Indeed- that's why I said it will only work if you're in the second group, that is, you're just miserable. I have been totally incapacitated before, and yeah, there's no exercising then. After a few days of being sick, though, you progress to misery and it's then that exercise will help.
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Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only
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Indeed- that's why I said it will only work if you're in the second group, that is, you're just miserable. I have been totally incapacitated before, and yeah, there's no exercising then. After a few days of being sick, though, you progress to misery and it's then that exercise will help.
the bold one
Bluelighter
just posting to give y,all love and support during this. stay strong, you can do it. it can be done!!!!!!!
the bold one
Bluelighter
i think i kicked about 15-20 times before it stuck! dont let relapses beat you down youll get there!!.................love,e
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
One good thing about being on suboxone lately is that I've gotten my life a little more put together. Only used two days out of more than 30 now.
The crappy thing about getting in good shape is that I have a lot of trouble keeping up with it while trying to taper off of suboxone. I'm going to go back to the last of my 2mg pills soon, so I can have an easier time of figuring out how much I'm taking per day and taper from there. I'm on a really low dose now, but just stopping prevents me sleeping and takes away all motivation to do anything.
The crappy thing about getting in good shape is that I have a lot of trouble keeping up with it while trying to taper off of suboxone. I'm going to go back to the last of my 2mg pills soon, so I can have an easier time of figuring out how much I'm taking per day and taper from there. I'm on a really low dose now, but just stopping prevents me sleeping and takes away all motivation to do anything.
lozgod
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The reason I will not get on suboxone is that
A. it is a partial agonist. Those receptors are there in the brain for a reason and are made to function with full agonists so something is going to be missing in regards to proper brain function by using a partial agonist.
B. The withdrawal stories I read are bad but all withdrawals are bad but the PAWS seem extraordinarily long and bad. Even at low dose jump offs like .25mgs which sublingually is actually even way lower real world wise.
I kicked cold turkey from oxy and lasted 4 months clean before volunteering for more pain. It lasted a week and the PAWS was very short and not too bad. Just a lot of apathy for a couple of weeks.
It definitely helps people get better socially but I fear what it's long term effects on the brain are. Hopefully none and I am over analyzing. I wish you the best with it truly. I tried it for two weeks and my sex drive went in to the basement and I was shooting out watery semen if I even had the desire to jerk off or have sex. Got off of it and back on oxy and feel better. Relatively speaking of course, felt as good as a junkie can feel. Luckily I have a script for oxycodone and generous dealer friends.
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NeedlessBeing
Bluelighter
Withdrawing from month-long daily use of oxymorphone nowNicotine withdrawals do not help either.
After benzo withdrawals (6mg kpins, 600mg temazepam - not a typo cold turkey thanks to dumbass staff), this is still a cakewalk.
Best of luck...I'm in the same boat regarding benzo WD compared to opiate WD. For whatever reason(and I believe some of the opiate WD symptoms are made worse by negative thinking) after going through benzo WD following a 6 month xanax binge, the past few opiate WD's(365 straight days of snorting heroin was the longest of the recent binges) was a walk in the park(at least the physical symptoms). I told myself that compared to the xanax issue this is easy and relatively painless and really, it was. Slight kicking/insomnia issues for 48 hours, and then all I had was the desire to use again, but I was 100% physically.
I know this is easier said than done, but don't dread the WD's people, if you get yourself believing that they really aren't that bad, a funny little thing will happen...best of luck
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Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
Definitely agree with you on thinking positive and building it up in your mind can make it a lot worse, but 48 hours? If that's all it was it'd be a lot easier. The third day is usually what kills me anytime I've gone cold turkey.
2 days of insomnia? That also would not even be worth mentioning if it was that short. Last few times I've tapered off of suboxone the insomnia has lasted a lot longer than that, closer to 2 weeks.
Dopamine_Cowboy
Bluelighter
I completely agree with this.
xxkcxx
Bluelighter
I haven't used heroin in over a year, and I've never had cravings as strong as I do right now. I'm just super irritable and frustrated and annoyed and everything in me wants to use and if I had a way to get it, I'd be fucking high right now.
I'm about 2.5 weeks removed from taking pills. Glad to be mostly out of w/d. That shit is just not worth it.
xxkcxx- hope you stick it out and don't use. Think about how fucking shitty w/d is. Even if you think you'll use only that one time- it usually leads to more and more. You know where that goes...
God I hate feeling that fucking low..
xxkcxx- hope you stick it out and don't use. Think about how fucking shitty w/d is. Even if you think you'll use only that one time- it usually leads to more and more. You know where that goes...
God I hate feeling that fucking low..
xxkcxx
Bluelighter
i honestly wished I cared right now. i can only hope that in the morning I feel different but right now, fuck it is my opinion.
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
Congratulations on making it a year! I've only made it over a year once since I first tried heroin. You've done really well so far and would be really disappointed if you gave in now.
Over the last few weeks I had starting using a lot more drugs in addition to suboxone and weed. Started relapsing again, had been using a lot more adderall (multiple times a week), and I rolled on E several times last week. The week culminated with a very expensive weekend drug binge (weed, E, xanax, oxy, crack, H).
Sunday night my parents found me nodding out. I was standing up with my head passed out on my bed. When they woke me up they were super-pissed and concerned. I guess I was slurring my words and they said I looked all fucked up. I'm sure I did. I was up over 30 hours and on a lot of drugs.
I ended up telling them I was on heroin the next day.
I'm pretty sure this is my last chance now. I have to turn things around, but I feel confident I will. My parents know I've been using again and my mom has definitely become attuned to all the signs of me using. I'm really tired of blowing several good weeks of work, tired of having my lungs hurt, tired of lying and sneaking around, tired of spending all my money on drugs, just tired of the whole life. This time has to be different.
TriggerHappy
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good luck, bro. you're doing the right thing by acknowledging the craving and writing about it up here. i've been studying meditation as part of my recovery. we're taught to make space in the body for the craving, because craving easy pleasure is natural human behavior. but just because you have the thought, you do not have to act on it. think of it as an unhappy baby, crying in your arms. be mindful, hold it close and soothe the crying baby.
a simple meditation is this:
sit with your back straight, the vertebrae in your spine, all aligned.
breathe even, normal breaths, and count each breath. 1= inhale, 2= exhale. count to ten and begin again. try to focus on the pure sensation of breath.
it's natural for outside thoughts to occur. lets say you think of heroin... assign that thought a "feeling tone." all thoughts are either
1- pleasant
2- unpleasant
3- neutral
a drug craving (unfulfilled) is unpleasant... so think of this unpleasant thought as a cloud in the sky, and you stand on the ground, unaffected. just watch the cloud. don't get to caught up in the "story." if you do, remember to return to breathing and counting your breath.
hopefully, other clouds will start to form in the sky that are more neutral in tone. a hot looking guy, an interesting art project, etc. you will see that a craving is just like any other thought.
hope that helps. i've also heard that the average drug craving lasts 4 minutes. it will pass. you are so lucky you have no access. lately, i get a craving and i'm in my car buying tar from a homeless dude downtown before i know it
i slowly have built a daily habit again and i just want to get off again so badly.
you guys think a $30 a day, crappy street black tar habit, 2 month duration... you think i can CT that without much pain... ?
EDIT-- i was writing to XX, but good luck to you to, Carl. i think being honest with your parents could be a good thing. you've been battling addiction for so long on your own, you deserve some help... you are not alone.
a simple meditation is this:
sit with your back straight, the vertebrae in your spine, all aligned.
breathe even, normal breaths, and count each breath. 1= inhale, 2= exhale. count to ten and begin again. try to focus on the pure sensation of breath.
it's natural for outside thoughts to occur. lets say you think of heroin... assign that thought a "feeling tone." all thoughts are either
1- pleasant
2- unpleasant
3- neutral
a drug craving (unfulfilled) is unpleasant... so think of this unpleasant thought as a cloud in the sky, and you stand on the ground, unaffected. just watch the cloud. don't get to caught up in the "story." if you do, remember to return to breathing and counting your breath.
hopefully, other clouds will start to form in the sky that are more neutral in tone. a hot looking guy, an interesting art project, etc. you will see that a craving is just like any other thought.
hope that helps. i've also heard that the average drug craving lasts 4 minutes. it will pass. you are so lucky you have no access. lately, i get a craving and i'm in my car buying tar from a homeless dude downtown before i know it
i slowly have built a daily habit again and i just want to get off again so badly.you guys think a $30 a day, crappy street black tar habit, 2 month duration... you think i can CT that without much pain... ?
EDIT-- i was writing to XX, but good luck to you to, Carl. i think being honest with your parents could be a good thing. you've been battling addiction for so long on your own, you deserve some help... you are not alone.
Is it really worth it to use xxkcxx? For me soon as I open the door to, oh I will just use once, I deserve it, etc. things can get fuct-up real quick. Hope tomorrow is better, I am sure it will be.
With that said I was just sitting here thinking about total irrational thoughts, I was talking to this person earlier in the day and her eyes were absolutely just pin pricks. I didn't say anything but I was running thru scenarios in my head about what if I did say something. Would I have asked what kind of meds she was taking? Would she have pulled out a amber pill bottle, or would she have a discrete little pill case clad in silver and mother of pearl? I used to collect pill cases. What happens if she popped the lid and handed me some dilaudid or roxi, maybe just some plain ol' fashion morphine.
I could almost feel the chalky or smooth pills in my hand. I could see the sun shining and I could almost feel that sense of relief when I closed my fingers around them. Would I be able to say no? Would I care? I sure hope I would be able to. I guess I just better mind my own business and not ask whats in your pockets.
Man Carl good luck on what you decide. What are you thinking about doing? I had sooo many last chances and that feeling of just being so fed-up with everything makes it to easy to use. I think maybe the last 7 summers I would tell myself, ok this is NOT going to be a repeat of last summer and next thing you know it would be a year from than and I would be saying the same thing, AGAIN. At least your not saying fuck it, I am just going to continue using. That is a positive right there.
peace.
seedless
With that said I was just sitting here thinking about total irrational thoughts, I was talking to this person earlier in the day and her eyes were absolutely just pin pricks. I didn't say anything but I was running thru scenarios in my head about what if I did say something. Would I have asked what kind of meds she was taking? Would she have pulled out a amber pill bottle, or would she have a discrete little pill case clad in silver and mother of pearl? I used to collect pill cases. What happens if she popped the lid and handed me some dilaudid or roxi, maybe just some plain ol' fashion morphine.
I could almost feel the chalky or smooth pills in my hand. I could see the sun shining and I could almost feel that sense of relief when I closed my fingers around them. Would I be able to say no? Would I care? I sure hope I would be able to. I guess I just better mind my own business and not ask whats in your pockets.
Man Carl good luck on what you decide. What are you thinking about doing? I had sooo many last chances and that feeling of just being so fed-up with everything makes it to easy to use. I think maybe the last 7 summers I would tell myself, ok this is NOT going to be a repeat of last summer and next thing you know it would be a year from than and I would be saying the same thing, AGAIN. At least your not saying fuck it, I am just going to continue using. That is a positive right there.
peace.
seedless
Hey Trigger nice to see you posting. 2 month daily tar habit might bring a little discomfort but far from the amount of pain you would experience in another 2 months or 6 months. Do you have access to anything that might help ease the w/d?
peace,
seedless
peace,
seedless
TriggerHappy
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2009
- Messages
- 114
hey thanks dude, i've actually been reading yer blog regularly. would say "same boat" to a lot of the general emotional blah blah that you're feeling... except i'm obviously still relasing back to the needle.
i've amassed 10 mgs of tramadol and a couple of norcos... some liquid immodium. lol, not a lot, but when it gets near to the weekend, i could jump and withstand whatever physical WD.
i'm in LA so the black tar out here on the streets generally sucks, and it's hard to predict what potency... though i can relate to a lot of your "opiate landscapes" and journal entries about scoring H on the streets of Chicago... and getting addicted to the ghetto scene. i'm a middle class kid, and sometimes i feel like i just belong out there more than the white suburbs and stupid career stuff i have going on in my real life.
because i'm in LA, we have kratom here, available in the headshops... you guys think it would be worth going on kratom for a week or so, to fight WD symptoms from H?? or would i just be delaying the inevitable?
i've amassed 10 mgs of tramadol and a couple of norcos... some liquid immodium. lol, not a lot, but when it gets near to the weekend, i could jump and withstand whatever physical WD.
i'm in LA so the black tar out here on the streets generally sucks, and it's hard to predict what potency... though i can relate to a lot of your "opiate landscapes" and journal entries about scoring H on the streets of Chicago... and getting addicted to the ghetto scene. i'm a middle class kid, and sometimes i feel like i just belong out there more than the white suburbs and stupid career stuff i have going on in my real life.
because i'm in LA, we have kratom here, available in the headshops... you guys think it would be worth going on kratom for a week or so, to fight WD symptoms from H?? or would i just be delaying the inevitable?
User Name Here
Bluelight Crew
Good for you =) Two weeks is a lot after a huge binge. Hell, it's a long time period.
On a negative note, I too know that I would do any kind of opiate--especially IV--if it was placed in front of me, even after two year of sobriety! This is the entire reason I don't even go home anymore. I rarely see my dad and when I do, I make sure I stay with him and no one else because everyone I know in that town does drugs. I can't even hang out with friends I've known since I was in pre-school because they do drugs and I am NOT about to let myself relapse after this long...
I swear to moving out of town. It has been the best thing for me. I don't know if I could have done this otherwise.
Edit: Holy shit, I didn't realize this thread is now 31 pages long!
Glad you can relate to some of the stuff I write, I always liked re-reading those opiate landscape posts myself thanks. At least you have a career going on in your life that is a positive that you can try to use to your advantage when you get clean. Me, I have a whole lot of nothing going on and it seems like that is all I have going on as of late but that is ok I guess??? Just another stressor that I dont have to worry about but I am realizing now that I am cleaning up the same things I did when I was stoned just isn't really cutting it when I am sober.
Its like I am doing the same thing I would do with dope/pills/booze/girls that I would just party with and they or me would get sucked in/etc. Except now I am doing it with my life. 'Oh, Im gonna kick tomorrow, to bad tomorrow never comes' I tell myself, I will go exercise tomorrow, I'll get a haircut tomorrow, I'll go to the dentist tomorrow, I'll go buy some new clothes tomorrow, I'll study tomorrow, and on and on and on. It is driving me nuts and I keep telling myself this is normal, I should be feeling this way, etc. Its ok for me to be lazy. Its almost like I am milking this recovery and in my mind that allows me to not really be productive. Even though I know exactly what I need to change and when I do it things will even be better.
Never really tried Kratom so I cant really comment on that but I know it does effect opiate receptors. I'm not really sure if it would prolong the inevitable. Tramadol really helped me out last go around though, immensely. It definetly kept me from relapsing again and let the other opiates get out of my system. I dont know though...
Ramblin' sorry
peace,
seedless
thanks. At least you have a career going on in your life that is a positive that you can try to use to your advantage when you get clean. Me, I have a whole lot of nothing going on and it seems like that is all I have going on as of late but that is ok I guess??? Just another stressor that I dont have to worry about but I am realizing now that I am cleaning up the same things I did when I was stoned just isn't really cutting it when I am sober.Its like I am doing the same thing I would do with dope/pills/booze/girls that I would just party with and they or me would get sucked in/etc. Except now I am doing it with my life. 'Oh, Im gonna kick tomorrow, to bad tomorrow never comes' I tell myself, I will go exercise tomorrow, I'll get a haircut tomorrow, I'll go to the dentist tomorrow, I'll go buy some new clothes tomorrow, I'll study tomorrow, and on and on and on. It is driving me nuts and I keep telling myself this is normal, I should be feeling this way, etc. Its ok for me to be lazy. Its almost like I am milking this recovery and in my mind that allows me to not really be productive. Even though I know exactly what I need to change and when I do it things will even be better.
Never really tried Kratom so I cant really comment on that but I know it does effect opiate receptors. I'm not really sure if it would prolong the inevitable. Tramadol really helped me out last go around though, immensely. It definetly kept me from relapsing again and let the other opiates get out of my system. I dont know though...
Ramblin' sorry
peace,
seedless
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
I know exactly what you're saying. I really, REALLY, don't want to be on opiates again this summer, even if it's suboxone.
It doesn't matter if it's dope or suboxone, opiates take away from my quality of life. I just don't go out and do things. The only time I do new things know is if I am on sub for a few weeks then use H. If I used H everyday it would be the same thing until I switched off to suboxone. When I'm clean off everything I actually go out and do new things. The internal drive just isn't there when I'm on opiates/opioids.
For the time being, I'm focusing on getting a better schedule. Especially over the last month, I was starting to get used to going to bed between 5-10am. Basically, going to bed at the time I should have been getting up. It's pretty weird (in a good way) at the moment that I've been up over an hour and it's still a little before noon. I can be up for a while and dick around a bit, but still have time to do things during the day.
I'm also hoping to start going to counseling. I've got to make an appointment still, but I'm hoping it works out. The two names I have to call were given to me by my old suboxone doctor. The last and only other time I saw a counselor/therapist, the guy knew nothing about drugs and turned me off to the whole thing. I had gotten some suboxone from my old H dealer (this was my first time using it and I hadn't been prescribed it yet). I told the psych for 3 weeks in a row about it, even spelled out the name and wrote down the website name. He never looked it up, for 3 fucking weeks! I would have been retarded to keep seeing him.
Additionally, I just need to stop associating with some people altogether. Even things like responding to a text message can often get me in trouble, even if it's to respond that I'm not interested in doing anything/getting anything.
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