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He's Just Not That Into Me?

OP, your dude would drive me crazy. I like assertive men, and I'm a bit old fashioned and refuse to chase men. However, he might be like me in that I usually don't make a first move for any type of plans. I've always been like that even with girlfriends. I'm shy and quiet by nature, so calling someone up and asking them to do something is against my personality. Also, I have a pretty free life and I always feel like people are busy and have lives and I have to wait for them to find time and do something.

So, I guess my point is asking you if he's shy, maybe a bit antisocial? He might just be like that. I give you props girl for going for it. I need assertive men, because I don't have the balls to say "hey, wanna fuck" let alone chase a guy like that.
 
queenbee1127 said:
I told him that I need things I don't think he's willing to give me - he says "sorry, I don't know what that means" - so I said I need attention and effort.....he just completely ignored it and begged me to take a cab to him to spend the night.
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I'm sorry but if someone told me they needed attention and effort (how long have you known him?) red flags would be going off. The fact that you feel the need to tell him you need attention and effort just screams needy. I would also probably still try to have sex with you but I would be very cautious.

Instead of talking to him about it, why don't you just make a move on him.

Edit. Read the first page, you already had sex with him. Revising my answer concerning the attention/effort comment, it would weird me out even more.
 
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queenbee1127 said:
I told him that I need him to call me sometimes and love on me a little bit so I don't feel like such a slut
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If you're feeling like a slut, then this arrangement is clearly not for you. Best thing would be to end it now.

You've been sleeping together for three months, and his behaviour has remained the same despite the fact that you have expressed a desire for more. If he has treated you as nothing more than a FWB for this long, then it would be naive to assume that he sees you as anything else.

Do not carry on with this in the hope that this will change - you'll be setting yourself up for a world of pain. Find someone who is looking for the same thing you are.
 
OP if this dude is confusing the shit out of you, he is probably confused too. I reckon you should make it clear you want something more, then if he clearly does not, go your separate ways. Girls are equally confusing :P
 
There seem to be two camps on this:

A) I slept with him on the first night, so he will never be into me, and it will always be just sex. Why do guys think that way? I'm just curious.

B) I need to talk with him and be really clear with how I feel. The problem is, I don't know how I feel. I don't know that I want to date this person, I just want it to be more of a "meet me half way" type thing..
 
I think the whole "I slept with a guy on the first night, so he won't like me now" axiom is a bunch of horseshit

do I usually sleep with girls on the first night? no, honestly. I prefer to get more of a connection going on before I dive right in and swim. but when the time is right, the time is right - you can't plan when you're going to get your thing on with a lady, it just happens

has it happened? yeah. does it affect anything, in a big way, with the rest of the relationship going forward? hell no
 
OP, I'm in a similar situation in the sense that I have a FWB and we get on well, we've been sleeping together for about 5 months and see each other once a week or so. We text in the week - sometimes every day, and we often go for dinner or out with my friends to parties. But there's no commitment or expectations or touchy-feely stuff, just a good connection and good sex. I don't know if I want to date him and he always used to say he wanted to keep it casual, this was fine with me as an arrangement (if I know the boundaries I don't get too attached anyway). But now he's been dropping hints that maybe it doesn't have to be casual and he's confusing the shit out of me.

We tried to discuss it and all we came up with is that we're both confused and we don't know what we want - from relationships in general and from each other apart from the fact we clearly enjoy hanging out. In many ways we're quite different and it's not clear if this has the potential to go further. Basically we ended up agreeing that we'll just play it by ear. It was kinda nice to acknowledge it and to know options are open and time will tell, but for now nothing has to change and both of us are getting our needs met without pressure or judgement.

I guess I'm saying, it's ok not to know what you want, it's ok for him not to know either and I think you're putting pressure because you're used to being in a relationship so you're thinking in this way... but you don't even know what you're actually asking for, which is probably unfair on him. Can't you just chill, accept it for what it is and try to go with the flow, just for a bit? If you're recently single it's really healing to tone down the intensity and try not to think about it toooo much...
 
queenbee1127 said:
There seem to be two camps on this:

A) I slept with him on the first night, so he will never be into me, and it will always be just sex. Why do guys think that way? I'm just curious.

B) I need to talk with him and be really clear with how I feel. The problem is, I don't know how I feel. I don't know that I want to date this person, I just want it to be more of a "meet me half way" type thing..
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I don't agree at all that sleeping with someone automatically negates any future. However, I agree that his passive aggressiveness would confuse me. Actually, it would frustrate me and I'd give up. lol

I think I'd probably take a couple of shots for moral support and then ask him wtf is up and accept where the chips fall.
 
Bump.

Last few weeks have gone on per usual. Finally I asked him why he's like this and he said "it's complicated. I like you but I don't usually get emotionally attached and that's not what I'm looking for right now."

Do I keep sleeping with him in a no strings attached manner or is this a gentle way of saying he's not into me and never will be? I also know he's never had a real girlfriend so part of me keeps thinking he doesn't know what he's missing.

I like sleeping with this guy and when were together things are fine. It's the communication that drives me crazy. I'm still seeing other people so I'm not dependent on this guy but he's the only one I'm sleeping with on a consistent basis.
 
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IMO if you can enjoy him and your arrangement for what it is (getting sex and companionship on a semi-regular basis while you're seeing other people and looking for a life partner) without getting over attached, trying to change him or getting pissy that he has commitment issues - go for it and have fun!

If you can't let yourself enjoy NSA, commitment-free fun with him and you're always going to push for more and give yourself a hard time about it, cut him loose.
 
queenbee1127 said:
All week - don't hear from him. Now I'm going nuts so I get his number from our friend. He's excited to hear from me and wants to meet up that night when I head downtown.
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He was probably taking the entire week off to figure out what text message to send you. In the society we live in today that wouldn't surprise me one bit.

queenbee1127 said:
I think it's entirely possible that I've kind of screwed myself and given him what he wants, but a part of me (maybe the naive part?) wants to believe that maybe this guy is just stupid. Guys are stupid, right?

Help me BL <3
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Nonsense, he's there for you when you need him. The fact that you only need him for sex only makes your behavior "questionable" not his. You owe him if anything.
 
Sounds like he is just happy to be getting laid on a regular basis. The once a week is probably more than he is use to if he hasn't had a regular girlfriend before. Maybe that alone is overwhelming to him, so the full commitment would really blow up hid mind/world.

But idk, its just a thought, he also might carry on similar relationships with regularity and is set in his ways.
 
I'd say he might not be able to commit, ye olde cliche, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the rebound sex. Just don't let yourself fall in love and treat it like a sexy fling.
 
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