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Advice How do you decide whether to have children or not?

Opi_Kid_Rock said:
I love my little nieces and they are very cute but I know that it’s inevitable that they will face deep disappointment in their lifetimes and I would like to stop the cycle of birth , death, and rebirth as it’s sometimes referred to as.
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This reads as depression to me but I might be naively optimistic. Sometimes I think depression is always served with truth. I wonder if there are more delusions of grandeur than the other way round. It's a whole glass half full/empty thing. You know?

This life is all we have. We should learn to not punish ourselves for things we have no power over. If we are going to live life, we might as well live it and enjoy it.

Sure, disappointment is inevitable, but it helps you grow.

Nobody is honest with children. Before my daughter was born, I insisted that I was going to be the very first father to be totally fundamentally honest with my kid... It doesn't work.

I'm not going to take Santa Claus away from her.

We all grow up. The fairy tale always ends, but that's okay.

Cheer up, Charlie. Whatever is getting you down, it isn't your fault. The universe is a big place. The human race doesn't need to hate itself for being human.

If you think about it, we're kind of amazing. :)

TL;DR

The Good > The Bad
(YMMV)
 
birdup.snaildown said:
I honestly suspect the "I don't want to bring children into this world" reason for not having kids is (mostly) an excuse. Having children is one of the most selfless things you can do life. It's easy to say it's unethical to have children, but are you living an ethical life?

Furthermore, the argument is grounded in geography. I don't live in an overpopulated country. If I lived in China, it might make sense to me. But, Australia?

I agree with @Atelier3. People are super depressed these days, despite everything getting better all the time.

So-called "over population" is a result of the human race flourishing.
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To me, it's not about over population, it's about what kinda world might await children born today.

I hold great fears for what awaits the next generation. But the future is notoriously hard to predict.

Also I dunno if I'd be a very good mother. I'm a junkie, I've fucked over so many people in my life, I don't wanna end up fucking over my own kid if I had one.
 
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Yeah I get that @JessFR, but there's a million ways to be a bad parent. You're bound to end up being one of those categories.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm not the best parent in the world (because I still take too many drugs) but I'm better than average (because I care). You're a lovely person. Pretty sure you'd be in a similar boat.

I'm not telling you to go out and get impregnated, but I don't think you should consider yourself unworthy of parenthood.

Another thing to consider is: people change.

<3
 
@JessFR the other thing about parenting is that you are kind of forced to grow into it. I know not everyone can (And there are clearly examples where people haven't been able to parent either well or at all) but I think for most people, it forces you out of your own head because you have this love for this being or beings that just demands your attention. That's definitely helped me because less self focused, just by the nature of the job of parenting. And for someone who used to stress a lot more about the small stuff, now I have less time available for that. Which is a blessing, for me.
 
Yeah, I love my daughter so much more than I love myself. She needs me. If I totally fuck up, I will let her down. In many ways, that's a terrible reason to become a parent. It definitely shouldn't be the primary reason.

I only mention it because people who don't think they're worthy are (a lot of the time) just anxiously projecting their pre-parent selves into the future.

@JessFR -> You mentioned that trauma makes it easier to relapse and I totally get that, but it works in reverse too. The more joy and meaning there is in life, the stronger our will becomes.

I didn't use to care about self destruction because I hated myself, but I love my child so much. Destroying me also destroys her... and - you know what? - the longer she's around, the better I feel about myself anyway.

I know a lot of parents who don't take drugs that still manage to suck as parents anyway. Money isn't the most important thing in life and neither is sobriety. Take it from me. My father has built a wall of cash between us. What is more important than buying fancy shit is being present. My father worked too hard.

I've known lots of folks who's parents were heavily into drugs at one point or another and they didn't turn out any more fucked up than anyone else IMO.

Sometimes having drugs in my system actually improves my parenting. I'm silly and uninhibited and I make her laugh. I get to act like a kid again. Recreational drug use doesn't take that away. My idea of the perfect parent is not one who is perpetually sober.

I'm rambling again.
I will shut up now. :)
 
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birdup.snaildown said:
This reads as depression to me but I might be naively optimistic. Sometimes I think depression is always served with truth. I wonder if there are more delusions of grandeur than the other way round. It's a whole glass half full/empty thing. You know?

This life is all we have. We should learn to not punish ourselves for things we have no power over. If we are going to live life, we might as well live it and enjoy it.

Sure, disappointment is inevitable, but it helps you grow.

Nobody is honest with children. Before my daughter was born, I insisted that I was going to be the very first father to be totally fundamentally honest with my kid... It doesn't work.

I'm not going to take Santa Claus away from her.

We all grow up. The fairy tale always ends, but that's okay.

Cheer up, Charlie. Whatever is getting you down, it isn't your fault. The universe is a big place. The human race doesn't need to hate itself for being human.

If you think about it, we're kind of amazing. :)

TL;DR

The Good > The Bad
(YMMV)
Click to expand...
Is it depression or Buddhist? Or both?
 
Given I inevitably destroy everything I'm ever involved with one way or another. I definitely shouldn't be a parent.
 
@JessFR you have maternal instinct. You just need to find a suitable mate. And then there's the cost of raising a child. But I don't know these things. Just observations as a loving uncle.
 
if im still on drugs i will not have a kid. I will not bring a kid into this world and then be on drugs and not devoting my full time and money to them. But i already decided i wont. This genetic curse ends with me. My genes are fucking terrible why would i have a child knowing ill put them through probably a lifetime of genetic mental illness and physical if was to do that then i would want god to put me in hell for been a asshole. If you bring a child into this world knowing full well the suffering you went through i.e cancer genetic shcizophernia or something then your fucked in the head imo.
 
Well, yeah, I've been diagnosed schizophrenic and had a few stints in jail and the hospital. @TripSitterNZ but I also feel that I'm wise enough to have something I want to share with an offspring. Next of kin type deal, for someone(s) to take care of me and my mate when we're old.

It'd be somewhat manageable with a nest egg or some sort of stable income or gains. Then a house or something like that to raise them in. But you gotta find someone suitable and compatible to take that leap. Life is too fucking boring not to try.
 
There's plenty of thing to do just for the try of it man. Giving birth is a life engagement, i'm not a parent but everybody who are i know tells the same thing, it's change you deeply, even if you don't take good care of him/her/them, it's not just about responsabilities and suitable situation... I wish i could have a child but like TripSitterNZ, i resign to it, i'm not fit to it, end of story :(
 
OP one of the main factors that made me want to be a father was the feeling in my gut that I got when I fantassed about being a father, or even when I said to myself "...my son...". It gave me pangs of pride and longing.

And if you are worried about not being ready for a fatherhood , trust me you are.
 
negrogesic said:
But my greater concern these days is: how wise is it to bring a human into existence given the state of things? Most specifically, environmental conditions, but also geopolitical. How rosy will things look in the year 2080? I am not optimistic unfortunately. Food, water and energy scarcity could make this place pretty hostile by then.
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People have been holding up signs saying the world is ending since we invented signs. You could have made the same argument prior to all sorts of historical events. I seriously doubt life in 2080 will be harder than it was in 1480.
 
I had always been vehemently against having children. I had a pretty hectic childhood where there was role reversal when I was around 8 and I decided I’d rather not put a child through this world, even though I wasn’t the same person my mother was. I am adopted so I was already rejected by my birth mother. I have seen the world through pretty real/open eyes since I was very young and it’s not a nice place really. So was my thinking...

Got pregnant by complete miracle when I was 24. I was severely underweight, told before I would never have children due to my anorexia, PCOS and a connective tissue disorder I have, but somehow a child was conceived. We were both massively underprepared for being parents. Both in the music industry and party mad but we got our act together.

My ex is pretty successful so he was able to set us up in my home county in Ireland. We managed through the first years and it was glorious. I was back at uni since learning of my pregnancy and doing great.

My son is a ball of pureness. He is just perfect. I knew I wanted him to experience the world as every child should, eyes wild with wonder. I have strived for him to remain as innocent as possible for as long as possible. He’s turning 12 now and only learned that Santa wasn’t real last September. He still believes in magic, in his own way he tells me, even though he knows it isn’t “really real”. He’s got to be a child, he still is very much a child and I’ve kept social media and all that shit far away from his world. Of course he’s had minecraft with his friends but, gotta move with the times.... I am preparing him for the world but keeping it age specific. I am very aware that kids now are growing up long before their time and it’s something I’m avoiding. My son is a sensitive child, he is mannerly and polite and cares for everyone he meets. I am beyond proud of the person he is becoming and I am excited to see the man he will be. I know he is going to do great things and I will always be there to support him. Through anything, I will be there.

Having a son changed me completely. I found focus, direction and I had a purpose.

He is my whole world.

I am a strict parent though, he has chores, he has to do his homework and he has to do his piano. He has a set bedtime and we have a routine we stick to. It keeps everything running smoothly. Of course if he has friends over it’s loosened but it’s a framework we use to keep us right.

My ex is very much a present parent and he does spend a lot of time with my son. He is a lot looser with the rules but whatever, my son is definitely more me than him 😂.

My son has inherited my connective tissue disorder, he definitely doesn’t have it as bad but he is having issues with his knees at the moment. Hopefully it won’t be too bad and luckily he is a male and doesn’t have the hormones us females do that make it a lot worse. Genes are weird, they mutate at will. It’s a whole other discussion in regards to having a child if you have certain conditions but hey, you manage if you have to.

I wouldn’t be the person I am now if my son wasn’t born. I finished a uni course I had started long before when I was pregnant. Got a job, changed direction and did another course and got a better job and it’s something I’ve loved and am passionate about! I’ve pushed myself because it’s important for him to see the reality of success and failure. I have failed many times before I ever got to where I am and he has seen that. He knows my passion for what I do is what drives me and he sees his fathers passion for what he does and how it drives him.

I never wanted to be a mammy but I wouldn’t be alive today without my son and that’s a fact.
 
Daughter was completely unexpected. Love her a lot. I do think of the “current state of global & local affairs” and worry about the sort of battles she’s gonna have to fight moving forward. I’m also shook of what I’ve passed down to her genetically.

ain’t no 2nd child coming that’s for sure. Got a vasectomy a month ago lol.
 
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