ii couldn't bare it and went in for my narco script; i explained my reluctancies above.
the injection site from the Humira i gave myself 4-5 weeks ago, and shit stretching from it in my thigh is still ramped with pain, feels like muscular fibrosis id guess, like the a portion in the middle of my left thigh is a stack of lunchmeat that just peels apart in layers.
the rest of my body was screaming with the regular pain until now, and that is pretty outstanding and disturbing. im still feverish(bronchitis? raging WBC's, must be near 30+ count if so)
i need a TNF-pain-blocker in me, like a month ago, but holy shit, i don't not see how i could be expected to pump that particular one in my body again. the $1300, 40ml syringe is in my fridge, and it marvels me with disturbed wonder at its power, and my rheumy expects me to "wait it out" and do it again.
remicade devastated me, now this, i just cant imagine what toll this may take now.
i needed to talk to my doc, and beg for some imaging/diagnostics on it...
but he wasn't there today!
after sitting in this tiny un ventilated room, sweating w/d-ing, sitting in vomitus pain for 50 minutes the substitute comes in, gives me my script, and tells me to call my rheumy... FFS! this is awful, disgusting, toxic pain, please?
~
the nurse got it, she got it right fucking quick.
asking me, or exclaiming more rather
"So you were a guinea pig."
precisely
~
...
and now id like to be for an antidote; again please.?.
the opioids are not going to treat the inflammation, nor have they or are they.
i blows my mind, i pay these medical professionals good money, unlimited money.
this is how they earn their living, this is how i live.
i accept tumors along my spine, the constant threat of colon cancer, myloma, lymphoma, as a risk to a benefit; it is worth the risk, for i am practically guaranteed to grow inoperable, untouchable tumors along my spine; tumors from cancer, and most cancers in general are far more treatable - or would take me out much sooner then a dragged out shit storm later.
ill surely be in a nursing home by 55-60 at the latest.
this should speak utter volumes, as its very likely, this past november, both TNF drugs (remicade&humira) were reevaluated,,, & proven to be 4x more carcinogenic then their preliminary release trials proved.
the remicade is black boxed now, humira is surely next, its only been in use for less then 5 years.
i say this, but im going to have to try another TNF, wtf is going to happen this time?
accept, accept, accept.
realize.
this is why the cooky crazy want, to not have to function to this societies standards, and becoming a man of the spirit, enter a sanctuary, live as light, write, exert extreme resonating energy, in the form of shuttering love and empathy.
im hardly a capable body, but later, lol.... so trying to get myself somewhere that i can be allowed to harvest my spirit, my being, and not be pumping these drugs in my body, in a stone room in a monastery on a mountain side, eating rice, and bark sounds like a fantastic fairy tale.
my vedic astro chart, seemed to suggest meant living past 60, and that this is my last life cycle,,, id really love my damn chart read, especially my Vedic.
sounds much better then a nursing home, thinking "iii should of, iiii could of, why didn't i?!?"
a vibrant absorbent mind, stuck in a bed, wrecked in some facility; instead of in nature, creating and making peace.
.
I don't have crazy up and downs every day anymore either.