss me off how everyone's advice is to "stop trying so hard"... I wasn't trying before and that didn't work, so now I'm trying! If not trying doesn't work, why am I supposed to not try!?!?!? Surely sitting at home isn't gonna get guys to call me. And surely just going to a bar and sitting there alone isn't going to make guys call me. I'm looking for some *proactive* solutions here guys, and "don't try" is not logical in the slightest. If you think I'm fucked, just say so, but for the love of god, don't tell me that if I stop looking they'll come to me, because it simply isn't true. Period. It's a myth, and one that people usually use as a last ditch consolation story to make the strike-out-ers like me feel a little better at that. People don't end up dating by ignoring each other.
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:( i feel your pain.... i just gave up all together lately. It's sad for me cause i have a couple guys that would just fall all over me if i gave them the chance, but they just aren't who i want right now. So i am drowning myself in hobbies and school and just letting me be myself and alone for a while. I know that i wont find prince charming that way.. but maybe if i can't find happiness with the guys i do find lately.. i just really dont want one right now. It's true that it gets lonely.. and i want nothing more then to smack the shit out of all my friends because they are all couples and getting married and pregnant and i hope they all die (not really but you know.. lol) but rather than make myself all frustrated.. i just do for me.

fuck you guys ;P <3

My only other suggestion is to try a personal ad. it's cheezy and gay i know.. but hey. you can be a cunty and blunt as you want.. and no one will know it's you. You can see what bites. Use an email that's not your default one.. so you can just ignore the guys who are worthless and not worry about them spamming your email forever :)

Good luck hunnie
 
kittyinthedark said:
No, really, I think an alien spaceship came and abducted all the hot young lesbians from Wisconsin. I haven't really even come across ANY lesbians lately, let alone attractive ones... which is pretty fuckin sad considering I went to Pridefest last weekend... 8( =D Give me lesbians or give me death!!! Are you going to SS? ;)
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No, i can't afford SS this year... :( i'll be marching int he NYC pride parade as always tho.. you should skip SS and come here instead!!
The parade is always a fun day/night filled with HOTTIES!
 
kittyinthedark said:
No, really, I think an alien spaceship came and abducted all the hot young lesbians from Wisconsin. I haven't really even come across ANY lesbians lately, let alone attractive ones... which is pretty fuckin sad considering I went to Pridefest last weekend... 8( =D Give me lesbians or give me death!!! Are you going to SS? ;)

And LuGoJ, as much as I like to pretend it's not me who has the problem, people don't just have 21 years of bad luck. I've only had three boyfriends ever, and one of those was only for a month. I'm obviously doing something wrong, and I'm trying to get a little insight into what that is.
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I am 23 and i have only had 4 girlfriends.. the one i have now has been the longest relationship i have ever had and we have been going out for 1 year and a few months. The 3 girlfriends i had before that lasted no longer than 1 month. I am not trying to rub it in your face or anything.. i am just trying to show you that my history is similar to yours.. if not worse based on percentage. You arent the only one who has had this bad luck.
 
I don't mean to sound patronizing, but you're 21. How much time can you possibly have spent on that approach? Just because you've heard the advice before, doesn't make it any less true.

Regardless of whether pursuing other endeavors works for you or not, I think it's clear that you are coming off as desperate, in the absence of other reasons.
 
As for proactive solutions...beyond thinking about it so damn much, go out and do things. Certainly don't sit at home all day. Do as many different activities as you have the time, money, and inclination for. Broaden your horizons, throw yourself into exploring new things.
 
The cold hard truth may be that you just aren't good looking enough to land the guys you're after. Do you typically go after the top 10% of men in bars/clubs (based on physical appeal) or do spread the love around the social strata? How do you rank in relation to the rest of the club going females in your town? I know my city is loaded with gorgeous women when it comes to the bar scene so competition is fierce.

In my experience when my friends and I go bar hopping or clubbing they get loads of numbers. They pick the most attractive girl and work on her, if that one falls through, they work down the line.

How does your typical bar conversation go? Are you subconsciously intimidating men? Are the guys visibly drunk or do you know for a fact they will remember your face and the conversation? Another possibility is that you're hitting on men with girlfriends. Every man loves an ego boost, for the most part there's a "look but don't touch" philosophy at work, what happens in the bar tends to stay in the bar.

It's going to be difficult for anyone to give you specific advice without being able to observe your pick-up technique first hand. Maybe your town is some kind of bizarro world?

Best advice, shake your ass on the dance floor, make eye contact with a cute guy, smile, if he returns the gesture work your way over to him and work your magic. A girl who knows how to work her body on the dance floor is infinitely more attractive than a girl who wanders the floor chatting up random people (in my opinion).

As far as lesbian hunting goes, do you have a gay and lesbian friendly dance club in your town? Not only do they have a larger degree of open minded people, and cute lesbians but their music tends to beat the pants off of your typical top 40 crap.

Best of luck. Tis a jungle out there.
 
http://www.lanparty.com

Go to one, you can have your pick. Granted the majority will probably not be worthwhile, but the odds on the remainder are pretty good. 2 coming up in Wisconsin, one in Darien in June, one in Eau Claire in August.
 
wizekrak said:
As far as lesbian hunting goes, do you have a gay and lesbian friendly dance club in your town? Not only do they have a larger degree of open minded people, and cute lesbians but their music tends to beat the pants off of your typical top 40 crap.
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Truer words have never been spoken!! :)
 
^There's an abfab club in Milwaukee that I'm dying to get to, but it's kinda hard to get people to go with me.... Guys never wanna go cuz they're scared shitless of getting hit on by guys (cuz that would be the end of the world of course 8o =D), and my one girlfriend only wants to go out clubbing so many times a week - I never get tired of it!!! I think I may be able to get out there the weekend after next. My girl's new boyfriend is totally cool with going there, so she'll not be so uncomfortable with the situation if all three of us go (she's the only person I have to go out with, and the notion of a gay club was making her a little uncomfortable I think...). I'm hoping for the best there, cuz I need some more gay in my life! I miss being a fag hag :( =D
 
wizekrak said:
The cold hard truth may be that you just aren't good looking enough to land the guys you're after. Do you typically go after the top 10% of men in bars/clubs (based on physical appeal) or do spread the love around the social strata? How do you rank in relation to the rest of the club going females in your town? I know my city is loaded with gorgeous women when it comes to the bar scene so competition is fierce.
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LOL. I'm from Wisconsin, the US capitol of fat chicks and sloppy drunks. Check out my gallery and tell me how you think I probably stand in comparison. And keep in mind that I'm not in makeup or my nicest outfits in any of those pictures. :D
 
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