@benladdie3000 Posting here means that you are looking for people to help you get out of this. If you have tried everything then I would guess that you clearly do not truly want to die, you just want the pain to stop and see death as the only way for that to happen.
I’m not one to recommend drugs, but the MDMA, psilocybin, and LSD assisted therapy studies are so promising that I would suggest looking into those if you are already considering ending your life. They are being trialed for PTSD, depression, and addiction and the vast majority of patients are experiencing partial or complete long-term remission, which is extremely rare for any treatment ever studied for these conditions yet
Those studies involve moderate dosages of those substances under the supervision of 2 therapists while you talk about and work through your illness and/or trauma. It’s very different from taking these drugs at a party or when hanging out with your friends, to the point that it feels like you are taking a completely different substance based on the environment and mindset you use.
If you don’t have access to a study, you could replicate them with moderate dosages of ONE of those substances. MDMA is the most effective by far for PTSD, but only LSD and psilocybin have been used for depression. If you or anyone in your family has schizophrenia, bipolar I, or any history of psychosis then please steer clear of LSD and psilocybin.
If you were to go with LSD or MDMA then you would want to get them tested with a reagent test kit (we have links to test kit companies in the Reagent Testing & Drug Checking section)
You would sit in a quiet room, turn off your phone (or at least uninstall all social media + Reddit), and plan things so that you would not be disturbed for at least 10 hours with psilocybin or 18 with LSD. The protocol is generally to ensure you have nothing to do the day before, day of, or day after.
Ideally you would have a therapist or at least a close friend experienced with psychedelics there to tripsit you, but if that isn’t possible for you then you could at least try getting an online tripsitter through Bluelight’s Discord community or another online community like Tripsit.
Again, if you are still here then clearly you are looking for options other than killing yourself.
Using psychedelics therapeutically has helped a lot of people I know, and it helped me get out of a very dark place as a teenager struggling with severe CPTSD and bipolar II.
If this is a path that you are looking at trying, then let me know and I can send you some resources.