Psychotic
I feel like i'm starting to go psychotic. schizophrenic. manic. god knows what i'm starting to go through. I've noticed i've been getting tics much more frequently for the past few months. They started out with my left side of my face, then it progressed to my whole head, now it feels like i'm i'm screaming in my head and my whole body spasms to relieve the building tension. My mind has been dwelling on darker and more depressive thoughts. Experience all of the following: "commonly include flat or blunted affect and emotion, poverty of speech (
alogia), inability to experience pleasure (
anhedonia), lack of desire to form relationships (
asociality), and lack of motivation (
avolition)."
Screaming and laughing my ass off manically, alone at nothing feels good but it's weird and disturbing. I've tried anti-depressants and anti-psychotics but the anti-depressants do nothing for my motivation, social-phobia and fatigue; they just make me feel constantly at baseline (ie. no ups or downs, just numb). The anti psychotics make me even more dull, tired, sleepy and listless despite silencing the crazy, rushing demonic thoughts.
I've been eating healthy for over a year, it's now habit. I've tried the anaerobic and aerobic daily exercise thing for at least 2 months, but while it makes my body feel stronger, the mind remains the same. I've lost my motivation to keep going to the gym a few weeks back. I asked my doc to recommend a psychiatrist or psychologist, but she says that there aren't any good ones and if I find one to let her know... and she wants to prescribe me more meds. Big help there 8)
This lack of concentration/focus, the inability to hold a conversation with others, and the constant dysthymia is ruining my life. I'm seeing myself becoming homeless within the decade if the situation doesn't improve. It's not that I don't try, it's that I can't bring myself to do things that instill so much fear, agitation and hate in me.
