The effects got stronger after the last post and now have plateaued. This is such a wonderful feeling. I have spent most of the time in silence going deep inside myself and getting lost in thoughts and feelings. Last night I had this bad dream and after waking up spent half an hour afraid to open my door because I thought it really happened. I pretty much went through that again for some reason just a short time ago only feeling sure that I had really done it. This feeling and fear lasted maybe five minutes before I snapped out of it and came back to reality. I was like in a trance. In the dream, something got into my bed, scratched and bit my balls and legs and then went for my face. I thought it was some vicious monster that was going to put my eyes out and I grabbed it and repeatedly slammed it hard into the wall. It came back several times and I felt its claws scratching me as it ran up my body toward my head. I repeated my action, the last time stomping its head over and over then throwing it into the hall. I turned on the light to see how bad I was bleeding but it hadn't actually caused me to bleed. I looked at it and saw that it was my pet raccoon and there was blood pouring out his mouth and nose and he was almost dead. It didn't actually happen and I was happy to realize that after the dream and after this drug induced trance I felt extreme joy and exhilaration after I came out of that trance. I've had similar dreams where I accidentally or intentionally killed people or was diagnosed with a terrible disease and believed it actually happened for a while after waking up. The most extreme case of this was when I woke up and spent most of the day thinking I had brain cancer because I dreamed I was diagnosed with it. I feel so stupid when I realize I have spent more than a couple of minutes believing a dream actually happened.
I had another trance like episode before that. In it, I created the most beautiful music I have ever heard in my mind, but it did not seem at all like it was coming from within my mind. It sounded just like listening to music from an external source, only the sound was so much richer and it sounded so full. Most of it was instrumental and sounded just so amazing. There were lyrics at times and they were not from any songs I have ever heard. The lyrics seemed really emotionally deep and brilliant but they may have actually sucked really bad. I don't know because I completely forgot all the words within 20 seconds of coming out of the trance. I do know that the music sounded incredible because I do remember some short parts of it, perhaps not entirely but enough to know that I really wish someone would make music that sounds like that. I'm not sure if it would even be possible, but I think it might be possible for someone to pull it off. I have had similar experiences in dreams, always when I know that I am dreaming. I don't know if any of them had the same emotional impact that this did.
I also had a couple of periods where I just went so deep in my mind that I had little awareness of anything outside of me. I just felt a total peace and contentment.
I was afraid when I took the pills that it would trigger a severe panic attack. I've been having more panic attacks than usual lately and the most common trigger is feeling fast changes in bodily perception or unusual feelings in the body which lead me to believe I am dying, sometimes lasting hours, even rarely all day. Once I overdosed on DOI and had a 60+ hour panic attack thinking I was dying the whole time, but I've never had anything close to that long other than that. I knew this would make my body feel quite different. Instead of causing a panic attack it has caused an amazing feeling of ease. I would have usually felt at least some moments of anxiety in the amount of time that I have been under the influence of this. Last night I lay in bed awake for several hours with the irrational fear that someone was going to smash through my window and murder me. That and the fear that I am asleep or unconscious and going to wake up in a horrible situation (such as being surrounded by dead bodies) and the fear that I will die if I go to sleep often keep me awake for nights on end and have contributed to severe insomnia for the last two months, 2 or 3 times in this period I have stayed awake without a moment of sleep for 5 days and nights or more. I guess I am just fucked up in the head. I think pentobarbital is supposed to be a really strong sleeping pill. I'm going to buy some so that I can just knock myself out when my crazy thoughts keep me awake.
I might buy some crystal MDMA. I can get a gram at a pretty good price. I am just afraid that it might make my depression get worse. I'm really not that depressed lately but I do usually feel emotionally dead inside, empty, unmotivated and really apathetic. I think I might feel like that until I die. I've felt like this most of my life even back when I was a little kid. Maybe that is a type of depression. MDMA has never made me feel depressed after using it, in fact I usually feel better and more alive afterwards for a week or two. But most people seem to feel a depressed mood for a few days and some even for a few weeks after using. Perhaps they use too much. I usually use 150-200mg during a session (125-150mg initial dose often with a rectal dose of 50mg or a little more later to prolong it). Once or twice I did over that, max 250mg. Usually once 4-6 weeks when available, though I did use it twice in one month when I first tried it. Maybe I'll get like 250mg and see if it causes any bad after effects so that I won't have enough to use repeatedly if it causes negative effects. I read a study back when I did MDMA that showed that neurotoxic effects (I think in rats) were completely eliminated with very large doses of vitamin C. If I remember right, either two or three large doses were administered. The first a short time before the MDMA was given and the last I think after it had worn off. There may have been another dose of vitamin C between those two. I think the dose of MDMA was quite large. I should have looked up that study before I took those pills just in case they contain something with neurotoxic effects similar to MDMA. I really don't want to damage my brain.
I might just stick to methylone as my empathogen of choice if I find credible information that it lacks the neurotoxicity of MDMA (though I might use MDMA once or twice per year). I think I read somewhere that it is not neurotoxic but I am not sure that it was methylone.
I've been typing a while and it still has not began to wear off. I feel so alive, not empty at all, and hopeful. I wish I could feel that way without drugs. Maybe this will have a nice afterglow that lasts at least a few days. I don't want to go back to my dead, empty, almost (sometimes completely) emotionless feeling. I think the worst part of that lack of feeling is the inability to love, feel loved, and feel any connection or bond to anyone. Better stop thinking about that before I bring myself down.
Overall, I would say the two doves ultra pills had significantly less stimulant effects than MDMA (it now seems like it has become sort of sedating but without a sleepy feeling), similar euphoria to maybe 125mg of MDMA (that is, a little less than my usual 150mg dose, it has been a couple of years so these are rough estimates), significantly less entactogenic effects compared to any dose of MDMA I have tried (I think lowest was 125mg) and similar empathogenic effects to 150mg MDMA. Overall MDMA is superior, as is methylone (which I would say is approximately equal but somewhat different). This is still very good especially if you can't get either of the others.
I'm going to stop typing and just experience what these passing moments have to offer. If anything different from what I have described occurs I'll update it when I come down.