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How High Are You? v.Thisssssss hiighhhhggh.

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HighonLife said:
so how you feeling the day after?
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Feeling okay now...And not dead.

That was really fucking insane. My mind was blown to pieces. My identity seemed to be stripped away. I was trying to analyze my thoughts and feelings and came to some pretty illogical conclusions.

Some time after my last post, I started to think I was somehow killing people with my mind - not intentionally, but like some force I had no control over.
I had this thought that if I wanted to, I could be a really successful serial killer, but I did not want to do that. Somehow, knowing that I could do things like that if I wanted to made me feel totally evil - not a rational thought, since anyone can kill people if they want to - most people just don't want to be murderers (I belong to the group that does not want to kill people, so I guess just knowing I could do that if I wanted to says nothing at all about whether I am good or evil - not that it is a black and white issue anyway).

I felt that somehow if doing something good makes you feel good, that means you are actually bad. That was some badly flawed logic. Not that I was really able to think logically in that state anyway.

Not sure why I kept saying I was an egomaniac and shit like that. I was actually in a state close to ego death and I felt completely insignificant and at many points, thought I did not even exist. I don't think that is really being an egomaniac - I am not sure I even knew what the word meant when I was writing that. I was really whacked out of my head that time and acting like a raving lunatic.

Was definitely really interesting.

I don't think it actually damaged my brain either, though I am not quite normal yet (not that I ever have been normal...but I meant normal for me).

That was fucking weird in ways that I can't possibly describe. For a while, I thought my mind was somehow dead but my body was still alive.

Pretty sure a lot of the really weird blood pressure reading were errors caused by my inability to stop moving around while taking the measurements.

I had this idea that the universe was like a computer and aliens were manipulating space, time, matter, and our thoughts.
During part of the time that I thought I was dead, I thought God or aliens were going to disintegrate all elementary particles in the universe and collapse it into a small point so that it could be recreated in a new way. It did not scare me since I thought I was already dead, but it just felt sad because everyone/everything else was about to be destroyed.

Lots of other things I could say, but not going to take the time now.
 
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Sober tonight. Very nearly gave my weed man a buzz earlier. But I've been stoned nearly every day for months now. Getting stupid. My lack of motivation and productivity is ridiculous.
 
Whosajiggawaaa said:
That was to numb the pain. The loved one I been mentioning in previous posts i my mom and she has been diagnosed with end-stage aggressive as hell cancer. Oxy is keeping me together and so are my friends, I visit her every day though.
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Not one comment ?! Seriously ?! I thought I was regular enough here to get something. Damn. Lucky I've got better than great irl friends then...
 
On topic just smoked half an OC 40 on foil - after seeing it on tv. Was a smooth cloudy smoke. Wasteful but the benzos and the weight on my heart made me do it. Oxycodone works wonders for emotional pain (might be stating the complete obvious here!).
 
Whosajiggawaaa said:
On topic just smoked half an OC 40 on foil - after seeing it on tv. Was a smooth cloudy smoke. Wasteful but the benzos and the weight on my heart made me do it. Oxycodone works wonders for emotional pain (might be stating the complete obvious here!).
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hey man I'm not a regular here but I lurk and see you post alot, I wish you and your family the best. What you are going through must be very stressful and sad, but try to stay positive and positive things will happen.
 
Whosajiggawaaa said:
Not one comment ?! Seriously ?! I thought I was regular enough here to get something. Damn. Lucky I've got better than great irl friends then...
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I know I commented before but you're right it's worth repeating that I wish you and your family all the best. If you need anyone to talk to through this tough time hit me up anytime man. Just know that life can be cruel but things will get better one day remember that man so don't do anything rash...and like you said opiates are great at killing emotional pain but eventually you'll need to find a way to cope without them. I've been there man so I know somewhat what you're going thru...glad to hear that you have good irl friends to help you through this.

I'm going thru a gram of heroin right now myself...I would say because of work stress but that's just bullshit compared to what you're going thru man. I'm just addicted and trying to get high is all.
 
Escape makes a great point. Life can be harsh. In fact, if life isn't harsh sometimes, then you better check your pulse, Who.

"Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death." #annielennox
 
laugh said:
i thought you didnt drink only toked?
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Ho-Chi-Minh is hardcore dude...everyone knows that =D (just messing)

I've gone thru at least .3 of some good heroin tonight...im nodding nicely but tolerance is starting to rear it's ugly head. At the rate i'm going, my gram of bomb dope will be all gone by tomorrow night. Money is becoming a serious issue, I really need to get on suboxone and stay on it but the dope cravings never go away.
 
420mg heroin IV wishing i still had a blunt wrap crap.

Picking up a handful of suboxone strips tomorrow. Rather not have to worry about gettting well over spring break
 
Been drinking since 4:30pm. It's 1:07am now. I've actually paced myself pretty damn good if I do say so myself...

750ml bottle of vodka and only half is gone. A year ago this bottle would be done in 4 hours.

But yea I'm drunk, so it's all good.

Have a good one fellow BL'ers!
 
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